What\’s going on when my child yells and gets angry and irritated all the time?

My friend often complained to me recently: \”My child\’s temper is getting really bad. One second he was clear and clear, and the next second he was in a violent storm; if something went wrong, he would roll around and yell. He refuses to listen to good advice. He responds with violence, but he gets more and more violent. There is really nothing you can do about him.\” In fact, children will not lose their temper for no reason. Every time a child loses his temper, it is an expression of his inner emotions. I remember that the American writer Patti Whiffler once wrote in the book \”Listening to Children\”: \”Children like to express all their emotions at home and in front of their loved ones because they can be listened to and understood. The more children are understood, the more likely they are to express their emotions at home. He will behave better outside in the future.\” Therefore, when a child loses his temper, what parents need to do most is not to \”reason\” and \”stop\”, but to understand what the child is thinking. \”I feel very frustrated.\” A psychiatrist once told such a case: There was a 5-year-old boy who often lost his temper at home, and the situation was getting worse and worse. Mom and Dad were at a loss and had to seek help from a doctor. The doctor asked them: \”What do you think the child wants to express when he loses his temper?\” The parents said categorically: \”I think the child is deliberately looking for trouble.\” However, when the doctor talked to the little boy, he found that the little boy was not at all. Deliberately looking for trouble, but a manifestation of his inner frustration. The little boy has an older brother who is excellent in everything. The little boy always feels that he is not as good as his elder brother. The accumulated frustration and depression in his heart often make the little boy fall into an irritable and restless mood. The prefrontal lobe of the child\’s brain is immature and has insufficient ability to control and regulate emotions, so it is easy to lose control. Not stacking blocks well, losing the game, not being able to do homework, and trivial things that adults consider insignificant are enough to make a child collapse. I remember that education expert Wang Jinzhan once said: \”If a \’poor student\’ can constantly feel the joy of success and receive constant praise and encouragement, he can become an excellent student.\” In the same way, it is best to let a child get rid of frustration. The best way is to work hard to discover the shining points of the child, praise and encourage the child without hesitation, so that the child will become more and more confident and powerful. \”I want to say it but I can\’t explain it clearly.\” I saw a video online: a little boy about three or four years old started to lose his temper inexplicably. CCTV recommends over 500 high-scoring documentaries. After watching it, the child became addicted to self-discipline. He stamped his feet and cried in front of his mother, spit at her, hit her, scolded her, hit her with a chair, and yelled… Mom She was so angry that she yelled at him: \”I really don\’t understand you! Why are you angry? Do you want to smash me to death? Can you express yourself more clearly?\” It wasn\’t until she saw the little boy wet his pants that the mother suddenly realized: \”So you are I want to pee.\” After hearing this sentence that finally came to his heart, the little boy\’s face suddenly turned gloomy and he laughed. Marc Brackett, a professor at the Yale University Child Study Center, once wrote in his book \”Emotional Unlocking\”: \”Many children lose their temper because they cannot accurately describe their feelings.\” The language skills of young children are not fully developed yet., still unable to express oneself accurately. If parents cannot understand their needs and behaviors, they will lose their temper because of their strong sense of grievance. Therefore, when a child loses his temper because of limited language ability and cannot express himself clearly, you might as well give the child more patience and ask more guiding questions: What\’s wrong with you? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you need now? What can I do for you? Do you want to… Slowly guide the child to express his needs clearly, and the child\’s emotions will naturally disappear. “I actually need help” One night I asked my son to do an extra math paper. Halfway through, my son suddenly crumpled up the paper angrily and threw it into the trash can. I thought my son was expressing his protest and dissatisfaction with me, so I scolded him: \”Am I hurting you by asking you to write one more paper? Your grades are not good, and you don\’t know how to work hard. What on earth do you want to do?\” ?\” My son turned his head to one side and ignored my hysteria. I became more and more angry, pulled him over, raised my hand and wanted to slap him. When my son saw this, he cried loudly: \”Mom, it\’s not that I don\’t want to write, I can\’t write.\” After saying that, the son picked up his paper from the trash can, spread it out for me to see, and said, \”Then later I can\’t figure out these big questions no matter how hard I try.\” Looking at the papers that my son wrote, erased, and wrote again, I felt guilty: It turns out that when my child loses his temper, he is not demonstrating to me, but asking me for help. . Child psychology says: \”When there is a gap between what a child wants to do and what he can do, the brain will produce stress hormones, such as cortisol, which will cause the child\’s brain to produce angry emotions.\” So. , when a child loses his temper because he cannot do something well, do not rush to blame the child. Try using \”empathy\” to communicate gently with your children: Are you a little angry with yourself because you didn\’t do a good job? I know you really want to do this well. Is there anything I can help you with? Finding the reasons for children\’s tantrums and helping them solve the problems at hand is the key to eliminating children\’s negative emotions. \”I hope my parents will pay attention to me and pay attention to me.\” Have you ever discovered that when a child has a tantrum, if we respond to him disapprovingly: \”What\’s wrong with you?\” Instead of stopping the tantrum, it becomes more likely to lose control. Just like what is described in the picture book \”Angry Arthur\”. Arthur wanted to watch TV, but his mother said \”NO\”. Arthur threatened his mother and said, \”I\’m going to be angry.\” But his mother was busy cleaning the kitchen, without caring about Arthur\’s mood, and said casually: \”Then be angry.\” As a result, Arthur\’s anger was out of control. He turned into lightning, knocking everything in the room to pieces; turned into a strong wind, tearing off roofs, blowing away billboards, street lights and cars, leaving the whole street devastated; turning into a typhoon, blowing away The entire city was swept into the sea; it even shattered the earth, causing a big explosion in the universe that destroyed everything. Arthur wanted to get his mother\’s attention by getting angry. But his mother didn’t see the pain behind his anger at all. She just looked at him from the sidelines.Saying over and over again: \”Enough, enough…\” In the end, Arthur could only sit in the ruins and be sad alone: ​​\”No one at home cares about why he is angry?\” There is a term in psychology – \” The anger of being ignored.” Every child longs for the attention and attention of his parents. Many times when they lose their temper, it is not because they are unreasonable or deliberately against their parents, but because they want to get more understanding, attention and attention. At this time, we might as well put down the work in hand, give the child a loving hug, tease the child with humorous jokes, play a pillow fight with the child, encourage the child to share his or her feelings with us… Let the child feel that we are With love and attention, children can truly calm down. \”I want to have the right to choose and be independent.\” The famous psychologist Piaget once mentioned: 5-year-old children are usually self-centered. In other words, children around the age of 5 have begun to have their own opinions and needs. If you blindly suppress their needs and deprive them of their right to autonomy, it is likely to arouse their rebellious emotions. A mother once shared on the Internet: When my child was 5 years old, I urged him: \”Hurry up and put on your clothes, otherwise you will be late.\” He would throw the clothes aside angrily and stubbornly say: \”No, I No.\” When the child was 7 years old, he had to watch TV when he came home from school. My persuasion was useless, so I just turned off the TV. The child immediately exploded on the spot: \”Why do you turn off the TV for me? It\’s break time now. What\’s wrong with me watching TV for a while?\” My children and I often break out into wars over these trivial matters. Later, I followed my friend\’s advice and changed my strategy. I no longer struggled with the power struggle, but tried to give my children some power. For example: at the dinner table, the child does not want to eat vegetables. I no longer force my children. Instead, I discussed with my child: \”You can decide how much to eat.\” Over the weekend, my child had been reading extracurricular books, and I did not forcefully ask him to do his homework immediately. Instead, let him make a choice: \”Do you want to finish reading this chapter and do your homework, or finish your homework and then continue reading.\” The result is just as a friend said: the child loses his temper because he wants more rights. Encourage children to speak their true thoughts and respect their wishes. Children will be more sensible, more self-disciplined, and easier to get along with than we think. Since then, the communication between my child and I has become smoother, my child rarely loses his temper with me, and the parent-child relationship is getting better and better. There is a saying: In life, the greatest sorrow is that you cannot help yourself. The same is true for children. Every child is an independent individual. Only by respecting their independence and giving them the right to autonomy and choice can they follow their own hearts and gain a sense of happiness and value. \”Please give me some face.\” Once a calligraphy and painting class ended, a little girl accidentally got paint on her clothes. When the girl\’s mother saw it, she picked up the girl\’s clothes and asked loudly in the corridor in front of many children and parents: \”How many times have I told you, how come you still can\’t remember, when you draw, you can Can\’t you raise your hands higher?\” A parent persuaded the girl\’s mother: \”Let\’s talk about it when we go home and save some face for the child.\” The girl\’s mother disapproved and said: \”What face do children need? Teach them in time.Talent education is effective. \”As soon as she finished speaking, the little girl threw everything in her hands on her mother and ran away crying. The writer Tong Hua once said: \”Children often care more about face than adults. Because the world is small, everything No small thing is too small. \”No matter how young a child is, they all have self-esteem. Making a fool of a child in public and offending a child\’s self-esteem is equivalent to violating the child\’s bottom line. It can easily cause children to have emotional experiences such as trouble, resentment, and anger, and resist their parents\’ education. As the old saying goes: Teach your children behind closed doors and do not take responsibility in public. No matter what mistakes your children make, don’t forget to save face for them. Cool down your emotions first and take your children away from the current environment. When you get home, patiently communicate with your children and let them feel you You are not standing against him. Only by protecting the child\’s fragile and sensitive self-esteem can the child accept the education of his parents. The writer Rebus said: \”The child loses his temper at you because he wants you to enter his heart. We should be happy when the problem is solved. It\’s just that how many children have sent signals to their parents for help time and time again, only to be met with bone-chilling violence. \”In fact, every child has an emotional glacier in his heart. Many times, the unreasonable and tantrums we see in children are just the tip of the iceberg. The real emotions of children, such as worry, tension, fear, helplessness, and desire …are all hidden under the iceberg. Ignoring the child\’s inner voice and blindly preventing the child from losing his temper will cause the child\’s emotions to be buried under the iceberg and become a disease. National Health Commission data shows that children under the age of 17 in China About 30 million people, including teenagers and teenagers, are troubled by mood disorders and behavioral problems. Psychological research also proves that people who are excessively depressed and lackluster in childhood are more likely to suffer from depression as adults. Therefore, when children lose their temper, they are actually emotional Expression. Face the child\’s emotions directly, listen to the child\’s inner voice, and accompany the child to capture, accept and solve it, which is the choice of wise parents. Education is the practice of loving and being loved. May our children be able to grow up in our love Grow in the sunshine with acceptance.