The consequences of over-indulging children

What is your first action when picking up your children from school? In the variety show \”Dear Little Desk\”, one day, teacher Chen Youwei was arranged to pick up the children from school. The first time he saw the child, he took the child\’s schoolbag very thoughtfully and carried it on his shoulders. The flowing movements look very much like a real child\’s father, mother, grandparents, and grandparents. Seeing this, the guests and experts in the video studio exclaimed almost simultaneously: Look, he first \”robbed\” the child\’s schoolbag. On-site education expert Zhang Min pointed out: This is a beautiful scenery in China now, especially at the entrance of primary schools. The reason why parents rush to help their children carry schoolbags is simply because the schoolbags are really too heavy. Regarding whether children will be crushed by \”heavy\” schoolbags, teacher Zhang Min cited the research conclusion of the Medical Technology and Consulting Department of the Hong Kong Polytechnic University: \”The schoolbag weighs more than 15% of the student\’s weight and must be carried continuously for more than 20 minutes. It may cause spinal atrophy of 6-8 mm.\” Parents helping their children carry school bags several times will not have any impact on the child\’s personality and ability. But it can truly reflect a common educational phenomenon in Chinese families: doing everything for their children. \”Carrying a school bag\” is a small thing, but there is a big \”secret\” behind it. There was even a hot search on \”should you carry a school bag for your child?\” At that time, a primary school principal in Shenzhen deliberately stood at the school gate when his children were out of school and refused to let parents carry their children\’s schoolbags. This caused widespread concern from all walks of life, especially parents. The principal believes that children should understand that what is their own business should be done by themselves. Most parents objected to this, and the reason was simple: This principal must have never raised children personally, otherwise, how could he be willing to let his children carry such a heavy schoolbag? The principal’s explanation for this is: Children should do their own things. Looking at the child\’s small body, which is weighed down by the heavy schoolbag, which parent can\’t help the child? However, by helping children \”carry school bags\”, it is not difficult to see the daily relationship between parents and children. When eating, chase after the child to feed; after getting up, help the child prepare clothes and clean the bed; when eating shrimp, everything in the child\’s bowl is meat; when eating eggs, peel off the eggshells and bring them to the child\’s mouth; the child wants to Drink water, pour it, blow it to cool, and bring it to your hand… Even after their children start a family and start a career, many parents will still habitually intervene in their children\’s lives, helping them with laundry, cooking, and housework. In \”Only Thirty\”, Zhong Xiaoqin\’s mother is like this. After her daughter gets married, she often goes to her daughter\’s house to help her with housework and cooking. Zhong Xiaoqin, who has been accustomed to being taken care of and protected by her mother since she was a child, will still go back to her natal family to live and eat when her husband is not at home, even if she is married. They had no plans for the household\’s daily necessities, and no judgment about their own lives. For this reason, the young couple often quarreled. Chen Yu believes that his wife is no different from before she got married. She just wants to live a life of two people, but she has to act like a child, carrying her parents\’ back. Many years ago, foreign parents called this kind of parents \”helicopter parents\”, always hovering over their children\’s heads, doing this and that for their children. USAWriter William Deresiewicz once said: \”A person\’s efforts to explore, observe and discover what he wants to pursue is the process of his truly growing up.\” Parents take care of everything for their children, which is undoubtedly the case for their children. In the things that interest them, a wall is erected, blocking the path for children to grow. How can a person who can\’t even control his own life handle other things well? The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! The more omnipotent parents are, the easier it is to raise incompetent children. In \”The Country of Giant Babies\”, teacher Wu Zhihong said this: \”Behind every child that is taken for granted is the result of excessive doting. It is natural for parents to love their children, but excessive love turns into doting, and becomes a problem for children. It hurts me.\” After becoming a parent, the biggest regret is not being able to be by your child\’s side and be your child\’s lifelong support. It is a loving instinct for parents to help their children, but having the courage to let go is the wisdom of being a parent. I read a story online: A father wanted his 13-year-old son to go out and \”see the world\”, so he sent him to a friend in Australia for the summer vacation. After the friend met the boy, he said to the boy: \”Although your father asked me to take care of you, I am not responsible for taking care of your life, because I don\’t owe your father, and he doesn\’t owe me, so there is no relationship between us.\” They are equal. You are 13 years old and have basic living abilities, so from tomorrow on, you have to get up on time, make your own breakfast and clean the plates and bowls, because these things are not my responsibility. Laundry room There, you have to wash your clothes by yourself. In addition, here is a city map and bus schedule. You can decide where to go after looking at the place. I can take you there if I have time, but if I don’t have time, you can You have to figure out the route and driving distance, and you can play by yourself.\” The boy was puzzled at first. At home, his parents were basically responsible for these things, but when he thought about it in other people\’s homes, he could only obey the arrangements. A month later, when the boy came home, his family was very surprised. The boy seemed to be a different person: folding quilts, washing dishes, cleaning the house… The boy\’s father was very curious about what method his friend used to keep his son in a Grew up in the month. His friend told him disapprovingly: \”I didn\’t do anything, I just let him do his own thing and don\’t bother others all the time.\” Many times, it\’s not that the child is bad, but that the parents are reluctant to let go. Every time parents let go, they give the opportunity for growth back to their children. A wise letting go is better than a hundred useless appointments. Zhou Haihong, a professor at the Central Conservatory of Music, believes: \”From a natural person to a social person, one needs to learn social interaction, and the other is to be independent.\” The basis for a person to be independent is in life. , got enough respect. Take the matter of children carrying schoolbags as an example. It cannot be ruled out that some children find the schoolbags heavy and ask their parents to carry them. However, there are also some children who, after following the teacher\’s instructions, hope to be able to carry their own schoolbags, but their parents accuse them of \”affecting their bodies.\”Stopped by force. From the children\’s perspective, their personal wishes are not respected and their personal abilities are not trusted. In daily life, we need to invite children to participate in the family instead of asking or ordering children to do something. For example, if the child\’s schoolbag feels heavy and they want to help the child, the parent can, after obtaining the child\’s consent, adopt an \”exchange\” method, and let the parent carry the heavier bag, while the parent\’s lighter bag can be carried by the child. For family labor, you can hold a family meeting and formulate a \”family labor schedule\” with your children to make your children feel that they are also an indispensable member of the family. The prerequisite for a person to be independent is long-term practice and exercise in life. When Teacher Fan Deng was lecturing, he shared an incident: When the daughter of one of his friends was 14 years old, she went to study in the United States alone. She flew alone for 27 hours and packed her luggage by herself. After finally arriving at the airport, she was told that children under the age of 15 are not allowed to fly alone in the United States, and she was detained at the airport. After communicating with her parents, she expressed that she wanted to try to solve the problem herself. So, she took out a series of relevant documents to prove that she was only going to study, and told them that she didn\’t understand the age limit, so she bought a plane ticket and flew here alone. Finally, the police let her go, and even the captain on the plane expressed his appreciation for her. In psychology, there is a \”watch law\”: having more than two watches does not help people judge the time more accurately. Instead, it will create confusion and make the person looking at the watch lose their judgment of time. Specific to family education, when a child is dealing with something, parental intervention is not conducive to solving the problem. On the one hand, it gives the child an opportunity to rely on, on the other hand, it will put the child in internal and external conflicts. . Smart parents must know how to watch from the sidelines and lead from a distance. As the educator Spencer said: \”Education should be a process that encourages personal development. Educators should guide children to explore and make their own inferences.\” Everyone\’s growth will be painful. After unlocking their abilities a little bit, they will grow up again. Get happy. The schoolbag is indeed not light, but the child still needs to carry it on his own. Growing up is indeed painful, but that is a child\’s life. Smart parents don’t do everything.