The serious consequences of yelling at children

Recently, I keep hearing the pitiful cries of children in the community. The children\’s throats are hoarse from crying. They are very pitiful. Several times I wanted to call the police, thinking, \”Whose child is being abused?\” Until one day, I finally found the source of the sound and saw a scene that I will never forget: my mother lost control of her emotions while holding a The hanger spanked the child while yelling at his daughter: \”Why is it still wrong, ah? Why is it still wrong! Why are you so stupid!\” The child knelt on the ground, with snot and tears mixed together, crying heartbreakingly: \” Mom…I was wrong, I was wrong…\” I am also a mother. I saw that my child was so pitiful, and I was about to step forward to stop him. Unexpectedly, my mother also broke down and cried, slapping myself repeatedly, and not forgetting to yell at my child… …The mother\’s roar and the child\’s crying surrounded the community, which was particularly harsh. The children are pitiful and so are the parents. There are many similar parents around me, including myself, who lose control of their emotions easily, often yell at their children, and even get violent when they get excited. Looking at it, it seems that yelling has become an indispensable method in today\’s family education. If yelling is missing, family education will be less complete. But when I saw this poor child today, I began to reflect: Is it useful for us to yell at our children? What is the child thinking when you yell at him? Can yelling cause irreversible damage to children? 01 The more you yell, the more painful your child’s body will be. A college roommate once described his experience of being yelled at late at night. I will never forget it: “A mother is like a pile of dry firewood, which will ignite at a moment’s notice. She will send out her messages regularly several times a day. Fire. I was scolded by her for a time and my ears were ringing. She spoke quickly and densely, and I felt like there was a buzzing in my head, as if I couldn\’t hear the sound in my ears, and I was so flustered that I couldn\’t breathe. Later, as I grew up, this phenomenon slowly It\’s better to be slow, but I always remember this feeling of panic, which is very difficult to describe.\” Parents\’ yelling will leave children with lifelong trauma that will be difficult to heal. Physical harm may also occur silently. The longer the silence lasts, the more depressed the heart becomes and the more introverted the child becomes. The classic German picture book \”Mother Who Yells When Angry\” describes the little penguin\’s feeling of being yelled like this: \”This morning, my mother yelled at me so loudly that the sound shook me to pieces… My belly flew into the sea. , stomach and intestines are turbulent, (body is very uncomfortable)\” In fact, our verbal violence, like physical violence, will cause direct harm to children\’s body and spirit. When a child suffers, he is likely to develop \”somatic reactions\”: such as persistent headaches, heaviness, a sense of being trapped, dizziness, memory loss, insomnia… No wonder senior international journalist Zhou Yijun has traveled all over the world , the most important sentiment gained is: parents should control their emotions in front of their children. Because once emotions burst out, no matter how many times you apologize later, it will be useless. You can see that he is silent, but actually there are many things in his heart. Recommended must-read parenting books for parents: Accompanying children through six years of primary school electronic version pdf02 The more you yell, the more insecure your children become I have read an articleAn elementary school student\’s composition describes how her mother loses her temper: \”The hair stands straight up, like shining black needles, and it feels like it will prick you at any time.\” \”The neck is stretched out like a head about to eat wild fruit. Giraffe.\” \”The eyes are the most terrifying, staring at you, like spitting out fire snakes, trying to burn you to death.\” \”Those black eyebrows stand up, like two swords, as if they are going to pierce you at any time. .\” \”The most terrifying thing is that mouth. Now it\’s like a volcano erupting. Every sentence he speaks is like a flame, which can burn people to death…\” I can\’t imagine that this is the child\’s description of his mother. You can imagine how \”ugly\” it is in the eyes of children every time parents lose their temper. Such unpleasant memories are enough to destroy the sense of security that a child relies on to grow up. Sensitivity, vulnerability, overprotection, irritability, and crying easily are all characteristics of insecure children. They have been wandering in their souls all their lives. Even if they have no worries about material food and clothing, they still feel emotionally lacking. They will want to hold on to someone tightly, but this often leads to disappointment. Such an unhealthy emotional life must be rough. There is a saying in psychology: Everyone\’s misfortune can find the answer from their family of origin. If you want to raise sunny, healthy, and excellent children, you must first look at your own family. Su Shiqian of the Ming Dynasty said in \”Su Family Anecdotes\”: \”The children of Confucius\’ family do not know how to scold, and the children of Zeng Zi\’s family do not know anger. Therefore, those who are born are good at teaching.\” In a good family environment, most parents are pleasant, or at least Emotionally stable. But in China and even in the world, very few parents can do this. 03 The more you yell, the more incompetent your child becomes. Will parents’ scolding really lower their children’s IQ? @jingjing once shared her own story in the comment area: \”I used to yell at my children. Recently, I found that my child was getting slower and slower at math problems, and would be in a daze while doing them. Later I found out that he was extremely unsure of math. The questions When the number of words increases, there will be nothing left, and he doesn\’t believe he can solve some very simple questions.\” The child became more and more incompetent the more he scolded him. Parents, the more incompetent their children are, the more they scold them. Vicious cycle. However, what is even more frightening is that children will learn and continue to learn from their parents, and extend the bullying education to their own children. In your family, yelling may have been passed down from generation to generation and has become part of the family culture. No wonder the American educator Carnegie said: \”There is no place in the world that needs praise more than the family, and there is no place where praise is more likely to be ignored than the family. When you and I learn the principle of praising others, we must first apply it to the family. .\” Stable emotions and communication will be the most precious first lesson we teach our children to gain a foothold in society. 04 The more you yell, the lower your child\’s self-esteem. Fan Deng wrote in the book \”Along with Children\’s Lifelong Growth\”: If parents are used to being harsh and harsh on their children, it will be easy for the children to take all challenges, pressures, criticisms, and even a Every bit of bargaining is regarded as a moral issue, misunderstanding what others say and do, and misunderstanding that the other party\’s motives are to look down on themselves and disrespect themselves. The more you yell, the more your child will be unable to see himself in a correct way, which will make him feel bad or worthless and the worst in the world.A strong person. @生chujian once shared his own story in our comment area: \”Actually, my daughter is quite good. I always want her to be the best in whatever she does. I yell at my child whenever he makes a mistake. I can\’t change this problem. , causing the child to have a problem now. As long as I yell, my sixth-grade child will not say a word. The more I yell, the more silent she becomes…\” Excellent children are the most likely to suffer from \”mental exhaustion\” after being repeatedly beaten by their parents. They will continue to attack themselves: \”Others got up at 5 o\’clock, but I didn\’t get up until 10 o\’clock today. Just like what my mother said, I am really hopeless.\” \”Others listen to classes and study every day, but I am actually playing with my mobile phone, my mother said You\’re right, I really can\’t do anything well.\” Self-blame, guilt, criticism, and all kinds of emotions make me feel that I can\’t compare to others. As a result, in this mood, not only did I not learn anything, but I became even more anxious. Therefore, life is like an inextricable knot, constantly circulating in deprivation and anxiety, and the children are naturally reluctant to speak…05 The more you yell, the more rebellious the children become. Parents often yell and scold their children, which undoubtedly lays the foundation for the future. An evil seed. Psychologist Myrna Schur believes that if parents\’ discipline methods are scolding and commanding, children will easily become psychologically and verbally aggressive, and it will be difficult for children to learn positive social skills. A kindergarten teacher once shared this discovery: \”If a child likes to hit other children in the kindergarten, his parents must have spanked him before. The way the child talks bossily to other children is very much like his parents. Even the tone, expression, and movements are exactly the same.\” It is in accordance with the saying \”you will reap melons if you sow melons, and you will reap beans if you sow beans.\” If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn; if he lives with hostility, he learns to fight; if he lives with sarcasm, he learns to be shy; if he lives with violence, hell , he will become a devil! If parents yell at their children, the children will also yell at their parents and the people around them in the future. The older they grow, the more rebellious they become. Let’s think about it, can yelling at children really solve the problem? the answer is negative. Our yelling is full of resentment, complaints, and dissatisfaction, but there is no solution to the problem. Here are some ways to control your emotions and yell less. 1) Criticize children in a low tone, and children will be more likely to be accepted. American linguist Alberta Meribian proposed a famous communication formula: the total effect of communication = 7% language + 38% tone + 55% facial expression. It is enough to see the importance of tone in communication. We often see this situation: parents scold their children loudly, and the children yell back, refusing to admit defeat. If we don\’t raise our voices if we are right, why should we? We might as well try to criticize children in a low tone. Studies have proven that children are more likely to accept criticism in a low tone. First, if you communicate in a low voice, the child\’s rebellious psychology will be weakened, which is more conducive to communication; second, if you communicate in a low voice, the child\’s attention will be more concentrated, and you can pre-emptively prevent the child from using a high voice; third, if you speak in a low voice, you will not Easily angry, more rational in mood, to prevent the exit from injuring people. 2) When emotions arise, immediately pause and leave the child. Whenever we want to lose our temper, we can say to the child: \”I am very angry now and cannot talk to you. After I calm down, we will have a good talk.\” \”Then we can go to our room, or the balcony, or we can go out for a walk. In short, we must give ourselves a \”pause\” time and keep a certain distance from our children. After our emotions calm down a little, we can communicate with our children. Lorna Reina summed up a parent-child communication formula: \”My feeling is X because you did Y, so please do Z.\” For example, \”I was just angry because you didn\’t do your math homework as planned, but We are playing games, so please follow the plan and finish your homework first before doing anything else.\” In this way, children know: 1) why we are angry; 2) what we did wrong; 3) and what we should do in the future. This is also a problem-solving attitude and an effective way of communication. 3) Use a timer instead of yelling. Some researchers have found that we often yell at our children during the \”transition period\”, which is when \”children have to switch from one interesting activity to the next uninteresting activity\”, such as From \”playing with mobile phones\” to \”writing homework\”. During transition periods, we are most likely to lose control of our emotions. So we can try to use \”timer\” as a signal to stop and start an activity. For example, setting an alarm clock for going to bed at 9:30 pm, or setting a timer for playing games for 15 minutes will help children get used to the existence of \”timers\” and have a greater sense of boundaries. With a \”timer\”, you have an extra helper to supervise your children. Maybe the child will consciously transition to the next stage without us playing. 4) Parents also need a \”Family Question Book\”. Finally, being a parent also requires continuous learning. It\’s like a child needs a wrong answer book. Parents also need a family error book. We can use this to track and summarize what happened and sum up experiences. Every time we lose control of our emotions and yell at our children, we can try to fill in this form: once it happens, it will become familiar again. Slowly, we will become very familiar with our habits and reaction patterns, and then make changes. By being able to take an honest look at ourselves, we also gain better control over our emotions. At the end of the writing, Fan Deng once said: \”The reason why children can reconcile with you after being yelled at is not because your education methods are more effective, but because children love us far more than we love children. Children\’s attachment to their parents is absolutely natural Something.\” As parents, we cannot rely on our status as parents to make the same mistakes over and over again. Recommended books on scientific parenting. I really hope my parents have read this book. Download the electronic version. We also need to learn and keep pace with the times. As the great Russian writer Tolstoy said: \”The essence of educating children lies in educating yourself. Self-education is the most powerful way for parents to influence their children. \”What we are like is what our children will be like.\” When you can’t help yelling at your children on the parenting journey, you might as well think about these words from temperament expert Mary Siddi Korsinka: “Getting along with children is like dancing—two steps forward, one step back, pause. , and start again. The more familiar you are with the dance steps,The easier you dance. \”Knowing how to retreat and pause is the art of family education. I would like to encourage all parents.