A mother\’s regret medicine: The chicken baby makes me gain as much admiration as it costs me…

After being a mother for so many years, my deepest feeling is: after raising a baby, I become \”you\”. Before giving birth to a baby, many people would almost calmly say that they should calm down about the phenomenon of chicken babies. But when the child is born and in the process of raising the child, most of them begin to understand other parents, and they will unconsciously follow the involution trend and slowly live like others. The learning challenges faced by children today are no less challenging than the workplace struggles we adults face. Homework, cram schools, interest classes, high school entrance exams, college entrance exams, employment… Children are faced with pressure in waves, and none of them can stop them. Parents are afraid that their children will lose at the starting line, and \”drive\” their children to small finishing points like shepherds; children struggle desperately to meet their parents\’ expectations and plans, completing one run after another without self-will and goals. But at a certain moment, I suddenly stopped and looked back, only to realize that the parents and children had already been transformed beyond recognition by this trip full of anxiety and fear… Behind every parent who desperately wanted to have a baby, there was a \”can\’t let go\” \”The China Youth Daily published a true story about a chicken baby mother and daughter. The queen of daughters has an appetite. When she was a child, she climbed mountains and trees, looked at every plant and tree, and identified the Big Dipper. Later, he entered a key primary school in Chaoyang District. There are many students among her classmates who have more than 1,500 words and can recite 300 Tang poems. However, her teacher suspected ADHD because she was so active. Unable to accept the high-pressure pace of study, she didn\’t have time to take a breath and caught up with the first wave of computer scribing pilots in Beijing. In order to rush into the target school, she attended 9 courses a day and attended training classes non-stop, which became her daily routine. Recalling that time, she said that she was cut and shaped like butter. She also asked her mother why she had to work so hard. Her mother said: \”If you get into a good junior high school, you can get into a good high school, and then you can get into a good university.\” I can find a good job.\” After being pushed out by her mother, she was not admitted to the ideal junior high school as she wished, but she was eventually admitted to Beijing No. 4 Middle School. After that, he studied biology on his own and shot documentaries with his classmates. He was admitted to the directing department of Beijing Film Academy with first place and went to work abroad. That period was also her mother\’s highlight moment. The desperate chicken baby made her appear on the \”Excellent Parents List\”. She shared her experience many times in her speeches: \”Education is like herding sheep. We must be shepherds with the same purpose and drive our children to key schools in Beijing.\” \”Point! Point! The lifeblood of the student!\” \”If you make your child feel extraordinary, she will naturally strive for excellence and excellence.\” However, many years later, my daughter developed emotional and psychological problems, and even became a child. After jumping into the sea, looking back on the past, the mother gradually understood the problem. When her daughter was just born, she, like all mothers in the world, wanted to give all her love to her daughter. It was also during that time that her daughter spent a happy childhood. But as her daughter grew up, the comments from teachers and others around her made her begin to doubt whether her \”free-range\” approach to her daughter was correct. Now that she is middle-aged, she is faced with the pressure of work and parenting, which gradually makes her breathless. Looking back on her childhood, this mother recalled what her mother once said: \”You are a girl.If you don’t work hard, what will you do in the future? \”Back then, she grew up under the admonitions of her mother before going to college. While recalling her growth experience and looking at the cruelty of competition today, she decided to start treating her daughter just like her mother had done to herself. Even after her daughter After being admitted to No. 4 Middle School, she thought she might be able to go to Tsinghua University and Peking University. Even though she was later shocked by the advanced educational concepts of Daoyuan Class in No. 4 Middle School, she still managed to bring her daughter back to her plan of being a little girl: “Mom can’t be a social elite, it’s too late to get rich, and you can’t compete with your classmates’ parents, so you have to work hard and don’t be like me in the future. Unexpectedly, my daughter said, \”Why don\’t you start working hard now?\” I\’m 30 years old before I enter the grade. What can you do for me? \”I was speechless. It was written in \”Child Development\” that people have a \”group effect.\” That is to say, the way to determine the characteristics of a certain group does not necessarily depend on their age, but more It depends on whether they have the same birth environment, era background, educational resources, etc. Each person\’s way of thinking and inner principles are largely imprinted by the times. Many people\’s middle-aged parents have the deepest educational philosophy. Most of the standards come from the era in which he lived, and are not absolutely in keeping with the times and in line with the current generation of children. As Professor Chu Yin once said, today’s children are the Internet generation and are faced with a huge amount of information. This is something we never dared to think about before. You are still telling them that if they study hard and grow up, they will not have to endure hardship. They are already thinking about what nihilism is. We cannot impose it on today\’s children with outdated experience. Once their parents\’ pattern makes them mistakenly believe that they are narrow-minded, they will inevitably engage in confrontational behavior. The only difference is whether the conflict breaks out sooner or later. Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said: \”Parents always want to \’treat\’ their children, but they don\’t know that the child is just a symptom. The problem stems from the parents themselves. \”There are regrets no matter how you take the road of raising children. If parents fail to handle their own anxieties and fears, their children will spend their entire lives paying for it. What parents want is the result and what the children can support is the whole process. Someone asked on Zhihu: What will happen to those children who have been fucked since childhood? Someone answered: How crazy they were when they were fucked when they were young, and how desperate they are when they try to heal themselves when they grow up. \”The gift given by fate has already been marked in secret.\” price. \”As this mother said, when she first tried to have a baby, her original intention for her daughter was a good university and a good job. But what she didn\’t expect was that when she thought everything was settled and she had reached the end of happiness, , all the sweet dreams came to an abrupt end. One morning, she suddenly received a crying call from her daughter from abroad: \”Mom, I don\’t want to live anymore, living is meaningless. \”It\’s just a miserable life, meaningless!\” \”I can\’t control myself a little bit.\” \”It wasn\’t until later that she found out that her daughter was planning to jump into the sea after calling her. Fortunately, the deck was sealed due to weather, so she had the chance to see her daughter again. And the most worrying thing is that all of this happened later. She only learned this from her daughter, who almost jumped from the Thames River in London many times after she failed to jump off the boat.Wasteful. I want to see the sunrise and the flowers bloom, I want to meet some interesting people and understand some truths. My life is not a continuation of my parents, nor a prequel to my children. \”What really supports a child\’s entire life is that they understand why they live. Educating a child who is desperate for the meaning of life is definitely not the original intention of being a parent. But this girl, by that time, had already developed a sense of the meaning of her life. Doubtful. Later, during the time when she was with her daughter to treat depression, during countless hard nights, this mother reflected on herself again and again: In order for her daughter not to be distracted from studying, she did not let her daughter help with any housework. She would also refuse requests to buy a pot of flowers; even when her daughter wanted to give alms to beggars, she would use \”people have different levels of poverty\” to encourage her to work hard; when her daughter confided in her about her stress and sadness, she threw her daughter\’s There were only cold criticisms and accusations; her daughter was isolated by her classmates, and she blamed her daughter for not looking for problems in herself… Her daughter had approached her countless times, but every time her response was empty. The past was like a spinning top, constantly living under the \”pushing\” of the mother. When one day the daughter grew up and no longer needed the \”whipping\” of the mother, she realized that she had no goal or direction at all. The daughter has just grown into an adult. Looking back, her mother has \”successfully retired\” and is no longer her support; looking forward, her daughter, who is used to living according to her mother\’s plans, has long forgotten that her inner voice is What, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where to go. Of course, all this does not mean that her daughter’s education is all bad. Her daughter will later say in her book that she is very grateful to her mother for giving her. Although she had encouraged her at the beginning, the consequences of overdoing it had almost put her and her daughter in catastrophe. Some people once said that children will sacrifice their lives to prove their parents\’ fault, and what parents want is the result. It is the children who support the whole process. While we rejoice over our \”wise decisions\”, we cannot see the scars left on our children. The highest level of parenting is to raise self-consistent children. It was pointed out in \”The Awakening of the Family\” that everyone has a \”self\” and a \”true self\”. \”Self\” is an irrational side, an illusion that is easily produced under emotional control, and manifests itself as a desire for control; The true self is the true side, a true personality that is true to oneself. Only parents with the \”true self\” can raise children with the \”true self\”. However, the current situation in many families is that parents are influenced by the external environment. Bound by inner fears, own anxiety and cognitive limitations, the false \”self\” becomes the leader in educating children. To describe it vividly in one sentence: \”Parents who are out of control raise crazy children.\” \”There is a saying that only self-consistent parents can raise self-consistent children. Self-consistency means true understanding and true acceptance. Only when parents recognize the true fears in their hearts and accept that their children are living individuals different from themselves can they It is possible to create a new spark of life, just like the mother mentioned above, after reflecting on her excessive behavior towards her daughter., she discovered that she had squeezed all her daughter\’s childhood, and it was actually her own fears and worries about the future that paid for it. Later, the mother and her daughter began to look for ways to help her daughter heal herself. The daughter would make animal-shaped cakes, use frosting to paint clothes on the baked cookies, and then give them to good friends. She would also encourage her daughter to make cakes that she liked at first. Pick up writing, write a diary like you did when you were a child, and record the little things every day… The things she once didn\’t let her daughter do, when she grew up, her daughter now picked them up again one by one. Now her greatest wish is just to hope that her daughter can regain her physical and mental health. You see, in the end, all the paths we thought we had bypassed when we were crazy chicken kids will be made up for in the end. The biggest gap in a person\’s life is not origin, appearance, gender, or knowledge, but perception. Parents are the leaders of their children. The cognition of the \”pilot\” determines the direction of the following \”ship\” and the final navigation target that can be reached. The higher parents can stand and how far they can see, the less detours their children will take in their future.