The essence of effective parent-child communication

Parent-child communication is a compulsory course for every parent, and it runs through the entire process of a child\’s growth. As a parent, what is the right way to communicate with your children? How to effectively communicate and resolve parent-child conflicts? Let\’s take a look – some parents feel that their children used to be quite sensible and have a good relationship with their parents, but suddenly they become like enemies with their parents, unwilling to talk to them, but chatting enthusiastically with their classmates and outsiders. The key lies in the problem of communication between us and our children. For parents to be good at communicating with their children, they need not only correct communication methods, but also correct communication processes. Private: [Complete] Uncle Kai’s story telling by Fu Lin P.E.T.’s insights on parent-child communication. Download all 54 lessons. Before communication: Is a good communication foundation established? Diagnosis: Am I a “wishful thinking” parent? A parent who cannot take good care of himself cannot take good care of his own children, because when communicating with children, what we convey is not only the message of language, but also the flow of emotions and the collision of the soul. Therefore, what kind of parents we are determines our communication patterns and methods. So, have we become \”wishful thinking\” parents? Custodial parents. Such parents regard their children as their only sustenance, regardless of themselves and for the sake of their children. They have no hobbies, no life, no fun of their own. They invest all their time, energy, and emotions in their children, and are willing to give everything. To make children successful. But such parents, on the surface, live for their children, but in fact they want their children to complete their unfinished selves, become what they want to be, and make up for their regretful lives. When children are still young, they do not realize the true intention of their parents\’ love. When they realize that they are just a \”tool\” for their parents to get ahead, they will feel that such love is pressure and a burden. In the end, the children will either become painful internal consumers. , or become a complete rebel. Therefore, what such parents bring to their children is not a flow of love, but a kind of mental abuse that makes them breathless. When children are ungrateful, parents will also feel confused, aggrieved, sad, and desperate: I pay so much for my children, but in the end the children don’t know how to be considerate or grateful! This method of communication is extremely painful for both parties. Because parents’ negative emotions will be projected onto their children, turning them into pressure and burden for the children, and the children and their parents will suffer pain together without realizing it. Therefore, a parent who loses himself cannot raise children who pursue self-realization, happiness and excitement. If we want our children to live like what they want, we must first be their role models. Only by living like our own parents can we teach our children to live their own happiness. People-pleasing parents. This type of parents are unable to accompany their children because they are busy with work, or they neglect to educate their children due to divorce, family changes, etc. They feel sorry for their children, so they feel guilty towards their children and get along with their children with a compensatory mentality. Therefore, they will choose to use material things to make up for the lack of companionship with their children, and use this to please their children and seek self-comfort. Over time, when children feel your guilt, some children will take advantage of their parents\’ guilt and think thatIt must be the parents\’ fault. They took this opportunity to force their parents to satisfy themselves and then push themselves further. As time goes on, the child\’s desires gradually increase, and the parents turn from guilt to indulgence. Finally, a vicious circle is formed, resulting in a child who wants to satisfy his desires without restraint. Therefore, once parents are unable to meet their children\’s needs, instead of being considerate, the children blame their parents for being indebted to them. At this time, the parents will also complain: Why are you so tormenting after giving you so much, and you also specifically oppose your parents. In fact, instead of trying to please your children with a sense of guilt, it is better to communicate honestly with them, express your feelings and difficulties clearly and sincerely to them, and let your children feel trust and love. This will not only eliminate the doubts about parents neglecting them, but also Bring peace of mind and warmth to children. At the same time, take time to spend more time with your children. Children do not need their parents to greet them 24 hours a day, but they need a sense of importance in their parents\’ hearts and to feel that their parents love them. Therefore, only by transforming guilt into a high-quality companionship, caring about the child\’s life, paying attention to his thoughts and feelings, and establishing a close connection between parents and children can parent-child communication be smoother. Controlling parents. This type of parents will use the banner of \”I am your parent, you have to listen to me\” and \”I have crossed more bridges than you have walked\” to interfere in their children\’s life, study, making friends, employment, etc. , dominance and control. Almost all parents think that I love their children. I put all my efforts into thinking about and worrying about my children, so I make all arrangements and decisions for my children with the purpose of \”for the good of the children.\” This actually ignores that the child is an independent individual. They show the authority of their parents and impose their will on the child in the name of \”love\”. This is a kind of \”soft violence\” for children, changing them through control, but what they satisfy is their own ideas and needs. Children brought out in this way will have two extremes, either extremely obedient or extremely resistant. Obedient children will become silent, well-behaved, and have no sense of resistance. Even if they have enviable achievements when they grow up, they will still be sensitive, have low self-esteem, lack security, and lack creativity, self-confidence, and courage; while rebellious children will Because their own wishes and needs are suppressed, they will become willful, angry, run away from home, fight and make troubles, skip school, deviate from tradition, and do some extremely irrational and self-destructive things. In fact, they don\’t really want to hurt their parents, but they want to use extremely violent behaviors to express their desire to be respected and to be independent and free. Controlling parents are accustomed to using command language to communicate with their children. Therefore, only parents themselves know how to self-awareness and self-adjustment, treat their children as independent individuals, communicate on the basis of respect and love, let go, and use invitations and encouragement. Only by using formal language instead of commands can children make their own choices and decisions and become independent people. Premise: Create a communication atmosphere of respect and cooperation ① Respect is the beginning of parent-child communication. What is respect? It means respect and attention, which requires us to accept each other as equals and not to blame or judge others because of our own preferences. The premise of communication is respect, and respect is aThe way people see things. The respect here needs to be divided into self-respect and respect for children. First of all, self-respect means that when we communicate with our children, we should face our own feelings and needs, know how to respect ourselves, be a parent who teaches by example rather than words, and continue to learn and grow through communication. Secondly, respect your children. Although children are younger than us, they are still independent in personality. We should have an equal attitude with our children, respect their age characteristics, their choices and needs, respect their feelings and feelings, and accept them with love. Respect is the basis for creating a cooperative relationship. ②The essence of parent-child communication is to establish a cooperative relationship. The \”he\” of cooperation means \”together\” and the \”zuo\” means \”to do things\”. \”Cooperation\” means \”cooperating with each other to do something together, or to complete a certain task together.\” The prerequisite for communicating with children is to first establish a common cooperative relationship. Such parent-child communication will make parents more relaxed and the children\’s body and mind more happy. What is the status of cooperation? When we communicate with children with a cooperative mentality, both parties will work hard to achieve a common goal. This will create a strong sense of responsibility, the children will be willing to cooperate, and both parties will cooperate with each other for the common goal. Therefore, the position of both parties is not a struggle for power, but a two-way rush. Cooperation can establish a common connection, allowing children to gain a sense of security, trust, and belonging at home, while also cultivating children\’s cooperative spirit. In communication: Is there a correct communication \”posture\”? Be Aware of Dynamic Emotions When dealing with conflicts in parent-child communication, we must first put aside the problems that need to be solved and instead resolve the emotions first. Clearing emotions is the first step in communication. Therefore, when communicating with children, we must first identify emotions, and identify the changing emotions of both parties during conflicts, that is, dynamic emotions, and at the same time, we must learn to express emotions. Good parent-child communication must be based on the awareness and expression of children\’s emotions. Let go of your emotions first, and then talk about how to solve the problem together. So how to detect emotions? Be aware of your child\’s emotions. First, observe the expression. From the child\’s expression, you can tell whether the child is happy, angry, sad, or afraid. Then, look at body movements to see emotions, which are reflected in different postures and movements. Finally, name the emotion, find the accurate name from the child\’s emotion, and express it. \”Just now because no one opened the door for you, you kept kicking the door. Are you feeling angry?\” This kind of expression shows the child\’s dynamic emotions and can effectively control the child\’s emotions. Recognize your own emotions. In addition to being aware of children\’s emotions, parents must also recognize their own emotions. The first step is for parents to correctly perceive their own emotions and clearly know whether they are communicating with their children with emotions. The second step is to see how much of the child\’s emotions are affected by his own emotions. The third step is to deal with emotions, deal with and adjust your emotions. Finally, wait for the opportunity to communicate rather than rushing into communication all at once. Learn to structure listening Listening is a science. In parent-child communication, learning to listen is more important than speaking, because only by listening patiently and guiding children to express more of their thoughts can theyBetter achieve effective communication. Listening is best structured listening. How to establish structured listening? The traditional Chinese character for \”listen\” has \”ears\” and \”king\” on the left, and \”ten eyes\”, \”one\” and \”heart\” on the right. \”Ears\” means to use ears to hear what the facts are; \”一\” means to listen \”wholeheartedly\”; \”Ten Eyes\” means to be good at observation when listening; \”Heart\” means to use empathy to discover the feelings of the other party and the other person\’s inner needs; \”King\” means that the attitude should be respectful and the other person should be respected. The simplified character \”ting\” is composed of \”口 + jin\”. \”Mouth\” means that when listening, we need to have specific and effective responses; and we use our brains to think about the meaning behind the words and measure and evaluate them. From this, when we communicate with our children, we can refer to the following listening elements to evaluate our own listening. It takes a lot of time to see the feelings behind it. When we don’t know what is needed behind a child’s behavior, we cannot fundamentally solve the problem. All a child\’s behavior is to satisfy some need. Once we lack a deep understanding of what motivates behavior, we can never truly resolve a problem or conflict. Therefore, not seeing the communication needed behind the scenes is just scratching the surface. Therefore, we must be good at putting ourselves in someone else\’s shoes, use empathy to understand the child\’s feelings and needs, and accept and recognize the child\’s feelings and needs. Even if they are negative feelings, we must accept them unconditionally. At the same time, we must convey to our children what we see, hear, and feel, and try to guess and confirm the children\’s feelings and needs. This will make it easier for children to form effective communication with us. When listening to your child\’s feelings, ask yourself, what would I need if I were him as a child, and encourage your child to express his or her needs with words rather than actions. At the same time, as parents, we must also see our own needs. We can use four steps to increase parent-child bonding: First, we must acknowledge our own needs and face our own needs sincerely; Second, tell our children our needs. , let the children see our needs and ask for help; the third step is to invite the children to help themselves and propose clear plans to the children; the fourth step is to thank the children for meeting your needs and let the children feel the value of his efforts. Peaceful four-paragraph description When a child makes a mistake, pay attention to expressing it calmly and using a descriptive method instead of an emotional evaluation. For example, if a child turns up the sound very loudly, if he uses an emotional evaluation to express it: \”Why are you so ignorant? Every time you turn up the sound so loudly, you turn off the music immediately. Do you hear this?\” It will stimulate negative emotions in children and make communication difficult. The four-paragraph expression is a descriptive expression using four paragraphs: the first paragraph describes the objective facts seen by the parents. \”The sound of the speaker penetrated the walls of two rooms. The sound was really loud.\” The second paragraph describes the true feelings. \”My ears are shaking so much that I can\’t bear it.\” The third paragraph describes your needs. \”I would very much like the voice to be lowered.\” The fourth paragraph describes the options available. \”You can choose to listen with headphones, or you can close the door.\” Using descriptive language, ChenThe way of describing and expressing it in a calm tone not only reduces the negative emotions of the parents, but also makes it easier for both parties to maintain a rational state, and enables benign communication. After the communication: benign parent-child communication empowers the children\’s life and creates a harmonious and beautiful parent-child life. Relationship Empowerment When a family has harmonious parent-child communication and a harmonious parent-child relationship, a child who grows up in love will feel needed and cared for, and will have a greater sense of security, trust and belonging, and will be more able to Feel your own value in society. Therefore, children\’s future intimate relationships and attachment relationships will be healthier and more harmonious. In addition, the model of family interaction will also affect the child\’s future family model, including the future parenting model of his own children. Therefore, good parent-child communication not only empowers a harmonious and beautiful parent-child relationship, but also empowers the family relationships of future generations. To empower children with harmonious interpersonal relationships, a child who grows up with respect and cooperation will know more about cooperation and be more responsible in the days to come. At the same time, children who grow up in harmonious parent-child communication are better able to adjust their mentality, stabilize their emotions, and be considerate of others at all times. Therefore, parent-child communication not only affects children\’s interpersonal relationships, but also affects children\’s future work and life. The process of empowering parent-child communication to cultivate children\’s emotional intelligence is also the process of cultivating children\’s emotional intelligence. Because when dealing with positive parent-child communication, children know how to identify their own feelings and emotions, and can not only handle their own emotions well, but also understand and consider the emotions of others. While paying attention to their own needs, they can also see and take care of others. need. Such children are not only happy themselves, but also have the ability to make others happy. Therefore, good parent-child communication can cultivate children\’s high emotional intelligence. Parents should remember: the purpose of parent-child communication is not only to resolve conflicts, but also to connect hearts and minds, and the collision of wisdom and wisdom. It is to make children become people who can manage their emotions and take care of others, and truly serve their children. Lay the foundation for the future and empower children’s happiness!