Have you ever been abused by your parents?

When Wan\’s family celebrated the New Year, they received a message from a reader in the background: \”What should I do? I want to move out, otherwise I will probably commit suicide. My parents and I really can\’t get along.\” She was very desperate and anxious. All helpless. He is an only son and returned to live with his parents after graduating from college. In the eyes of his parents, he should have started a family and started a career long ago, but he has been living a life of \”idle work\”, never fell in love, and never seemed to plan for the future. No matter how you look at it, it makes people angry and anxious. If we meet each other every day and can\’t say more than two sentences, the topic will quickly shift to \”You need to find a girlfriend quickly and get married and start a family quickly\”; \”What kind of job is playing games? Hurry up and become a civil servant\” \”XX has opened another real estate project\” You can find time to go take a look and buy the house quickly. It can be used for marriage at any time.\” He couldn\’t refute, deny, or defend. Otherwise, you will be scolded miserably, accused, denied and blamed in every possible way, and asked, \”Why don\’t you know what is good and what is evil?\” \”Isn\’t this for your own good?\” \”Why are you so heartless?\” Which parent in the world would harm their children?\” He is like a little puppet in a shadow play. He seems to be living, jumping, dancing with his limbs, and acting out life, but he is constantly being pulled, controlled, corrected, and manipulated. His parents copied their life experiences and insights and pasted them into his body, but turned a blind eye to the rejection reaction after the transplant. The ideological gap between the two generations was like a river that could never be crossed, crossing between him and his parents. He was in pain, despair, and rejection, but he didn\’t dare to leave, and he didn\’t want to bear the moral infamy of \”unfilial piety.\” He is not a person, he is a group of people. On Douban, there is an \”Anti-Parents\” group. It was founded in 2008 and has more than 120,000 members so far. They gathered in this virtual group and used words to describe, heal, accuse, comfort, and seek relief: \”Opposition is not an end, but a positive means for individuals to further develop into society and achieve the perfection of their own qualities. \”It\’s not that we don\’t fulfill our filial piety, we just want to live a better life. On the premise of respecting and abiding by social ethics, we resist the constraints and harm of corrupt, ignorant, and unreasonable parents.\” There is no accusation, only pleading; no coercion, only expectation. ; You can make concessions, but never compromise. What they want is nothing more than the right to live as independent individuals, which is particularly difficult in Chinese families. The authority of parents as parents is above all rules. Obedience means filial piety, and disobedience means disobedience. Fathers always say: I have eaten more salt than you have walked. However, they forgot that in their era, \”communication basically relied on shouting, and transportation basically relied on walking.\” But now, you can connect at home and abroad with one click, and travel across the country and abroad in one sleep. Their decades-long journey may be achieved in a day or two by modern technology. Is it \”for the good of the children\” or is it to demonstrate the authority of the parent that he cannot listen to objections, tolerate dissent, and see disobedience? Even if the child is unhappy or unhappy, he will not hesitate. There is an elder brother in the community who is humble and friendly. He has been obedient and sensible since he was a child. He is a model of \”filial piety\”.Fan. When he got married, he gave up his long-term girlfriend and accepted an arranged marriage because he was obedient. A moment of foolish filial piety turns a marriage into a veritable tomb. Although the two gave birth to two children in three years in order to fulfill their parents\’ wish to have grandchildren, they could not get into each other\’s hearts, develop feelings, and part ways. When the two decided to divorce, the whole family was in a frenzy. They were bombarded with phone calls and attacked in groups. \”How can we divorce? It has never happened in our family. Even if we don\’t want your son, we can\’t accept divorce.\”; \”I already have two children. What will happen to the children after divorce?\”; \”If you must divorce, then you will never Don\’t ever come back…\” The divorce battle lasted for ten years, consuming the best and most youthful time of the two young people, and finally ended in failure and compromise. No one really cares about how tired the two of them have been over the past ten years; no one really stands in their shoes and understands their desire for happiness and warmth; and no one understands the boundaries between parents and children. Understand that marriage is originally a contract between the two of them, and others have no right to interfere. An arrogant, coercive and authoritative order maintains the integrity that the parents want, leaving the two hearts in a formal marriage desolate. What parents want is formal integrity, commonality in collectivism, and a sense of security under the surging tide. So they can accept arranged marriages, go on blind dates, and compromise for the sake of their families and their children; and what we look forward to is whether they can feel happiness in marriage, whether they are self-pleased, and whether they can grow intimately and healthily in a relationship. Wu Zhihong said in \”The Kingdom of Giant Infants\”: The key to forming an individual self is to nurture one\’s feelings. The scary thing about big families is not the abuse, but the denial of feelings. When the child\’s feelings are completely denied, self-individuality becomes impossible to talk about. And what ability and courage does a person who has lost himself have to create happiness? Parents love you not just because of who you are, but often with conditions attached. When you were a child, if you were not good and obedient, your mother might not like you; when you grow up, if you are not promising enough to make your parents look good, they might not treat you; if you do not get married and have children to continue the family line, you might be scolded; You… always have to have so many \”ifs\” and so many conditions to get the hard-won \”love\” from your parents. Psychologically, the two generations have conflicting ideas, left-wing opinions, and divergent values. If children tolerate, retreat and compromise in order to gain recognition and acceptance from their parents, children who grow up in this environment must be full of low self-esteem and to please. The scary thing is that this kind of inferiority and flattery will go deep into a person\’s bone marrow during his or her self-growth. like me. When I was a child, I liked literature. When I was divided into liberal arts and science classes in high school, my parents said that science had a broad direction, so they did not insist on it and studied science. When I applied for a volunteer, I wanted to study literature, but my father said that it would be easier to find a job after learning skills, so I enrolled in engineering. After graduation, I liked literature. Later, the parents felt that the girl was stable and took care of the family, and the system was stable and secure, so they went to school and started working 9 to 5 in a small city. It wasn’t until I started writing articles and slowly reflecting on myself that I gradually realized my own needs and feelings.Only then did I begin to examine the copying of my parents’ ideas on me in the early years, and then I tried to step out of the shackles and be myself. Shao Feng said: Being unsociable means giving up a lot in the face of temptation and interests; being gregarious means making a lot of compromises with oneself. In the intergenerational gap, why not be like this? Obedience means a lot of giving up in the face of self and personality; resistance means a lot of damage to the reputation of the world. The path that parents grew up in during the collective economy period, pasted onto the canvas of today’s continuous reforms, will only become a very abrupt joke and shackles of irreconcilable and constant conflicts. Times are advancing and concepts need to evolve. I hope more parents can recognize and respect their children\’s individual free development and unique growth; I also hope more children can accept the values ​​and thinking of their parents\’ generation. Even if we cannot reflect on ourselves and grow, please do not harm each other.