Oh my gosh! My child lied!

In the WeChat group, a mother asked for help: \”Oh my god, my child lied, what should I do?\” The group immediately started a heated discussion. Mothers have talked about their children lying, and it seems that everyone has a deep resonance with this topic. I was sorting out information a few days ago and happened to come across the story I recorded about Rooney \”lying\” when he was three years old. One day during the Chinese New Year, he ate a lot of potato chips and I wouldn\’t let him eat any more. But not long after, he picked up another bag of potato chips. I asked sternly: \”What do you want to do?\” He replied: \”I want to take it for everyone to eat.\” Once, while eating, I had a dispute with my grandmother. Saying things like \”beat you to death\”, I asked: \”What did you just say?\” He realized that I was going to blame him, and immediately changed his words: \”I meant beat the table to death.\” One night, he saw that the bookshelf had been turned over in a mess. , I asked angrily: \”Who did it?\” \”It wasn\’t me! It was other children who did it.\” \”But you are the only child in our family.\” He changed the topic slyly: \”Mom, what are you doing again? A younger brother.\” In the world of adult values, lying is cheating, which is a very serious moral issue. Therefore, many parents become furious when they find out that their children have lied: If they learned to lie at a young age, how can they still do it when they grow up? I had such worries at the beginning, but now that I look through the records at that time, I find it particularly interesting. The child is so smart! In fact, children before the age of 12 have no sense of morality. Lying just shows that the child has entered a new stage of development and is a sign of the child\’s intelligence. Let’s take a look at a TED speech first: This is a TED speech by Kang Lee, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto. It roughly says that children’s ability to lie increases with age. Children who lie are by no means defective in personality, but rather Probably a sign of intelligence. Friends who don’t have time to watch the video can take a look at the screenshots: ↑↑↑Kang Lee described a very interesting experiment: invite the child into the room and let him guess the number on the card. If he guesses correctly, he will get a generous reward. In the middle of the game, the adult will leave with an excuse and tell the child not to look at the cards secretly before leaving. However, hidden cameras in the room will observe the children\’s every move. Because the children want to win this game so much, more than 90% of the children will secretly read the cards immediately after the adults leave the room. It’s worth asking, when we come back and ask these kids if they peeked at the card, will those kids who peeked admit that they broke the rules of the game? Let’s take a look at the data: 30% of 2-year-olds lied, 70% admitted that they broke the rules of the game, 50% of 3-year-olds lied, and 80% of 4-year-olds lied, and over 4 years old, the vast majority lied. That is, the older the child, the higher the rate of lying. Just think about it, which of us adults has never lied? The biggest lie in the world is: I never lie. Ha ha! In fact, in foreign countries, similar to Kang Lee, there are many studies on lying to children. American neuroscientist Dr. John Medina has a similar view of lying to young children as Kang Lee. He also believes that lying is a skill.Yes, part of it is a skill similar to mind reading. For example, after you lie, you need to keep telling lies. This is also very demanding for observing whether others can see through your lies – I know things that you don\’t know that I know. John Medina once mentioned in the book \”Let the Brain Be Free\”: A 4-year-old child will tell a lie every two hours on average, and a 6-year-old child will tell a lie every 90 minutes. Children\’s lying skills improve with age. The frontal lobe of the brain mainly controls language communication, planning and coordination, so the ability to lie is probably inseparable from the function of the frontal lobe. People with more developed frontal lobes are smarter. In the process of \”training\” children to lie, they are actually developing the frontal lobe level. So, do you understand? Lying can also make people smarter. Can we just ignore the child when he lies? Of course not. The reasons why children lie at different stages are different, and specific issues need to be analyzed in detail. Children usually lie for the following reasons: ▌Unconscious lying. Most children with normal development will learn to \”lie\” from around two years old. Because children at this stage have particularly rich imaginations and often wander between reality and fantasy, sometimes they will naturally describe imaginary things. This kind of \”lie\” is completely unconscious. For example, when Rooney was two or three years old, he would sometimes say something like this: \”Mom, today my aunt gave me a bun as big as an ant\”, \”Mom, today I saw a snail as big as a lion, crawling on the road. \”Climb\”… When a child tells these stories that are both true and imaginary, I will never laugh at him, let alone expose him. How rare a child\’s imagination is. I even hope to walk into such a fantasy world with him. ▌Seeking Attention A mother said that after I raised my child to three years old, I returned to work and left the child with my grandma. When I first started working, my child always had stomachaches and I held her thigh every day to prevent her from going to work. The first time my child said this, I was very nervous and took leave to stay with her at home. I helped her rub her belly and cover it with a hot water bottle. After a while, the child happily started playing games with me. After doing this for several days, I realized that she was lying just so that I could stay with her at home. In a situation like this, the child is obviously seeking the attention of adults, especially his favorite mother. At this time, we must not blame the child, but must express understanding of the child\’s needs and try to spend as much time with the child as possible. ▌Satisfying desires. For example, as mentioned above, when Rooney was two years old, he deliberately asked \”What is this\” to eat snacks? For example, because he wanted to watch TV or go out to play, but his mother stipulated that he could only do these things after eating, so he simply Tell a lie and say you are full or can’t eat anymore. Children lie most of the time because the lie brings them benefits. At this time, we don’t have to rise to a moral level to worry about our children. We only need to clearly tell our children: We will definitely satisfy you if you have a reasonable wish, and there is no need to lie; if you have an unreasonable wish, even lying is useless. ▌ Avoiding punishment is also the most common situation, usually occurring in families with strict parents. I remember when I was a kid, my mother had a bad temper., and I often miss things, so I am always scolded by my mother. Later, when I lost something, I simply didn\’t tell her or lied and said I didn\’t know. My mother’s scolding left such a shadow on me that even now, when my husband asks me if I have lost something, I still can’t help but find excuses to excuse him. Now, if Rooney accidentally loses something or breaks something, I try to control my emotions and not blame him, but analyze the reasons with him and find ways to solve the problem. This makes him feel safe, so every time he does something \”bad\”, he will tell me immediately. ▌ Express yourself. Usually, children like to express themselves in front of relatives and friends, so they will unconsciously say some big words. For example, one time, my uncle came over to play and asked Rooney: \”How do you know so many English words? Who taught you?\” Rooney boasted: \”I have known it a long time ago. I learned it by myself.\” Of course, part of it is He learned it on his own, but most of it was taught by teachers. In fact, we don’t have to expose this kind of lie. We can further encourage our children, identify with them, and make them more confident in themselves. All in all, when faced with children who lie, parents should not rush to blame them. It is best to spend more time with them, and through careful observation, understand their true inner thoughts from their children\’s lies, and then better guide them to be honest people. !