What should I do if my child likes to talk back?

A friend recently complained to me that her 8-year-old daughter always talks back to her: Yesterday I asked her child to clean up her room, but she was watching TV all the time. She said something, and the child said something back: \”Your room is a mess, and you don\’t know how to clean it.\” !\” \”You also know it\’s my room. I can clean it up whenever I want!\” \”Why haven\’t you finished cleaning it after a long time?\” \”Didn\’t you ask me to be more serious?\” My friend said helplessly: \”I will talk back. Children can definitely make people angry to death!\” Children talking back is not an isolated phenomenon. Children of different ages will show different signs of talking back: children aged two or three will put the word \”no\” first; children aged seven or eight like to talk back to others \”why?\” You can, but I can\’t!\” he kept saying; in adolescence, the way of contradicting gradually escalated, and every word he said was thorny. This kind of behavior of children immediately makes parents feel that they have lost their authority and feel frustrated. How should we solve the problem of \”talking back\”? I hope the article shared today can bring you some inspiration. 01 Generally speaking, there are three subtexts hidden in children who talk back. The first sentence: \”I have grown up and I have my own ideas.\” Talking back is not entirely a bad thing, but a sign of a child\’s growth. When you find that your children talk back, it is probably because they want to tell you: \”I have grown up.\” For example, if you ask her to wear a skirt, but she insists on wearing a sweater, you think the child is stubborn, but this also shows that the child has her own opinion and she is expressing her true feelings. As children grow older, they have a stronger sense of self and are trying to break away from dependence and strive for greater power to meet their own needs. Talking back is a way for them to express themselves. As adults, we don’t have to angrily regard it as a provocation. We should even regard it as a manifestation of children’s growth. As German psychologist Dr. Angelica Fass said: \”The debate between generations is an important step for the next generation to embark on the road to adulthood.\” The second sentence: \”I love you \”Dissatisfied with discipline\” and talking back also means that the child is dissatisfied with the parent\’s orders or requirements, and even feels that the adult has hurt him. Generally speaking, the specific reasons why children talk back are mainly directed at the following manifestations of adults: being unfaithful: not being able to do what they promised the child; feeling aggrieved: being wronged or misunderstood by adults; being too controlling: parents being too domineering, He likes to order his children and he says exactly what he says; he does not lead by example: he himself fails to do what his parents ask his children to do. Take setting an example as an example. I once saw a primary school student directly \”accusing\” his parents in his composition: Why can my parents play with their mobile phones for three or four hours, but I can only play for five minutes? Why can my parents get angry at me, but I can\’t? Why do my parents have to take care of me when they can\’t take care of themselves? If parents have double standards when disciplining their children, or if they themselves have similar problems but do not correct them, they will naturally be resisted and contradicted. Talk back because your child disobeys you. Therefore, the phenomenon of children talking back is not entirely the child\’s problem. Parents should also reflect on their own education methods. Most children are very \”stubborn\”. If your education does not truly convince them, they will not be convinced.Angry and back-talking behavior arises. The third sentence: \”I want to be noticed.\” When a child talks back, sometimes it is just a sign of inner vulnerability and isolation. Because of the desire to be noticed and seen, subconsciously, he \”involuntarily\” goes against his parents. It seems like you are fighting against your parents, but you are actually asking them for help. Essentials for family education: How to encourage children\’s progress and self-confidence, 70 episodes. 02 Children talk back, which tests the parents\’ educational level. The response of adults to this \”challenging\” behavior of their children directly affects the pattern of parent-child dialogue in daily life. If we overreact, such as threats and intimidation, the child will develop confrontational emotions, which not only suppresses the child\’s usual desire to communicate, but also affects his confidence in expression. The Austrian writer Franz Kafka once mentioned in an article the impact of his father\’s \”no talking back\” sentence on him: \”You banned me from speaking very early. Your hand has always been with me. You were always a great speaker when it came to your matters, and all I got was a staccato, stammering way of speaking. The power of your words spoke to me It was too powerful for me, I was too obedient, so I shut up completely and huddled in front of you. Only when I was far away from you, where your power could no longer reach at least directly, did I dare to move. For a moment.\” When parents treat their children\’s talk back with a rough attitude, the children will feel insecure. Adults are always unconsciously obsessed with the authority of parents, and it is easy to regard children\’s \”talking back\” as a kind of \”disrespectful\” behavior. They also always feel that children are ill-informed and immature, and finally regard talking back as a very serious problem. Let’s look at it. None of us like to feel offended. In fact, talking back is not a bad thing for a child\’s growth. Every child has the right to express himself, but what parents need to distinguish is: whether the child\’s expression is an impolite confrontation or a well-founded argument. There is an essential difference between conflict and argument. The former expresses rudeness, unreasonableness, and aggressiveness, while the latter expresses one\’s own opinions based on the facts. If parents can understand the subtext when their children talk back, they can truly solve the problem and make their children better. 03So, how should parents respond to their children’s talking back behavior? ▌When children talk back, the calmer you are, the easier it is to reach a consensus. Children often talk back. If parents are not calm enough, it is easy to fall into a \”power struggle.\” They will each prove to the other again and again that they have the final say. For example, if you ask your child to add clothes, he will directly contradict his parents: \”Don\’t I know whether it\’s cold or not?\” \”I asked you to add clothes, but you just talk nonsense!\” \”Why should I listen to you on everything?\” \”Yes!\” At this time, it doesn\’t matter whether you wear clothes or not, the key is who you listen to. When you notice your child\’s irritability and vent your anger, it will only make your child\’s mood more intense. If you know how to be restrained and rational, it will make your children reflect on the unkindness in your tone. You can refer to your vocabulary ▽What’s wrong today? Are you talking so loudly? Who made you angry? Come on, talk to dad/mom. Make good use of gentle andA firm tone will make children feel seen, valued, and respected, and power struggles will not occur. ▌ Make good use of the sentence structure of comparing one\’s heart to one\’s heart. This method of comparing one\’s heart to one\’s heart comes from the book \”Grumpy Child\”. Author Ross Greene writes: If you want your child to remain rational enough to have a conversation with you, comparing yourself to your child is a good way to do it. If you can\’t keep your child calm, you won\’t be able to resolve the issues that cause him distress and frustration because you won\’t be able to have an effective conversation. How to empathize with others? The main thing is to repeat his concerns to the child and repeat exactly what he said. Some people call this approach \”evidential listening.\” For example, when children talk back, they often say: \”This is not fair!\” You can repeat the child\’s words: \”You think this is unfair.\” Then, try to use questions to find ways to get the child to express his thoughts: \” Why do you feel this way?\” We must not only allow children to express their innermost thoughts, but also guide them to express them correctly. You can refer to the words ▽You must be very angry now, right? Why do you think so? What you said makes sense, let’s have a good chat! All children long to be heard and understood. Paying attention to their feelings and needs will lead to cooperation. When children are willing to express their dissatisfaction, cooperation is not far away. ▌Remind children to change the way they speak. Children who often talk back lack the skills to express themselves well. There is a little story: If you accidentally step on a dog\’s tail, the poor puppy has only three choices: bark at you, bite you, or run away. And if you \”step on\” the \”tail\” of a human with language skills impairment, he also has only three choices: bark at you, bite you, or run away. From this perspective, sometimes children talk back because they cannot think of a clearer way to express themselves. Some children will say some extremely aggressive words when talking back because they believe that violent words can more easily gain their parents\’ attention and attention. In interactions with the outside world, children need to learn to control their irritability and how to express their needs correctly. This is a long process. If your child\’s \”talk back\” is a rude rebuttal, you can give appropriate reminders and express your feelings. You can refer to the words: \”I understand how you feel, but your mother feels uncomfortable when you speak in this tone.\” \”I know you are very angry now, but do you want to talk to your mother in a different way?\” \”Wait until you calm down. Can we talk again?\” \”I don\’t like you talking like this, I hope you can convince me with reason.\” Guiding children to express different opinions in the correct way is what parents need to do most when their children \”talk back\”. Let children know that their feelings and thoughts are valued by their parents and that they have the right to discuss different opinions. But if your voice is too harsh, it will make others ignore your needs. The more reasonable you are, the more you need to express it well. Only in a relaxed and equal atmosphere can children learn to think and express their opinions on talking back.