Criminal psychologist: Parents should be careful if your children don’t get close to you

During this time, a parenting video by Professor Li Meijin became popular in the circle of friends. I was quite surprised, a little surprised. I was not surprised by the content of the video, but I was surprised that Li Meijin was so good at talking about parenting. Li Meijin is a professor at the People\’s Public Security University of China. She has been engaged in research on criminal psychology and adolescent psychological problems for a long time. She is known as \”the first person to profile criminal psychology in China.\” Li Meijin is a criminologist, but she frequently talks about parenting in the media. I couldn\’t help but read a lot of information about her online, and then I understood her profound meaning. Because, during her years of work, she discovered that behind the bloody cases were the painful and twisted souls caused by improper upbringing. Criminals are all raised. Early nurturing cannot be overemphasized. The concepts Li Meijin talked about were not actually new, but when they came out of her mouth, they were so real and painful that they could not be ignored. Li Meijin said that people’s psychological problems are delayed in response. Today\’s behavior is not because of today\’s problems. Those inexplicable and incomprehensible behaviors often have their roots in the past. The sensational Yao Jiaxin case is a typical example. In October 2010, Yao Jiaxin, a junior student at Xi\’an Conservatory of Music, knocked down a 26-year-old woman, Zhang Miao, while driving home. At that time, Zhang Miao was not dead, but was lying on the ground, moaning in pain. Yao Jiaxin quickly got out of the car to check and found that she raised her head as if she was memorizing the license plate. So Yao Jiaxin took out a single-edged knife bought for self-defense from the bag he carried with him and stabbed Zhang Miao eight times. Zhang Miao died immediately, and he drove away and accidentally injured two people on the way because he was afraid and panicked. Why did a college student who was described by a friend as gentle, quiet, well-educated, and an art student suddenly murder someone without any premeditation? Yao Jiaxin’s own explanation was: It was too dark and I didn’t know the extent of her injuries, so I felt very scared and panicked. I am afraid that rural people will be difficult to deal with and will come to me endlessly for medical treatment and compensation claims. Murder is much more serious than claiming compensation. Isn’t it worth the loss? Moreover, for the first time to kill someone, one or two stabs was already a lot, but he stabbed eight times in such a cruel way? The case in which Yao Jiaxin was eventually sentenced to death caused Li Meijin to get flooded with drool on the Internet because she analyzed that the reason why Yao Jiaxin stabbed him eight times in an instant was related to his long-term piano training. The analysis sounded very imaginative, but more and more interviews and evidence emerged later, showing that Li Meijin\’s analysis was reasonable. Yao Jiaxin was born in a strict family. In addition to studying, Yao Jiaxin\’s life since childhood was to practice piano. In order to practice the piano, his parents would whip him with a whip and lock him in the basement. Except when he could go upstairs to eat, he would practice in the dark the rest of the time. His childhood was very painful, and he once thought about committing suicide every day. Yao Jiaxin\’s heart had already accumulated nuclear explosion-level anger, but he suppressed it unconsciously. When he injured Zhang Miao and found her recording the license plate, extreme fear opened the door to his heart like a key. The anger in his early subconscious controlled him like a devil, but he didn\’t even know it. He seemed to be back when he was a child and was pressed against the piano.Just like before practicing the piano, his heart was filled with grievances and pain, so he went crazy and stabbed the piano eight times in a row, just like when he was depressed and smashed the piano when he was a child. Li Meijin, Yao Jiaxin\’s piano player, said that her psychological analysis of Yao Jiaxin did not mean to exonerate him. She just believed that all unreasonable things had their origin. People are actually a product. It is a product of society, education, and most importantly, a family product. When a child has character flaws, the problem often lies in his early upbringing. Most children who have experienced trauma will seal up their memories and suppress their fears. They may act as if nothing has happened at the moment, but it is like taking the wrong medicine, which is slowly released throughout their lives, leading to varying degrees of physical or personality problems. In the end, the child is like suffering from a chronic disease, which is difficult to detect, but always makes mistakes again and again like a fate. Moreover, this is almost irreversible, and it is difficult to get cured. You can only prolong your life with the disease. Li Meijin has talked about many similar cases, among which the case of Huang Yong in Pingyu was the one that impressed me the most. 27-year-old Huang Yong is a farmer in Pingyu, Henan Province. He has been introverted and wilted since he was a child. He has never caused trouble and has lived an ordinary life. But in just two years from 2001 to 2003, while living alone, he modified the frame of his noodle rolling machine into a killing machine, named it \”Smart Trojan\”, and then went to Internet cafes, game halls and other entertainment venues to kill people. In the name of playing games at home and subsidizing schooling, he abducted 17 teenagers back home, tricked them into lying on a \”smart Trojan\”, tortured them, and finally strangled them to death with strips of cloth. A total of 17 living lives, they were still half-grown children, they had no enmity or enmity against him, they had not committed any mistakes, yet they were killed by him so cruelly! In fact, Huang Yong also arrested an 18th person, a child named Zhang. This child was particularly gentle and kind. Huang Yong tortured him for three days. He never got angry or scolded Huang Yong. He just kept crying and begging, \”Brother, don\’t kill me. I don\’t want to die.\” Huang Yong. Yong hesitated, but his answer was: \”The killer\’s sword is double-edged. If you don\’t die, I will die. You will die tomorrow.\” On the morning of the fourth day, Huang Yong was about to kill him, but he cried and begged again. Huang Yong: \”Brother, please don\’t kill me. Ugh~~ You also have parents. If they come back and can\’t find you, they will be so sad. What will they do when they get old?\” After saying this, The room was quiet, and the child vaguely seemed to hear the sound of crying. He heard Huang Yong whisper: \”Our family never cares about my life or death. If I die, they don\’t even know. They don\’t care about me!\” The child responded immediately out of instinct: \”Uncle, don\’t kill me. If you don\’t mind, consider me your godson. When you get old, I will raise you. Let\’s live together, okay?\” In one sentence, the child was finally saved. Tears flowed from the corners of Huang Yong\’s eyes. I think at that moment, he was touched by the child, and he felt a love he had never experienced before. A trace of warmth emerged in his heart, which made him finally let the child go. Later, the child\’s parents called the police, and the police arrested him and brought him to justice. Yes, Huang Yong was extremely evil and heartless, but what we can’t see is that he must have been lonely and suffered, but, no one helped him when he needed help. Li Meijin said that Huang Yong\’s parents had always gone out to work and had never accompanied him. The absence of family affection caused serious deformities in his character. When he was 11 years old, he saw the murder film \”Free Guy\” and regarded the equally lonely and mysterious killer as his idol. He kills innocent children to practice his killing skills, hoping to feel the feeling of a killer in the children\’s cries and screams. Huang Yong is cruel and pathetic. There is no love in his world, so it is difficult for him to feel the pain of ordinary people. He is emotionally incompetent and lives alone in the twisted world he constructed, with no one able to rescue him. Of course, not all children who are raised improperly will become perverted killers. But the perverted killer, tracing back to his early years, almost all experienced parenting problems. From this perspective, it is true that \”if the child does not teach, the parents will blame.\” Therefore, Li Meijin has always believed that the problems of minors are caused by adults. When children have problems, parents have no excuses and should look for reasons within themselves. Psychologists have done a famous \”sensory deprivation\” experiment. Volunteers live in a separate room, where they have food, sleep, and money, but the room is isolated from the outside world and has no stimulation. The longer volunteers stay there, the more money they make. But if you don\’t want to, just ring the bell on the bed and you can come out. On the first day, the volunteers went to bed after eating enough and ate when they woke up. On the second day, they had enough sleep and could not sleep anymore, so they began to sit in a daze. By the third day, most of them had begun to think wildly. It was so painful that I even had mental abnormalities and had to come out. As a result, even with financial incentives, the average time volunteers stayed there was only about 76 hours. Humans are emotional animals. Even if you are materially satisfied and have no emotions, people cannot bear it. This is why the most severe punishment in prison is solitary confinement. Why do psychologists say that parents\’ lack of response is a desperate situation for babies? Li Meijin has always emphasized that raising a child is definitely not just about eating and drinking enough. The most important thing is to provide psychological support. Simply put, it means spending time with your children. Playing with him and caring about his emotions and inner world are more important than making and saving money for your child. Especially between the ages of 1 and 6, which is a critical period for children to establish an attachment relationship. If the child has not been able to establish this kind of psychological relationship with the caregiver, then the child is very likely to have abnormal psychological development. His personality, interaction with others, etc. will all be affected. has a problem. Li Meijin said that the ruthlessness of perverted killers like Huang Yong often stems from the fact that they did not have a \”psychological attachment object\” when they were young. She can even draw the growth trajectory of a perverted killer. First of all, what is a psycho killer? It means not killing people because of money, sex, hatred, or even conflict, they have no motive. When they are young, they are generally ignored. The parents leave after feeding, and the child has no one in front of him and can only play with himself. By the time they are five or six years old, most of them are quiet, talk little, and do not like to communicate with others, but they do not cause trouble. Teachers and family members easily ignore them. grown up, they became a lone wolf, without love (at most they only scared the opposite sex), without friends, and without a job that lasted long. Their lives have always been ordinary, but usually around the age of 25, they begin to behave abnormally. Because of hormones, their sexual impulses can no longer be suppressed. This sexual impulse needs to be released and establish a relationship with the opposite sex, or it needs to be sublimated and developed into the realization of self-worth. They are eager to make a splash and to be respected and affirmed by others. But this is often not possible, so they start committing crimes. These perverted killers are extreme cases, but from another perspective, they illustrate the importance of early attachment relationships and psychological upbringing. These gruesome cases are rare in life after all. What is more common in life is that when children reach adolescence, they suddenly become very strange and alienated from their parents, or they start to learn badly, and their parents beat and scold them, but just a little bit. Useless. Why? Li Meijin said that because \”it\’s too late\”, being a parent really has an expiration date. Only when an attachment relationship is established can children voluntarily accept the influence of their caregivers in terms of discipline and ideas. In layman\’s terms, it means that the child will be brought up by you and kissed by you, and then he will listen to you. Otherwise, when the child grows up and enters the \”onset period\”, you won\’t be able to control it even if you want. A child\’s growth is irreversible, and he will not always wait for you to finish your work before coming back to be intimate with you. There is a lot of helplessness in life, which forces us to make many forced choices. I’m not saying that every mother should become a stay-at-home mother, or that she should sacrifice herself for the sake of her children, but I want to say that after we become parents, we need to take out dedicated time from our busy rhythm to accompany our children wholeheartedly, even if Only half an hour a day. Care about his thoughts, care about his preferences, care about whether he is happy, not just about eating, drinking and having diarrhea. It’s more important to pay attention to your children’s hearts than their bodies. Every child born into the world is initially innocent and kind. If he grows up to be cold and cruel, it must be because he experienced too much ruthlessness in his early life. Don\’t be stingy with your time and love when your children are young. What they want is not a lot of toys. You are their best partner.