What does a child with a sense of inner security look like?

A mother left me a message and said: I really regret that time because I was angry and locked out my four-year-old son who was noisy and disobedient. After that time, the child changed. He was able to sleep independently before, but now he no longer dares to sleep alone, and he has become more clingy to himself than before. Every time I see the look in his eyes that looks like he is afraid of being abandoned, I feel extremely regretful. Is there any way I can help my child find a sense of security? Nowadays, many people are emphasizing a sense of security. Not only children, but adults also need to feel a sense of security. But what does security feel like? The sense of security should be different for everyone. For me, I feel like when I was a child, I would sit at the door with a small chair at dusk and wait for my parents to come home. Even if someone said that your parents will not come back, I still firmly believe that they will definitely come back. It’s the feeling of being able to walk around a dark house even if there’s no electricity at home, knowing that you can reach out and touch the door and the switch. It is the feeling of trust that after adulthood, even if you are temporarily separated from your significant other, you can still feel at peace and devote yourself fully to your current work and life. In fact, security is the foundation of life, and it deeply affects everyone\’s state of existence. Only after a person has a basic sense of security can he relax and experience more beautiful emotions such as relaxation, pleasure, freedom, and joy. Otherwise, people will struggle in fear, spend huge amounts of energy seeking a sense of security, and find it difficult to have the energy and mood to truly enjoy life. People\’s sense of security has been established since they first came into this world. The younger the age, the more important the state of sense of security is, and the greater the impact on a person\’s life. The most important source of a child\’s sense of security is the parents around him. All experiences in the family of origin where we were born determine the establishment or destruction of this sense of security. Establishing a sense of security in infancy will affect the child\’s life. An American psychologist who studies \”attachment\” once said: Children who do not establish strong and secure attachment relationships in infancy will lack the ability to establish deep and intimate interpersonal relationships with others throughout their lives. Although this conclusion seems a bit absolute, through experiments, scientists have found that children who establish a good attachment relationship with their parents in infancy have more active social skills and are more susceptible to influence by the age of 3 and a half than children of the same age who have not established a good attachment. The welcome and following of peers is more compassionate. The mother-infant relationship between the ages of 0-3, especially in the first year of birth, this initial feeling and experience of life is crucial to the formation of a child\’s sense of security. It can even be said that a person\’s social ability comes from the care given to him by his mother in early life. In other words, the mother-infant relationship actually determines the baby\’s future social relationship. At the age of 3-6, children\’s sense of security is reflected through some social activities. We will find that a child with a well-established sense of security will have inner strength, and he will be able to successfully walk out from his mother, and then move toward his surroundings and the world. On how to cultivate children’s safety, I would like to give you the following 4 suggestions, which can give you some good reference and inspiration. Never let your child feel abandoned. Many parents like to say, \”If you keep doing this, I won\’tI want you. \”Some not only talked about it, but actually threw the child on the street, walked away alone, and then let the child scream in the crowd. Others pushed the child outside the house, closed the door tightly, and threatened the child with abandonment. Many times, the attitude of parents is a matter of life and death for children, especially when they are abandoned. No child can accept this, because the Creator shaped children into small shapes, cute and weak, and sent them into our hands. They need us to love them well. They also need this kind of care in their hearts. So never threaten your children with abandonment or neglect. No matter what the situation, you must let your children clearly realize that their parents will never abandon them. Even if you have to be away for a long time, let your children feel that your parents\’ hearts are always connected with you, so that your children can establish the most important and basic sense of security. Never vent your tiredness and grievances If parents handle their children\’s emotions improperly, it will definitely affect the child\’s sense of security. Because I believe that most people have gotten angry, including the fish dad himself, who has also gotten angry with his son. Every time we look back, we will It’s really scary to find out how angry we are. Rousseau described parents’ angry state as “sickness”, and he was right. This is a kind of illness, at least a kind of illness in emotional management, which needs to be cured. Seeing parents A child\’s instinct is to get angry, and then he or she will feel self-blame and guilt, wondering whether I have done something bad or whether my parents will no longer love me. Some sensible and sensitive children will be even more hurt, and their inner Will redefine his own value, feel useless, and always make his parents angry. If his parents\’ emotions are always changing, then the child may become cautious and shrink from doing anything because he is always worried that he has done something wrong, so Become inferior in self-esteem. No matter what, do not vent your hard work and grievances on your children, because children who grow up in a relaxed environment are more likely to know how to be grateful, and the happiness that their innocence brings to you will soothe your behavior. The bitterness of adults. Don’t laugh at children, even if you don’t mean to! When it comes to this issue, Fish Dad is the first to reflect, because I have a carefree personality and like to joke in life, and sometimes I accidentally hurt my children. . One day at noon, the child said to me while sleeping: \”Dad, I don\’t like you anymore!\” \”\”Why? \”Because you laughed at me!\” \”When did I laugh at you? I don\’t remember!\” \”\”have! \”\”when? \”In the morning, you said I was a vampire dog!\” \”\”oh! \”I\’m sorry, baby, daddy was joking. I really don\’t want to laugh at you. Dad, please change it next time!\” \”It turned out that in the morning he was pretending to be a vampire to scare grandma, and he was lying on the ground. I made a joke unintentionally, you vampire looks like a puppy! Let\’s call you a vampire dog! His back was turned to me at the time, and I didn\’t pay attention. His changes. But my grandparents and I both laughed. Thinking about it now, he felt uncomfortable and felt ridiculed. Of course, a small joke that does not go too far will not cause great harm. But we still have to consciously avoid Make fun of children. Don’t be sarcastic or sarcastic about your children.Son, even though he has his own shortcomings, he himself does not want to be like this. His parents\’ unintentional words may have put heavy pressure on his young heart. And children imitate us. What you say and do to others will be imitated by them. Don\’t let his little heart be filled with hostility and resistance. And then go hurt other people. Learn to reject gently instead of controlling arbitrarily Many mothers mentioned a problem: as long as their children go to the supermarket and eye what they want, they must buy it. Otherwise, he will cry and lie on the floor. He was bursting with snot and tears, and the people around him thought he was not their biological son. Just agree to him yourself. It\’s not that you think it\’s a waste of money, but that you\’re afraid of indulging him. But what should I do if I reject him, but I am afraid of hurting his sense of security? It seems that this problem is really difficult, at least it was difficult to solve at the time. It’s easy to do before the child goes to the supermarket, and it’s easy to do before the child is lying on the floor crying. And the worst possible situation is when a situation spirals out of control. If parents can make their children understand one principle: Even crying will not satisfy his improper needs! When children first start to cry to express their needs, they will discover a magical phenomenon: adults are afraid of crying, so as long as they cry, they will get whatever they want. They feel they can control everything around them with their cries. In fact, Xiao Xiaoyu also used this method to try to control me at the beginning. Once in the supermarket, he cried because I didn\’t buy him the video game console he was interested in. A two-year-old child wants a handheld game console played by a 10-year-old child. That is an unfair demand. , it is definitely not satisfactory. So I used the gentle refusal method. When he was crying, I asked him to cry for a while to express his dissatisfaction and grievances. Then I went over and knelt down and told him that my father also liked this game console, but this game console can only be played by children in elementary school, not babies. If you really like it, your dad can give you one when you grow up. At this time, he will become much calmer, because parents\’ understanding will make the child willing to accept your opinions. Then I would gently pick him up and go to the next shopping area. I told myself not to lose my temper. When we enforce rules gently but firmly, children learn that they must be done and stop struggling. This approach will not have a negative impact on the child\’s sense of security and self-esteem. And our gentle rejection is far better than beating the child at that time, or throwing the child somewhere, walking away alone and threatening the child. You will not be so angry that your education will be ineffective, and your children will not be tortured mentally and lose their sense of security.