5 common but harmful behaviors for children that every parent should pay attention to

Some time ago, I saw a piece of news on the Internet: In order to listen to the students\’ voices, a teacher placed a \”worry box\” in the class. Children can write down their worries and put them anonymously into the box. I originally thought that the world of children is simple and beautiful, and the biggest worries are \”too much homework\”, \”too few snacks\” or \”why can\’t I play games for a while\”. However, when the teacher took out the small pieces of paper one after another and saw the contents on them, he fell silent. \”Why did my parents get divorced after I was born?\” \”My parents looked at their mobile phones every day and never really stayed with me. It would be great if my parents could really stay with me.\” \”Why didn\’t my mother? Do you care about me? Just care about my brother. I want my mother to care more about me.\” Behind every little note, there is a wounded and bleeding heart. It reminds me of what the writer Tong Hua said: \”Just because a child\’s world is small, all the little things are not small.\” Many times, some seemingly small things are enough to change a child\’s entire life. In particular, the following five common behaviors that harm children deserve the attention of every parent. Quarrel is the scariest horror movie in the eyes of children. American psychologist Roland Miller cited a piece of data in the book \”Intimacy\” to illustrate the impact of the quality of parents\’ relationship on children: In families where parents are harmonious, children The subjective well-being of children is the highest; and in families where parents often conflict, even if there is no divorce, the subjective well-being of the children will drop to a negative number. The Thai cartoon \”Fighting Parents\” uses just three minutes to restore the true feelings of children when their parents quarrel: at the beginning of the film, the mother is upstairs gently telling the girl a bedtime story. Then, the sound of dad coming home came from downstairs, and mom went down to check. After a while, the girl heard the sound of her parents arguing. When she walked down the stairs, she happened to see her parents arguing fiercely and violently pushing them. The girl was frightened, covering her face and huddled in the corner, shaking. Through her fingers, she saw: her humorous father turned into a terrifying monster, and her originally gentle mother turned into a disheveled ghost. In this war without gunpowder, parents only focused on talking and arguing about right and wrong, but they forgot that there was a trembling child in the corner, watching all this. The experience of Zhihu netizen @小西 is also thought-provoking: She said that since she can remember, her parents, who are stubborn, have often quarreled. Every dispute frightened her so much that now as an adult she suffers from severe phobia of marriage. She is afraid that her marriage will be as messy as her parents\’, with only accusations, abuse and yelling. In fact, when parents quarrel, it hurts more than just the relationship between husband and wife. It will also affect the child\’s personality, interpersonal relationships, especially the understanding of intimate relationships in the future. For children, the happiest thing in childhood is not how big a house they live in or how luxurious toys they have, but living in a harmonious and loving family. Learning to control our emotions and be more understanding and tolerant of our significant other is a required course in our lives, and it is also the nectar that nourishes our children\’s souls. Low-quality companionship is destroying children\’s future in the variety show \”Youth Talk\”, aboveFifth-grade boy Ye Zijian expressed his true feelings in public: \”When I was a child, I always thought that mobile phones were the children of my parents. Because every time I looked up at them, they were staring at their mobile phones intently. I really don’t know what good-looking things are on my phone, but they are more important than me. In order to keep me quiet, they even let me play with my phone.” At the end of the sentence, Zijian begged with tears in his eyes. He said: \”Mom and dad, would you please put down your cell phones and stay with me?\” This passage tells a lot about the daily life of parents and their children. Sometimes, the farthest distance in the world is not between life and death. But the child is standing in front of his parents, but the parents only have mobile phones in their eyes. Psychological counselor Wu Zhihong once mentioned such a case in his book: He met a visitor who was an executive of a company. He had a successful career, but he was always troubled by a problem: This executive every time I feel very nervous when speaking in public. Because he always felt that others were not interested in what he said at all. Under the guidance of Wu Zhihong, the executive began to recall his childhood, and finally found the crux of the problem: It turned out that when the executive chatted with his mother when he was a child, her mother was always busy with her own affairs, leaving him only a profile, and never Take a good look at him. This often made him wonder if what he was talking about was boring. Or maybe his mother doesn\’t care about him at all. Psychological research shows that a person\’s sense of security, mental health, and personality stability almost all come from the quality of parental companionship during childhood. It is the companionship in the early stages of life that determines whether the child\’s future world will be sunny or cloudy. As Harvard professor Gilbert said: \”Ten years later, you will not regret doing one less project, but you will regret not spending an extra hour with your children.\” Dedicated companionship and timely response win the day. Millions of parenting lessons. Nagging little by little turns children into mute painter Chen Danqing said: \”Many parents have a kind of \’parental desire\’, that is, they treat their children too much as children.\” I remember that in \”Super Parenting\”, there is a \”parental desire\” \”The overwhelming mother left a deep impression on me: The boy Ji Rui\’s mother thought she was a very caring parent, but her son was obsessed with computer games and sat in front of the screen all day long without eating or drinking. Drink and don\’t go to school. There was no other way, so my mother could only ask the program team for help. However, after a period of observation, parenting experts discovered that the reason for Ji Rui\’s self-isolation was precisely because of her mother\’s daily \”verbal bombing\”. Whenever Ji Rui dissatisfied his mother, her mother would nag him endlessly: \”Do you know you haven\’t been out for a few days?\” \”If you don\’t let me in the room, I won\’t be able to see whether you eat or not, right?\” ?\” \”What if you get gastritis if you don\’t eat?\”… Facing her nagging mother, Ji Rui could only say nothing, looking for a moment of tranquility in the world of games. Educator Rousseau wrote in \”Emile\”: \”The three most useless ways of education in the world are to reason, to lose your temper, and to deliberately move.\” Parents\’ endless nagging will only build up in their children\’s hearts. Build high walls. Isolating the voices of parents also closes channels for expression. There was a parent in the backgroundLeave a message and say: \”I don\’t want to nag, but I\’m worried that the child won\’t be obedient if I only say it once.\” However, a study shows that the frequency of language repetition and the effect of persuasion often follow an \”inverted U curve.\” In other words, the more times we repeat it, the less likely the child will listen. Sometimes, instead of nagging and preaching, listening to children and giving them enough trust may bring out the good side of children. Labeling makes children live a life that is disliked by their parents. Labeling is the most common way for parents who hate iron and steel to vent their anger: \”I never know how to use my brain when doing things, I am so stupid!\” \”Why did I give birth to you like this?\” A waste?\” \”You, you, three sticks can\’t beat a fart, what can you do when you grow up…\” Many parents hope that through this method, their children will know their shame and then be brave. Little do they know that long-term negative hints will only make children run towards being disliked by their parents, and they will really become more and more clumsy, incompetent and reticent… I remember reading a true story: The American Olympics There was a pastor in Legon State. His son was very rebellious. He ran away from home at a young age and cut off contact with his parents. The pastor was troubled by this. He found a psychological counselor and confided his pain to the other person. Unexpectedly, the pastor asked him: \”How long have you been cursing your son?\” The pastor was surprised and didn\’t understand what the counselor meant. The counselor explained: \”The meaning of curse is that what you say and what you think in your heart are the fault of another person. And what you just said are all the bad things about your son. How long have you been cursing your son like this? What?\” After hearing these words, the pastor suddenly realized. Then, over the next few months, the pastor followed the counselor\’s advice and tried to remember the good things about his son and say only good things about him whenever he talked about him. Gradually, the pastor actually repaired his relationship with his son. Just as one word can destroy a child, one word can also make a child successful. When parents continue to repeat positive language, tolerate the not-so-good side of their children, and tell their children over and over again: \”You can do it.\” In acceptance, learn to believe in yourself, overcome difficulties, and become more positive and full of energy. Partiality makes children live in fear of not being loved. Some time ago, my best friend who gave birth to her second child complained to me: My sister always beats her brother, and even viciously said horrible things like \”I want to strangle my brother to death.\” She didn\’t take it seriously at all. The look of a sister. This is completely contrary to the picture of \”deep brotherhood\” in a second-child family that my best friend expected. At first, I didn\’t understand why. It wasn\’t until one time when I visited my best friend\’s house that I gradually discovered the clues: It turned out that when my best friend was playing with the two children, her eyes were always focused on the younger brother, and she repeatedly reminded her: \”Be careful, don\’t hit your younger brother!\” \”My brother is so much younger than you, please let him go.\” \”Hurry up and say \’I\’m sorry\’ to my brother. Do you look like a sister?\” Sure enough, after a while, the boss threw the toy and said: \”I hate my younger brother the most! I also hate my mother the most!\” Seeing the eldest son crying in grievance,My best friend shook her head helplessly at me and said, \”You see, the older the child is, the less sensible he becomes.\” The problem between my best friend and my eldest daughter is actually the epitome of countless second-child families: After the parents gave birth to their second child, they were too busy , always subconsciously favoring the younger ones and ignoring the older ones, blindly demanding that the boss be well-behaved and sensible. But they forget that the eldest child is just a child. All they can do is to attract the attention of their parents by deliberately being naughty and \”bullying\” their younger siblings. Therefore, in a two-child family, the attitude of parents is particularly critical. For example, the father in the movie \”The Life of the Disliked Matsuko\” is a typical negative case: because his sister is frail and sick, all his father\’s attention is on his sister. Only when Songzi makes exaggerated faces to please his father, his father will smile to himself. Because she has always lived in her father\’s peripheral vision, Songzi has always lived in the fear of not being loved when she grew up. She repeated this pattern of unconditionally pleasing others, but was always let down. Partiality is the weapon that hurts children the most. In a two-child family, the best thing for parents to do is never to criticize the eldest child and protect the second child. Instead, give the eldest child enough patience and understanding, so that the eldest child can voluntarily protect the second child with his parents in the sense of security of being loved. There is a saying that goes well: \”Every moment you see your children, you also see yourself. When you educate your children, you are also educating yourself and testing your own personality.\” Raising children is a practice, and what you raise is Children, it is ourselves who are cultivating. Not all problems in children come from their parents. But every question that comes to our children must be a question that we must answer during our practice. What we have to do is to see the causes behind the children\’s problems, be aware of and examine our own behavior, so that the little worries and troubles in the children\’s hearts will not become nightmares and haze that will hinder them throughout their lives. After all, a child\’s world is really small, too small to contain so much grievance and pain. Light up \”Like\”, may we all become the sky for our children and let them know that we are always there.