Confessions of a middle-aged mother: When I learned \”acting\”, my son\’s rebellion was cured

The growth of a child is a practice for parents. And this practice is destined to be a comprehensive psychological and physical test for parents! I used to be a free and open-minded person, but when facing my son, I fell into a state of hysteria, anxiety and insomnia. Every time I think back to those days, there is always a complex emotion of fear and joy lingering in my heart… I am frustrated that my son has nothing to say and fights everything with silence. My son is 14 years old this year and is in the second grade of junior high school. During this midterm test In middle school, he entered the top 10 in the class, but you would never have guessed that when he first entered junior high school last year, he was a scumbag with serious academic bias. Since childhood, my son has been sunny and lively, and he is a full-fledged little warm boy. I never have to worry about studying. But as soon as I entered junior high school, my painting style changed drastically! As the number of subjects increased, he began to complain that he was under great pressure to study and had too many homeworks. Learning English was tiring and he had to memorize many words. I didn\’t take it seriously at first. After all, I had just started learning English, so I told him not to be afraid of difficulties and spend more time memorizing words. My father severely criticized me: \”Study is hard, so go out and move bricks!\” Since then, I haven\’t heard my child complain anymore. I thought he had adapted, but as soon as the results of the first-term midterm exam came out, I realized Something is wrong. Other subjects were fine, but in English, out of a total score of 150, I only scored 79. The English teacher even came to me alone: ​​\”I can\’t pass the word dictation, and the homework is extremely sloppy. The most important thing is that I fell asleep in class several times…\” Hearing the teacher\’s series of accusations, I felt like my lungs were about to explode. . I kept saying I was tired, but I fell asleep during class. When this negative emotion took over my mind, I started to get angry. That night, my father and I decided to give him a good \”class\”. The father is the absolute authority, and the son has been afraid of his father since he was a child. As soon as his son arrived home that day, his father called him over and said with a sullen face: \”Do you still want to study? You actually fell asleep in class. You have become more capable, right?\” The son whispered back: \”I don\’t understand.\” The voice As soon as he fell, his father\’s tone became 8 points tougher: \”You mean you can understand it when you sleep? I don\’t work hard, but I still make so many excuses…\” Seeing his father\’s anger, the son lowered his head and blushed. , but didn’t say a word. Finally, my father and I unanimously decided to sign up for an English cram school. In addition, I had to memorize words at my place every day. Unexpectedly, in the final test, except for a small improvement in English, my son\’s other subjects all declined, and his overall score dropped from 18th place before to 33rd place. My mentality collapsed. There was no doubt that my father scolded me again: \”I spent money to sign up for you, demolished the east wall to repair the west wall, just go out to work, I see you are not a material for study.\” !\” He suddenly became very excited, clenched his fists and shouted: \”If you don\’t read, I\’m a waste, are you satisfied?\” Then he locked himself in the room with a bang. From that day on, he was always cold and didn\’t talk to us. He almost stayed in his room except for eating. Watching the children\’s grades decline, the relationship is so tense. I am so anxious that I can’t sleep. Two years later, my child will not be able to go to school, and his life will be ruined! I suddenly realized that I couldn\’t let it goThis situation must be solved. From that day on, I bought a lot of books about adolescent rebellion, knowing that there was something wrong with my education methods. Although it was very difficult to do it, I decided to give it a try with the mentality of giving it a try. After analyzing the actual situation together with my father, my father and I were enlightened! The book says: \”Children who are often criticized and attacked will not become stronger. Instead, they will have a weak character and lack of self-confidence. Children who prefer subjects are often due to lack of confidence in subjects. Criticism at this time is almost fatal!\” Many Sometimes, poor academic performance and laziness are superficial factors, but the root of the problem is \”mentality problem.\” I feel like I can’t remember words or learn grammar. I feel that a certain subject is particularly difficult and I can’t learn it no matter what. I feel that the teacher is boring and studying is very tiring. …In fact, these are the imaginary enemies in children\’s hearts. It is these imaginary enemies that make children afraid of giving. Simply blaming behavioral laziness will make them hate the subject more and more, and eventually lose confidence in learning! Seeing this, we are really regretful. His complaints were not a kind of help he asked us for help. So what to do? The book says: \”If you want to build your children\’s self-confidence in subjects, they must be able to \’act\’ and use the \’secondary feedback\’ method to make the children think they are excellent!\” What is second-level feedback: it is to discover the child\’s good behavior, Praise him! For example: your child always can\’t get up in the morning. Instead of scolding him when he gets up late, praise him on the day he gets up relatively early. Psychologically speaking, everyone is upward and good-hearted. When a child is praised, he will think he can do something well. As long as his parents learn to continuously reinforce it, he will subconsciously think that this is a piece of cake! And this is actually – confidence! Later, my father and I specially practiced how to use secondary feedback, and made a 3,000-word specific plan for the child\’s problems, down to the details of how to say each sentence. The whole process is divided into three steps: 1. Communicate deeply, open up the knot, and rebuild trust with the child. 2. Use “secondary feedback” to rebuild children’s confidence. 3. Educate children based on respect and guidance. Rebuilding confidence, the child breaks through the wall That night, after my repeated invitations, my son finally sat with us. The child\’s father said: \”Son! Dad usually has a bad temper. He always criticizes you and accuses you. This is my fault!\” I clearly saw a trace of surprise flash in the child\’s eyes, but he lowered his head and said nothing. . I quickly said: \”In the past, we were too worried about your studies, but ignored your ideas. We blindly believed that poor study was due to lack of intention…\” Under our guidance, the child gradually softened and began to pour out his bitter words and talk about us. Authoritarian, harsh, etc. We did not interrupt him, and even nodded in agreement, allowing him to vent his dissatisfaction. (The child is willing to speak his mind, which means that the child has begun to accept us. Do not refute at this time.) The son\’s bitterness is like pouring out all the negative energy in the body. Something unexpected happened to me, my son started to reflect: \”Actually, I didn\’t do the right thing. Every time you criticized me, I was very angry, but I didn\’t dare to contradict you, so I deliberately didn\’t study, hoping to make you angry and regretful! But I know that this actually hurts me… …\” We were happy and guilty at the same time when we heard what our children were saying. Dad was even a little excited: \”Son, I\’m very pleased with what you just said. I underestimated you before, but you have been able to distinguish right from wrong. Mom and dad promise that we will never point fingers at anything in the future. \”Yes, we fully respect your opinion, and at the same time, we also hope that you will be responsible for your own future!\” The son nodded in agreement. That night, we chatted until the early morning for the first time. It was the first long conversation in my memory as a whole family. His father and I were surprised to find that our son was also full of longing for his future! Early the next morning, my son got up and locked himself in his room after breakfast. To be honest, I really wanted to go into the room and tell him to spend some time studying. But I endured it again and again, constantly reminding myself to believe in him! Not long after, he actually came out and asked me to dictate the words for him. But the result turned out to be a lot wrong, and he was a little discouraged. I quickly used the \”secondary feedback\” to act: \”Today, your speed of memorizing words has improved a lot compared to before. I remember that last time you memorized words for 2 hours, and you got more than 20 correct words. There is progress!\” The son regained his confidence and quickly continued to memorize. I\’m happy to see him working hard, but I\’m more worried that he\’s only \”3 minutes hot\”. In the second week, when the child came back from class, the father started \”acting\” again: \”Today, the English teacher called me and told me that your vocabulary has improved significantly recently and your learning attitude has also changed a lot. She felt that if you continue, It shouldn’t take more than a semester, and my grades will be greatly improved!” The son was dubious, but when his serious father said this, he couldn’t hide his excitement: “Really? The teacher also praised me in class today because I dictated all the words correctly today. \”I made an excited expression and gave him a big thumbs up! In fact, the fact is that I called the teacher the first day, hoping that the teacher could encourage him more in school. Since then, my son has fallen in love with memorizing words. He will memorize them every day after getting up and before going to bed. Not only that, he also summarized some effective methods for memorizing words. Sometimes, learning is like this. In fact, it is impossible to completely improve English by just memorizing words. But the magic is that when he feels that memorizing words is easy, learning English also becomes an easy task. My son\’s English scores continue to break through, from over 70 points to over 120 points. At the same time, other subjects have steadily improved, and in the midterm test results of the second grade of junior high school, he entered the top 10 in the class. I know that my son has the energy of \”confidence\” gathered in his heart, and nothing can stop him in the future. And I also learned how to be a qualified mother. A child is lucky to have parents who are willing to learn. Looking back on that torturous time, my biggest feeling is that I am glad that I found the right method and saved my son. At the same time, I sincerely suggest that when you encounter educational problems, you should first start from yourself and seek solutions. This is better than forcing your children toThe learning effect is 100 times stronger. Find the problems in your own education, from changing yourself to changing your children.