How to calm your child when he or she is upset

Let me first respond to the questions from two parents. These two questions are not completely consistent with the topic of this article. I put them here in the hope that examples can be used to help parents learn how to deal with them. Question01My son is in third grade. He was very impetuous when studying. He would get angry after playing the piano for two or three times and would hit the piano keys to vent his anger. When I couldn\’t recite the text for a while, I would scream and act anxiously. I really don\’t understand him, why is he so anxious? Thinking back to when we were young, this was not the case. Reply: It sounds like children tend to be anxious about doing things and have a relatively low tolerance threshold for mistakes and failures. Even with the same setback, some children don\’t take it to heart at all, but they will feel anxious, intolerable, and emotional. This reason may have something to do with innate personality. For example, some people are impatient and want to do everything quickly. Perhaps it is also related to the environment and upbringing of infants and young children. For example, if the primary caregiver in early childhood is too strict and serious, imposes too many restrictions, and often reprimands and criticizes, then as he grows up, his brain will often be in a state of tension and pressure, and his emotional management ability will not be improved. Very good development. Suggestion: 01Use the things your child likes to do to exercise his resilience. Only when we have a strong inner motivation to do something we like, can we actively practice it over and over again, even if we abuse it a thousand times without getting tired of it. By doing what he likes, he can gradually train his brain nerves and form a new circuit – when encountering difficulties, he does not collapse and give up immediately, but persists patiently, tries again, and finally succeeds. My daughter likes to do handicrafts. From childhood to now, I don\’t interfere when she does handicrafts. I was standing aside and often heard her talking to herself: Oops! Oops! Ruined! Bad! I usually don\’t care at this point. Usually after a while, I find that she has regrouped, or changed her method, and finally gets it done. This process is very valuable for children. Doing activities that you like can give your children the opportunity to survive setbacks. After many times, they will understand that failure is the only way to success. It is the norm, not a rare thing. If you do it in one go, that\’s just luck; if you learn it in one go, it probably means the task is simple and the improvement is small. If children rarely have the opportunity to do something they particularly like when they are young, then they will probably rarely have this experience. Learning the piano is a big challenge for children who don’t particularly like playing the piano. Only if you really like music and playing the piano can you practice a piece of music over and over again. 02 Help him reduce difficulty, reduce pressure, and lower expectations. Everyone will encounter difficulties when doing things. If you want to learn to overcome difficulties, the best way is to help him accumulate more successful experiences in overcoming difficulties through hard work! Every time he does it, he strengthens his belief that \”I can do it\” and improves his self-efficacy. Let your child do other things, such as housework, which will help him improve his self-efficacy. He needs to witness his ability in actual work and develop confidence in his ability. Parents should not have too high standards for their children. You must know that changes will happen little by little. 03 If a child\’s self-esteem is relatively low, he will be easily agitated if he is frustrated, because this little setback will suffice.Let him immediately jump to the familiar conclusion of \”I can\’t do it, I can\’t do it well, I\’m stupid.\” Therefore, communicate more positively with your children. When you want to criticize, correct or help, think twice! Because most of them are unnecessary! Parents should wait until their children do well, then stand up, appreciate and affirm them, ask them how they did it, and sum up their own experiences. In this way, the child gradually feels that I am a very good child. 04 There is a fun atmosphere, allowing children to have a relaxed state of mind. Parents should not be too serious in their daily interactions with their children, and have more fun and jokes. This will help the children feel relaxed. The pleasant, playful, and playful atmosphere at home will allow him to have flexible standards for things and himself, and help him learn to see things from multiple angles without being particularly rigid. For example, when memorizing text, if you find that your child cannot remember it, parents can memorize it with him in some fun ways, make funny movements to coordinate with it, or sing the text to a certain song. When our brains are in a relaxed and playful state, our memory efficiency will also be higher. The positive emotions we experience every day refuel the tank of joy in our hearts. This oil tank is relatively full. When we encounter setbacks, we have excess energy to draw on, so that we will not be overdrawn all of a sudden. The situation this parent described is common. Preschool children often do this when doing crafts, learning to ride a bicycle, playing with toys, etc. This is a drama that plays out in every family during early childhood. In the early years of their children\’s early childhood, parents respond appropriately to various small things in life, helping them develop emotional management skills, accumulate a higher sense of self-efficacy, and exercise perseverance and resilience. Then, the children will be better in their future studies. Will benefit deeply! Question2 My family has a boy who is in the first grade. As a mother, I feel that he is slow and sensitive and easily irritable. For example, he will refuse to say hello to others, and will cover his ears and run away when there are more than two people talking to him. There are not many opportunities to play with other children. Timid, unwilling or unsure of what they know. If my athletic ability is not good enough, I would not dare to do things like climbing. Reply: Hello! First of all, I don’t know more about the situation, such as how the child usually interacts with family members and peers; how the child usually behaves in other aspects, whether there are repeated stereotyped behaviors; how the child develops in sports, etc. Judging from the description here, children are particularly sensitive to other people\’s attention. Regardless of good or bad, too much attention seems to make him feel a lot of pressure. Exactly why this is the case, I can\’t tell. Maybe some children have difficulty understanding other people\’s words, attitudes, expressions, etc. in interpersonal communication. For normal communication, he needs to consume too much energy to process this information, which is difficult for him to bear. Or, he is too sensitive to the noise of the outside world, as if the sound of these words is magnified many times in his head. Maybe some outsiders\’ comments brought him strong negative feelings when he was growing up, so he will regard other people\’s comments as threats in the future… Suggestion: 01 If possible, parents encourage him to express his feelings. For example, by reading story books, or by telling other people\’s examples, let him talk about it as two or threeWhen people talk at the same time, how does he really feel when a stranger greets him. Try communicating when your child is calm and in a good mood. Don\’t ask it as a question, try to talk about it in a natural chat. 02 Parents should understand him. This is where he needs help. It’s not because he doesn’t work hard to do well. Everyone is different, we cannot experience his feelings, don\’t ask for judgment by our standards. 03 Try to create a quiet environment and reduce his load in this area. However, it is not necessary to create an absolutely \”perfect\” environment for him, because that will not be conducive to his gradually exercising and developing his abilities in this area. 04 Clearly state specific behavioral standards. Explain to your children that we understand how you feel, but in life, we must gradually learn to behave in a way that is acceptable to others. You may feel annoyed when you hear someone talking to you. So, what are the reasonable responses, and which responses are impolite and will hurt the other party. Let him practice this response. He is now in first grade and can gradually do it with practice. 05 If the child just feels that other people’s comments are criticizing him, even if it is praise or encouragement, it will sound like a disguised offense to him. Then, you need to explain to him what the other person’s words mean and what the motivation is. He translated it accurately and taught him to change his understanding and interpret it truthfully instead of continuing to understand it from the perspective he had in the past. Then you analyze why he is always so understanding. Is it because he has low self-esteem? Or was there something in the past that made him form this idea. 06The most important thing is: various frontal constructions! For example, take your children more into contact with nature. In addition, parents can observe what hobbies he has and develop them. Doing something you like and are good at can often help children with weak interpersonal communication to improve their abilities in this area from another angle. At the same time, it can also improve his self-esteem and enhance his self-confidence. Take your children to exercise more! Exercise changes the state of the brain and body, as well as changing mood. More exercise will help him gradually become cheerful, optimistic and easy-going. Encourage children to interact freely. Help him accumulate more pleasant interactions and let him have fun with his friends, so that he will cherish the friendship of his friends. Then, he will gradually care about how his words and deeds make the other person feel, and have the motivation to change. Let dads play with their kids more often! Dad can give him special strength from a male perspective, which mom cannot replace. Play less with electronic products! [Children\’s Bedtime Stories] Collector\’s Edition of 300 Classic Philosophical Stories 07 Summary of these two issues: Children\’s various performances are responses to the overall situation. Therefore, when parents face any problem, they should not look at it in isolation. What most parents do is to talk to their children, agree on rules, or even beat and scold them just for this performance. But this often doesn’t solve the real problem. I often advise parents to put aside their problems and do positive things. For example, if the parent above can seriously strengthen the things in my last item one by one, then after a while, you will find changes in your child. Because, as his abilities in various aspects improve, his understanding of external evaluation is changing, and his understanding of himselfThe evaluation of people is changing, and the perspective of looking at the outside world is also different. This is what really helps him! Why are so many children nowadays so irritable all the time? In our impression, children and teenagers are innocent and happy, but now many parents say that their children are always annoyed, have no interest in anything, lose their temper at every turn, and get angry at the smallest things. It is normal for 3 or 4 year old children to cry a lot. But why are children between the ages of five and ten often unhappy? Possibly relevant factors are listed below for your reference: parents are depressed, emotionally irritable, are under various pressures such as time pressure, financial pressure, work pressure, etc., are in a state of exhaustion and depression for a long time, are unable to enjoy the fun of raising children, and feel that children are a burden. It is the fuse that ignites one\’s own emotions, always losing temper and yelling at children; there are problems with family relationships, family disharmony, and a tense atmosphere at home; parents are too strict and restrictive to their children, and receive a lot of criticism and nagging every day. Children lack autonomy and freedom in their lives; parents believe that education is equivalent to criticism and restraint, and ignore that there are many other ways to educate. Therefore, they often deliberately compete with their children for the purpose of \”education\” and set many inappropriate settings for their children\’s lives. Necessary obstacles; parents are too weak, such as the father is absent, the mother and the elderly are obedient to the children, and everything is satisfied without any requirements. Boys in this situation often feel irritable and angry. Everything is satisfied and there are no requirements, which is a disguised form of neglect; over-protection of children from an early age and everything is taken care of, resulting in weak abilities; being too child-centered, children do not understand the emotions and needs of others, and do not understand the needs of others in the outside world. Interactions hit a wall at every turn; always paying attention to the child without giving him any personal space, this attention becomes a kind of pressure; parents are boring and serious, the family lacks an atmosphere of fun and games, and the activities in the child\’s life are single, two points and one line, no As for interesting things (snacks, TVs, and electronic products are the only life-saving straws), the fuel tank for children\’s fun is seriously depleted; the living environment is messy – there are many and mixed people, and they are not fixed. There are too many items in the house and it is untidy. The noise at home is loud; the children lack outdoor activities, have little contact with nature, have no free interactions, and have few or low-quality books; the children are often in a sub-healthy state, weak in constitution, and have physical conditions that cause irritability; they eat too many snacks and fast food, and their daily routine is irregular. Regularity; lack of sleep and irregular sleep time; exposure to a large number of electronic products since childhood, and basically spending free time with mobile phones, tablets and TVs. The brain is used to passive entertainment and instant gratification when playing games. Everything else that requires effort and patience is difficult to endure; lack of physical activity, no housework, uncoordinated physical development of the child, lack of awareness and control of one\’s own body, and little satisfaction in expanding one\’s physical potential… …too much stress. For example, the school atmosphere is as energetic as that of Hengshui Middle School. Teachers frequently get angry and reprimand students in class every day, constantly exerting pressure, which makes children feel very depressed. Too much homework and no time for relaxation and autonomy. There are problems getting along with classmates, relationships are tense, there is bullying in the class, and there is no fair and equal environment. …There are two or three of them,It may make a child become irritable and irritable. When you cannot find the specific reasons for your child\’s performance, please reflect on and improve them one by one. Of course, the state of a child depends on both genes and environment. In any case, we must start from the current situation and try our best to change what we can. I think the two parents who wrote earlier are very responsible parents. I can feel that they have worked hard for this for a long time and often feel exhausted and weak. But, even so, please believe that these are mostly just growing pains. Every child comes into this world with a unique code. His traits sometimes appear as problems, but on the other hand, they may be some kind of special talent. This remains to be discovered. Parents have confidence in their children’s future, stay positive and optimistic, and believe that your children can grow up well and become healthy, mature, and potential young people. This may be the best thing we can do among various factors. Sure. This may also be the factor that can turn the situation around the most! You are the one who can help him the most!