Do you need help from the elderly to raise an autistic child? What should I do if I don’t agree with the elderly’s ideas?

This topic must be felt by every parent: children are on the spectrum and require parents to put in twice as much effort as ordinary people to raise them. But my parents are not working and I am under great financial pressure. Experts have also said that \”autism intervention\” requires the mobilization of the whole family. There is strength in numbers! Should we ask the elderly to help? However, as good as the imagination is, the situation in reality is completely opposite – among our students, almost no mother reported that they can \”work together\” with the elderly. Small frictions in life are constant, and decisions on major matters are often disrupted. It can be as big as whether to go to an institution, whether to go to kindergarten, whether to enroll in an interest class… as small as chasing after feeding, forcing the child to talk, watching the child\’s every move… Of course, there are \”conflicts of concepts\” in raising spectrum children. \”In front of us, these contradictions are nothing. The most terrible thing is that when young parents want to break through past experiences and traditional concepts through learning and growth, and find a path that truly conforms to the laws of children\’s psychological development, more than 99% of them will be blocked by the older generation. The following cases are all feedback from mothers in group classes: 1. I wanted to resign, but was strongly discouraged. I decided to resign to accompany my children. I made this decision without thinking about it for a day or two. The child has been in an institution for several years, and his whole life is getting darker and darker. Out of a mother\’s instinct, I know that I must make a decision to return to the family. This is the child\’s last retreat and hope. But the child\’s grandmother was very unsupportive. She talked to me several times and asked me to keep going to work. She would take care of the child and be responsible for transporting the child to the institution. I insisted and she got angry and even threatened to leave if I resigned. In the end, I decided to take care of my own children. Only I can be responsible for my own children. 2. A helpless compromise choice. Because both of us have special jobs, it would be difficult to return to work after resigning, so we had to ask our child’s grandmother to help take care of the child. But recently, when I learned \”Parent Awakening\” and gave my children freedom and satisfaction, the conflict with my grandmother gradually escalated. She insisted that children should be disciplined, beaten and scolded when they should be beaten, and if they were allowed to be free, they should be pampered to the heavens. This makes me very painful. I can still take over the child at home without letting her interfere, but when I go to work, I can only accept the fact that she controls the child. 3. The darkest days when I was seriously harassed by my grandma. The darkest days that I have experienced in the past few years were all related to my child’s grandma. After the diagnosis, we went through detours for more than a year, but the child showed no improvement. Later, I met Snow Mom and Niu Dad and participated in a group practice. I completely changed my previous parenting model. Soon the child begins to change. But at this time, the nightmare began. My grandma came from my hometown and forced me to take my child to the hospital almost every day to find a doctor to treat the child. When I disagreed, she cried and made a fuss and attacked me personally. That period of time seriously affected my state. I even started forcing my children to talk and getting angry at them at every turn. As a result, the child who had just shown a verbal outburst was beaten back and never spoke again… After reading the above vivid cases, do you feel the same way? The false illusion of the so-called \”family mobilization\” will probably only occur in one situationThis situation appears: everyone is \”interfering\” with high spirits, busy sending the child to the institution, not letting him idle alone, talking to him all the time, and constantly giving him \”input\”… everyone can only do it in unison. You don\’t care about your children\’s feelings, you only care about your own tasks and goals; whenever you start to consider your children\’s feelings, start to reflect, are your children happy? are you willing? do you need? satisfied? Everyone\’s hearts are at odds. You are the one who awakens first, and you will inevitably become the \”target of public criticism\” – other family members will think that you are obsessed, crazy, and trying to trick the child. Only you know that the child has been tricked by such a strong \”intervention\”. So, when faced with conflicting views among family members, especially conflicts with the elderly, how do you resolve the situation? 01 Get rid of dependence. When any visitor talks to me about the entanglement and pain faced by the elderly in family relationships, I often ask this question first: What is your nuclear family (couple and children) about? Are the elderly dependent? This dependence includes financial, housework, and psychological aspects. This is a very important factor: because we cannot have both. We not only rely on the financial subsidies of the elderly, but also rely on them to share housework and help take care of children, and we also need them to make decisions; we also want to be free from their control, hoping that they will respect their own decisions, and even change their inherent concepts and thoughts to accept our ideas. and methods, work when you should work, shut up when you should shut up, and \”work together\” with us… Why? \”Having both and wanting both\” is an all-powerful narcissistic giant baby mentality. No one in this world, including our parents, can satisfy us as adults by treating us like babies. Therefore, when we face up to and examine our own family, can the elderly be \”freed from dependence?\” If there are certain difficulties, can resources be allocated to solve them more effectively? If you need to make more \”sacrifice\” and give up your current needs and feelings, can you make up your mind? If your answer is: Yes, I can do it, I\’m ready. That\’s great, you\’re a big step closer to solving the problem. At this point, you will understand that living separately from the elderly and returning to their own \”nuclear families\” is the simplest, most direct, but most effective solution. On the contrary, if your answer is: No, I cannot make decisions and must rely on the elderly in some ways. Then, we need to make a psychological construction of ourselves: to depend on others, we must be controlled by others to some extent. This situation is also very common. Everyone and every family are different. Everyone who chooses every path has its reasons and considerations, and they all deserve to be respected. The core is still, if I take this road, how can I walk it as smoothly as possible. 02 Keep the boundaries Next we will discuss the \”boundary\” issue in getting along with the elderly. \”Boundary\” is a psychological term that refers to the boundaries between people. This boundary is intangible and very abstract, but you can feel it. When someone says something or does something that makes you feel uncomfortable – this meansThe other person has violated your boundaries and aroused your emotions. Everyone\’s \”sense of boundaries\” is formed in their family of origin and the interaction pattern with their parents since childhood. If you are often invaded, controlled, attacked, and scolded by your parents since childhood, then this person is likely to grow into a person who cannot keep his own boundaries, and may even actively invite others into his boundaries. Unclear psychological boundaries will lead to tense family relationships and constant internal strife. The only solution to this situation is to find your own boundaries and keep them. He will not give up a single cent of his own city; he will never take a step into the opponent\’s city. For example: Grandma thought that it was unruly for her mother to allow her children to play according to their own ideas and make the house dirty. So she told her mother that she could not indulge her children in this way and must set good rules! Mother’s reaction and response: (First be aware of your own anger – anger comes from the feeling of being attacked) (Try to get out of your emotions and find your own boundaries – I have the final say in the way I raise my children, this is my project , has nothing to do with anyone else) expressed to grandma this way: \”That\’s your idea, and I respect it. But I have my own judgment and ideas about the child\’s affairs. The house is dirty, and I will clean it up when I am free later.\” Such a response not only maintains one\’s own boundaries, but does not cross the other party\’s boundaries; it expresses oneself without hurting others. Moreover, by practicing \”keeping boundaries\” again and again, we will gradually build up our own strong psychological boundaries like iron walls, allowing us to become solid and flexible people. \”Keeping boundaries\” means clarifying what is your own issue, what is your parents\’ issue, and what is your child\’s issue; it means not handing over your own issues to others to take responsibility for; it means not accepting others to overstep the boundaries and dictate matters within your scope; it is Don’t cross the line into other people’s issues, respect and allow them to be who they are. 03 Cutting off intergenerational transmission: Why is \”getting rid of dependence and guarding boundaries\” the only way to break the situation? Because this is our process of cutting off “intergenerational transmission”. Faced with the overstepping, involvement, and interference of the older generation, our generation may instinctively have the following possibilities: 1. Tolerance type: passively choose to endure and suppress their feelings, and dare not express their grievances and anger; But if accumulated for a long time, these negative feelings will not disappear out of thin air. They will only detonate greater conflicts at a certain point, and eventually evolve into mutual attacks and cross the boundaries; 2. When the explosive type feels uncomfortable, they immediately \” The person\’s way is the way to treat the person\’s body\” – go back and have a quarrel. The result is that everyone gets caught up in an emotional whirlpool, especially children, who find it difficult to feel relaxed and safe in a tense family atmosphere. And when children with spectrum disorders encounter poor family relationships, progress and growth are even slimmer. 3. The indirect type considers face issues and does not directly conflict with the partner\’s parents, but often conflicts with the partner because of this issue. Request and expect your partner to \”take sides\” and change the elderly person\’s thoughts and concepts. As a result, the partners do not have the maturity to deal with the relationship, a gap develops in the relationship between husband and wife, and the nuclear family loses its closeness. Do the above types and patterns look familiar? withoutWrong, this is the common pattern of the previous generation that we have heard and witnessed since childhood. If we are not aware and do not seek changes and breakthroughs, we will inevitably become like our parents. And we will inevitably treat our children the same way our parents treat us. This is the powerful inertial force of \”intergenerational transmission\”. Intergenerational transmission is like a high-speed train, rolling forward with lightning speed. And our \”awakening\” is to cut it off, intercept it, let it end here, and not pass on the trauma of generations to the next generation. Written at the end: Finally, I summarize the views of this article into a few practical practices: [1] If possible, please try to physically isolate yourself from the previous generation and live separately; returning to the nuclear family is an inevitable belonging. [2] If you must live together, assign your respective tasks, ask the elderly to be responsible for the housework, and try to be less involved in the raising of spectrum children; [3] Respect the previous generation for who they are now, and do not fantasize about transforming them; [4] Belong to him Give them their freedom regarding matters related to our subject; [5] Please defend your freedom for matters within the scope of our subject; [6] Express \”my\” thoughts and my feelings more; point out \”you\” less, your problem. [7] Be aware of your own \”want and want\” mentality, return to a neutral mentality, and give up when you take something; [8] If the previous generation has given you serious influence and harm, \”escape\” without aggression ” or “avoidance” is also a strategy.