There are some things you should never say to your children

Imagine that when you and your child reverse roles, which of the following two ways of speaking is more acceptable to you? When you get up a little late in the morning, your parents urge you sternly: \”Hurry up, I\’m procrastinating again, do you want to be late today?\” Another kind whispers: \”It\’s a new day, full of hope, ready to set off.\” When you are immersed in TV, your parents interrupt you rudely and scold you: \”Just watch TV and do nothing else. If you watch TV, you will go blind!\” Another kind is a gentle reminder: \”TV and eyes are both important.\” If you need a break, can you turn off the TV and give them a holiday? \”…Obviously, we will be more inclined to gentle and loving words rather than negative words and deeds such as denial, criticism or sarcasm. Language, as a bridge of communication, is not only about transmitting information, but also about shaping children\’s personality and influencing their values. Only by speaking well can we be more deeply rooted in people\’s hearts and promote the healthy growth of children. As psychologist Adler said, inappropriate words and deeds suffered in childhood often become a breeding ground for low self-esteem and frustration. Therefore, parents should always review their words and deeds. In particular, do not say the following 4 words, lest inappropriate words and deeds become a sharp blade and sting your child\’s heart. If you love labeling, it will damage your child\’s self-confidence. In daily life, there are many parents who habitually label their children, such as \”coward\”, \”too lazy\” or \”procrastinator\”. These words may deepen children\’s recognition of their own shortcomings, causing them to fall into self-denial and lack of self-confidence, thinking that they are inferior to others. Psychologist Li Xinyi believes that labeling children with negative labels is tantamount to invisible trauma in the soul, and can even become a curse that restrains children from moving forward. I once interviewed a food blogger who admitted that deep down he was actually a person with low self-esteem. This stems from the fact that when he was growing up, he frequently encountered negative labels from his mother and was not recognized. Whenever he failed to pass the test when he was studying, his mother\’s scolding was like a sharp knife coming out of its sheath: \”Why are you so stupid? You can\’t even pass the test. Look at how good others are!\” His mother was even more merciless about his dream of painting that he loved when he was young. Mie: \”You don\’t have the talent for painting, wake up, you can\’t make a living from that.\” As an adult, faced with career challenges and transition choices, he chose to pursue a baking career, but was once again questioned and denied by his mother. Even the cake I made for my mother by hand failed to win her approval. Instead, she just said \”it tastes bad\” and \”you can\’t do it, you should go back to work\”. These experiences hit him like a heavy hammer, causing him to open up a world in the field of food in the future, but he still had the shadow of being denied and beaten deep in his heart, and his self-confidence was often shaken. Parents love to put negative labels, which is an invisible sword that erodes children\’s self-confidence and is by no means a way to motivate. A study from Harvard University confirmed that children who have been negatively labeled for a long time are prone to have their self-confidence frustrated and even develop psychological problems. Every child is unique and has different growth trajectories and rhythms. Parents should be cautious in their words and deeds, avoid labeling them casually, and instead use respectful and encouraging methods to help their children build a positive self-perception. It also allows children to grow into confident, courageous and powerful people in love and trust. If you sell miserably and cry for poverty, then disappearWeak children’s sense of security Some people say that true wealth does not lie in how much wealth you have, but in your inner abundance and sense of security. The same goes for raising children. It is particularly important to implant a stable sense of security in children\’s hearts. With this invisible shield, children will have a foundation of certainty and confidence, and will also learn to be tenacious and calm in the face of wind and rain. Regrettably, many parents mistakenly regard \”crying poverty after being miserable\” as a good educational method to stimulate their children\’s motivation to work hard. As everyone knows, this is tantamount to planting inferiority and sensitivity in the child\’s heart, and also weakening the child\’s sense of security. I have a friend who is extremely capable. Although he is quite good at making money, he is extremely cautious when it comes to spending. She admitted that it was mainly due to a lack of security and also stemmed from her experiences growing up. In fact, her family is not short of money, as her parents run a company, but despite this, she still did not escape the pressure of her parents to \”sell miserably and cry poverty\”. Her parents often told her: All the efforts and sacrifices we have made are for your future. You must work harder and live up to your expectations. When she wanted a certain toy as a child, the response she got was: \”This thing is too expensive. It\’s not easy for us to make money. You have to learn to understand and be sensible.\” These words ostensibly taught her to learn frugality and Being considerate is actually like an invisible \”emotional shackles\” that binds her. As time went by, she gradually blamed herself for her parents\’ difficulties, and her heart was filled with self-blame and uneasiness. Therefore, even though she now has a certain financial foundation, the lack and insecurity in her bones are still with her. The education method of \”suffering misfortune and crying for poverty\” is essentially a kind of emotional kidnapping. Parents may intend to awaken their children\’s empathy and sense of responsibility, but their underlying motivation is often to control their children\’s behavior by showing their own sense of difficulty and sacrifice. Psychologist Wu Zhihong explains the truth in one sentence: It is a very common strategy in Chinese families to create a sense of guilt in the other person through self-sacrifice, and then use this to force the other party to obey. The negative effects of this education method cannot be ignored. Because this will make the children feel guilty and uneasy, and they will also feel that their parents do not truly love them. The key to building a healthy relationship between parents and children is equality and understanding. Parents can honestly share the hard work and efforts behind their achievements, and guide their children to realize that everyone needs unremitting efforts to achieve success and happiness. The true meaning of raising children is not only to cultivate excellent people, but also to create a soul with a strong heart, full of security, and the courage to pursue dreams. Reprimanding in public will hurt the child\’s self-esteem. When I went to the supermarket last week, I saw a mother scolding her child loudly because her child accidentally spilled a carton of milk: \”Why are you so careless! Look at the good thing you did!\” Child His face turned pale with fright, tears welled up in his eyes, and he stood there helplessly. Coincidentally, situations like this often occur at family gatherings or at the dinner table. For example, if a child takes a few more bites of his favorite dish, his parents will reprimand him on the spot: \”Look at you, the guests are still here. You are so unruly. Shame on you!” Reprimanding a child in public may appear to be an attempt to regulate the child’s behavior, but in reality it is a simple and crude form of teaching.education method. It ignores the child\’s psychological feelings and self-esteem needs, and invisibly hurts the child\’s self-esteem. It is mentioned in the book \”Children\’s Time Management Training Manual\”: When children make mistakes, parents should adopt a gentle but firm attitude, communicate with their children privately, and guide their children to recognize their mistakes instead of severely criticizing them in front of everyone. In the movie \”Springtime of the Cowherd Class\”, teacher Clement Mathieu faced a group of children who were marginalized by society and behaved badly. He did not choose simple and crude punishment or public reprimand, but treated them with a soft heart. Treat children and influence them with music and love. Because he knows that there is an unknown story behind every child. It is this understanding and respect that allows the children to regain their dignity and ultimately achieve self-salvation and growth. Every child grows up making mistakes and making corrections. What they need is guidance and understanding rather than public humiliation and criticism. A gentle and patient communication method will make children feel loved and respected. If it\’s \”for your own good\”, I\’m depriving my children of their right to choose. This is all for your own good. Look, mom has everything planned for you. Do as your father says. Do these words often linger in your ears? Parents use the excuse of \”for your own good\” to reduce their children to executors without autonomy. Although this love seems selfless, it actually deprives children of the right to explore themselves and make choices. Reminding me of a TV series \”Little Joy\” I watched a few years ago, one scene was particularly profound. The depressed Qiao Yingzi climbed onto the railing of the bridge and attempted to commit suicide by jumping into the sea. But at this time, my mother was still thinking \”for your own good\”. Yingzi\’s mother screamed hoarse: \”What did I force you to do?\” \”I just don\’t understand why you have to go to Nanda University.\” \”Mom is doing this for your own good.\” Yingzi\’s response was deafening: \”You have always been Your thoughts determine my life. \”Yes, you just want to be good for me! But that\’s what you think.\” \”Have you ever thought about what I want in my heart?\” And this conflict suddenly broke out. , in fact, it has already laid the foundation for the daily relationship between mother and daughter. After Yingzi\’s parents divorced, her mother quit her job at school and focused all her attention on her daughter. Yingzi also understands her mother\’s difficulties. She works hard to make progress and repays her mother\’s love with excellent academic performance. However, as the college entrance examination approaches, this love gradually evolves into suffocating high-pressure management. Yingzi\’s life is filled with strict schedules, leaving no chance to breathe. Yingzi\’s love for astronomy and yearning for her favorite university were ruthlessly denied in the name of her mother\’s \”good for you\”, imprisoning Yingzi\’s dreams and freedom of choice. And this became the last straw that broke Yingzi\’s psychological defense, causing her to fall into depression and even have the extreme idea of ​​jumping into the sea, which triggered the thrilling scene at the beginning. The conflict between Yingzi and her mother is the epitome of parent-child conflicts in countless families. These three words \”for your own good\” are not malicious at all. But once it becomes a reason for control and deprivation, it becomes a sharp blade that can hurt people invisible. It also reflects the inner desire for control and anxiety of parents, who try to use their own experience as a ruler to measure a \”perfect and smooth\” path for their children. However, this path may not be what the child really wants.It may not be suitable for them either. Psychology expert Wu Zhihong has repeatedly advocated: Don’t arrange every detail for your children, respect your children and let them learn to choose their own lives. Every child is a unique individual with their own interests, dreams and pursuits, and should be given the freedom to explore themselves and pursue their dreams. Therefore, if parents plan their children\’s life in the name of \”for your own good\”, it will often backfire. The role of parents should be to guide rather than decide, to accompany rather than control. As the poet Gibran said: Your children are not actually your children. They came to this world through you, but not because of you. They are by your side, but they do not belong to you. What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts, because they have their own thoughts. Therefore, parents must learn to let go and let their children choose their own path with an open and tolerant mind. Even if the future is full of ups and downs, it is better than a planned life. I really like Rabindranath Tagore\’s words: \”It is not the blow of the mallet, but the singing and dancing of the water that makes the pebbles perfect.\” When children grow up, those hurtful words are tantamount to the \”strike of the mallet.\” Leaving undue cracks deep in my heart. Only by speaking well, replacing hurt with love, and conveying more positive hints to children can parents truly get into their children\’s hearts. The love and encouragement from parents will also become the most solid armor for children in their life journey. No matter whether the future is rough or sluggish, children will have the courage to overcome obstacles, explore the unknown and vast world, and achieve the life they want.