Violent education is the most dangerous education

There was once such a video that went viral on the Internet: In Shuyang, Suqian, a man beat a seven-year-old girl in a supermarket. In the video captured by the supermarket surveillance camera, the man grabbed the girl\’s hair, slapped her several times, and then picked up one of the child\’s legs, swinging her around like a rag doll. Throw it on the ground. The girl struggled to escape, and the man picked up the mop in the corner and swung it at her head and face… Such atrocities were already surprising, but what was even more surprising was that the man who committed the violence was actually the little girl\’s biological child. Father. Just because the little girl did not report to her parents, she took her younger brother out to play. The angry father punched and kicked her as a form of discipline. After watching the video, many netizens said that the girl\’s experience evoked memories of being beaten by her parents when she was a child. Yes, in life, the phenomenon of using violence to educate children is everywhere, and it is not uncommon. Many parents will take action against their children, trying to punish their children for their mistakes and vent their emotions in this way. Two professors, Tian Lan and He Junping from China University of Political Science and Law, once conducted a survey on the phenomenon of parents corporally punishing their children. Survey results show that nearly two-thirds of children have experienced violent education in their childhood. Among the 498 respondents, 54% admitted that they had been corporally punished by their parents when they were in primary and secondary schools. The main form of corporal punishment was hand beating and kicking, accounting for 88%. Many other parents used sticks, sticks, and kicks. Belts, hangers and other tools are used to commit violence. Many parents who spank their children believe that I do so out of deep love and deep responsibility. Violence education can make children deeply reflect and correct their own problems. However, educator Tao Xingzhi once said: \”Corporal punishment is not enough to make children improve their behavior. On the contrary, it will push children into the abyss of darkness.\” Parents\’ violence is not love, but harm. It will give children future problems. Life brings more problems. Foreign research shows that children who are often exposed to physical violence at home may have an imbalance in their self-perception. The beatings from their parents make them feel that they are \”undesirable\” since they were young. As a result, they have low self-esteem and sensitivity, and even express feelings of self-loathing. They lack confidence in learning and work, and want to give up at the slightest setback. In relationships, they may lack trust, be cold and distant. Because they have been beaten since childhood, they will subconsciously believe that no matter how close people are, they may suddenly turn against them and become full of hostility. Therefore, when facing the love and enthusiasm of others, they always remain timid and suspicious. In terms of physical health, they are also facing a crisis: because they have been exposed to negative emotions and high tension since childhood, over time, psychological stress leads to physiological disorders, which can lead to serious sleep problems, heart and intestinal problems. Dr. Montessori said: \”Parents often unintentionally hinder children\’s development and cause lifelong deformities in their children.\” Yes, many parents are eager to educate their children and feel that their children \”cannot be effective unless they are trained\”. However, in fact, violent education, Not only will it not allow the child to grow up smoothly, it will also leave him with lifelong pain as he grows up. When educating children, parents\’ physical violence will have serious consequences; and parents\’ verbal abuse will have serious consequences.The impact of verbal violence on children cannot be underestimated. Education expert Yin Jianli once told a story: A single woman in her late forties came for consultation because of severe depression. During the conversation, the woman talked about her own upbringing. She grew up in a cultural family: both parents were teachers and attached great importance to her learning. She has been familiar with poetry since she was a child. She is smart and has excellent grades. She has always been regarded as \”other people\’s children\” in the eyes of everyone. Unfortunately, her parents made an irreversible mistake, which gradually made her mentally depressed. When she was 5 years old, she accidentally wet the bed. When her parents saw this, they said with great disdain: \”You stopped wetting the bed when you were 2 years old. Now you are 5 years old. You are simply regressing as you live.\” When she was young, she was extremely ashamed when she heard such words. Because she was afraid of wetting the bed again, she had insomnia for a long time before falling asleep that day. Maybe it was because she was too nervous, maybe because she didn\’t fall asleep in the first half of the night and slept too soundly in the second half of the night, so she wet the bed again. This time, the parents were even more angry. Her mother reprimanded her with a look of disgust on her face: \”Are you deliberately causing trouble? It\’s embarrassing for such a big child to wet the bed.\” Her father put on a cold face and warned her in an extremely serious tone: \”Once again, again, not again. If you dare to do this again, I will be rude to you.\” Her parents\’ cold words filled her with humiliation and fear. So, the next night, she wet the bed again due to excessive anxiety. From then on, things fell into a vicious cycle: whenever her parents had a bad attitude, she would be so scared that she wet the bed; and whenever she had a problem, her parents would become even more eccentric and use all kinds of words to ridicule, condemn, scare, and sarcasm her. So, she She began to wet the bed more frequently… Later, her parents finally realized that verbal attacks could not solve the problem, so they began to take her to see a doctor. However, no Chinese or Western medicine worked for her, and she still wet the bed as an adult. This incident completely changed the trajectory of her life. The damp mattress and the unpleasant smell became an indelible mark of shame in her life, preventing her from living her true self. During the college entrance examination, although she had excellent grades, she did not dare to apply for admission to a prestigious university in other places because she was afraid that she would be embarrassed if she lived in a dormitory. When she was in college, she didn\’t dare to fall in love because she always had a strong inferiority complex; after working, even though she was beautiful and had numerous suitors, once a man found out about her problems, he would resolutely leave her. Heartbroken, she committed suicide by slitting her wrists, but was fortunately rescued. At first, she thought that her problem was purely physiological and a hidden disease of the urinary system. Later, I slowly realized that if it was a physical disease, it would have been cured by medicine. Only long-lasting heartache will be incurable. She gradually understood that it was her parents\’ verbal violence that caused severe psychological irritation to her and brought endless pressure to her life. Everyone around her already knew that she had this problem. She felt like a prisoner with tattoos on her face. This ugly mark would remain with her for the rest of her life and could not be erased. In desperation, when she was almost 40 years old, she began to drift north, hoping to live more comfortably in a strange city. However, the inferiority and self-blame in her bones were still accumulating. As time went by, they becameIt turned into severe depression. In addition, her work pressure is relatively high, and even the smallest things can cause her to have a psychological breakdown and be deeply stimulated. She has completely lost confidence in life and relies on sleeping pills and antidepressants every day, trying to survive in despair. For her, life is too long and too boring. She doesn\’t know how to survive the next few decades, because living in the shadow, she feels that everything in the world is meaningless… So Yin Jianli said: Like a Just as doctors are helpless in front of terminal cancer patients, I am also helpless in front of her pain. There are too many such butterfly effects in education. It is a trivial matter and parents can solve it with a relaxed and happy attitude. However, because parents treat their children in a harsh way, it not only does not help solve the problem itself, but also causes problems. The child is left with long-lasting psychological trauma that is difficult to heal, and in severe cases, it can even destroy the child\’s life. Yes, although verbal violence does not cause physical scars on children, it does cause them psychological harm and mental pressure. It may even cause them to struggle in pain, depressed and psychologically distorted throughout their lives. Educator Montessori once said: \”Every psychological defect is caused by some kind of wrong treatment experienced by children in their early years. Therefore, we must treat children as gently as possible at all times.\” Parents\’ violent education, It can only cause physical trauma and mental harm, making it difficult for the child to heal. Only by educating and tolerating children with a gentle and tolerant attitude can we achieve great results and turn the spring breeze into rain. Educator Makarenko once said: \”In a good family, there will never be violence. This is the most correct family education path.\” When a child\’s behavior does not meet our expectations, we can take Use some positive and gentle ways to let your children cooperate with you to solve problems calmly. Well-known parenting experts Jane Nelson and Adele Fabo once gave parents the following suggestions: 1. Ask heuristic questions. When your child is misbehaving, heuristic questions can make your child follow your train of thought. , explore the consequences of your actions. Kindly but firmly ask your child, \”What happened when you did that? How did it make other people feel? What can you do better in the future?\” Then listen to your child\’s answers with an open mind. , ask the children to provide solutions. By doing this, you are talking to your children and making them think, rather than lecturing them. Therefore, your children will be more likely to listen, empathize with you, realize their own problems, and improve their own practices. At the same time, this also helps the child express his subjective experience and exercise his ability to think, judge and solve problems. 2. Use your sense of humor. When a child does something wrong, his heart is already full of uneasiness and fear. At this time, verbal violence and physical violence can only make him or her worse, but a gentle joke can not only prevent parents and children from Conflict can also help children relieve their emotions and face problems. My classmate once talked about her experience of bedwetting as a child. At that time, when her mother saw her wet quilt, she would always smile and say: \”Hey, you drew a map.\” This mother knew that what had happened had happened, and she would neverGetting angry won\’t help. It\’s better to be humorous and treat this behavior as performance art and interesting creativity. After the child heard this sentence, she would giggle. She recognized the problem but was not hit. From then on, she would consciously drink less water every night. As she grew older, the problem went away. 3. Pay attention to the way of expression. When communicating with others, in terms of influence, the content of communication only accounts for 7%, but the method of communication accounts for 38%, which shows its importance. If the parent\’s method of expression is to accuse the child at length or beat him, he will have resistance and rebellious emotions and be unwilling to do what he should do. However, if the adult just describes the problem to the child, the child can focus on the problem itself and understand what he should do. For example, if a child forgets to turn off the light in the bathroom, you only need to simply describe the fact: \”The light is still on\” and he will turn off the light. If your child forgets to take his school bag, you only need to simply remind him \”your school bag\” and he will immediately go back to get the bag and correct the problem. For children, shorter messages are easier to remember and more effective. At the same time, because parents have an objective and calm attitude and can give prompts gently, children are naturally willing to cooperate with parents who express their emotions rationally. If a parent is angry and is afraid of being rude during communication and hurting his child by venting his emotions, he does not have to use words but can also use words to express himself. You can write a note to your child that explains your point of view clearly and logically. Handwritten things make people feel sincere and thoughtful, which enhances the effectiveness of the information. When children see content written by their parents, they are more likely to have positive emotional experiences and accept your suggestions. Young children are as delicate as flowers. They are afraid of violent punishment and like gentle advice, just like flowers are afraid of frost and rain but like sunshine and drizzle. When children feel the gentle and positive attitude of their parents and have a stable sense of security, they will grow up healthily and be more willing to be self-disciplined in their behavior. Jane Nelson once said: \”Children do better when they feel better. When children feel emotionally connected and loved, they are more motivated to cooperate with you, learn from you, love and respect others. By Respect your child\’s feelings, and you will establish a warm and trusting relationship that will benefit your child throughout his life.\” When educating children, the attitude of parents determines the fate of the child; the pattern of the parents determines the outcome of the child.