There is a kind of moral kidnapping called \”You are already a mother\”

Bi Luo came to me to complain because she had a conflict with her husband. When we met, she was filled with bitterness: \”My husband has really disappointed me. I wanted a bouquet of roses for my birthday, but he said to me, \’You are already a mother, can you not go through all the trouble?\’\” ?\’ I was working overtime at the company in the evening, and he said to me, \’You are already a mother, so aren\’t you worried that your children will have no one to accompany you?\’ I spent my own money to buy a pair of shoes worth more than 1,000 yuan, and happily wore them for him. Unexpectedly, he But he said, \’Why are you so prodigal now that you are a mother? Why didn\’t my mother have so many things to do when she was young?\’ \”Children are indeed the magic mirror of marriage. What is your husband\’s attitude towards marriage? The true colors of children will be revealed throughout their lives.\” Speaking of this, Bi Luo\’s entire condition was not good. \”When I become a mother, when I become a mother, when I become a mother… is it possible that after I become a mother, I am no longer a woman? Why do I have to hang around my children instead of living a small life according to my own preferences?\” Looking at Bi Luo\’s angry look , I became sad too. The traditional cultural definition of \”mother\” is a saint with capital letters. After becoming a mother, the meaning of a woman\’s life is only to raise her children and nothing else. As long as a woman has the slightest reluctance, a group of people will jump out and point fingers: \”You are already a mother, why can\’t you…\” Damn it, the thought of this makes me angry. No matter before or after marriage, I am a romantic and childish person. At the beginning of this year, in order to celebrate our third wedding anniversary, my husband and I traveled to Japan together. While passing by the original site of Miyamizu Shrine in the movie \”Your Name\”, I took a photo and sent it to Moments. Unexpectedly, this photo attracted criticism from others. A friend who I don\’t usually keep in touch with left a message under the photo: \”You guys come out to play, what will happen to the kids? How can you be so careless when you are a mother? If you have time to waste, you might as well spend more time with your kids!\” Me I know, maybe she just said this as a kind reminder. But when I saw her pointing fingers at my lifestyle so blatantly, I felt an indescribable nausea in my heart, as if I had swallowed a fly that was covered in shit. As a mother, what’s wrong with loving traveling and having fun? Is it possible that a good mother must be with her children at all times? Can’t you be a good mother by taking some time out occasionally to enjoy the world of two people with your husband? Later, I told Chen Ke about this matter, and Chen Ke spread his hands and said to me: \”Don\’t be too aggressive. Look at me. What I experienced back then was much worse than yours.\” Chen Ke was forced to give birth to a child. I have been a stay-at-home mom for two years. Originally, she planned to go back to work as soon as her maternity leave was over. Chen Ke wanted to take the exam for an accountant qualification certificate while working, so as to increase her competitiveness in the workplace. When it comes to raising children, if she puts in less effort, her husband and mother-in-law can put in more effort. If it doesn\’t work, you can still ask your mother to help. But her mother-in-law disagreed. She often complained to her son: \”Look, she\’s already a mother, so why are she still working so hard? It\’s not like you can\’t support the family. Besides, at this stage, what the child needs most is his mother.\” Husband I thought what his mother said made sense, and started looking for Chen Ke to do ideological work. At the unanimous request of everyone, Chen Ke compromised. I thought I could accompany youI gained the joy of being a mother while accompanying my children, but I didn’t expect that I would be pushed to the edge of collapse in less than two years. When I see my child crying, I get upset and I can’t help but yell. When I see my husband, I get angry and I quarrel with him several times for no reason. Chen Ke, who could never find a sense of worth, began to suspect that he was suffering from depression. Finally, under the threat of divorce, her husband and his family finally agreed that Chen Ke would go out to work. In Chen Ke\’s own words: When you were a stay-at-home mother, others thought it was natural for you to take care of your children, and no one cared how hard or tiring you were to take care of your children. When you can\’t handle the child, you have to bear all the blame yourself. Some people may even say that you just raised a child and can\’t even do this well. Now that I have returned to the workplace, I have found a sense of value. It feels so good to have a career! Some people always feel that once a woman becomes a mother, she must say goodbye to her past self. In their eyes, women and mothers should be two reproductively isolated species. They think that a woman can easily be a good mother recognized by everyone, and can seamlessly switch between the two identity modes of mother and woman in one second; they think that when a woman becomes a mother, she should support her husband and raise her children, burn herself to illuminate the family, and live her life as a whole. candle. In their eyes, as a mother: you should be devoid of desire, not interested in food, and leave all the delicious food to your children; you should be frugal, don’t put on makeup, don’t buy new clothes, and save all the money you save between your teeth. Leave money for your children to study abroad; you have to give up your pursuit of life and spend all your time and energy on your children;… As long as you can\’t do this, you are not a good mother. In other words, as a mother, you must follow their requirements. However, I wonder if they have ever thought about it. Asking women to do this or that because \”you are already a mother\” is not a moral kidnapping of women as a group? A woman loves her family and her children, and she will do many things because of her love. But love should neither be a yoke nor a bondage in life. No one can ask a woman to sacrifice her hobbies, interests and career pursuits in the name of \”love\”. What\’s more, only by taking care of one\’s own feelings can one have the energy to take care of others. You must first be a complete self before you can have the ability to love your family, children, and parents. Psychologist Erich Fromm once said in the book \”The Art of Love\”: Self-love is the basis of love. Our so-called ability to love is only based on this. In the process of giving love, it depends on whether a person has the ability to care for and respect others, whether he has a sense of responsibility and whether he understands people. A person who has the ability to create love must also love himself. But if he loves others blindly, he will also lose his self-love. We can also say that he has no ability to love. Alison, a British spiritual teacher, also said: In a family, a woman’s relationship with herself will directly affect her relationship with other family members, and she will project her relationship onto her interactions with others. If a woman suppresses herself all the time, how can she handle the relationship with her children and husband well? want to take good care ofFamily, mothers need to pay more attention to their inner world and life ideals. Because as a mother, your words and deeds, mental state, views and cognition of the world will affect every aspect of your child\’s growth. If you can accept yourself and care for yourself, your child will feel more secure; if you are willing to achieve and challenge yourself, your child will be more curious and thirsty for knowledge; if you cannot accept yourself, your child will be fearful, restless, sensitive and fragile. ; You cannot feel the joy of life, and your children will also be confused about the meaning of life. Imitation is a learning skill for children and a survival strategy. Mother is the first teacher in a child\’s life, and the child will definitely absorb the mother\’s strengths and weaknesses. We are mothers and we are women. We expect ourselves to be interesting people and people who can realize our ideals in life. We set a good example for our children by setting an example. Shouldn\’t this be a good thing? I have always had the feeling that mothers are a vulnerable group in social public opinion. No matter whether you have given birth to a child or not, no matter whether you have enough knowledge about parenting or not, as long as you are alone, you can criticize your mother unscrupulously. People who morally kidnap mothers by saying \”you are already a mother\” are actually mentally bullying mothers as a group. Just because we choose to have children doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice everything for them. After we have children, we can still pursue our ideals and realize our own life value. The best love we give our children is not sacrifice or dedication, nor giving them a lifelong sense of guilt, but helping them find the positive meaning of life. Do you think so?