If the father doesn\’t listen to the mother, the mother\’s words will reach the children\’s ears.

We may all have this experience. When we were young, our parents quarreled, and the weakest parent was the one we most wanted to protect. For example, if your mother screams all day long, is hysterical, and swears frequently, which is ear-piercing, you will naturally sympathize with your father, and then stand in your father\’s position and attack your mother instead of your father. Similarly, if your father treats your mother coldly, disapprovingly, belittles, suppresses, ridicules, ignores, or even domestically abuses your mother, then you will naturally side with your mother and deeply hate your father. Because children are absolutely narcissistic. In most families, parents will pamper their children very much. His happiness and anger will lead to changes in the family atmosphere. Then, he will think that everything in the small world of the family is under his control. Therefore, when the relationship between his parents becomes rigid, he will want to maintain order and restore balance. He will help anyone who is weak; he will reject anyone who is strong. This gave rise to a golden saying that is popular in the field of psychology: If the father does not listen to the mother, the mother\’s words will reach the children\’s ears. The reverse is also true. German psychologist Hellinger has discovered through decades of research that many children\’s problems are directly related to parents\’ failure to follow good family rules. When the relationship between husband and wife is out of balance, or the position is ambiguous, the child will subconsciously want to use his or her own power to save the weaker party and restore balance. As a result, the parent-child relationship is reversed, causing cognitive misalignment in the child, obstacles in growth, and no intention to do what he should do. For example, I once saw a case. It is about a husband who has had an extramarital affair and has not been home for a long time. The child is faced with grievances and loss, and at the same time is full of dependence and control on him. The mother wants to protect and escape. When I grew up, I had problems with my intimate relationships. I fell in love several times with older married women. Because during childhood, mothers who were ignored by their partners projected their needs and expectations for their partners onto their children. She hopes that the child can comfort her, protect her, understand her, support her, and not leave her. She will cry to the child: \”Your father has failed me, don\’t abandon your mother, she can only depend on you…\” …” However, this is not the responsibility of the children, but the responsibility of the spouse. This kind of cognitive misalignment will also cause children to subconsciously think: It is my responsibility to protect women from being seen by their husbands. Therefore, the relationship between the sexes in adulthood unconsciously replicates the pattern with the mother. The relationship between a child and his or her parents is the relationship between a child and other people as an adult. How his parents treat him will be how he chooses and treats his partner. Hellinger proposed: A truly healthy family must follow this rule – the relationship that appears first in the family is better than the relationship that appears later. In other words, the relationship between husband and wife is more important than the relationship between parents and children. Because the way parents get along is the way children learn. When parents love each other and the family is harmonious, then the children will grow up in love. On the contrary, the parent-child relationship can also be in danger. Many people have children and are so focused on their babies that they neglect their partners and take it for granted. because,\”Children are so young, of course they need full attention!\” However, this is putting the cart before the horse. If a partner is ignored, there will be a lack of love. If things go on like this, it will lead to family crises, such as extramarital affairs, or strong negative emotions, which will destroy the family atmosphere. Of course this is not what we want to see. And investing all your energy in your children will subconsciously project your expectations on your spouse. Children will be overwhelmed, want to escape, or have cognitive distortions in relationships. Everyone should recognize their position and return to their position. The relationship between parents is the axis of family relationships. Your love and intimacy are the solid foundation for the healthy growth of your children. If a couple puts the needs of being a good father and a good mother above all else, but neglects the construction of the relationship between husband and wife, then the result of such efforts is likely to be: the child will get an incomplete and unhealthy life. Love, he will try to integrate them throughout his life. The best way is to love yourself first, then love your partner, and then love the common children together. This is how a healthy family operates. No one can give in a state of scarcity, no one can love others in a state of lack of love, and no one can truly see children when they are not seen. Only when we feel that we are loved can our inner emotions flow, our body and mind be happy, we will give without hesitation, persevere without any grievance, and truly treat everyone around us. In other words, the love between husband and wife will definitely bless their children. Parents\’ love for each other will definitely have a positive impact on their children and grandchildren. We were all once a child. When I was a child, my biggest wish was not that one of my parents would love me crazily, but the other would be left out in the cold. On the contrary, our greatest need is for parents to love each other, connect with each other, not judge or blame, understand each other and support each other, create an environment full of love, and become our common and warm belonging. Only in this way will everyone find their own place and be filled with happiness.