Dong Qing recalls giving birth: Giving up self-love is the deepest harm to children

No child can bear the pressure of his mother to give up on herself. Because of the part of self she gave up, the mother will subconsciously \”make up for it\” in her child. And this kind of \”compensation\”, once lost, will ruin the child\’s life. The Taiwanese short film \”Jasmine\’s Last Day\” tells such a tragedy. A mother who graduated from overseas with a master\’s degree gave up the professorship that she could have obtained by continuing her studies after getting married for the sake of her children. However, the unwilling mother believed that only by cultivating her children into talents could she be worthy of her sacrifice of giving up teaching. If her daughter is slightly disobedient, her mother will get angry and yell: If I hadn\’t given birth to you, I would be a professor now. Why did I leave the professor alone and get angry with you here? When her mother is sick, her daughter is concerned and asks her to rest more, but her mother retorts: If you don\’t study hard, how can I rest? How many people are waiting for you two outside? I can\’t afford to be embarrassed. If her daughter does poorly in an exam, her mother will scold her: Mistakes and carelessness are all excuses. I have only one request for you, and that is to get good grades! If her daughter gets first place in the exam, her mother will be dissatisfied: If I hadn\’t been watching so closely, how could you have gotten first place? Be careful next time you fall! When her daughter was in a hurry to go to school, her mother took out the taxi fare and said: These expenses are all saved by my frugality. Study hard, otherwise you will be unfilial. In daily life, what my mother often talks about is the hysterical phrase: Are you worthy of us? In this high-pressure state day after day, her daughter Jasmine, who was originally excellent in both character and academic performance, gradually suffered from severe depression. Finally, at the age of 16, she chose to commit suicide by jumping off a building late at night because she could not bear her mother\’s scolding and yelling. Like the mother in the story, I often hear from the mothers around me how much they have sacrificed for their children. Buy discounted clothes, use cheap cosmetics, eat cheap meals, take your children to cram schools, training classes, and interest classes in rain or shine; give up the opportunity for promotion, give up the opportunity to study abroad, give up traveling and love for beauty; just want Children are satisfied if they are obedient and sensible and get good grades in exams. Great? This kind of love that sacrifices material and even spiritual pursuits for children is indeed great. But it is this seemingly great sacrifice that becomes an excuse for mothers to give up on self-growth, and it also becomes a bargaining chip for mothers to confidently ask their children to become successful. For mothers, if we resist growth, we will shift the task of growth to our children; if we cannot accept ourselves and are dissatisfied with ourselves, we need a satisfying child. No child can withstand the pressure of his mother to give up on herself. Because their immature shoulders cannot bear your unfinished pursuit and desire. You can\’t have only children in your world. In fact, the best parent-child relationship is not about the mother\’s seemingly great self-sacrifice, nor about letting the child start off alone, but about you making progress together and growing together. In CCTV\’s \”Face to Face\” interview column, Dong Qing talked about her experience as a first-time mother for the first time. In the first year after her child was born, Dong Qing said that the focus of her life seemed to have suddenly changed. She had to consider her child first in everything she did. Life is also filled withChildren eat, drink, poop, sleep, poop and pee, which gradually become trivial and mediocre. Should we focus on supporting the growth of our children, or should we continue to pursue our own growth and breakthrough? During that time, she fell into a state of confusion. Until one day, her friend said to her: \”If you want your children to be who you want them to be, the easiest way is to be who you are first.\” Dong Qing didn\’t want her world to be filled only with children, let alone children. There is only her in the world. Therefore, she decided to give up being a stay-at-home mother, return to the workplace, and continue to pursue opportunities for self-growth and breakthrough. She began preparing for \”The Reader,\” not just as a host, but as a producer. After that, from \”Poetry Conference\” to \”The Reader\”, all the programs she handled received rave reviews once they were broadcast. The child is no longer a hindrance to her growth, but her new motivation. She said: I don’t want to give up the possibility of self-growth. I can’t let myself stop just because I have a child. I have to work hard to make myself better, so that when my child grows up and truly understands, he will love and respect me. There are also many mothers in life who regard their children as their everything and revolve all their lives around their children. Little do they know that a mother\’s responsibility should not only provide food, clothing and care to her children, but also be a role model for her children, guide them to move forward, and grow with them. If the mother has her own life plans, career pursuits, interests and hobbies, then the children will learn the good qualities of the mother subtly and grow into good children who are also pursuing and improving. On the contrary, a woman who only cares about food, rice, oil, salt, children and husband will not only become the nanny of the family, but will also become a discard of the times. Children need mothers who have role models. Perhaps some mothers will retort when they see this: Dong Qing pursues her career and gives up accompanying her children. If you praise her like this, are you looking down on stay-at-home mothers, or are you encouraging everyone to pursue their careers instead of accompanying their children? In fact, what I am denying is not stay-at-home mothers, nor working mothers, but mothers’ behavior of giving up on self-growth after getting married and having children. A while ago, such a diary was widely circulated in the circle of friends. In the diary, her daughter wrote with a childish pen: I really feel that my mother is a useless person now. She never cooks well and complains for a long time just to wash clothes. She sleeps, eats, puts on makeup and plays with her mobile phone at home every day. She only says a few words to me when my results are handed out. She talks about how good other people\’s children are every day, but not how good other people\’s mothers are. I could not wait to throw her and her cell phone out of my door. She is such a useless middle-aged woman! When reading the diary, every word is heartbreaking, but every sentence makes sense. A mother who is unmotivated and mediocre will be seen by her children and disgusted in their hearts. What benefit does such a mother have if she stays with her children every day? It’s not that good mothers don’t accompany their children, but they understand that the best way to accompany their children is to give them the power of role models. I believe that no woman wants to be a \”useless middle-aged woman\” in the eyes of her children, so neverGive up on your own growth. When you are willing to work hard to get better, not only will your children and husband love you, but the whole world will also treat you tenderly. Behind the gap between children is usually the gap between mothers, who are also mothers in the eyes of their daughters. Reading the following essay, you can not only see the love and respect the children have for their mothers, but also the completely different person standing behind the children. Mother. In the composition, a daughter also wrote with a childish pen: I have a good mother, who is so beautiful. My mother is very capable. She runs every day in the morning, swims every day in the afternoon, and skips meals every night. She is as slim as a branch. My mother also loves to study and studies English every day. Her calligraphy is better than the teacher\’s. I love my good mother. Mom, please rest assured that I will definitely lose weight successfully. Comparing the two, the children\’s completely different attitudes towards their mothers are actually determined by their mothers\’ completely different living conditions. If you approach life carelessly, your children will dislike you; if you approach life enthusiastically, your children will love and respect you. If you are slender and beautiful, your child will definitely not be a sloppy fat man who doesn’t care about his image; if you are positive and love to learn, your child will definitely not be a rebellious child who is addicted to games and lives in chaos… Behind the gap between children, Often it’s also the gap between mothers. If you want to give your children the power of role models, you must never give up the opportunity for self-growth. Only when you grow up to be good enough, will your children stand on your shoulders and reach a better level. Maybe many mothers will retort, you said it quite easily. After getting married and having a baby, there are a lot of troubles every day. How can you have the time and energy to improve yourself? Is it really that difficult to maintain self-growth after getting married and having children? I don\’t think so. Any external restrictions actually start from within yourself. When you are determined to change and are determined enough, nothing can stand in your way. In the past 2018, a 39-year-old mother of two children in Qingdao, Shandong Province, relied on firm determination to achieve a transformation in her life. In order to cultivate the habit of eating breakfast in her children, she cooked breakfast for her daughters in different ways every day. In order to return to her pre-pregnancy figure, she runs for an hour every day. In order to better shape her body, she insists on doing yoga no less than 3 times a week. Every time after sending her daughter to the interest class, she would take time to learn to dance. In order to maintain her patience and gentle temper, she insists on practicing calligraphy. She gradually fell in love with sports and even completed 4 marathons with her daughters. For ten years, in ordinary days, she cultivated and improved herself from the outside to the inside. Ten years later, her comparison photos tell you that even a mother of two children can still achieve a reversal in life. International superstar Sophie Marceau once said that the most tragic thing about a woman is not her aging, but her loss of herself in marriage and ordinary life. How can a woman who has no self demand her children and husband to love and respect her? The best time to plant a tree was ten years ago, and the second best time was now. If you want to change and improve yourself, remember, it’s never too late to start. Backend also often receives inquiries from readers:What should I do if my child doesn’t like reading? What should I do if my child is a homebody and doesn’t like to exercise? What should I do if my child is selfish and doesn’t know how to take care of others? Actually, the answer is simple. If you want your children to love reading, you must first love reading and create a book-filled living environment for your children. Instead of just lying on the sofa and playing with your phone when you get home, yelling loudly that you only play games and don’t read. If you want your child to love sports and make friends, you must first maintain a fitness habit and take the initiative to take your child to climb mountains and play ball games instead of staying at home after work and eating more and getting fatter; if you want your child to know how to If you have a happy lover and a happy family, you must first care for and take care of your lover. Your children will naturally learn from you how to love and take care of others. In the process of accompanying our children to grow up, what has the greatest impact on them is not what we do for them, but who we ourselves have become. The famous science fiction writer Arthur Clark engraved this sentence on his epitaph: \”I never grew up, but I never stopped growing.\” The road to raising children is also a way for mothers to improve themselves. The path of spiritual practice. In 2019, I hope that we can always move upward together with our children on this road and never stop growing. And may we all become better mothers, wives, and women in the end.