The secret weapon of inner strength is to give children rights and give them a sense of control

Recently, I met two children like this during the consultation process: When Little A came in, he was angry and angry, and said to me emotionally: \”I only ranked 10th in the monthly exam this time. I have always been first.\” Second.\” Little A\’s mother was helpless: \”I\’m actually very satisfied with the 10th place, but if the child is strong, he can\’t accept this result.\” Little A said angrily: \”I took this test and didn\’t even know that we How will my classmates and teachers look at me, and maybe they will laugh at me behind my back!\” When Little B came in, he was in a very depressed mood and kept his head down. I asked her what I could do to help her? Little B said: \”I feel that I am very bad. No one likes me. I am not recognized by my classmates and cannot make good friends.\” During the questioning process, Little B kept rubbing the corners of his clothes tightly. Little B\’s mother said: \”We have praised this child since she was a child, so why does she have such low self-esteem?\” Little B said frustratedly: \”I know it\’s my fault. My classmates are all very good, but it\’s all my fault.\” .\” Both of these are very common and typical manifestations among teenagers. It seems that one is strong and the other has low self-esteem. They are two completely different problems and personality types. However, in the final analysis, the family education behind them is the same problem—— Lack of sense of control. What is a sense of control? In 1987, Wallston proposed that sense of control refers to an individual\’s belief that he or she can determine his or her internal state and external behavior, influence the surrounding environment, and achieve desired results. Many studies have shown that if you can have a stronger sense of control, you can relieve stress to a certain extent and have a stronger psychological ability to withstand stress. For example, when we successfully overcome a difficulty, we will feel much less stressed and more comfortable the next time we encounter the same difficulty. This is because we have a sense of control over solving similar problems. Download the PDF version of Raising Girls e-book [on the bestseller list for 15 consecutive years] How to cultivate a sense of control in children? Allowing children to make decisions for themselves is the basis for a sense of control. Only by doing things of their own choice and then solving them will children feel that I can fully control the matter. For example, if a child is asked to do homework, if the child completes the homework according to his own arrangements and methods, then he will feel that doing homework is very simple, and I have no problem. However, if parents force their children to complete it, then the children think that this matter is the parents\’ request and task, and I just complete a task because of their forcing. So when a child encounters a more difficult assignment, or there is no reminder or pressure from his parents, he will feel that he cannot complete the assignment, and will procrastinate and avoid it, even if his actual ability is fine. This is a manifestation of a lack of sense of control. Let your children do the little things they can do. The little things they can do in life are the quickest and easiest way to gain a sense of control. For example, when we are anxious, we clean our room or go for a run. Because doing these little things can make us feel in control again and reduce anxiety. In daily life, do not pamper your children and do not do anything for them. When they are young, let them dress and eat by themselves; slowly let them take on some housework within their capabilities;Give your child a small goal and let him achieve it step by step. In this process, children slowly accumulate successful experiences over and over again, and will become more confident and have a greater sense of control when encountering difficulties again. Attributing success to children\’s efforts From the perspective of attribution, the sense of control can be divided into two types: internal control and external control. People with an internal locus of control tend to believe that the outcome of an event mainly depends on their own efforts, while people with an external locus of control believe that the outcome of an event mainly depends on luck, opportunity, fate, and other external uncontrollable forces. People with internal locus of control feel more in control and have more boundaries, while people with external locus of control feel more out of control or try to control others. After a child successfully solves a problem, we must emphasize that the child\’s own efforts and quality are the key to success. For example, if your child does well in an exam, we say that you have done your homework so seriously during this period, and your grades have rewarded you. When a child is elected as a class committee member, we say that if you see that you are always helpful and caring, your classmates will recognize you and elect you. The sense of control comes from the experience of achieving success through self-effort again and again. Give autonomy to children and let them experience their own sense of control. Children will naturally have a strong heart. Finally, here are our suggestions and results for the two children at the beginning of the article: Little A’s classmate: Little A believes that he has gained the respect of his classmates and the favor of his teachers because of his good grades. This is a typical sense of external control: I of success reviews come from others. The analysis found that Little A’s family education will subtly emphasize a belief: if you want others to respect you, you must be strong enough. Because parents also believe this: only when their children have excellent grades can they be respected by others. Under this understanding, the parent\’s sense of control depends on Little A, and Little A\’s sense of control depends on the efforts (ranking) of other students. Once others work hard and Little A\’s ranking drops, everyone in the family will lose their sense of control and become anxious and angry. ● Later, I discussed with Little A that I could teach students a topic every week. At the same time, parents and teachers could discuss that Little A could be a study committee member and teach learning methods to classmates. Little B: Little B is a good girl in the family. Children are basically not required to do things at home. However, parents are also very strict with Little B, ranging from dressing and eating, details of life, to choosing interests, homework arrangements, etc. The situation of making friends must be monitored and intervened at any time. The analysis found that when Little B puts forward his own ideas, his parents will also use \”negotiation\” to let Little B follow their ideas. This kind of living situation without a sense of autonomy makes Little B have no sense of control. If there is resistance, the parents will use their meticulous care in life to make Little B feel guilty. Therefore, Little B always believed that any problems in any relationship were his fault, and Little B lost his sense of control. ● After the parents and Little B realized this problem, they gave her the choice of buying clothes and hairstyle, and let Little B take on part of the housework; they chose her favorite art to do interest classes; and she could use WeChat for half an hour every day to follow her. Classmates chat. Little B gradually became cheerful and lively, and also made good friends in the art class. Raising Boys Collector\’s Edition PDF download [on the bestseller list for 15 consecutive years] Children are not lawns, we don\’t have toBe like a gardener and \”prun\” your children. Giving children enough space to grow is what we should do now.