Children who are \”rebellious\” and \”non-rebellious\” in adolescence will lead two different lives 10 years later.

What is it like to have a rebellious adolescent child at home? Every time you look at your baby, you think of two words: idiot. Every time your baby looks at you, three words come to mind: I\’m so annoyed. In short, we are tired of looking at each other and are always on the verge of swearing! Talking is like being possessed by a bully spirit, wishing that he could shoot you three times with just one sentence. Study, even if you scream to death, if you urge me a few more words, you will slam the door and throw the book, triggering the war of the century. In life, he is full of rebellion, he doesn\’t distinguish between good and bad, he quarrels with his parents for everything, and the thunder and fire can explode at any time. Rebellious adolescence is like a sudden thunderstorm. The originally well-behaved child suddenly rebelled and stood on the opposite side of his parents. This leaves many parents at a loss, in great pain, and in panic. However, developmental psychology generally believes that \”rebellious\” adolescence is normal! Adolescence that is “not rebellious” is actually pathological! In \”Rebellion\”, the psychologist Erikson believes that the most important task in adolescence is to obtain \”self-identity\”. That is, children need to form a stable understanding of themselves: Who am I? Who do I want to be? What kind of life do I want to live? Often, this search for self-identity is aggressive. Moreover, the first person a child will attack is his or her parents. Because you are the closest and the most important! Children will demonstrate their strength, challenge your authority, and even try to defeat you. In the process of defeating you step by step, the child discovers strength. During this process, if you have been there all the time and never given up loving your child because of his challenges. Children can understand that it is safe to stretch their strength and develop their abilities. He can go out into the world fearlessly. At the same time, children will continue to expand their behavioral boundaries, explore their own position, and even make dangerous and impulsive attempts. For example, smoking, puppy love, verbal abuse, truancy, etc. The stronger the gene for self-awareness, the more it will push children to try boldly and get rid of adult control. However, too many parents misunderstand this challenging growth as \”rebellion\”. In addition, puberty usually begins around the age of 10-12. This age is exactly the transition period for children’s academic studies. The number of subjects increases, and the pressure to study from primary school to junior high school is huge. Moreover, deficiencies or defects in early family upbringing will also be highlighted at this time. Children\’s instinct to explore themselves, parents\’ misunderstandings, and lack of early nurturing. Under the combined effect of these three factors, parent-child conflicts explode and grow, and are about to break out. But it is these rebellions and conflicts that allow children to complete the acquisition of self-identity; it also allows children to break away from the protection of their parents and become an independent person and go into society. Children who fail to rebel will eventually become \”sick\”. If parents cannot accept rebellion and children cannot gain self-identity, what are the consequences? That child will definitely tear himself apart first, and then the world. Because, for adolescent children, \”who am I\” and \”who calls the shots\” are very important. If you can\’t be yourself, then you would rather be a bad person or a rotten person than a nondescript person. I read a post about a particularly outstanding boy who has been well-behaved and sensible since childhood. In the words of a boy: Ever since I was a child, I have never been rebellious and have always followed the path chosen by my mother.Way to go. From dressing to studying, I obeyed my mother\’s instructions in everything. Once I deviate, my mother will scold me like crazy and force me back to the path she chose. When I was in the second grade of junior high school, I loved astronomy and always went to the planetarium. My mother didn’t allow it, so she and my father smashed all my models. I know that it is useless to say anything, and I can\’t fight no matter how hard I try, so I can only continue to study hard. When he was in the third grade of junior high school, the boy\’s high school entrance examination was over and he did very well. But in the end, the child jumped off the building the day before the first year of high school. His parents found it unbelievable and couldn\’t bear it, so they burst into tears. Why? Because he was used to listening to his parents and his mother\’s arrangements, and he was overwhelmed when he heard it. This child never had the opportunity to explore his true self and do what he really wanted to do. In psychology, if a child has always been well-behaved, not rebellious, and not causing trouble, it is called \”identical synostosis.\” Such children have obeyed their parents\’ wishes since childhood, excelled all the way, and lived like other people\’s children. But when they grow up, they often feel empty and confused inside, unable to find their own value or the meaning of life. This is what Professor Xu Kaiwen calls hollow core disease. Some children may be well-behaved during adolescence, but their rebellious phase arrives late. This is called \”identity delay.\” Such children will stay away from their parents as adults and spend their lives \”rebellious\”, such as cutting off relationships, moving away from home, frequently cheating, etc. Do you still remember Wang Meng, who studied in the United States for a master\’s degree? He did not go home for the Chinese New Year for 12 years, blocked his parents for six years, and severed all relations with them. This is, identity is delayed. All children who were obedient in adolescence and were forced to obey their parents without rebelliousness will eventually explode in another way. As adults, they often rebel in a longer and more severe way to find their own \”self-identity.\” Skipping adolescence will lead to a period of rebellion every day of adulthood. The impact of \”self-identity\” on children\’s lives is much more profound than we imagine. So, how can parents help their children establish self-identity? I summarized three aspects: 1. Let your children make the decision. When you are responsible for controlling everything, you are actually preventing your children from developing themselves. No matter how young a child is, you have to give him the freedom to make his own decisions. This kind of freedom can be big or small, but it must be there: a 3-year-old child has the freedom to choose toys; a 6-year-old child has the freedom to choose which cartoon to watch; a 10-year-old child has the freedom to choose the homework for the day ; An 18-year-old child has the freedom to choose which major and which university to attend; a 23-year-old child has the freedom to choose a romantic partner. As children grow, their autonomy should increase year by year. Only under the premise of autonomy can the self fully develop. 2. When children make mistakes, judge less and give more positive feedback. The \”self\” is invisible, and children must rely on feedback from the outside world to establish themselves. Every positive feedback you give helps your child build self-identity. Especially when your children make mistakes, you must keep your mouth shut and don\’t humiliate or belittle them. Psychologist Li Zixun once said: Children make mistakes because of their development needs. In the constant \”making mistakes\”, children continue to explore the ways in which they can survive.Territory, this kind of \”mistake\”, constantly increases the child\’s experience and leads the child to confirm himself. In addition, parents, as leaders, must have the ability to see the bright spots of their children. Because children themselves are not aware of many of their shining points. When parents see their children’s shining points and express their appreciation, the children will feel seen and cared about. From the eyes of his parents, he understood what kind of person he was. The gaze of parents is an important channel for children to establish self-identity. 3. Take your children to see all kinds of life. To be honest, the current education evaluation system is very single. However, the more this happens, the more you must let your children understand: there are many ways to live in life. It doesn’t mean that if you can’t get into high school, you are a waste; it doesn’t mean that you can’t get into college, you have no future. In daily life, take your children to see the real world and real life. Whether you are a chef or building an airplane, the important thing is to live your life!