It’s okay to yell at your children, but it’s recommended not to say these words

Yelling at children is something that parents cannot avoid. Sometimes, we need to show the bottom line and principles in this way. For example, if you see a few children playing in the pool, a stern scolding is a timely reminder: \”This behavior is very dangerous, don\’t do it.\” Do this”. For children, this may become the boundary for their future behavior. What really hurts children are those frequent words that are full of contempt, derogation, and indifference, especially the following words. No matter how angry you are, try not to say them to your children. 01 These words make the child feel \”abandoned\”. Example: If you don\’t obey again, I won\’t want you anymore! Get out of here, don\’t come into this house! Don\’t follow me, I\’ll leave you here today! Just leave, no one will care about you from now on! Why do many parents yell at their children with these words? Because it\’s the most effective. A long time ago, I heard a parent show off her \”trick\”: if her son was naughty, she would shut him out of the house, yell at him fiercely, and tell him to get out of the house. After a while, the child would cry and knock on the door and shout: \”Mom, Mom…\” At this time, if the mother asks the child if he dares to make trouble again, he will cry and say: \”I don\’t dare anymore.\” This reminds me of a piece of news I saw a few years ago: a 4-year-old boy was wandering alone on the street. He was discovered by well-wishers and called the police. The police took the child to find the parents. Unexpectedly, the mother was not happy to see her child. Instead, she said coldly: \”I don\’t want this child anymore. Let him find his father.\” It turned out that the boy\’s parents were getting divorced. , my mother may have said these heartbreaking words in anger. It is said that people cannot remember things before the age of 3. Seeing this child standing aside helplessly, I really hope that he will forget these cruel words of his mother when he grows up. The words \”I don\’t want you anymore\” are temporary emotional abandonment. It is a colder punishment than corporal punishment. The reason why it is effective is that it takes advantage of children\’s attachment to their parents and implies to them: If you do something that dissatisfies your parents, you may be abandoned. In order to avoid losing the love of their parents, children often choose to be obedient and cooperative. From this perspective, parents are the ones who know best how to “handle” their children. A parent once asked me: Why does a child not only not get angry but cry and beg for a hug after being yelled at by an adult? An important reason is that the child desperately wants to make sure that the adult has not abandoned him and that the adult still loves him. A hug from an adult is a response that allows them to regain a sense of security in the world. The fear of being abandoned is the biggest fear in every child\’s heart. The scary thing is that this kind of panic and anxiety is still difficult to resolve. As Alfie Cohen, the author of \”Unconditional Parenting\” once said: \”For us, nothing is more important in childhood than how our parents view ourselves. The uncertainty and fear of being \”abandoned\” can be deeply It affects us, even when we have grown up. \”We think that by \”withdrawing love\” we have subdued and won the child, but what we have lost is the love and attachment between parents and children. 02 These words make the child feel like a terrible person. Example: You are really useless. What can you accomplish? You\’ve been taught a few times and still can\’t figure it out, how did you get smart? Look at others, look at you! You all do thisYou are so fat and you still eat! If asked: Under what circumstances would you yell at your child? I believe many adults will say: I yell at my children because they always make mistakes, and I want to teach them a lesson. But by yelling, they will forget the purpose of correcting mistakes. They don’t say to their children, “You did something wrong that made me angry.” Instead, they will say to the child: \”You are a terrible child.\” They try to explain from every angle: You are terrible, you can’t be compared to anyone, and you can’t do anything well. I once saw a poster like this: a child is holding a 26-point exam paper and looking pitifully at the camera. Engraved on his body are the words his parents said to him: \”Did a pig eat your brain?\” \”Succeed in the exam.\” Do you still have the nerve to go home?\” The child\’s helpless expression was heartbreaking. Adults know how to question external evaluations, while children just accept everything as they are told. Because in children\’s young minds, parents are the center of the world. They rely on their parents\’ attitudes and evaluations to establish self-awareness, and they firmly believe in it. Many adults believe that when educating children, the harsher the words, the better the children will be able to learn and correct their mistakes. However, how many children in this world get better and better amidst the yelling and scolding of their parents? Most of the time, the more you scold, the worse the child becomes; the worse the child becomes, the harder you scold them; and finally a vicious cycle. Because children cannot see any hope of getting better in their parents\’ evaluations, and they lose confidence. Those judgmental voices not only simply make the child feel pain, but also become a self-fulfilling prophecy for the child. After being ingrained in the child\’s heart, the child begins to \”internalize\” them: \”If you say I\’m bad, I\’m bad.\” \’Show you\’. Children\’s understanding of themselves is gradually built up from the feedback provided by their parents. 03 These words make the children feel that their parents are not doing well because of him. Example: How did I give birth to a child like you? It\’s so annoying to cause trouble for me all day long! Do you know how hard it is for me? I don’t know how easy it would be without you! There is a type of parents who always sound complaining in their tone when yelling at their children. On the surface, he is complaining about the disobedient children, but in fact, he is complaining about his own life. Parents who have \”worked hard\” shout out the heaviest words. A young friend told me that she was particularly afraid of making mistakes in front of her mother because she would be haunted by a deep sense of guilt. She always feels that her mother is annoying her. When I was a child, every time I made a mistake, I could hear my mother complaining endlessly. For example, if I broke a plate, my mother would say: \”I don\’t ask you to do something for me, I just ask you not to keep adding more trouble to me.\” \”Trouble!\” \”Do you know how tired I am every day?\” \”No one in this family makes me worry!\” Mom\’s roar was like being prepared in advance. When she was very young, she vaguely knew that her mother was not doing well, so she tried her best to be well-behaved and sensible. Unfortunately, her mother was still unhappy. Sensitive by nature, she often wonders: \”If my mother had not given birth to me, would she have had a better life?\” She doubted her own existence, despised and denied herself, and was always worried, withdrawn and depressed. a child,Would he be happy if he often felt his parents\’ disgust towards him? Regardless of whether children are young, they are more sensitive to these emotions than we imagine. They deeply feel \”unlove\” in the language used by their parents. Parents who like to complain are often fragile and irritable. Through yelling, they want to convey only one theme: I am in pain and it is all your fault. I\’m always in a bad mood – it\’s all your fault I\’m tired every day – it\’s all your fault I\’m not doing well at all – it\’s all your fault… How overbearing this is \”Want to inflict crime.\” What do the children think? \”My parents don\’t love me, I\’m not welcome in this family, everything is so bad because of me.\” These guilty voices eventually become the target of the child\’s attack on himself. If even parents despise the existence of their children, it is impossible for their children to love themselves. If parents unscrupulously exaggerate the pain of life, they will leave their children with endless guilt, confusion and pain. Every time we talk about the topic of \”roaring\”, there are always parents leaving messages lamenting the difficulty of education. Raising a child well is indeed a big challenge. Even if we give everything, our children will not always be grateful to us. There is a friend who considers himself to be a good father in raising his daughter. When he was chatting with his daughter, who was studying in college, the daughter calmly listed some hurtful words that her father had said when she was a child. He felt aggrieved: \”Why don\’t children remember the good things about their parents?\” I told him that parents love their children to the extreme, but that does not prevent us from occasionally hurting our children. In the same way, children occasionally remember their parents\’ \”vengeance\”, but it does not affect their deep love for their parents. We are not perfect parents, they are not perfect children, and hurt is sometimes unavoidable. However, a relationship between parents and children is often a joint practice for both parties. We are all constantly learning about the great issue of \”love\”. The relationship between parents and children is full of endless conflicts, large and small, at different stages. We all need to find a balance in this series of contradictions. As a parent, your responsibility is to do your best to let your children grow up in a safe, harmonious, and kind environment. Speaking well is what parents should first demonstrate to their children. Of course, it is indeed not easy to do this. But I believe that if you can open this article and read this far, it at least means that you want to go in a good direction. This is a good sign for children and families. Let’s encourage you!