Destroy your child’s inner drive, start by accompanying your child to do homework

Today’s article comes from a mother. Here’s what happened: Two days ago, my best friend and I cried and complained that our son was driving us crazy. A poem, my son memorized it for a while, and he was dazed for a while, but he couldn\’t recite it for an hour after turning it over and over; he had to wait until 11 o\’clock to finish the homework that could be completed in one hour; in the last test, my son fell from the middle to the bottom. Tenth, his best friend asked him why he had regressed so much. Not only did he not feel guilty at all, but he said plausibly: \”Aren\’t there 9 more people behind me? What are you afraid of?\” The best friend was so angry that her blood pressure soared, and she said, \”For him , I specifically quit my job and stayed at home to study with him, which was good for him. The more I worried about him, the less he cared about it and didn\’t realize it at all. \”In fact, there are no children who are born not to love learning, only parents who don\’t know how to educate. The famous psychologist Huang Shiming once pointed out that children\’s internal drive mainly stems from three very important emotional forces: sense of autonomy, sense of trust, and sense of value. And parents watching over homework is the fastest way to destroy these three senses. Many parents think that if they don’t keep an eye on their homework, their children will become unconscious. If you don’t accompany them when studying, your children will not be active. But they don’t know that the longer they stay with school, the closer their parents’ role is to that of an overseer. Which child would like an overseer? How to cultivate good habits in children from 0-1, how to learn in October? Come to Xianba\’s live broadcast room, listen to what he has to say, and click to make an appointment. 01Children’s educator Yang Jie once shared a case. When the boy first entered the first grade, his mother watched him do his homework every day. The boy felt irritable. When doing his homework, he always fumbled here and there, and would not move unless his mother urged him. As time passed, he simply ignored his mother\’s urging and ran and played on his own. He kept putting off the homework that should have taken less time to complete. The mother was so angry that she had no choice but to take action, but the more violent she became, the more the child acted against her. If his mother hits him once, he will hit her twice. In fact, mother and son often struggled all night, but the child didn\’t write a word. Psychologist Li Xue once said: \”External drive can also drive a person, but the feelings it brings are competition, pain and internal friction.\” Once children find that they are being monitored and urged, they will stimulate a rebellious psychology. If the child does not cooperate, the parents will yell, accuse, and beat him. The more parents want to control, the more out of control they get, ultimately destroying their children\’s interest in learning. In \”Super Parent\” there is a boy named Long Wei, who is sunny and cheerful. Not only is he good at playing games, but he also won the local championship in skating. His eyes always sparkle when he talks about the things he likes. Only when it comes to studying, he immediately wilts. It turned out that every time he did his homework, his mother would stay by his side. He wrote with fear, and all the time he should have spent on studying was spent on observing words and emotions. His mother sighed, and he became nervous unconsciously. The louder his mother\’s voice was, the more his mind went blank and he couldn\’t do anything. During the whole process, he was either worried about making mistakes or afraid that his mother would scold him. Because of frequent distractions, my mother became even more angry. If things go on like this, a vicious circle is formed: the more parents accompany → the more nervous the child becomes and makes mistakes → the angrier the parents become → the deeper the child sinks into self-denial. Let me ask, if a child only feels negation, helplessness, and pain when studying, how can he surrender?Enter study? How do you fall in love with learning? The mother also admitted that her son was still willing to study in the first grade, but now he is getting worse and worse. He often falls behind in exams and even gives up on himself. Teacher Yin Jianli said: \”In education, if you want a child to reject something, force him to do it.\” Children have no internal drive, and their parents often accompany them in the writing process, which spoils the child\’s appetite for homework in the first place. Nagging and urging reinforces the child’s procrastination behavior. Accusing and scolding deepens children\’s sense of powerlessness in learning. Rough beatings and scoldings destroy a child\’s self-esteem and self-confidence. When doing homework is equivalent to being punished, children will never be able to take initiative. 02 Being passive will only cause pain, while being active will inspire love. The program \”Children Have the Final Word\” once discussed the topic of \”should parents accompany their children to do homework?\” One of them, a mother named Guo Yi, was determined not to accompany her. Because she was once a victim of doing homework: no matter how hard she talked, explained patiently, and controlled her emotions, it would eventually turn into a hoarse voice, a hideous face, and a powerless… The child was injured, and she was also tired. So she had no choice but to give up and let her daughter manage herself. If she couldn\’t finish her homework because she was taking too long, she would let her daughter explain to the teacher the next day. She also allowed her daughter to make mistakes in questions or even fail to do them, and made her daughter responsible for her own learning. Of course, she didn\’t just let it go. Instead, she worked with her daughter to formulate homework rules to help her daughter regulate herself. The process of letting go was difficult, but after a period of time, my daughter became more and more active, thinking about problem-solving ideas and planning study time for various subjects. Because she gradually mastered learning skills, her daughter\’s grades continued to improve. This sense of accomplishment in turn gave her more motivation, thus entering a positive cycle of learning. I can’t help but think of what Teacher Fan Deng said. Parents of a large number of outstanding children have one thing in common, which is to know how to let go and let their children take responsibility for their own homework. Some parents may not understand why their children become more conscious and self-disciplined without accompanying them? This is because human behavioral motivations are divided into intrinsic motivations and extrinsic motivations. The presence of parents will make the child feel that this is what the parents ask him to do, that studying is for his parents, and that his motivation for doing homework comes from external pressure. If parents let go, the child will feel that homework is his own business and will do it consciously and proactively, and his internal drive will be stimulated. Fu Zicong, the top scorer in Yantai\’s college entrance examination this year, revealed in an interview that his parents never accompany him in his homework. Instead, give him a quiet space so that he can focus on studying. Give him the freedom to make decisions and let him plan and manage his studies. When he encounters a problem, his parents don\’t help him solve it, but let him search for information and think independently, so that he can gradually develop the good habit of thinking frequently. At the same time, parents themselves are always learning and setting good examples. Because he has enough autonomy in his studies and his parents do not focus on his grades, Fu Zicong has always maintained a passion and is conscious and self-disciplined in everything he learns. The famous psychologist Erikson said: If children receive opportunities and support for self-management, they will develop autonomy, the ability to act independently, and willpower. Children are born with good intentions. Parents withdraw from their children\’s homework, notIrresponsible, but use a way of retreating to advance to protect children\’s autonomy and interest in learning. Only when children have self-motivation can they turn passivity into initiative, and change from \”I want to learn\” to \”I want to learn.\” 03 Saint-Exupéry, the author of \”The Little Prince,\” once said: \”If you want to build a ship, don\’t hire people to collect wood, don\’t give orders, and don\’t assign tasks, but stimulate their desire for the ocean. \”Education is not about filling a bucket of water, but lighting a fire. To ignite children\’s inner drive, parents must give their children a sense of autonomy, trust and value. 1. Timely feedback: To stimulate children’s sense of autonomy. Writer Qianxun’s mother once shared her daughter’s story. My daughter usually likes to dawdle in doing things, but she is particularly active in learning English and literacy. Because the APP for learning English and literacy does a very good job of providing timely feedback: after each lesson, you can receive a small gift, and it will also display the learning index and how many people you have exceeded. Because in the process of learning, she is constantly motivated and has a special sense of accomplishment. My daughter thinks about studying every day and has a strong sense of autonomy. Psychological research has also found that the key to autonomy is continuous and timely positive feedback. This also gives us a revelation: if we want children to like learning and have enough inner energy, we can use instant feedback to make them \”addicted\”. For example, let the child use a list to break down numerous homework assignments into sections, and mark a check mark for each completed task. Just like clearing a game, there will be a sense of excitement of \”passing the level\”. When a child completes all homework on time and with high quality, the child can also be rewarded to arrange the remaining time freely, so that the child can feel happy and be more proactive about the next homework. 2. Unconditional trust: Give children a sense of trust. There once was a boy named Zhao Qichen. His grades were at the bottom of his class when he was a freshman in high school, but he was admitted to Tsinghua University with the second-best score in the college entrance examination. Talking about his counterattack, he said: My mother never scolded me for unsatisfactory grades; she always encouraged me, supported me and gave me hugs when I was confused. It is this kind of unconditional trust that keeps me from getting discouraged or giving up, and I firmly believe that I can do it. Of all the abilities of a child, self-confidence is the most important. And self-confidence often comes from Thaksin\’s parents. If you always trust your children unconditionally, they will have a sense of strength in their hearts and have greater motivation to devote themselves to learning. This is called spiritual rise. Mobilize your own enthusiasm under self-identity, and strive to achieve a better self. 3. Suggestion method: Awakening children\’s sense of value. Psychologist Rosenthal once conducted an \”authoritative lie\” experiment: he randomly summoned 18 children and hinted to them that \”you are smart\”, \”you are a genius\”, \”You are different\”. Because they are recognized and appreciated, they learn with a more positive attitude. Not only do they make great progress, but they also have a strong thirst for knowledge. This leads to an educational truth: What kind of hints parents give their children will shape the kind of children they will be. Therefore, if you want your children to be self-disciplined and have a strong sense of self-worth, parents must give their children positive hints and say more of these golden sentences: \”I know you can do it.\” \”You have the strength to face it.\” \”Everything will happen. get wellof. \”If you want it, you can do it.\” \”It is gold that always shines.\” \”… With a good sense of self-worth, children can maximize their potential. 04 Education expert Tian Hongjie said: \”When children face learning, they have two forces in their hearts, one is the power to avoid learning, and the other is the power to think. The power to learn. In the contest between two forces, whichever force is strengthened by parents will grow and win. \”We have reason to believe that every child wants to study hard and become the one with the best grades. But because they lack enough strength to resist burnout and setbacks in learning, children will inevitably have various learning problems. As a parent What we need to do is to let go of anxiety, quit writing, and give children respect, trust, encouragement, and methods. Only then can we strengthen children\’s desire to learn and stimulate their drive for lifelong learning. When children have light in their eyes and strength in their hearts. , then every step he takes is growth. Give him a like and encourage you parents.