A family with two children: You can afford to have children, you can afford to raise them, but can you afford to love them?

As soon as the two-child policy was relaxed, the number of families with two children increased significantly. It is said that only children are the loneliest. Many parents want a second child in the name of \”having a second child to accompany the eldest child\”, but in fact, the child who cannot feel love in a two-child family is actually lonelier. Compared with whether they can afford it, there is a bigger problem facing parents: how to let two children enjoy indiscriminate love. If a bowl of water is uneven, the cracks will last a lifetime. A friend of mine complained that his three-year-old daughter and six-year-old son are now jealous over trivial matters all day long. There was absolutely no favoritism, and as a result, both children didn\’t buy it, and both complained that their mother was \”partial\”. Don\’t underestimate the conflicts between children. Proper handling can help the two children grow up better, slowly learn to care and tolerate, and establish a close relationship. If it is not handled well, conflicts will continue to escalate, slowly planting the seeds of sibling discord, and as they grow throughout their lives, they will become rifts that cannot be healed. There is a mediation program on Beijing Satellite TV, which is almost all about siblings fighting over property. The parties involved are in a state of turmoil and can\’t bear to watch. It is hard to imagine that this is a relative who was born from a mother\’s womb and whose blood is thicker than water. Brothers and sisters fight to the death, and more than 99% of them seem to be about money. If two brothers are so poor that they can only share a steamed bun, their relationship will probably be good, but there are most cases of intrigue among rich families. These people are really short of money. They are competing for their parents\’ love. This is why posts such as \”My brother got married and his parents bought him a house, but I only got one car when I got married\” are frequently seen on the Internet. There is only one core reason, and that is that the person concerned feels that he has been treated unfairly. The so-called \”Don\’t worry about poverty but inequality.\” also\”. On the surface, it is the unfair distribution of property. In fact, what makes parents\’ bowls of water unbalanced is not material things, but love. \”If you feel neglected, please tell me.\” One of the most common mistakes made by parents of second or multiple children is to think that brothers and sisters love each other as they should by nature. In fact, everyone has a sibling rivalry complex. Such a complex will be easily resolved in a relaxed and happy mood and transformed into an intimate relationship without harming the other party. However, if there is no correct outlet for expressing emotions, children will turn And they attack each other and even kill each other. The eldest son plays the role of guardian in the family. The \”invasion\” of the second son breaks his position as the only child and absolute center of the family, and takes away the love from his parents. The second son plays the role of challenger in the family, and the presence of the eldest son means invisible pressure and transcendent goals. There is no doubt that this competitive relationship between the eldest son and the second son will exist for a long time, but whether it will eventually evolve into a benign common progress or a vicious life-and-death relationship depends on the guidance of the parents. Almost all children in two-child families ask these questions: Am I loved? Do my parents only love me? When they love another child, do they stop loving me? Lawrence Cohen, the author of [The Power of Play], put forward a vivid cup-accumulating theory: children constantly need love and care, just like a cup needs to constantly store water. When children are hungry, tired, lonely or hurtThe heart needs to be cared for and soothed, just like a cup needs to be filled with water. Children who keep their cups full all year round always feel safe enough. On the contrary, if a child\’s cup is empty for a long time, he will fall into a state of anxiety, clinginess, withdrawal, and self-isolation. Placed in front of the parents of the second child were two cups. Children are born Darwinists, and the fundamental purpose of sibling rivalry is to compete for the opportunity to hold cups. The younger child will undoubtedly receive more care from his family. When the older children see that the younger child\’s cup is often full but their own is always empty, they will start to snatch the opportunity to fill the cup with water. Therefore, parents of second children must convey this belief to their two children, especially the older one: You are very important, and mom and dad love you very much. When a child is just born, older children usually feel lost. Parents may wish to tell their children frankly: We may temporarily invest more time in your younger brother/sister, but our love for you will not decrease at all. If you feel neglected or If you are not happy, please tell me. If the eldest child believes that his contribution is valuable to the family, he will enjoy taking care of his younger siblings, and in the process, the cups of both children will be full at the same time. On the other hand, if the older one doesn\’t feel happy and thinks that taking care of the younger siblings sacrifices his own play time, the cup will soon be empty. Therefore, parents should avoid turning taking care of younger siblings into a responsibility and obligation imposed on the older children. This is lazy behavior and unfair to the eldest child. Actor Sun Li\’s handling of this point is simply a textbook example. When she was pregnant with her daughter Xiaohua, she consciously asked her son to get involved and let her name her sister and choose gifts. When her sister was born, Sun Li prepared a toy and put it on the bed, indicating that it was given to her brother by her sister. Even in Xiaohua\’s full-moon wine, Sun Li also turned Waiting into the protagonist to prevent her son from feeling ignored. She told her son, \”This is your 33-month-old coming-of-age ceremony and your big party.\” The first sentence of the opening remarks of the banquet was: \”Welcome Mr. Deng Chao and Mr. Waiting.\” In life, Sun Li is always saving money for her two children. She does not hesitate to praise her brother\’s care for her sister, and also encourages her sister to learn from her brother. In the process, she establishes a close relationship between the brother and sister, making them feel that they are loved by their mother at the same time. Love. Equality of love ≠ material fairness It is not an easy task to take care of two children. Many parents of second children even give up the pursuit of equality and allow themselves to favor the child they like more, leading to suspicion and suspicion between the two children. Dissatisfaction and confrontation are why many people end up becoming strangers to each other after a fight between mother and son. The equal treatment of love is not to pursue absolute fairness in material distribution, but to take care of the specific needs of each child in a targeted manner. To take the simplest example, if a steamed bun is cut into half for each person, the older child will not be able to eat it, and the younger child will not be able to eat it either. But if they both feel the indiscriminate love from their parents, then it doesn\’t matter who eats more and who eats less. In the Hong Kong drama \”Happy Express\”, the eldest daughter of the Xiong family discovers that her father has sentThe jewelry he gave to his sister was fake, but the jewelry he gave to his sister was real. He was so angry that he cursed his father for being partial. Her father told her that she took care of her sister because she had poor self-care ability and could not handle anything well, but you were strong enough to take care of yourself, and you easily resolved the boss\’s anger. The father\’s words were false, but making his daughter feel that she was valued was true, and her cup became full again. In Sun Li\’s family, Xiaohua, as the younger one, will definitely receive more attention from the family, but in the process of taking care of her younger sister, she has been recognized by her parents and has not been ignored. No parent can put two children at opposite ends of the balance of interests and pursue an absolute distribution that is equal to both. Giving the relatively weak one more practical attention and making the relatively strong one feel affirmed can balance the conflict between the two children well. The most important thing is: let them all feel that they are the most valued one. Stop saying \”the older one has to give in to the younger one\”. When two children get along day and night, friction is inevitable. How should parents take sides? A more common approach is for the major players to blame the older children, thinking that \”the older ones must give way to the younger ones.\” If something goes wrong, they will often use simple and crude logic to determine that the older one bullied the younger one, or that they failed to fulfill their obligation to give way to their younger siblings. In fact, when two children fight, the problem may not lie with the older child who is more powerful. It is most likely that the younger child has acquired a power countermeasure strategy through practice. Don\’t be too quick to assume that they are the victims. If parents unhesitatingly side with the younger ones every time, it will be easy for the older children to develop the character of being timid and fearful and not daring to fight for their own rights, while the younger children are arrogant and unreasonable and will use any means to achieve their goals. The best way is not to get too involved in the \”civil war\” between them, don\’t be on the front line, trust their ability to solve the problem, and leave them time to solve it themselves. If the \”war\” escalates to the point where parents must intervene, pull them away and listen to their explanation. Don\’t focus too much on the child who actively \”causes trouble\”, because his purpose is precisely to attract your attention. . In this conflict, talk about the situation and give your advice instead of characterizing the child, such as \”You guys try playing for five minutes each\” instead of \”Why do you always bully your brother? Let him play for a while.\” \”. Then leave the scene of the conflict and give the children time for friendly negotiation. It is easy to have two children, but it is difficult to raise two children. In a family with two children, lack of money is not the most terrifying thing, but lack of love is. Whether it is an only child or a family with two children, children need the same amount of love from their parents. Having a second child does not mean that your love can be divided or reduced. On the contrary, you have to give more. The best love is never for children to accompany each other, but for you to accompany them, allowing them to feel the warmth of family affection and learn love and responsibility.