\”Mom, why am I useless in your eyes?\”

I chatted with a mother at noon. Her son was just 10 years old and in the fourth grade of elementary school. According to the mother, the child is naughty, rebellious, restless, not focused, procrastinates in doing things, does not like to do homework… there are more than a dozen shortcomings. The mother said: \”I feel like a failure. How could I have raised such a child? How can I make him obedient and well-behaved?\” I asked my mother: \”Let\’s think about it carefully. In the process of life and study, what does the child have?\” What are your hobbies or specialties?\” My mother was silent for a long time and said, \”He is very good at sports, plays basketball well, and is also fast in sprinting. Although his grades are generally not good, his compositions are often used as examples by teachers; he usually takes the initiative to clean and clean at home. Washing dishes, and supervising me to take medicine when I feel unwell.\” If these words did not come from the same mother, wouldn\’t we have never imagined that these were the same child? Every child has innate advantages and disadvantages. As a parent, what you fear most is to be blinded by your child\’s \”shortcomings\” and gradually see your child\’s strengths as the catalyst for your \”shortcomings\”. There is a classmate in junior high school whose grades are among the top three in the school every time. He has a cheerful personality and is generous in everything he does. His father knows that he likes English. Every time he comes to school to see him, he brings English reading materials or English dictionaries to encourage him to learn English. People who don\’t know better think he has a good family. In fact, like most of his classmates, he was born in a rural area. Because his father was a rag collector, he was ridiculed by his classmates since elementary school and was nicknamed \”Little Rag Zhang\”. Every time someone calls him that, he doesn\’t get angry or annoyed. He just smiles and replies: \”My dad is a rag Zhang, so of course I am a little rag Zhang. Everyone knows this!\” Seeing that he is not angry, provocative people After a long time, he got bored and stopped barking. His excellence in studies made up for the psychological trauma caused by his family\’s extreme poverty, allowing him to study in key high schools and universities with an optimistic attitude. The self-confidence and energy generated by a child\’s success in one thing cannot be ignored; the learning motivation caused by interest must be more lasting and powerful than the motivation caused by utilitarian goals. There is a classmate with average grades who likes club activities the most. In the past few years of college, he has mainly focused on various social activities. Not only does he get along well with his classmates, but he also has a good relationship with many teachers. After graduation, I heard from my classmates that he started his own business shortly after graduation and relied on his super high emotional intelligence to make the company successful. Only later did I realize that this classmate’s strength was “emotional intelligence”. For example, when chatting in the WeChat group, he would take care of every classmate and give out red envelopes during the Chinese New Year, so that each classmate would receive one; When asking for help, he would try his best to help those who could, and not forget to remind the other party where to find the corresponding resources if he could not. For such a natural socializer, what would be the result if his parents felt that he was not doing his job properly and obstructed him in every possible way from the beginning? Most likely, he became an angel with broken wings, struggling painfully with mountains of books and seas of topics, right? When I was 14 years old, I was in the second grade of junior high school. In order to take the exam for a key high school in the county, I had to maintain excellent scores in major subjects such as Chinese, English, physics, and chemistry. However, physics and chemistry have always been my shortcomings. In a certain exam, I was very poor in chemistry and almost failed. Worried that my mother will be disappointed,I dare not tell the truth, but that paper is like a thorn in my heart. It pops out from time to time and stings me. One time, I mentioned this incident in my composition and truthfully described my inner feelings. After the composition was handed out, what moved me more than the perfect score was the comment from the Chinese teacher and head teacher: Your greatest advantage is that you can combine real life with writing. If you work hard, you will definitely achieve something. Being appreciated and affirmed in this way, all my haze was swept away. This kind of power made me, as a teenager, work very hard to make up for my shortcomings, and finally got admitted to a key high school as I wished. Appreciating children\’s strengths, guiding children\’s shortcomings, and allowing children to find their inner sense of value and identity in the things they like to do most are abilities that every parent must learn. The philosopher James once said: \”The most ardent requirement in human nature is the desire to be affirmed.\” Appreciation is definitely a concrete manifestation of \”affirmation\”. Appreciation means praise; knowledge means recognition. When children are still babies, we are excited and proud of their smiles, rolling over, crawling, standing, and walking. But as children grow older, we gradually become accustomed to treating them with adult utilitarianism. My friend\’s child is 5 years old. In the painting class, the teacher asked everyone to draw their mother. The other children all drew their mother\’s face, but she drew a figure with a bent and sitting back. Such a painting was not recognized by the teacher, nor was it recognized by friends at first. But the friend did not deny it rudely, but asked her daughter why she only drew her mother’s back. The child replied: \”Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and my mother is still working overtime in front of the computer. I feel that my mother is so hard.\” In one sentence, my friend burst into tears – children have their own perspectives and thoughts, and adults\’ fixed thinking should not be a constraint. Their rope; if you can\’t appreciate it, please give them the right to explain. When our parents were young, the values ​​of the world were uniform; when we became parents, many behaviors that were not understood at the beginning have been accepted by most people; when our children grow up, how diverse will the world be? We cannot predict the future, but the current mentality can affect a child\’s life. As humans, we have to do things we don’t like. The power to persist in things you don’t like comes precisely from the power of doing things you like. This kind of power requires every parent to use a pair of wise eyes to search, discover, and amplify in their children.