I regret driving my 14-year-old daughter into depression: A family full of \”internal strife\” is the biggest disaster for children

01 My daughter is 14 years old this year and is in the second grade of junior high school. Her overall academic performance has always been good, her grades are average and she takes the initiative to complete her homework every day. But there are some habits and problems that I can\’t stand. For example, after school, I always like to procrastinate and not study. I would rather sit there in a daze than concentrate on finishing my homework early, so I can go to bed early. Moreover, the requirements for myself are not high enough, and I always feel that “it’s almost enough.” In elementary school, because the learning tasks were not heavy, the homework load was not large, and the learning content was low-difficulty, my daughter’s attitude towards learning was quite manageable and her grades were good. But since entering junior high school, the number and difficulty of learning tasks have increased significantly, and I have found that my daughter has become unable to do what she wants. Because her study efficiency is not high, she cannot complete her homework efficiently. She has to finish it after 10 pm almost every night. When you encounter something you don\’t know, you just throw away the pen and either complain or want to find out the answer. The test scores are also gradually declining, and they are getting worse every semester. From being in the top 10 in the first grade of junior high school, now they are almost in the 30th place. Seeing her like this, I was both anxious and angry. I felt that my daughter just didn\’t want to be strong. If she can improve her bad habits and improve her learning efficiency, her grades will definitely be much better than now. If you don\’t improve, it may get worse in the future. If you can\’t go to high school, you\’ll be in real trouble. So, I changed my past loose educational philosophy and started to have strict requirements on her. As soon as I get off work every day, I go directly home to help her with her homework, keeping a close eye on my daughter\’s performance and making corrections at any time. I also asked her that the first thing she should do after coming home from school is to sit down and do her homework, and she was not allowed to look around to do anything else. If she dawdles in her studies and is not serious, I will scold her loudly and ask her to concentrate. When I encounter a problem, I don\’t use my brain or thinking, which can directly arouse my emotions and reprimand her. Only after this hard work did I realize that everything was wrong with my daughter! Sitting there every day, I could clearly feel that I was getting more and more impatient with her attitude. My daughter was very aggrieved. She cried many times after being scolded by me, saying that all I did to her was demands and scoldings. After attending classes every day, I couldn’t even play for a while when I got home, so I had to do my homework immediately. My husband also said to me, the way you take care of your daughter scares me. It reminds me of the head teacher in elementary school who couldn’t tolerate sand in his eyes. I was unmoved: \”Isn\’t her score higher than before? It shows that strict requirements are still useful. I was too lax with her before.\” But soon, my daughter\’s changes caught my attention. Her smiles became fewer and fewer, and her whole person became negative and depressed. When I scolded her, she said nothing and stared blankly at the textbook. I asked loudly, \”Do you understand what I said?\” She also lowered her head and said nothing. Until one day, I accidentally discovered her diary, which was full of boredom with life. I feel that my life is meaningless, I am in pain every day, I wish I had not been born, etc. The negative and depressive mood throughout the article shocked and scared me. I also realized that I cannot continue like this, otherwise, before my daughter can be successfully transformed, she will be completely depressed! 02 All my efforts are to help my daughter get rid of her problems, become better, and have a more positive attitude towards learning, but why does it have the opposite effect? In doubt and painIn the midst of suffering, I began to look for answers, watching videos and live broadcasts by education experts, and reading educational books… After a period of study, I discovered that my husband, as a bystander, had actually realized what the problem was. Ever since I paid close attention to my daughter\’s studies, I became extremely anxious. I was dissatisfied with everything I saw about my daughter, and I couldn\’t tolerate any sand in my eyes. And parents who can\’t tolerate sand in their eyes and are at odds with their children all day long are most likely to raise depressed children! Because I watch closely and don\’t tolerate any criticism, I always examine my children\’s behavior with a critical eye, and I find countless faults and shortcomings in my daughter. This kind of education method with high standards and strict requirements is a simple and crude way of education. It does not take into account the child\’s current situation or the differences between people, but establishes the standard of perfection as the goal of the child\’s efforts. Keep making demands on your children and brainwash yourself: As long as you work hard, you can do it. Everyone else can do it, why not you? You are just lazy! You are not serious! Why are you wrong again? Why can\’t you do something so simple? Parents who don\’t tolerate disdain in their eyes can find everything their children have failed to do or do well. Then preach, accuse, and criticize. This kind of education method is causing serious internal strife in the family! It will cause children to have a strong sense of frustration and self-denial, leaving them in a state of high stress for a long time! They feel that no matter what they do, they cannot satisfy their parents. Gradually, they will lose their self-confidence and motivation to work hard. In addition, harsh standards and excessive accusations can also damage the parent-child relationship and make children feel resistant and fearful of their parents. Being in such a family atmosphere every day will further increase the psychological burden on children. If you cannot get rid of it for a long time, you will eventually become increasingly negative and even fall into depression. After understanding this, I realized what a \”toxic\” education I had in the past with my daughter\’s high standards and requirements, and the way I constantly pointed out problems and asked her to correct them. I thought that I could not tolerate criticism and pointed out my daughter\’s mistakes at any time and corrected her problems, so that she could immediately improve and become better. But I didn\’t expect that this kind of \”toxic\” education not only failed to make the child become active and hardworking, but also eroded her enthusiasm and caused her deep harm. I also realized that if you want to truly stimulate your children\’s learning motivation, improve their attitudes, and correct problems, you must be a parent who can tolerate sand in your eyes! The most effective way to change a child is not to correct what is wrong, but to praise what is right! To this end, I followed the following three steps to successfully reverse my daughter\’s depression, make her feel happy, improve her learning attitude, and mobilize her enthusiasm. 031. Immediately stop fault-finding education for children, change the way of education, repair the parent-child relationship, and be a parent who \”catch the big and let go the little\”. The so-called deep love and deep responsibility, many parents are prone to harsh criticism of their children because of excessive concern. Too much to ask for. Especially when accompanying students to do homework, children may not be able to learn problems that seem very simple to adults. If they cannot do well, it will be difficult for parents to control their emotions. There are also some small problems and shortcomings that persist despite repeated admonitions and repeated prohibitions, which are more likely to arouse parents\’ anger and violently attack their children.output. But the result is that we become a critical parent, which will only make the children feel pressured, fearful and unwilling to cooperate. No one is perfect, not even children. There are many small problems and minor problems that parents can completely ignore without pointing them out. Instead, use your suggestions wisely and correct the few things you think are important. Most minor issues don\’t need to be pointed out. You only need to point out a few of the more important ones. This has two benefits. First of all, children will not have a frustrated mentality and think that no matter how they behave as parents, they are not satisfied, and they just pick this and that for themselves. Emotions will not be used to maintain self-esteem and fight against parents, but to listen. Secondly, by removing the psychological burden, children will focus on how to improve themselves and be willing to change. This way of focusing on the big ones and letting go of the small ones will also make the children feel that the parents are \”taking issue with the problem rather than the person\”, making it less likely to produce confrontational emotions, and the parent-child relationship will become harmonious in a tolerant atmosphere. 2. Change the way of communication, change from fault-finding and blaming to questioning and guidance, and respect the children\’s emotions and feelings. Parents treat their children as the equivalent of a high position versus a low position. Therefore, when facing their children, many parents do not pay attention to the way they express themselves. From tone to attitude, everything is done as you please, without considering the child\’s feelings. I used to be like that too. Because I know how much I love my daughter and how much I want her to be well, I criticize very forcefully, and sometimes even use harsh words. I just hope that I can wake her up, make her realize her shame, be brave, and correct herself as soon as possible. When she was watching her homework, she was even more fierce-eyed, with no room for disgrace in her eyes, and an unforgiving mouth. Slowly, my daughter seems to be becoming more \”stupid\”. Because I kept proving how right I was and how wrong she was. Now, I have changed the way I express myself, so that my daughter feels that I am not attacking or denying her, but helping her. When accompanying her to study, she also made herself the weaker one, appearing slower and dumber, and guided her daughter to find the answer and tell herself. For example, if I couldn\’t solve a math problem, before, I would have impatiently scolded my daughter: \”Why are you so stupid? How many times have I told you this, and you still don\’t understand?! Should you go to school or me?\” Now , I would show weakness first: \”I don\’t know very well either. Or read the question again, calm down and see what knowledge points need to be used? In the end, I really can\’t think of it. Let\’s compare the answers to see how to solve it? Come again. Summarize and see if we have missed any knowledge points…\” Sure enough, under my calm and calm guidance, my daughter slowly began to calm down and analyze the questions. I also compared and analyzed with her to find out what knowledge was missing. Click, and then review it in a targeted manner. It is also in the process of continuous analysis, summary, and review that my daughter has the opportunity to actively explore and exercise, and can also feel success and growth. When faced with questions that she does not know, she is no longer afraid of difficulties and complains, but has the courage to try and solve. 3. Stop arranging and arranging, and put the child in a proactive position. Parents cooperate with the child and solve problems together. My biggest dissatisfaction with my daughter is that she has a low attitude towards learning. She has to play first and be in a daze every day when she comes home. Go do your homework. In my mind, the attitude towards learning should be correct, and what should be done should beDo it first and make it a habit. So, because of this matter, I talked about her a lot, but my daughter refused to change despite repeated admonitions. Thinking about it now, the reason why I always want my daughter to do what I want is because my mind is full of \”should and shouldn\’t\” thoughts. Once she doesn\’t follow my expectations, I will be angry and anxious. . At the same time, I also put myself in a leading position. My daughter only does things according to my arrangements. She feels that studying is \”working for me\”. How can my daughter be motivated to learn? Now, I have let go of my desire to control and arrange things, and put my daughter in the leading position. I told her that from now on, you have the final say whether you do homework first and then play, or play first and then do homework. Mom has only one expectation for you, which is to have fun when playing and to be attentive when learning. My daughter was very happy, but in the first few days, she always played for a long time before sitting down to do her homework. This caused the completion time to be delayed by an hour, affecting her sleep. In the past, I would have scolded her. But now, my daughter and I are focusing on this phenomenon together, reviewing and analyzing the reasons, helping her sort out the time, and working with her to solve the problems that occurred. I asked her: Did you go to school all day during the day, which consumed a lot of self-control, so you had to relax first when you got home, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to study. Besides, it was just the beginning. I asked you to play first and then do your homework. You didn’t? Control your time? The daughter nodded wildly in agreement. My attitude made my daughter feel relaxed, and she said to me from the bottom of her heart: Mom, you have to let me play happily so that I can write happily. Then, we discussed together how to make better arrangements while having fun without affecting subsequent study and homework completion. Guide your daughter to take the initiative to solve problems, and regard the process of solving problems as the only way to train your children to improve their abilities. In this way, a win-win arrangement for learning and relaxation can be achieved. With my efforts and guidance, my daughter slowly got rid of the negative influence of the past. She found that the critical and scornful mother of the past was gone, and was replaced by an open-minded mother who was willing to tolerate her small mistakes and shortcomings, and listened to her heart. After a period of persistence, she learned how to arrange her time reasonably and how to solve problems through her own efforts. In the process of learning and growing, my daughter also experienced the joy of making little progress. Her grades are getting better and better with her self-driven and self-responsible attitude. Watching my daughter change from negative and depressed to positive and happy, I also warn all parents: No matter how much we want our children to get better, we must not act too hastily or tolerate disdain in our eyes. On the contrary, as parents, the more we can lean down to see our children, recognize them, help them solve problems in a practical way, and cultivate their sense of autonomy and responsibility, the more we can allow our children to gradually improve and get better and better in a positive mood.