What is the appropriate sense of boundaries between parents and children?

Two days ago, while chatting with a friend, we got into an argument about an issue. In her opinion, today\’s children are too delicate, cannot withstand wind and rain, and are not independent at all. \”The living conditions are so good, and parents have created everything. Why are they afraid of hardship and tiredness, and not as brave and fearless as we used to be?\” I said, you have given the answer, it is precisely because parents have arranged everything, because parents do not trust their children , not giving children a chance to be independent. As a college teacher and a mother of two children, I have observed and contacted tens of thousands of children and the families behind them. It is very heartbreaking to discover that in many parts of our country, those who need independence most are not children, but parents. A parent-child relationship without a sense of boundaries is a disaster. I watched an emotional program and a girl burst into tears and confessed that her mother had controlled her life for 26 years. She had been hanging out with her good friends since she was a child, and wanted to establish friendship, but her mother refused to allow it and ignored her tears. She went out to eat with a boy, and her mother thought there was something wrong with her and pulled a lot of her hair off, shattering her self-esteem. When a girl grows up and starts working, she feels that her salary can support her and she is very proud. However, her mother still stands in the way and thinks that she can\’t do anything well. However, what did the mother do when faced with her daughter\’s cries? 6980 Yuan Zhang Guowei\’s Comprehensive Parent-Child Relationship Skills Recording + Handouts + Quick Notes She was unmoved. She kept talking about the difficulty of giving birth to and raising her daughter, and believed that her interference was out of doting and caring for her daughter. Little did she realize that she had pushed her daughter further and further away, and also eroded her daughter\’s courage and confidence to be independent. Unfortunately, there are many such parents in life who always want to control everything about their children and are unwilling to give up some space for their children to experience, trial and error, think and grow. When the children play with toys, they keep interrupting them and ask the children to learn at their own pace; when the children go to interest classes, they always keep a close eye on the children and never think that they should let go slowly; when the children do not meet their own requirements, they It will be difficult to hide the loss: \”I have given everything for you, I live for you, how can you do this to me!\”… From a psychological point of view, this kind of dedication stems from the parents\’ \”self\” too much When they are young, they have not fully realized themselves, so they unconsciously put their expectations and attention on their children. I can\’t help but think of that sentence: \”If the mother is unhappy, the child will not dare to be happy, because he will think that the mother is in pain, and if he is happy, this will be the biggest betrayal to the mother.\” If parents are always firmly in control Carrying a child will not only cause huge psychological pressure on the child, but will also cut off the child\’s wings, causing the child to lose the confidence and motivation to fly. At the same time, parents will feel exhausted and complain. After all, when your energy is always tense, your body and mind are always busy, and everything revolves around your children, how can you live a light and open-minded self? Give your children more space and give yourself more peace of mind. I remember when my son first entered kindergarten, I had mixed feelings in my heart. I was naturally very happy to see that little figure, carrying a schoolbag, slowly walking forward towards the bigger world. But when he thought about it, he firstBefore, she was still nestled in my arms, with me in her heart and eyes, but now she is getting farther and farther away from me, and I can\’t help but feel sad. It was my husband\’s words that woke me up: \”Children always have to grow up and adapt to society. We should also focus on our own work and life.\” Yes, the children are growing up and the parents are growing up. They are each thinking about it, but they are also worried about each other. Isn\’t leaving space the best parent-child relationship? If I always keep my child by my side and always revolve around my child, then the final result may be that I inadvertently project all my emotions onto my child, while ignoring my own real demands and long-term growth. . In other words, although I am a mother in name, I am not truly independent and mature psychologically, and naturally I cannot lead my children to grow up. When one day, the child gets used to using my feelings as the code of conduct and acts around my needs, what he will lose is a more open and full life. Reminds me of an interesting story shared by Papi Jiang. Her mother contacted her to ask how she was doing. The first sentence is still expressing concern, feeling sorry for the hard work of my daughter, but the next sentence is very chic, saying that I am going to go to KTV to sing with my old sisters happily. Papi Jiang was not angry at all, but instead complained happily, and sincerely advised parents all over the world: \”I hope all parents can be like this and have their own happy and independent lives, so that we as children will feel more at ease.\” Yes, parents first When children are happy, they can relax more. Parents must first become independent before their children can become more mature. For children, too much attention, control and arranging will make them feel not love and warmth, but endless burdens. On the contrary, if parents turn their attention back to themselves, pay more attention to themselves, and take care of themselves, their children will worry less when exploring the outside world and move forward more firmly. Before teaching children to be independent, parents must first learn to be independent. It is true that as parents, we all want our children to be safe and sound, and we are eager to protect our children from wind and rain. But too many facts tell us that only when parents loosen their tight foreheads, soothe their anxious hearts, and take care of their tired selves first can they provide their children with a steady stream of energy for growth. You might as well start with the following three points from now on. 01 Respect children’s feelings. Director of the documentary \”Post Zero\”, Zhang Tongdao shared a small incident. In winter, when his 4-year-old son was washing his hands, he reminded him that \”the water is not hot.\” But his son answered him seriously: \”That\’s how you feel. I feel hot.\” At that moment, he felt that his son was particularly worthy of respect for expressing his feelings. No matter how old children are, their feelings need to be seen and they crave respect from their parents. When parents let go of judgment and control and allow their children to express and experience, only then can children follow their hearts and be brave enough to be themselves. 02 Exit the child’s world appropriately. When children grow up and need to enter school and society, parents must not be anxious or even block their children’s progress. Instead, we should tell ourselves that we are adults and must learn to let go and exit gracefully. When necessary, you may even have to push hard to let your children break their inner fears and learn to step out of their comfort zone, thereby opening up new areas of growth. In this process, parents can also be more open-minded.Meet the richer self. Just like that sentence said: \”I slowly and slowly understood that the so-called father-daughter mother-son relationship just means that your fate with him is to watch his back gradually fade away in this life. Far away. You stand at this end of the path and watch him gradually disappear at the turning point of the path, and he silently tells you with his back: No need to chase.\” 03 Take good care of your own life. When children grow up, as parents, we You should also take your mind back to yourself and pay more attention to your own feelings. Always ask yourself: Am I okay? Am I happy? What can I do for myself? When we learn to take care of ourselves and get used to taking care of ourselves, we also implicitly convey a belief to our children, that is: I am important and I deserve to be loved. In this way, children can also understand that learning to love and passing on love is true independence and maturity. I often hear people around me say that the Chinese-style parent-child relationship is always touching but also a bit heavy. I think that as more and more educational concepts become popular and as more and more negative cases become alarming, it is time for us to loosen our ties and reduce the pressure on each other. Those smart parents know how to make themselves independent while also making their children independent. Those outstanding children are those who have found what they love and are able to persevere. Parents and children are originally a spiritual practice that gradually drifts apart. I sincerely hope that every parent can open up a little more and give their children the soil to try, the courage to explore, and the determination to move forward. I sincerely hope that every child can be loved, trusted, practiced and exercised, and gradually become brave and independent.