How to raise a sober, self-disciplined and motivated child

A few days ago, I saw an interesting piece of news. A boy from Hunan didn\’t study, didn\’t take a shower, and kept watching TV when he came home. He refused to listen to his parents\’ advice. Later, when he got tired of watching and wanted to go back to the house to sleep, his mother pulled him into the living room and \”rewarded\” him for watching TV all night long. His parents took turns supervising him to prevent the baby from falling asleep. Throughout the process, the child went from being excited, to being confused, to having his body hollowed out, to being hopeless, until he completely lost interest in TV, which was both poignant and funny to watch. But it turns out that magic can be defeated with magic. Many parents applauded this crunchy parenting style, and many even commented that although their parents\’ approach was a bit excessive, they did a great job. Follow the child\’s path and prevent the child from finding a new path. This kind of parenting style is \”reverse parenting\” that has become very popular among parents recently. Reverse parenting method 1: Establish a soft connection with the child and drive the child to self-guide. Only after becoming a parent do you realize that the child is the ultimate question maker and there is no standard answer. As long as the children are around, the parents are either answering questions or on the way to answer them. No matter how many points you get in the end, complying with the question maker\’s intention is always the first step in solving the question. On Weibo, a father personally demonstrated how to adapt to his children\’s wishes and get them to quit gaming on their own initiative. The child was playing games quietly on the sofa, and his father calmly walked over to watch him play. Seeing that his son\’s skills still needed to be improved, his father couldn\’t bear it anymore and kept giving his son advice. While instructing the child to keep starting over, he urged the child to \”play the game seriously even if it\’s not good\”. In the end, the child didn\’t know whether he was too speechless about his skills or was \”attacked\” by his father\’s guidance. He actually put his phone aside and said that he never wanted to play games again. You see, as long as parents are willing to let go and follow their children\’s wishes for a while, the children will naturally turn back when they bump their heads. In fact, what the father did was quite reasonable. There is a kind of behavioral therapy in psychology called aversion therapy, which is to connect your unpleasant experience with the inappropriate behavior at the moment, in order to achieve the purpose of suppressing the inappropriate behavior. American psychologist Scott said: The process of guiding children\’s spiritual growth and mental maturity is completely different from the process of raising children based on biological instincts. For parents, skillfully guiding their children\’s inappropriate behavior and establishing a soft connection with their children not only expresses care and win over their children. For children, nothing is more immediate and profound than the unpleasant experience of actively trying inappropriate behavior. No one likes to be forced, educated, or controlled. The more oppression there is, the more the child will struggle to resist. The more let go, the more it will drive the child to self-direction. Reverse parenting method 2: Only when parents are \”incompetent\” can children have unlimited potential. Before becoming parents, they always wanted to be an omnipotent superhuman parent. However, the child instantly extinguished the overwhelming ambition of being a parent. You are omnipotent, and your children sit back and enjoy the fruits of their labor, doing nothing. Yes, then follow the child\’s path and let the child fend for himself. In the variety show \”Where Are We Going, Dad\”, Liu Ye implements this kind of \”showing weakness\” parenting strategy. Once, Nuoyi gave up his good house to a friend. Liu Ye was afraid that he would be sad, so he started crying on his own. KnotAs a result, instead of worrying about the house, Nuo Yi stepped forward to comfort his father Liu Ye. After entering the house, Liu Ye lay on the bed and told Nuo Yi what it means to have a family with four walls, while Nuo Yi quietly lit a fire. Sure enough, as long as the parents are \”incompetent\” enough, the children can do anything. It has to be said that Liu Ye used the essence of trans parenting to the extreme, and little by little he cultivated Noyi into a warm-hearted, attentive and responsible child. Of course, \”incompetent\” does not mean that you are really unable or do not understand, but that you stimulate the child\’s inner potential by showing weakness. Every year when new students in Qingbei share their experiences at the beginning of school, there are always a group of people who say that they were tricked by their mothers into attending a prestigious school. They said that they were not so self-disciplined before, and it was their mother who asked them to tell themselves what the teacher said that day. Mother will take notes carefully when listening to the lecture, and will keep asking questions if she doesn’t understand something, and will praise her child for how well he speaks. Over time, the children will have a sense of value and pride, and they will listen very carefully during class, for fear of missing any knowledge points. Really, the same academic master, the same mother\’s routine. In fact, the logic behind this is the Feynman learning method: teaching is the best way to learn. Through teaching, children realize a closed loop of input, thinking and output. While deepening the understanding and memory of knowledge, the two channels of Ren and Du that I studied were also opened up. I have to say that the longest road a child has traveled is the routine of his parents. A German mother’s experience in teaching integrity and self-discipline: Teach good children who are strong + independent + tolerant + thrifty. How to better implement reverse education? No parent is perfect, and parents will inevitably get tired or become overbearing in the battle of their children\’s growth. If the child wins, it\’s a comedy; if the parents win, it\’s a tragedy. Times have changed, children have changed, and parents have to change too. The following 3 small suggestions will help you better learn reverse parenting: ① Show weakness and encourage verbally to provide emotional value. Author Bi Shumin once said: For some things, the thicker is not the better, it must be just right. Children generally have active minds and sensitive hearts. When they vent their emotions, do not criticize them as soon as they open their mouths, but learn to listen and encourage them. For example, if a child is afraid of being punished by his parents because he failed in an exam, you can say: My child, mom knows that you work hard. As long as you work hard, no matter what the result is, you are still a good child of your mother… Only when parents communicate with gentle and firm language can children open their hearts. ② Pretend to be stupid in life and cultivate children\’s sense of responsibility. Pretending to be stupid is to let children have a sense of pride and accomplishment in front of their parents. We state the needs, ask the children to help, and then sincerely praise the children for their efforts. For example, \”Can you help me put this thing in XX place?\”; after the child does it, tell the child: \”You are a good helper for my mother. With you here, my mother feels very safe and happy.\” Take your time and let your children know that they can\’t count on their parents. For example, if your child is very anxious to do his homework, you tell him not to be anxious and to write slowly. Give your child a relaxed attitude and let him relax mentally. Over time, children will slowly develop their own sense of responsibility. ③In education, it seems to be understood but not understood. Cultivate children\’s sense of value and transform it in education.Identity, let children take the initiative. When studying, let your children explain what they learned at school to their parents when they get home. Output in the form of narrative can deepen the understanding and application of knowledge. The process of educating parents can also help children feel the value of learning. At the end of the writing, I agree with a sentence: Parents with shackles cannot raise children who can spread their wings and soar. Why do we love our children so much, but are often rejected by them? Because children are always attracted to new and exciting ways and hate a casual growth environment. You might as well stand from the child\’s perspective, change yourself, use wisdom to get closer to the child, and use trans parenting thinking to cleverly resolve the child\’s manipulations. Click [Like], I hope every parent can understand their children, and every child can be understood by their parents.