6 things you should never say to your children no matter how angry you are

During this period, I was living in dire straits every day. Because my 15-year-old son, who is sensible and obedient, not only suddenly started smoking, playing games, and watching videos in front of me, he also refused to go to school at home. The cause of the incident was simply that during the Chinese New Year, a relative praised him for studying well and being very self-disciplined, even reading during the Chinese New Year. Out of politeness, I responded: \”No, he is a stupid bird. If a stupid bird doesn\’t work hard, he will be at the bottom…\” Before I could finish my words, my son threw down the book with a bang. , walked straight into the room and slammed the door. I couldn\’t keep it off my face, so I scolded him: \”I don\’t know where the book is, and I have no manners at all. I think you should stop studying.\” After that day, my son specifically confronted me, asking him to do anything to provoke me. When he gets angry, he does whatever he wants. Devastated and helpless, I read a lot of books and educational videos, trying to figure out what the problem was. The three types of conversations studied by an expert gave me a great impact and inspiration: if parents don\’t talk well, children will \”retaliate\” against their parents. They do whatever makes their parents the most angry and heartbroken. And for a child to take the road of \”revenge\”, he must have been hurt countless times and his heart will be scarred. Now that I think about it carefully, those words I said unintentionally before were really hurtful to my son. He could be reasonable, but what he said was a threat: \”If you make trouble again, I won\’t let you go!\” That year, my son was 3 years old, a naughty age. I take care of him at home alone, not only busy with work, but also busy with housework. But he kept making noises, playing with water and getting his clothes wet; and tearing paper towels and leaving garbage all over the floor. I wanted him to be quiet for a while, then yelled and scolded him, but he seemed to be more excited. He turned around and rushed into the kitchen, poured out a small bag of flour, and wiped it all over his face, clothes, and floor. yes. At that moment, I became furious, tried hard to suppress my anger, and wanted to have a good talk with my child, but what I blurted out was: \”If you keep making trouble, I won\’t want you anymore, I will just throw you out!\” My son was so frightened that he finally behaved. Stay where you are, not daring to make any more noise. Later, after my anger had subsided, my son took the initiative to apologize, climbed on top of me as if to please me, and kissed me on the face. From then on, I seemed to have mastered a parenting secret. Whenever my son made trouble and was disobedient, I would threaten him: If he makes trouble again, I won\’t want you anymore. Now that I think about it, although this sentence is useful, it is also very lethal. Using love as a threat destroys a child\’s lifelong sense of security. Even though I could make a gentle statement, I always asked, \”Why did I bully you?\” That year, my son was 5 years old and in kindergarten. For a period of time, he always made noises and refused to go to school. After asking, I found out that there was a child in the class who always bullied him. Sometimes they pull his hat, sometimes they pull his hair, sometimes they doodle on his homework book. When my son gets angry, the two of them will even fight. For this reason, I communicated with the teacher and contacted the parent, and the child finally stopped messing with him. But not long after, my son complained to me again, saying that another child pushed him. I could understand patiently and speak gently, but I asked impatiently: \”Why do you bully you instead of bullying others? \”Can you please stop causing trouble for me?\” \”Don\’t you think of a solution yourself?\” \”After that day, my son never complained to me again, but he rarely talked to me about school. Now I know that although the parents\’ rhetorical question was a response to the child to a certain extent, it also expressed What the child receives is only the feeling of being despised and denied. Because every rhetorical question from the parents is actually a mockery, and the subtext is: \”You are terrible.\” \”You can be sure, but you are always comparing: \”Others are much better than you.\” That year, my son was 8 years old and in the third grade of elementary school. One day, he rushed to my room as soon as school was over, took out his paper and excitedly said I said: \”Mom, I got full marks in the exam, that\’s awesome. \”I am very happy. I have seen my son\’s hard work during this period. Every day when he comes back, he consciously writes homework, reads, reviews, and finally watches TV for a while. But I am afraid that my child will be proud, so I change my words as soon as I speak. Liao Wei: \”Don\’t be complacent. You\’ll be satisfied with a perfect score once. Your sister Xiaoling gets first place every time and gets perfect scores in every category. You have to learn from her.\” \”At that moment, the light on my son\’s face dimmed. On weekdays, I always say things like \”Look how good XX is, look how sensible XX is\” and other similar words. My intention is just to let him My son learned from them. I didn’t understand at that time that a child would not understand the good intentions of his parents. What he received was only the literal meaning of the language, and what he heard was only comparison and negation. Children who do not get the approval of their parents , self-confidence will only be destroyed bit by bit, letting inferiority become the background of life. It can be encouraged, but it is always denied: \”You can\’t do anything!\” \”That year, my son was 10 years old and in the fifth grade of elementary school. My son failed in the exam again. When the head teacher posted the results of the midterm exam in the group, I was so angry that I almost smashed my phone. When my son took the When I was hesitant about the test paper and couldn\’t speak, I didn\’t give him a good look. When I opened my mouth, I said sarcastically: \”You are really a talent to get such a score in the exam. \”Next time you pass the test like this, you don\’t have to go to school, just sweep the road!\” \”I want to stimulate my son, so that he will realize his shame and then be brave and work hard. Using motivating methods can indeed make the child full of fighting spirit for a period of time, because the child wants to prove that he can do it. But children who lack encouragement always lack motivation. In the end, he will be defeated by his parents\’ denial again and again, because he will never meet their parents\’ expectations. If he wants to prove himself but cannot prove it, the child is likely to give up on himself. Although he can be trusted, he always uses a skeptical tone: \”You still insist on admitting it? \”That year, my son was 12 years old and in the first grade of junior high school. This year, I was invited to school for the first time by the teacher. In the office, my son held his head high, frowned, and loudly refuted the teacher: \”I didn\’t! \”It turns out that my son passed notes to the female classmate next to him during class, not once or twice, and the teacher suspected that they were in love. I remembered that I always saw my son smiling at his mobile phone recently, and he didn\’t say anything when I asked him about his room. The drawers were also locked. Therefore, I did not hesitate to side with the teacher and angrily yelled at my son: \”You still insist on refusing to admit it.Can the teacher still wrongly accuse you? Teachers are all for your own good. \”My son looked at me in disbelief, his eyes full of heartbreak and disappointment. For a moment, I felt that I might have wronged my son. Later, it turned out that the note that my son passed to his female classmate was indeed not puppy love, but just tired of studying. I want to chat. Although my son’s grievances have been cleared, I have completely lost his trust. Indeed, the person I trust most has no trust in me at all. Such suspicion hurts the child the most. It\’s a sharp weapon. It\’s obviously concern, but it\’s expressed in reproach: \”Have your eyes grown on your forehead? \”This year, my son was 14 years old and in the third grade of junior high school. At that time, my son started boarding and could only come back on weekends. Many times, if I didn\’t ask him, he wouldn\’t tell me anything. Once, he fell in the dormitory He had a serious fall, but he didn’t tell anyone. It wasn’t until he couldn’t stand the pain at night and the teacher sent him to the hospital that he notified me. Seeing my son’s arm swollen like a steamed bun, I felt distressed and sad. Why? Why don\’t you say anything? But the son asked: \”What\’s the use of telling you? You scold me every time, making me feel even more uncomfortable! \”At that time, I thought he was unreasonable. Now I understand that I have always expressed my concerns in a reproachful way. When my son fell down, I said, \”Do you have eyes on your forehead? \”My son caught a cold, and I said, \”Are you feeling uncomfortable now? I told you not to wear any clothes. \”My son came home late, and I said, \”You still know how to come back?\” \”Although there is no ferocious appearance, it is not much better when you think about it. A soft knife is also a knife, and it hurts when it scratches the child. Reproachful concern, the moment it is spoken, only the heart-piercing blame is left. Luxemburg wrote at the end in \” The book \”Nonviolent Communication\” says: \”The language most of us use tends to judge, compare, command, ridicule, and accuse rather than encourage us to listen to each other\’s feelings and needs. \”Indeed, many parents use verbal violence day after day to wear away their fighting spirit, their self-esteem, and their hopes little by little. Too many conflicts and parent-child problems in the family originate from their parents. \”Can\’t speak well.\” If I could raise my children again, I would not make these mistakes again, but do as the following poem says: If I could raise my children again, I would I will point less with my fingers. I will correct less mistakes and communicate more with my children. I will stare less at the watch and observe more with my eyes. I will not care about the results themselves, but care about how much care I give. I will take my children more Go out to play and fly more kites. I will put away my serious face and play with them seriously. I will take them to run through more fields and look at the stars more times. I will hug more and interfere less. .I will be less forceful and more affirmative. I will prioritize building self-esteem before thinking about where to live. I will instill less of a love of power and more of an emphasis on the power of love. No matter how old my children are now, from today First of all, I want to cherish all this. I hope parents can talk well and give their children a healthy and warm environment to grow up.