The last thing you should do to your children has actually been done to you by your parents! This is how the causal loop works

Recently, I went shopping with an old friend I hadn’t seen for a long time. The relaxed and happy \”girlfriend time\” I was looking forward to did not happen. Instead, I became a trash can for my friends\’ negative energy. It turned out that she had just accompanied her parents on a week-long trip to a tourist destination in China. According to her, everything during the trip was full of torture: She felt that her parents had to buy tickets to enter those expensive and meaningless tourist attractions. It is very boring to go to scenic spots just to take photos as souvenirs; when visiting scenic spots, she would lower her head to play with her mobile phone from time to time, and her parents would get angry and accuse her of only having a \”shell\” to accompany them, and her heart would have flown to nowhere; when they were alone in When her parents tried to chat with her at a certain place, she subconsciously wanted to touch her phone and pretend not to hear, and she was tired of coping. Because her apparently absent-minded and perfunctory performance directly aggravated her parents\’ dissatisfaction and resentment. She had all kinds of emotions throughout the trip, but she was not happy. \”I am so busy at work that I took time off to travel alone with them, leaving all the children at home to their father. Why are they so dissatisfied? I am also very tired, okay!\” The friend looked indignant and thought Her parents failed her good intentions: \”Can you blame me? They were like this back then! No matter where I wanted them to take me to play, there were strings attached, and when I actually went, they looked impatient and urged me to finish the play quickly. Good to go home, I have something to tell them, but my dad just said \”um\” while watching TV, and my mom found it annoying that I was disturbing her cooking. Later, when I got older, I had nothing to talk to them about. After saying that, they also said that I have a bad personality and am not generous enough. Now that it is their turn, are they unhappy? Do you want such double standards?\” After hearing this, Mian\’s mother finally understood. A little girl shrouded in the shadow of childhood, As an adult, I unconsciously paid back the \”done\” of my parents with interest, and I didn\’t know whether to sympathize with her or sigh for the two elders. Your absent-minded false companionship when your child is young may very well turn into your child\’s careless and perfunctory companionship many years later. Our current mainstream education philosophy increasingly emphasizes the importance of parents accompanying their children as they grow up. As a result, parents are working hard to \”do tasks\” as if completing a to-do list. It seems that as long as they have what they want and are free, Spend every moment with your children, but the results are often unsatisfactory. There was a survey for parents asking: \”When you are with your children, do you often look at your mobile phone?\” The results showed that only 7% of parents never looked at it, 27% looked at it often, and 66% looked at it occasionally. . In fact, there is no essential difference between today\’s mobile phones and TV and chess and mahjong 20 or 30 years ago. They are all \”interventions\” for parents and children to get along with each other, turning parents\’ companionship with their children into simply staying together. This kind of \”hidden absence of companionship\” has huge time costs but hidden dangers: parents feel that they spend a lot of time with their children, but in fact it is just a mere physical companionship that is not beneficial to the children and even has adverse effects. When a child shows withdrawn personality or communication difficulties due to this invisible absence from company, parents will be confused and angry or even angry at the child: I have spent so much time and energy, how can you?Is it still like this? Hidden absence of companionship can easily \”deceive\” parents\’ eyes and interfere with their judgment of their children. Because parents feel that they stay with their children every day, they think they understand their children\’s condition very well. However, the fact is that they cannot understand their children\’s psychological changes in a timely manner and ignore the occurrence of many problems. They finally realize it after a long time. In addition, many parents do not realize that their hidden neglect of their children may be \”paid back\” to themselves many years later. I once saw a comment [Why is it so difficult to spend time with my parents during holidays? ], one of the replies impressed me deeply: My parents are almost 60 this year, and my son is almost 7 years old, but I don’t like to be alone with them at all. When I was young, my dad was very busy at work, and traveling was a common occurrence. My mother had a very free time at work, but in my impression, she was not at home very often. She would always go out to play cards and come back very late. I always went to school with my own keys when I was a child. After school, when I was hungry, I went to the chess and card room to ask her for money to buy food. Later, my parents probably felt that it was not good to \”herd sheep\” like this, so they would occasionally take me out to play together, but every time it could be seen that they were actually very impatient. Sometimes they would start urging me to leave after I played for half an hour. . My mother also once asked me to go to the chess and card room to do my homework. She called it to accompany me to do my homework. Now I think about it and it feels funny. Now that they are older, they always ask me to spend more time with them, but it is really difficult for me! Every time I\’m alone with them, I feel extremely annoyed. I feel really annoyed from the bottom of my heart. Although I know it\’s not good, I can\’t control myself at all. I find the places they like to go and the things they like to do very troublesome and boring. Sometimes I also feel that I am particularly unfilial, but after feeling guilty, I still do everything as usual. Maybe deep down in my heart, I want to take revenge on them, right? But the worst thing is that after my son was born, I felt like I had become like my parents. I didn’t like to be alone with my son. If I had to be alone with my son, I would be very unfocused and always want to do something else. Every time I have to take my son to play somewhere, I get very impatient and feel bored. My son probably sensed my emotions, so he never got close to me. I am really afraid that my son will be in the same situation as me in the future, and I am also afraid that I will get the same result as my parents in the future, as if I am trapped in a vicious circle, feeling extremely powerless and desperate. Both my old friend and the respondent to this post showed the sequelae of their parents’ hidden absence from their parents in childhood, and finally paid back all the damage. After seeing so much, as a parent, do you still plan to continue to ignore your hidden companionship? In fact, the quality of the company parents give their children is far more important than the time. The pressure of real life is huge. Parents are usually busy with work and cannot accompany their children for a long time. However, in the limited time spent together, they try to improve the quality of companionship as much as possible, so that the experience between themselves and their children can become a beautiful memory for their future children. It is not a dispensable or even unbearable memory. High-quality companionship means happy and harmonious two-way communication between parents and children when they get along, through various \”walks\”Encourage, support, and teach children in a \”heart-to-heart\” way. To provide children with high-quality companionship, parents must invest more patience and love, truly accompany their children attentively, communicate with them, and let them know that your focus at this moment is indeed them. .1 Switch from \”physical companionship\” to \”psychological companionship\”. The child is playing with building blocks and you are playing with your mobile phone. The child is excited to show you the \”work\”, but you just look at it perfunctorily and say \”um huh\” a few times. Just make do with it. This method of physical companionship is very common, but the subsequent problems are also the most common – parents always feel that they have spent a lot of rest time \”accompanying\” their children, but the children cannot feel their parents\’ \”accompanying\” at all. No matter how long this kind of companionship lasts, it is useless. Real companionship will not be just two bodies staying together, and their thoughts have scattered. Whether it is reading with your children together, or playing with toys and studying various things with your children. These \”little fun things\” are a good way for parents to get into their children\’s psychology. This kind of ideological communication with their children is an effective psychological companionship. 2 The companionship that children want, not what parents want The misunderstanding we tend to fall into when accompanying our children is that we always replace the children\’s wishes with our own ideas. Even if the parents find it very fun and interesting, the children may not like it very much. Communicate with the children and understand Parent-child activities that they really like, rather than relying on parents to \”guess\”. When accompanying children, we should take the child\’s needs as the starting point, feel the child\’s emotions, and understand the child\’s thoughts, rather than using your own ideas as the starting point. 3 Don\’t use too much force, Turning companionship into a burden, but sometimes parents can easily go to the other extreme. Some parents know that it is important to accompany their children, but they often overexert themselves and wish they could accompany their children 24 hours a day. Too much is not enough. If the parents\’ company takes up all the time of the child, the child will not have the opportunity to be alone. In the long run, it is easy to become pathologically dependent on the parents. Even if the child needs to be independent when he grows up, the child will not have the ability to be independent. There are also some Parents\’ companionship is actually disturbing their children. Children want to read picture books to their parents, but parents interrupt their children to \”correct mistakes\” without even saying a few sentences. This not only deprives children of their ability to think for themselves, but also makes children very uncomfortable over time. Boring. 4 It’s important for parents to accompany their children more easily without sticking to formalities. However, accompanying their children should not engulf their parents’ lives. Some parents may think that accompanying their children means playing with them all the time. In fact, this is not the case. When parents are busy You can also try to invite your children to accompany you when doing other things. For example, when your parents are concentrating on working or reading, you can invite your children to come with you. At this time, although the parents and children are not doing one thing together, the children Gaining another sense of \”companion\” that does not interfere with each other is also a very good parent-child experience, and parents will be relatively more relaxed. It is said that \”companionship is the longest confession of love\”, and in fact it is also applicable between parents and children. Only by truly caring for your children as they grow up can you create warm and beautiful memories, instead of becoming dispensable when your children grow up.of useless past.