What should I do if my child has no opinion since he was a child?

During the holidays, friends gather to drink tea and chat, and children play in the yard. During this period, a friend said: \”CC and Youyou (another girl) have really good personalities. They are lively, brave, and have many ideas. Unlike my family, which have no independent opinions at all.\” Then the friend listed a series of examples of children who have no independent opinions. For example: Download the high-definition version of the 104 episodes of the domestic cartoon The Bear Cartoon. When playing with others, he always acts as a follower and does whatever others ask him to do; even when he disagrees with others, he gives up after others say a few words. ; His toys are taken away as soon as others tell him to, and his playmates all know that he is easy to bully. Although the topic of chatting and laughing passed quickly, it can actually be seen that my friend is worried about this matter. Isn\’t it bad for a child who has a soft personality and no independent opinions and is willing to be a follower? not necessarily. There are many reasons why children have no independent opinions and become \”doorsteps\”. They are due to their personality and are also related to their later education environment. 1. At a certain stage, children who are 2-4 years old like to follow others and play like followers of older children. Because older children are so interesting. They know more and have many ways to play. They will teach themselves many rules of the game, which makes them unable to help but imitate and create a sense of admiration. This gives rise to the behavior of a super fanboy, who does whatever others do and follows them wherever they go. Even if they are ordered around or disliked, they will never tire of it. Young children do not yet have the ability to \”associate with someone in order to achieve a certain purpose.\” Generally speaking, they are based on the premise that they are more comfortable and interesting to be with. To put it simply, \”I am happy.\” Therefore, when we find that our child has become a little follower and has no independent opinion, we must first confirm whether the child is comfortable in social interaction. In other words, it is whether the child is willing to be a follower and be controlled by others. If the child is happy to play with others and enjoy it, there is no need to intervene. Some children naturally don\’t like to lead others, but being led is a very easy thing. As long as you follow the arrangements, there are many fun and interesting things to do. This feeling is also quite good. If adults can\’t stand it, it just shows that the adults\’ psychology is at work. They use their own experiences to judge others, and they think that their children are compromising. But in fact, people themselves are beautiful. Not only did I not feel uncomfortable, I was even happy that I had someone to follow me and that I could be \”commanded\”. So, as long as the child is not \”forced\” and does not feel uncomfortable, there is no need to worry. A child\’s natural feelings are the most intuitive. A temporary compromise may be for fun, but if the other person makes him feel uncomfortable for a long time, he will gradually distance himself. 2. Habitual obedience: There are children who are naturally tough and have many ideas, and there are children who are soft, docile and obedient. Rather than eagerly competing for leadership, some children prefer to be followers. There is nothing inherently good or bad about wanting to be a leader or a follower, but: even though you feel uncomfortable, you still obey the arrangements of others. I was obviously very unhappy when someone else took away my toy, but I didn’t dare to ask for it back. Even if there is an unfair situation during play, I will tolerate it in order to avoid conflict. These are the things that need attentionsquare. Following does not mean sacrificing one\’s own rights and bottomless compromises, nor does it mean suppressing one\’s own ideas to cater to others. We must pay attention to the reasons behind children\’s lack of independent opinions. \”The Mask of the Soul\” mentions a psychological defense mechanism of \”self-object fusion\”: \”Children become what others ask for to avoid the emotions that trouble them. What is common is the fear of \”losing.\” Behind this kind of defense is actually a heart that has been tamed after being preached or accused for a long time. This is mostly due to parental control and denial. I was shopping in a shopping mall during the holidays and met a mother and daughter who were choosing clothes. The girl was about 6 or 7 years old and was following her mother. Her mother urged, \”Look and see if there is anything you like.\” The little girl said, \”I don\’t know which one to buy?\” \”Buy your own clothes and see for yourself.\” But when the little girl took a piece of clothing and looked at her mother, her mother said, \”This color is too light and it doesn\’t stand up to stains.\” . The little girl changed into another one, and her mother said, \”The design of this one is too complicated, and it\’s not convenient for you to go to the toilet.\” Finally, the girl’s mother muttered, “I can’t even choose any clothes,” and gave the girl a gray coat to try on. We all hope that our children will have their own opinions, but when their final decision deviates from your expectations, it will still stimulate our desire to control and unconsciously persuade or even force our children. To put it bluntly, we say we give children the right to choose, but the answer must be within our ideal answer. Democracy is false, but denial is true. \”This is not okay, you still don\’t understand, listen to your parents.\” How can a child like this have an independent opinion? Slowly, children become accustomed to listening to other people\’s opinions in everything they do. If you listen to your parents at home, you will also listen to others outside. Therefore, when you find that your child is not independent enough, you have to think about whether you have destroyed your child\’s subjective independence. If we want our children to have their own opinions outside the home, we must do these things at home: 1. Gradually delegate authority and not always make decisions for our children. When children are young, their parents take care of everything, and we are used to doing everything for our children. But when children get older and begin to have self-awareness, parents will begin to delegate authority little by little, consciously cultivate their children\’s independence and autonomy, and let them make their own decisions. The famous TV host Jing Yidan said the most to his daughter, \”You decide for yourself.\” From childhood to adulthood, it is the daughter who makes the final decisions about what to wear, what books to read, and how to fall in love, work, get married, etc. \”The more independent you are, the safer you are,\” she said. Especially for some children who have a well-behaved and obedient personality, parents must be more vigilant and reduce their control over their children. Although it is worry-free and comfortable to raise children who listen to you in everything, the more you control them in the early stage, the harder it will be to let them go later. The less independent a child is at home, the easier it is for him to become a \”doorstep\” outside. We cannot ask our children to be obedient at home but brave and decisive outside. Therefore, the more docile and opinionated the child is, the more we should always alert ourselves, delegate more power, and guide and encourage the child to make more decisions. (When your child hesitates, provide reasonable suggestions for options.) For example, when your child goes out to play and hesitantly asks you \”Mom, which dress should I wear?\”, although it would be more troublesome and labor-saving to just take out the dress, hold on.Give up the near and seek the far. You can guide your children to analyze together: First think about what we are going to do when we go out today? Go to the beautiful beach! Yes, wearing a skirt will look good when taking photos on the beach, but it may be a little inconvenient. Wearing pants is convenient for moving around, but it may not look as good as a skirt. Give some suggested ranges and ultimately let your children make their own decisions. Once the child decides, don\’t interfere and just listen to him. 2. Allow mistakes, let children dare to speak up, let children make their own decisions, and face the consequences of their choices together. In \”Let\’s Go Together\”, when Yang Shuo and her children were choosing a house, Yang Shuo wanted to choose Room 1 (the closest), but Yang Yuchen chose Room 5, which is the farthest and highest altitude. (The filming location was on a 4,411-meter plateau) The staff reminded, \”If Yang Yuchen feels uncomfortable, you can give him a hug.\” But Yang Shuo frowned and said, \”I don\’t care, he chose it himself.\” Raising children is actually most afraid of this kind of \”angsty\” moment – making mistakes of the child to make things worse, in order to consolidate their authority. Because the child is disobedient and makes wrong decisions, we criticize and deny the child – \”Look, you don\’t listen to me, screw it up.\” The child is still young and has no experience to support him, so naturally the decisions he makes will not always be correct. Before you subconsciously deny it, think about it. Is your child’s opinion really undesirable? Is the behavior really intolerable? Are the consequences really unbearable? Especially children who are already docile and obedient are more sensitive to the consequences of their wrong decisions. Just because your child is \”easy to talk\”, you can\’t always induce or coerce him into compromising. Only when a child is sure that \”it\’s not scary to be wrong, and you won\’t be blamed for speaking out\” can he have the courage to make his own decisions. 3. Encourage your children to be assertive in a timely manner. If you want your children to be assertive, you must be prepared to be refuted and challenged by your children at any time. If you can\’t accept it, then it must be difficult for your child to have an opinion. Only when you are prepared and your child makes a voice of objection, what you blurt out may be encouragement rather than questioning; when the child resists our arrangements, your first reaction may not be to criticize but to praise him for having his own ideas. I couldn\’t do it at first, but later, I developed a set of words and copied them, and it was right: \”You talked back to dad.\” German mother\’s experience in teaching integrity and self-discipline: Teach strong + independent + tolerance + thrift. Your child feels wronged when your father criticizes you for spanking? You have grown up and will think about whether your parents\’ behavior is right or wrong. This is a good thing. I hope you will always maintain this critical thinking, because neither adults nor children You will do the right thing 100% of the time. Then, mom, let me explain to you why dad criticizes you…\” When children know that they will not be criticized if they have different opinions from their parents, their rebuttals can be accepted, and their doubts can be answered. Reasonable explanation, slowly, the child\’s self will come out. J.K. Rowling once said: It is our choices, not our abilities, that make us who we are today. You have to face countless choices in life, and it is up to you to decide which path to take. If a person does not have his own opinion, is always hesitant to do things, and is swayed by the influence of others, how can he control his own life? Therefore, we give moreChildren’s courage to speak up for themselves protects their independence in making their own decisions. Giving children the ability to make their own decisions is the education that will truly benefit them throughout their lives.