90% of parents have said these five things that children hate the most. How many have you said (parents please check yourself)

There is a question and answer on Zhihu: \”What is the one thing that hurts you the most from your parents?\” Several of the highly praised answers are related to what your parents said: you didn\’t do well in the exam and were scolded: \”You know how to eat all day long. Your brain is dumber than that of a pig!\” When things don\’t go well, they are criticized: \”Why did I give birth to such a useless thing like you!\” When talking about the future, they are questioned: \”What future can you have?\”… I believe everyone. Adults will feel heartbroken and uncomfortable when they see these words. What\’s more, what about little children? They value their parents’ words more than anything else, and they will also use their parents’ words to view their own lives. As psychologist Dr. Susan Forward said: \”Children can\’t distinguish between facts and jokes. They will believe what their parents say about them and turn it into their own ideas.\” Good words can Help children build self-confidence and inspire more potential and motivation; while negative words can make children feel frustrated, helpless and disappointed, making them doubt their own abilities and value. The following five sentences are harmful rather than helpful to children. I hope parents will not say a word. \”Why are you crying? Do you still have the nerve to cry?\” At eight o\’clock in the evening, a child\’s cry came from next door, followed by the mother\’s stern voice: \”Why are you crying? Do you still have the nerve to cry? You can answer such a simple question \”Wrong.\” \”If you don\’t get these questions right tonight, don\’t sleep.\” The cry was suppressed and turned into a slight sob. \”Why are you still lingering? Hurry up and read the examples.\” Mom then urged. Can\’t help but feel pity for that child. It\’s not because of the hard work of studying, but because I feel that children at such a young age must learn to suppress their emotions. I am reminded of what psychologist Deborah McNamara said: \”When a child cries, he should be allowed to vent his emotions instead of forcibly stopping it. Because crying itself is harmless, stopping it is.\” Crying It is a way for children to release their grievances and pressure. If these negative emotions are not released, children will become inferior, timid, closed-off, and even depressed. Once upon a time, we were also asked: If we fell: \”It doesn\’t hurt, don\’t hurt, get up!\” When we were injured: \”You are a man, you can\’t cry!\” When we were sad: \”It\’s a big deal, doesn\’t it matter!\” So, we forcefully I held back my tears, pretended to be strong, and began to learn to hide my emotions, but I was lonely and painful inside. Psychology says: Emotions always take priority, and there is no right or wrong. They are just the true reactions of our inner world. Only by releasing bad emotions can you stay healthy physically and mentally. And crying is the most direct way for children to release their emotions. Therefore, parents should not stop their children from crying because they are irritable. Instead, they should wait for their children to calm down before comforting and actively guiding them. When children see that their emotions are accepted and valued, they will feel safe and understand their parents\’ painstaking efforts. \”Look at XXX…\” There is an episode of the variety show \”Youth Talk\” that is very impressive. A girl complained that her mother always compares herself with her cousin, and the words she talks about every day are \”Look at your cousin…\”. The girl admitted that her cousin was very good, but she also had her own good points. She is willing to help her mother wash the dishes, and she often wakes up early and stays up late at nightStudy, but my mother never sees this. What the girl has always longed for is a compliment from her mother, but she never got it. China News Network once launched a poll, the content of which was: Which of these words do you hate hearing the most? As a result, 128,000 people chose \”Look at other people\’s children\”, accounting for almost half of the total number of voters. It can be seen how deeply this sentence hurts the child. Maybe the parents’ original intention is to encourage their children to make progress. But this kind of comparison virtually negates all the children\’s previous efforts. Not only will it destroy the child\’s self-confidence, but it will also easily cause the child to have a rebellious and confrontational mentality, and simply \”break the can and break the pot\”. Writer Zhang Jiawei once said: \”The worst education is not to be poor in material terms, but to emphasize the advantages and disadvantages of contrasts and gaps, constantly reminding children that \’your situation is very bad\’, which is far worse than being poor.\” Instead of using \”comparison\” to motivate children, it is better to give them more positive encouragement. Usually, you should praise your children\’s merits and affirm their efforts. For the bad aspects, use words such as \”I know…\” \”I hope…\” \”I believe…\” to understand and encourage children. With the recognition and support of parents, children will be confident and constantly surpass themselves. \”It\’s useless if you can\’t do such a small thing well.\” Do you often criticize your children like this in life? \”I\’ve told you so many times, but I just can\’t remember.\” \”Why are you so stupid? You can\’t do anything well.\” \”You can\’t do such a small thing well, it\’s really useless\”… This kind of \”hating iron can\’t make steel\” \”The complaint is just a temporary emotional vent for parents, but for the child, it is a kind of denial of ability. Not only will it hurt the children\’s self-esteem, but it will also make them feel that their parents despise them and that they are not loved. Maslow\’s needs theory says that everyone has \”esteem needs\” and \”self-actualization needs.\” When parents accuse their children of \”doing nothing well\” and being \”useless\”, their children\’s self-esteem and sense of worth will be hit. Over time, self-doubt and disgust will arise, and you will feel that you are a \”useless person\”, thereby setting limits on yourself. If you want your children to make progress, don\’t criticize and accuse them blindly, but learn to use affirmative language to help your children build self-esteem and self-confidence. For example: \”It doesn\’t matter, be careful next time.\” \”You have done a good job, but you can do better.\” \”You are much better than I was when I was a child.\”… These words will inspire children to be competitive. In order to get praise from their parents, they will work hard to do better. “If I say no, I just can’t.” A few days ago I was a guest at a friend’s house. As soon as I walked in, I saw my friend\’s daughter looking very angry. I couldn\’t help but feel strange. Not only did this child have good grades, but she also had a well-behaved personality. What happened today? My friend said: \”Don\’t pay attention to her, just to get angry with me. I will take the high school entrance examination next year, so I have to sign up for a dance class. It will delay my studies.\” \”It\’s good for girls to learn dance. It can improve their temperament.\” I said casually. One sentence. \”That\’s right, and I\’m only going to dance on weekends, so it won\’t affect my studies.\” When the child saw someone supporting him, he quickly fought for himself. But the friend lowered his face and said in a strong tone: \”Just give up on this. If I say no, I can\’t.\” The child stopped talking., entered the room with a lonely expression. When their children make some requests, some parents will \”finally decide\” according to their own ideas without discussing it with their children at all. The children can only obey unconditionally. However, obedience does not mean belief. Although children are forced by the authority of their parents and do not dare to openly disobey, they have accumulated countless grievances and dissatisfaction in their hearts. If things go on like this, it is easy to form two extremes. One is to constantly suppress one\’s own needs and feelings, gradually losing the ability to be independent and independent, and forming a dependent character; the other is to turn increasing dissatisfaction into opposition and conflict with parents, affecting the parent-child relationship. Although parents’ starting point is for their children’s good, sometimes it is inevitable that they have their own limitations in thinking. When encountering differences, you should also listen to your children\’s thoughts and opinions and give them the right to choose appropriately. Even if you refuse, you should give your reasons and use a gentle way, rather than a simple and crude \”one word\”. \”I\’m doing this all for your own good\” has such a scene in the TV series \”Cheng Huan Ji\”. Mai Chenghuan\’s mother told her that her aunt was here and asked her to dress up and go to the hotel for dinner. But when Mai Chenghuan opened the door, he saw a room full of people. It turned out that Mai’s mother planned her daughter’s engagement party with the groom’s family without her daughter’s consent. But before that, Mai Chenghuan had already chosen to break up because of her boyfriend\’s irresponsibility and his family\’s arrogance and contempt. As a result, the daughter, who had always been obedient, finally couldn\’t bear it anymore, expressed all the grievances she had been harboring in her heart, and moved out of the house. Only then did Mama Mai begin to reflect. The most common mistake parents make is to interfere in their children\’s lives self-righteously under the banner of \”for your own good\”. As everyone knows, such \”goodness\” has evolved into a kind of \”control\”, making children feel heavy and suffocated. To truly be good to our children is not to plan everything for them, nor to let them develop according to our expectations, but to learn to let go and let them be themselves with peace of mind. When children face choices, parents can give advice, but cannot make decisions for them. Children have the right to make their own choices, so that they can become more determined and confident on the road to growth. Loving children begins with \”selective speaking.\” The famous educator Herbert Spencer said: \”When children are in a family atmosphere of understanding, respect, and encouragement, their trust in their parents will double, and their trust in their parents will double. It will give him more motivation to grow. \”Spiritual upbringing is more important than material upbringing. A word from a parent can be a motivation for a child, or it can also be a pain in the child\’s life. Parents truly love their children, starting from \”selective speaking\”. Try to avoid saying rude, destructive and negative words to your children, and instead say more gentle, encouraging and supportive words. When children feel the love and tolerance from their parents, changes will happen quietly. 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