How to make children more confident and bold

A few days ago, I happened to see a story told by Li Songwei, a Ph.D. in psychology from Peking University. He has a 9-year-old daughter. When he sent his daughter to learn how to swim, he found that her daughter was very afraid of water and could not learn how to swim. The more the coach told her not to be afraid, the more it backfired. He was very troubled: How can he make his daughter become confident and overcome her fear of water? He recalled that at first, his daughter was not so afraid of swimming, but after experiencing several times of choking and being corrected by the coach, she became more and more afraid. \”If I say to my daughter at this time, \’Come on, you can do it\’ or \’Come on, you are great,\’ she may temporarily suppress her fear; but soon when she sees others swimming better than her, her gestures will change. If you are wrong, you will only become more anxious and fall into a cycle of constant choking…\” So, Li Songwei did not encourage or praise her daughter, but quietly told her a secret: \”Everyone has to be afraid 100 times when learning to swim. Now you have If you are afraid more than a dozen times, you will learn it after being afraid more than 80 times.\” As a result, her daughter quickly overcame her fear, learned to swim, and was as comfortable in the water as a little dolphin. Why is it so amazing? The reason is that after the daughter\’s fearful emotion was accepted, it was reconstructed. When she knew that \”fear\” was a normal thing, her reaction was different. As parents, we all hope to raise a sunny, confident child who is not afraid of setbacks. However, if you want to cultivate a confident child, you cannot rely solely on praise or encouragement. You might as well try these 4 communication skills to help your children find their way back to confidence. Empathic Communication Once I was in the park and saw a group of children playing football, with a mother and son watching nearby. The little boy obviously wanted to play football with them, so the boy\’s mother asked him to step forward and join. But the little boy was too embarrassed to come forward, and his mother was very impatient: \”A real man, what\’s there to be shy about?\” Finally, the little boy\’s face turned red and he cried loudly. There is a word in psychology called \”empathy\”, that is, I see where you are struggling, what your behavioral habits and study habits are, and I help you solve the problem. If you say to a shy and introverted child, \”Go socialize, kid,\” it will be difficult for him to do so. Only when parents squat down, understand their children, and know where their children are struggling can they help them take that important step. I remember one time, my son was studying a math problem and couldn\’t solve it for 2 hours, so he sighed. After I heard it, I walked over immediately. After I understood the situation, I first expressed my understanding: \”Let mom take a look at your problem. Don\’t tell me, this problem is really difficult for third-grade children.\” Then I empathized: \”Actually, mom When I was a kid, I was very bad at math. It took me half a month to learn it. You are much better than me. Don’t worry, let’s take your time.” After hearing this, my son’s self-esteem was greatly comforted, and he took the initiative to ask for help. Keep studying and you must overcome this problem. In fact, the focus of empathic communication is: understand the child\’s difficulties, help him build steps, and then help him achieve it. When you understand your child\’s feelings from his perspective, your child will naturally feel your care and understanding. Not only will the parent-child relationship become more harmonious, but the children will also develop trust andTake strides forward in understanding. Empowering Communication Many children, once they suffer setbacks, their confidence is greatly reduced and they can easily fall into despair. The focus of empowering communication is to help children improve their sense of self-efficacy and convince them that \”I can do it\”, thereby giving birth to the confidence and courage to face difficulties. First, we must teach children to face failure and correctly attribute success or failure. Just like the conversation between teacher Li Songwei and her daughter, it not only caught the child\’s fearful emotions, but also allowed her to look at failure with a normal mind, thus planting the seeds of \”I can\” in the child\’s heart. My son is always good at math, scoring above 95 every time. As a result, once, he only scored 84 points and was depressed. I took the paper and helped him analyze it: \”This time\’s questions are obviously more difficult than the previous ones, and there are many question types that you have never been exposed to. It\’s normal that you can\’t do it. It\’s not a problem of your ability.\” After listening, The smile reappeared on the son\’s face and he regained his former confidence. The second is to give children specific, sincere and high-quality encouragement. Encouraging children regularly will indeed make them more confident. However, relying solely on simple encouragements such as \”I believe you can do it\” and \”You can do it\” is difficult to give children the belief that \”I can do it\” and will only increase pressure on them. What children really need is concrete and sincere affirmation, also known as \”high-quality encouragement.\” Gu Ailing\’s mother never asked her daughter to strive for first place, but told her daughter to only challenge herself. At the age of 13, Gu Ailing participated in a professional open competition for the first time. He fell heavily and was frustrated. But her mother patted her back gently and said: \”You are competing with so many adults at the age of 13. I am proud of you.\” Therefore, she can withstand hard exercise and pain, stand up again and again, and continue to Get good grades. Empowering communication allows children to learn to affirm themselves and build stable self-confidence and self-efficacy. Guided Communication Last summer, I took my children to an outdoor summer camp. There, I was particularly impressed by an 8 or 9-year-old boy. Other children were still holding on to adults\’ hands, but he had quickly become one with his friends. When he encountered a problem while hiking, he was calmer than adults, quickly analyzed the situation, and found a solution. Later, I observed the chatting pattern between this boy and his parents, and found that they rarely asked their children to follow their ideas, but mostly used a guiding tone: \”Why don\’t you try this?\” \”You can plan tomorrow\’s itinerary later.\” Right?\” In fact, if you want to raise a confident and capable child, parents might as well change the tone of commanding and demanding, and instead make good use of guided communication. For example, children are often asked these three questions in life: 1. \”What can you do about this matter?\” Allow children to have various ideas. Regardless of whether the ideas are childish or mature, you can discuss them with your children. Don\’t rush into it. criticism. 2. \”What choice will you make?\” After reasonable guidance from parents, children will understand certain consequences and make corresponding choices. Parents should respect their children\’s choices and let them judge the rationality of their choices based on the consequences. 3. \”How do you want me to help you?\” When children ask their parents for help, parents express support, such asIf a child wants to rely on his or her own abilities to solve problems, parents must also agree, which will help improve their ability to solve problems. Respect your children more and give them the right to choose, so that they can get more opportunities to express themselves and become more independent and confident. Relaxed communication has seen many parents who have high expectations for their children since childhood. What they often say is: \”You have to get ahead and bring glory to our family.\” Or \”You have to work hard! Mom believes you can do it!\” I thought I was encouraging the child, but it hurt the child\’s heart all over. Because for children, parents\’ outspoken encouragement is actually giving them too high expectations and \”kidnapping\” them to keep moving forward. The word \”relaxation\” is very popular recently, and you may have heard of it. Relaxed communication is to use words to convey love, trust and acceptance to children, so that children can feel safe and full of hope for the future. Xiao He, a senior high school student in Hunan, once did not do well in a mock exam. He was worried that he would not be able to pass the exam and was in a very depressed mood after returning home. After her mother found out, she did not encourage her like ordinary parents: \”Come on, Mom believes you will definitely be able to pass the first class exam!\” Instead, she comforted her heart-warmingly: \”It doesn\’t matter if you can\’t pass the first class exam, you can also pass the second class exam. , as long as you are healthy and happy.\” After listening to his mother\’s words, Xiao He\’s nose became sour and tears flowed out. Not only did she release her anxiety and uneasiness, she was also determined to regain her strength and prepare well for the next exam. In fact, rather than just encouraging our children, we need to be a refueling station that our children love. For example, you can say: \”It doesn\’t matter, everyone does poorly sometimes, don\’t take it to heart.\” \”Dear, you are already great, you are doing very well here!\” In this way, use tolerance And affirmation injects the courage and strength into the child to overcome all difficulties, nourishes the child\’s heart, and builds a long embankment of self-confidence for him. Child psychologist Adele Farber said: \”Never underestimate the impact of your words on your child\’s life.\” Children can draw strength from their parents\’ words and face the future with full confidence and security. wind and rain. Language is the best tool for spiritual communication. As long as it is used properly and affects the heartstrings, it can play a spiritual concerto. Parents who know how to speak well can raise children who are confident, sunny and have a sound personality.