What should you pay attention to after spanking your child?

I saw a piece of news on Weibo. Two mothers openly talked about their \”experience\” in spanking their children on the roadside. At that time, two mothers were picking up bamboo sticks on the roadside, and they both said in unison, \”They picked them up to beat their children.\” A mother said: My child is beaten so often that the clothes hanger is deformed. Another mother echoed: You are stupid, you don’t know how to hit with this, it will not hurt the flesh. The two mothers looked calm when talking about their experiences in spanking their children. Netizens started to feel sorry for their children when they saw it: The two mothers are too cruel! The children shivered when they saw it. This is the most traditional, most widespread and longest-standing child training tool in China! yes! Many parents think that to discipline their children, just spank them. As everyone knows, spanking a child may be \”fun\” for the parents for a while, but it will be \”painful\” for the child for the rest of his life. Researchers from the University of Texas and the University of Michigan have conducted more than 50 years of follow-up research on \”parents spanking their children\” and concluded that corporal punishment will increase the risk of aggressive behavior in children; and spanking children It has no educational effect at all, it will only harm children and cause more problems; including anti-social behavior, aggression, physical harm to children, mental health problems, etc. \”Stick education\” is ostensibly motivated by love, but in fact it not only makes children feel humiliated, but also plants the seeds of resentment in their hearts. Especially if a child who has been beaten behaves like these, parents should be careful. Standing stubbornly on the spot, refusing to admit his mistake, a friend complained about his experience of spanking his children. The child made her angry over some trivial matter and was beaten. What made her even more angry was that when the child was beaten, there was no reaction at all. She said: Even though she knew I was angry, she didn\’t know how to run away. She would just stare at me hatefully with both eyes. She would not say anything no matter how hard the beating was, nor would she take the initiative to admit her mistake. Maybe if he resists, I will calm down and stop beating him! I couldn\’t agree more with what she said. When I spanked my children in the past, they would sometimes not say a word. The more motionless they were, the angrier I became. Some people may think that this kind of child has a \”stubborn temper\”, but they ignore the child\’s inner fear and rebellion. From the perspective of child behavioral psychology: when parents hit their children, they will fall into great fear, so they unknowingly activate a self-protection mechanism. On the one hand: I am afraid of getting more beatings and scoldings from my parents, which contains the element of \”please\”, and I think \”it will be fine as long as my parents are relieved of their anger.\” On the other hand: I want to fight for the right to speak, but I don’t dare to speak. I can only use silence to deal with dissatisfaction and resistance. Never think that it is a good thing if a child does not resist after being beaten. When being beaten, the child seemed unresponsive, but in fact, the fear and hurt in his heart were suppressed into his subconscious. He was weakening his energy step by step, and slowly turned into a good child. After a long time, not only will the ability to express oneself be cut off, but one will also respond to the world by being submissive and ingratiating. Really powerful parents use \”positive discipline\” to educate their children. The famous psychologist Winnicott believes that any physical phenomenon of a child, if you severely control him, is a kind of abuse. Beating and scolding children is essentially a kind of emotional education, which leaves children with \”scars\” all over their bodies. Education must start from the heart of the child. We must give the child a sense of value and belonging.and a sense of security. With these \”nourishments\”, children will become more and more \”obedient\” on the road to education. Jane Nelson, the author of \”Positive Discipline\”, proposed a more effective way of discipline than pampering and punishment, called \”Positive Discipline\”: it refers to taking into account oneself, others and the situation at the same time, and respecting children under the premise of clear rules. Feelings of kindness and firmness go hand in hand. In this way, self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and the ability to solve problems on your own can be developed. So what should be done specifically? 1. Establish rules and establish authority in early childhood. Professor Li Meijin once put forward a point: starting from the age of 3, children gradually develop the ability to understand and express themselves, which is a critical period for setting rules for children. She also mentioned: at the age of 3, parents should learn to say \”no\” to their children; at the age of 4, parents should teach their children to learn to wait and self-discipline; at the age of 5, parents should teach their children to learn self-management through temptation training; at the age of 6, At this time, children should learn the spirit of hard work and hard work in sports. Before the age of 6, we can set good rules for our children to avoid to the greatest extent the problems of beating and scolding caused by disobedience. It not only allows children to obey good habits, but also establishes authority for children. At this time, parents should adhere to the principle: do it first, then ask for it. If the child does not comply, discipline can be applied on a small scale. For example: If you haven’t finished eating, you can’t eat your favorite snacks; if you haven’t finished your homework, your favorite toys will be confiscated. The purpose of our punishment is to establish prestige in the children\’s hearts and make them fearful. 2. Childhood → Change \”communication\” and let children experience the consequences. Starting from the age of 3-6, children will care about self-esteem, especially after the age of 6, the child\’s face is very important. At this time, parents can choose \”punishment\” to discipline their children. An educator once said: When a child makes a mistake, letting him experience the consequences of his behavior is a hundred times more effective than beating and scolding. A father took his son to the construction site to move bricks because he refused to study. The boy was very curious on the first day and worked very hard. But after three days of hard work, the boy understood the happiness of reading and said from the bottom of his heart: It is better to study. Parents should give their children a certain \”error tolerance\” in their education, and then let them experience the consequences of their mistakes themselves. Among them, parents can educate their children through discussion, explanation, explanation, and criticism, but they should not use beating or scolding to solve the problem violently. If you make a mistake, you should establish and establish the belief that you are responsible for it, and understand that your behavior will inevitably have consequences. Letting children take responsibility for their actions is the focus of education at this stage. 3. Adolescent children → Establish a sense of trust and affirm them. The famous psychologist Jane Nelson shared a story in \”Positive Discipline for Teenagers\”: After his son entered high school, he met a group of bad friends and fell into bad habits. In order to discipline his son, the father grounded him and confiscated his mobile phone. Unexpectedly, my son became more and more rebellious. Later, my father went to attend family education classes. During the class, the teacher told him: Don’t rush to correct your child’s behavior. Build a trusting relationship first and spend more time with your child, and the situation will gradually improve. Since then, he has gone to eat with his son once a week. After three weeks of continuous companionship, my son was willing to take the initiativeHe told him what happened to him and recalled interesting childhood stories with him. Then, the teacher told the father: restrain criticism and preaching, and try to affirm his son. Three months later, my son\’s behavior began to quietly change. Not only did he respect his father, he also reduced the number of fooling around with friends, and even asked his parents about college entrance examinations and future work. Therefore, Jane Nelson concluded: The best way to win over teenagers is to create intimacy and trust rather than alienation and hostility. Adolescent children have transformed from a stage of dependence on their parents to a mature adult. Their principle is: if you trust me, I will trust you; if you respect me, I will accept you. It is best for parents to step back as consultants and give their children companionship, trust and affirmation. As long as the child does something correct, affirm and support him, and let the child ask his parents for advice when he is confused, or parents can take the initiative to provide guidance when they see any deviations. Yin Jianli said in \”A Good Mother is Better than a Good Teacher\”: Violent education can make children obedient, but will not make them smart and sensible; it can make them obedient, but will not make them self-conscious and motivated. If you want your child to grow better and better, you must not ignore your child\’s inner endurance in the pursuit of temporary \”goodness\”. We must understand that what the child needs is: pay attention to him instead of neglecting him; guide him instead of controlling him; respect him instead of insulting him; recognize him instead of denying him. As long as parents understand their children\’s needs, they can have a child who is willing to excel and is mentally healthy.