\”If you don\’t even buy me a pen, what use is a mother like you!\”

A mother told me that her seven-year-old son has developed a new bad habit in the past six months. He always asks her for things: to buy pencils, rulers, drinks… The mother rarely agrees to her son\’s requests, and the reasons are very good. : I already have pencils at home, why do I need to buy them? The drinks are junk food and should not be consumed by children. Don’t you have a ruler? As long as it works, why do you have to buy the same one as your classmates? …However, the more the mother refused, the more the child kept thinking about it and asked her mother to buy him something almost every day after school. Mothers can feel that sometimes, the child doesn’t really want that thing, but just wants his mother to buy it for him. The mother is very worried that her child\’s \”greed\” is getting bigger and bigger. If she was asking for things like this when she was a child, wouldn\’t it mean that she will become even more demanding when she grows up? However, after a lot of reasoning, beatings, and scoldings, the child cried many times. He didn\’t mention it at the time, but after a few days, he still changed his tricks and asked his mother to buy him this and that. One time, the child took a fancy to a pen, but his mother refused as usual and criticized him. The child cried loudly: \”You don\’t even buy me a pen, what use is a mother like you?!\” The mother was shocked: If you say such a thing at a young age, how can you do it when you grow up! Then came the heartbreak: I worked so hard to raise my child to such a big age, and my only value is to buy him a pen! The mother said she also cried that day and cried very sadly. This mother\’s problems actually exposed some problems in her own growth. I analyzed them one by one for her, so I won\’t discuss them here. The words blurted out by the child made me think for a long time: What is the use of mother? In other words, what is a mother’s greatest value to her children? Do you want to keep your children fed and clothed, wash and cook for them? Is it to help children with their homework and cultivate their various talents? Is it to teach children right and wrong, various rules and principles? Yes, but not entirely. These are the responsibilities of parents, but they are not unique values ​​of mothers. Others can also do them, such as other family members, teachers and nannies. I feel that a mother’s true and unique value is to allow her children to experience love in their relationship with their mother. In other words, let children feel the most important things at the beginning of life and in the most important relationships. When a child is young, his mother is his world. How his mother treats him means how the world treats him. He felt from his mother: whether the world is warm or cold; whether it is severe or gentle; whether it is stable or unpredictable; whether he is worthy of love or not good enough… Slowly, He will internalize the relationship with his mother into his heart. His relationship with his mother becomes his relationship with the world. What his mother said to him became the voice in his head. How a mother treats her children is how the children will treat the world when they grow up. The child\’s world view, outlook on life and values ​​are gradually formed from this. A tall building, no matter how tall or beautiful it is, can easily collapse if it does not have a deep and stable foundation. The loving relationship between mother and child is the cornerstone of the child\’s life. Let your child experience love and create a deep foundation for his life. This should be the most important value of a mother.value. How can we make our children feel loved? Too many people look back on their childhood and say: \”I know my parents love me, and they did that for my own good.\” Yes, they \”know\” consciously that their parents love them, but they \”feel\” Not loved. Even as adults, they will still find ways to ask for love and attention from their parents and lovers. However, there is a hole in their hearts, and no amount of love can fill it. This is also the reason why they often encounter troubles in their lives. Why is this happening? Because too many parents only focus on right and wrong and ignore their children\’s feelings. Feeling is the only way to love. We are always obsessed with what is right and wrong, and we instill all kinds of rules, \”shoulds\” and \”musts\” into our children\’s minds, thinking that this is education. In order for children to understand this, we reason, criticize, accuse, beat and punish, thinking that this is love. We will think: I care about you, scold you or even beat you, not for your own good, but for your success. Maybe there are some problems with the method, but my original intention is good! If I didn\’t love you, I wouldn\’t do this! However, we have overlooked one point: while what we say and do reaches the child\’s level of consciousness, how we say and do it also reaches the child\’s inner feelings. The power of feeling is much greater than consciousness. When a child does something wrong, he is beaten and scolded. The child admits the mistake and says he will not do it again next time. On the surface, the child knows right and wrong. In their hearts, children experience the feeling of not being loved and not worthy of love – if they do not do well, they are not worthy of love. Subconsciously, he internalizes simplicity and roughness as his own experience and learns to deal with problems in this way. How many parents can realize that this kind of education has picked up sesame seeds and lost watermelons. Won a city and a pool, but lost the whole world. We want to tell our children what is truth, goodness and beauty, and what is right. As a result, the children experience what hate is and that they are not good. Parents’ love for them is conditional – if there is a slight mistake, the love will be destroyed. Taken back. This relationship made him tremble and made him painfully divided. It\’s counterproductive, it\’s like trying to catch a tree. It’s not that right and wrong are unimportant, but right and wrong that are instilled through beatings, scolding and preaching can only reach the mind. Just like adults often lament: I understand a lot of truths, but I still can’t live this life well. Why? Because reason can only work at the level of consciousness. What really prompts a person to change is the emotion a person generates during experience, and what he realizes through feeling. These are the real driving forces for change, powerful and lasting. More important than teaching children about right and wrong is making them feel loved and accepted in relationships. What\’s more, in the world of children, there are so many principles of right and wrong, but more of the \”shoulds\” and \”musts\” determined by parents. A loving relationship is a powerful motivation for children to do good. When you truly look at your children with appreciation, respect, and tolerance, you will find that many of the previous problems are no longer problems. There is a mother whose daughter is in second grade. She does homework until eleven or twelve o\’clock every day. Every day, the adults yell at her for crying because of her homework. Until one day, she found that the child had become vicious when talking to her., because of the smallest things, he would always say: Then I’ll die! just kill me! If the child cannot feel his mother\’s love, he will doubt his own existence. His existence is worthless and he might as well die. The changes in her daughter made her realize that she had to change. I told her not to pay too much attention to her homework, but to start by improving her relationship with her daughter. I helped her analyze sentence by sentence, how should she respond when her daughter said this, and how should she accept when her daughter had emotions. After doing this for two or three weeks, she felt that her relationship with her daughter had eased a lot, and her daughter became more talkative. One night before going to bed, her daughter suddenly said to her: \”Mom, you love me.\” These words moved her mother\’s heart. When my daughter has grown up, she has said \”Mom loves you\” countless times, and her daughter will respond: \”Yes, I know.\” However, this is the first time that this sentence has been uttered from her daughter\’s mouth. This means that she feels her mother\’s love from her mother\’s changes, and she begins to confirm that she is important in her mother\’s heart. This is a landmark sentence in their mother-daughter relationship. Back to the child’s question at the beginning of the article. In fact, what the child cares about is not the pen, but that the mother always does not recognize his needs and uses various \”correct\” reasons to tell the child: It is wrong for you to think and do this. On the surface, what he wants is a pen and a bottle of drink, but in fact, what he wants is his mother\’s approval and her tolerant and accepting love. The mother only sees right, wrong, and should, but does not see the child\’s inner needs and feelings. I think what the child blurted out, translated, what he really wanted to express was: \”You are my mother, I need your recognition and acceptance, I need you to see how I feel. If you can\’t Come on, what value do you have to me? What value do I have?\”