The older the child gets, the more he behaves badly, hitting others, lying, swearing… can he still get better?

I saw an article in Moments a few days ago. The mother who wrote the article found that as her son grew older, he began to show signs of moral decay: he would hit others without scruples when he was angry, use swear words endlessly, deliberately antagonize adults, etc. wait wait wait. Looking at the child who is only 5 years old, the anxiety in the mother\’s heart is already surging, which directly reminds her of the child\’s lawlessness and wandering on the edge of the law more than ten years later. What did I do wrong to raise my child to be like this bear? The child seems to be broken. Can it be repaired? Which part should I start with? This reminds me of when I was a child, both my mother and teachers often gave me a metaphor, saying that children are like small saplings, which will always sprout a branch on the left and a branch on the right for no reason. Teacher He\’s task is to always supervise this naughty little seedling. When he sees branches that shouldn\’t be there, he must pick up the knife and chop them off without mercy, so that the little tree can grow straight and smooth. Tall and strong, he will become a pillar of talent in the future. After listening to it, I thought it made sense, and I suddenly felt honored to be scolded and scolded. But after having a baby, I learned some about child psychology, and then recalled my childhood, and suddenly found that this \”cutting off branches theory\” is really true. That\’s ridiculous. Are those bad behaviors really like overgrown branches that will grow to the point of destroying the main trunk if not cut down? Why do adults always look at children with the eyes of superiors and superiors? Will the child\’s bad behavior be infinitely magnified? When a child gets angry and hits someone, the parents immediately think that he will grow up to become a violent maniac. If the child learns to conceal or distort the facts, the parents immediately judge his moral character to be corrupt. Saved… All in all, as a child, you must conform to all the positive energies in the world – innocent, honest, kind, well-behaved, sensible, polite, and highly emotionally intelligent – as long as you show any \”bad\” signs, you should be ruthlessly repaired and ordered to make corrections. If it doesn\’t change for a while, the adult will start looking at the child with a \”hopeless\” look, as if he has seen the child\’s tragic future and his own bleak old age. I wonder if some parents have been \”adults\” for too long, and then collectively lost their memory of their childhood. What\’s wrong with the child being such a bear? Think about it, were you a morally perfect child when you were a child? Even if you are really a good kid in behavior, haven\’t you ever been dissatisfied, wronged, or viciously cursed in your heart? Children are not as pure and flawless as you think. They are actually a combination of angels and demons. They not only possess the purest kindness and innocence, but also have natural and unpretentious evil. They can be as selfish and cruel as little beasts. , greed, and any means necessary to achieve the goal, you may not want to admit it, but this is the true appearance of a child, just like where there is light, there must be a shadow. Therefore, it is not that children become more \”bad\” as they get older, but that children have a \”bad\” side in their nature. It\’s just that as they grow older, they have more ability and wisdom to be \”bad\”, just like lying. This requires a certain level of IQ to be able toDo it. If children do not do bad things, it is not because they do not want to do them, but because various conditions restrict them from doing them. Once conditions permit and it is in their interests, they will immediately \”do bad things\” without hesitation and harm others in various ways. There is no psychological burden at all. Why are children so bad? Because they have no mature moral sense of right and wrong at all! This is determined by the child\’s mental development level. As long as he does not grow up, he will not be well at all. If you think about him, teach him, and punish him for the mistakes he made ten thousand times, it will only make him restrain his behavior, but it will not immediately improve his moral level. According to Piaget\’s theory of child development, a person must go through several stages from childhood to his moral outlook being truly finalized, and it is impossible to develop in leaps and bounds: The first stage is the \”pre-moral stage\”: children before the age of 3 are There is no moral sense, they just do things according to instinct, without any concept of \”good\” and \”bad\”. The second stage is the \”restrictive moral stage\”: it probably occurs when children are between 3 and 7 years old. The morality in children\’s minds at this stage is the orders given to them by their elders and authorities. They are completely passive and heteronomous. They are thinking When deciding whether to do this thing, there is only one criterion to consider, and that is what parents or teachers will say, and whether there will be any punishment if you do it wrong. If a child finds that his parents or teachers are not present or have the ability to stop him, he will feel no pressure to do bad things. The third stage is the \”cooperative ethics stage\”: it probably exists when children are 8-11 years old. Children at this age begin to discover that if I behave more nicely and be a good person, I will gain benefits from interacting with others. Beneficially, my friendliness and goodwill will also be exchanged for the friendliness and goodwill of others, so they begin to learn to respect themselves and others, try not to do things that others hate, and maintain good relationships with relatives and friends around them. During this period, the moral standard in their minds is: Will it affect their relationships with others? If the relationship between a child and someone is seriously unequal and cannot be mutually beneficial, the child will be prone to disregarding morality. Then the child\’s moral level gradually enters a stage of development from about 12 years old to maturity. The child begins to form his own set of moral standards and has different moral judgments for different people in different environments until the end of adolescence. When they reach adulthood, children will gradually and truly form their own \”conscience\” and \”moral bottom line\”. They will have many things that they \”can\’t do but disdain to do\” and will eventually change from an \”animal\” person to a A \”socialized\” person. Before the moral concept is truly formed, at least before adolescence, it is really normal for children to behave without any concept of right and wrong, good and evil, because a child\’s moral concept itself is very shallow, one-sided and rigid, and he needs to encounter more problems. As people experience more things, their little minds become smarter, and only then can they have their own inner judgments about \”good\” and \”bad\”. Before that, he was just trying his best to act like a \”good boy\” in accordance with the requirements of society or authority. Because he had problems with his understanding or had limited control over himself, he would be in trouble if he didn\’t pay attention.Revealing the fox tail. If you can ignore the fox tail and let them continue to pretend, they will finally pretend, and the external constraints will gradually internalize into inner rules, and the pretending will become true. If, before the child has formed a mature moral outlook, the elders and authorities make arrogant moral judgments about the child and label the child as \”bad\”, then there is no need for the child to pretend to be \”bad\” and they will directly identify themselves as \”bad\” Man is simpler and easier, because this is exactly in line with the authority\’s evaluation of him. This recognition of oneself as \”bad\” is terrifying. I once watched a documentary. After being arrested, a vicious criminal kept repeating: I am a very bad person. I have been bad since I was a child. When I was in elementary school, my mother always wanted to spend all the family money. Keep it with you forever, otherwise it will be stolen by me… He constantly used various childhood experiences to emphasize that he was born bad, as if all this was fate. But does a kid who steals money have to be a bad kid? The famous writer Sanmao once wrote such a true story: When she was a child, she once stole a large banknote from her family because she wanted to buy something she liked. Soon her mother found that the money was lost, and she searched for it desperately. Seeing this posture, Mao was frightened again, so he quietly put it back. In fact, Sanmao\’s father discovered that his daughter had stolen money, but instead of exposing her, the father began to give some pocket money to the children at home every month. Sanmao was grateful to his father for this incident. Stealing money is certainly a very bad behavior, but the different perceptions of parents will lead to a completely different life for the children. The only difference is whether the parents want to believe that the child is a thief or a good child who is temporarily confused. \”Do parents believe their children are good or bad?\” Perhaps this should be the most important question in parenting. If parents think their child is good, they will love him wholeheartedly, trust him, encourage him, accept him no matter what mistakes he makes, forgive him, and let the child become closer to him; if parents If you think your child is bad, you will dislike her, scold him, guard against him, turn a blind eye to his strengths, cling to his mistakes, push the child further and further away, and eventually lose your influence and control over him. The world seems to be more idealistic than we imagine. The more you are afraid of something, the more your behavior will be distorted by fear and anxiety, which will actually cause that thing to happen. Therefore, there are no \”bad\” children, there are just parents who are too anxious and eager to have a perfect child, but cannot accept the dark side of their children. Looking back, think about it, what is it that creates the morality and conscience in our hearts? Is it blaming and preaching? No, it’s the way those closest and most beloved people in our lives behave every day! If your child loves you and is close to you, he will naturally want to be like you. Even if he learns badly for a while, as long as your influence on him is still there, he will eventually learn it back. The meaning of growth is trial and error, taking detours, running away and then coming back, right? A child is indeed like a young sapling, but the role of parents is not to be a gardener, but to be the sun. There is no need to cut branches, as long as they emit a steady stream of sunshine.Without light and heat, the child will naturally grow towards the sun, and those twigs and twigs will not affect the growth direction of the main trunk. Please believe that your child is a good child, even if he is naughty, mischievous, and behaves evilly… Please believe that it is temporary. Do what you should do, and then wait for time to flow quietly.