My child always says it’s okay, what should I do?

A few days ago, my best friend complained to me: I don’t know what’s going on in today’s children’s heads. When I was a child, I was always surrounded by people chattering and making demands. The older I get, the harder it is to communicate. I actively seek her opinions and always look indifferent. When I ask an urgent question, I will just say to you: \”Forget it, I won\’t say it anymore, you won\’t agree anyway.\” Do you really want to piss people off? I guess many parents have similar confusion: \”What do you want to eat at night?\” ?\” \”Anything is fine.\” \”Do you want to go to the Natural History Museum on the weekend?\” \”Whatever.\” \”What do you want for a birthday gift?\” \”Anything is fine.\” Why is it so difficult to communicate with children? When I ask him questions, the answers I get are – whatever, it\’s okay, it doesn\’t matter, I don\’t know… When a child says \”whatever, it\’s okay\”, does he really not care at all and has no idea? Or was he forced to make a silent compromise? When a child says \”I won\’t go, I don\’t want it\”, is he refusing because he doesn\’t like it? Are you still afraid of something? When a child says, \”No matter what I do, it\’s all wrong,\” does he really want to go against his parents? Or use seemingly \”rebellious\” language to protect yourself? In fact, those seemingly ordinary and casual words hide a lot of important information and children\’s emotions that have not been seen for a long time. It also conveys the same message – there is something wrong with your relationship with your child. Children who like to say \”whatever\” don\’t really care, not because they really don\’t care, but because they are always \”being careless\”. In daily life, there are too few opportunities for independent choices. 1. Needs are ignored. Parents are too strong, insist on one thing, and have a strong desire to control. During the period when children are awakening to self-awareness, it is easy to suppress their children\’s right to make free choices. After being denied for a long time, children will slowly start to give up their choices and start to like to say \”It\’s okay, it\’s fine, I\’ll do whatever I want\”. My nephew is a child who is often ignored. When he just finished the college entrance examination the year before last, the whole family was discussing what major to choose. Some said he should study mechanics, some said he should study medicine, and some said he should choose law. When his father asked for my advice, I asked him if I had ever asked him about his intentions. What does he want to choose? His father said: \”He said he can study whatever he wants. He can just let us help him decide.\” When it comes to such a major life event as a college major, can a child really be casual? He must have had his own ideas, but he was never paid attention to. So this child who always said \”whatever\” got used to others making decisions for him, and gradually he didn\’t know whether he liked it or not, and he became casual about everything. Losing enthusiasm and curiosity about the world, and always feeling bored and even lacking in self-confidence. 2. The idea is rejected. Let’s take a look at the following scene. Does it look familiar? Parent: Where do you want to go on the weekend? Child: I want to go to the amusement park! Parent: It’s too sunny now. Let’s go to the Science and Technology Museum. It’ll be cool and you can learn some knowledge. Child: …Parent: Your birthday is coming soon, what flavor do you want for the cake? Child: Chocolate! Parent: No, the chocolate one is too irritating, let’s eat the fruit one! Child: …Such a scene is so common: adults are always accustomed to using their own experience and judgment.I have no control over the child\’s choices. As the child makes choices again and again, he gradually feels that it is useless no matter what I say. In the end, he still has to listen to his parents. 3. Things are arranged. In one episode of a variety show that was popular some time ago – \”Listen Up, Friends\”, Yi Yang Qianxi read a letter. The letter was written by a 25-year-old graduate student: \”I am already 25 years old, but I feel that I am not an adult yet because my mother is too strict and I don\’t have the feeling of independence.\” \”I am now in graduate school. , and was asked to go home before 11 o\’clock every day.\” \”While living abroad, living expenses were paid once a week. They were afraid that I would spend money randomly, be afraid of impulsive consumption, and be afraid that I would be hungry at the end of the month.\” \”I have never had myself when I was growing up. When I bought clothes, my mother bought them for me.\” This friend also said that when he went out to eat with friends, his mother only gave him 50 yuan. Because he has no extra expenses, he can\’t even get a girlfriend. His mother\’s meticulous control over everything has left him \”sufficient to breathe.\” Netizens suggested that he go out and become independent. But he said: \”I really want to be independent, but when faced with my mother\’s arrangements, I have to answer, \’Whatever, it\’s up to you.\’\” He is 25 years old, highly educated, but he is struggling with whether he should be independent! I know it\’s wrong, but I don\’t dare to make up my mind to change it. He was afraid that behind his mother\’s sadness, he was hiding a misplaced mentality with no independent opinion and no independent judgment. Being arranged and controlled since childhood and never making his own decisions turned him into an \”excellent sheep\” who had no independent opinions and was at the mercy of others. Many children are not unable to make choices, nor do they avoid making choices, but after being used to being \”arranged\”, they have lost the ability to make choices and do not know what they want. Doing this allows children to get rid of \”casualness\” and become assertive people. Being assertive is an excellent quality. How to make children become assertive? You can try to do the following in your daily life: 1. Ask your children more about why and break the environment of \”nothing to do and nothing to think about\”. Some children have no independent opinions because their parents take over everything in their lives. All things are done for the children, creating an environment where the children have \”nothing to do and nothing to think about\”. If you want your children to change, you must first break this environment and let the children take action on their own. Parents can ask their children when something happens: \”How would you handle this?\” \”If you were to arrange this banquet, what would you do?\” \”There is another solution to this question, give it a try. \”… In short, parents should not have any psychological burden, and boldly leave things to their children to do and arrange. If you see mistakes, you can mention them, but don\’t interfere. Let your children develop a good thinking habit and start from \”whatever\” ” becomes “How am I going to do this?” and ultimately establishes one’s own perspective. 2. Create opportunities for children to \”call the shots\”. Children have many \”little things\” of their own. Even if the children fail, it will not affect the functioning of the entire family. It is best to give them to exercise their autonomy. These things include but are not limited to: deciding what clothes to wear today; deciding what hairstyle to wear; deciding the pattern of your towel; deciding the color of your toothbrush; deciding what flavor of toothpaste to use; deciding to drink milk or orange juice; choosing your favorite stationery; …Don’t underestimate these “little\”Things, these \”little\” things cultivate children\’s confidence in their own ideas. Xueersi Grade 1-6 Primary School Third Grade Mathematical Thinking Training Complete Video Course Only when a child is confident in his own ideas, will he dare to Only by speaking in a crowd and putting forward your own ideas can you gain the support of others, thereby leading and influencing others. 3. Allow your children to make mistakes. If you want your children to have independent opinions and not blindly follow them in the future, at least let them insist on their own opinions when they are children. and opportunities for opinions, even if it is wrong, as long as it is not a principled error, please give the child the opportunity to discover and summarize for himself, rather than rudely denying it. To be honest, the world is changing too fast, and those of you who think you are enough Precious experiences are likely to be outdated. When your child thinks differently than you do, you might as well say something like this: \”You are very independent and have great ideas, which is good. \”However, I think this method is better. Do you want to consider trying it?\” \”Since you are very insistent, then go and try it yourself.\” \”You did a great job, it seems you are right, you are great.\” \”Is it not what you want?\” Do you want to try my method? \”Look, isn\’t this a good job?\” \”Julie Lithcott Hyams once said: \”Allowing the freedom to try, fail and do better within a certain range is the only way for children and anyone to learn to do things on their own. Perfectionism is not only the enemy of goodness, but also the enemy of growth. \”Be sure to remember, please allow your children to make mistakes, stay with them, and stay in their mistakes for a while. In this way, you will gain a different child and encounter a brand new self. 4. Don\’t deny your child\’s feelings and life We often see this scene: Scene 1: The child fell and cried. The mother quickly stepped forward, picked up the child and said: \”It doesn\’t hurt, be good, good children don\’t cry.\” This floor is a big bad guy. Mommy will hit it for you! \”Scene 2: The child is full, and the mother says: \”Good boy, you are growing, how can you eat enough? Come on, eat some more, be good! \”The child couldn\’t do it without eating, and in the end he was pestered by his mother to eat. Scene 3: The child was in a hurry to go to school, but the mother stopped him and forced the child to put on another piece of clothing. But the child didn\’t feel cold and refused to wear it. The mother Said: \”I eat more salt than you eat rice. What should I do if it freezes? Don\’t know what is good and what is bad!\” \”There are too many examples like this. Adults are always used to using their own experiences to deny children\’s feelings. However, many people don\’t know that it is even more lethal and more common than not caring about children\’s feelings. If a child continues to If his most basic feelings of hunger, cold and warmth, and pain cannot be confirmed, then how can he build self-awareness? How can he have long-term happiness with a broken self? A child\’s judgment and feelings about one thing should not be the first. Deny it for a moment, but respect him. Children who grow up in this atmosphere will always feel their own importance. Tell the child: \”What do I feel? Of course, the most important thing is to see how you feel. You The feeling is more important. \”Only when parents respect their children\’s feelings can children trust their own judgment and stick to their own choices. Becoming an independent person is an excellent person and an adult.Qualities necessary for successful people. 5. Hold family \”debate competitions\” to let children experience the pleasure of \”having an opinion\”. Parents can often hold some small \”debate competitions\” at home. Among three people, one parent and the child are one party, and the other parent is the other parent. one party. The two parties put forward different viewpoints, actively let the children speak, guide the children to think of ways to convince themselves, and finally \”pretend\” to admit defeat, allowing the children to experience the pleasure of \”having an opinion\”. In this way, the children will have a deeper understanding of an issue and will have a better understanding of the situation. It’s hard to say “whatever” is right anymore. If we ignore the true meaning behind these mantras and explore the child\’s real thoughts and feelings, but stay in the subjective feelings, we will rashly label the child as \”disobedient and rebellious\”. The parent-child relationship will only become more and more tense, and the relationship with the child will only become farther and farther away. The most despairing thing for people is not their hardship, but their lack of control over their lives. Only by daring to listen to your inner voice can you take your life into your own hands. Give the decision-making power to your children, let them be the driver, drive your own life train, and follow your own life trajectory!