Why do I feel sorry for the child who was praised so harshly? [Worth for every parent to ponder]

Yesterday, I took my son to play in the community and met a very cute little girl of 3 or 4 years old. A little boy next to her wanted to hold her hand, but the little girl threw him away. Then the little girl looked up and asked the grandma next to her: \”Why did he hold my hand?\” The girl\’s grandma replied: \”He wants to be friends with you.\” The little girl then said, \”Is it because I\’m pretty?\” The grandma was stunned for a moment and then said, \”Yes, our baby is the most beautiful.\” After listening to grandma\’s words, the little girl glanced at the little boy with some disgust, curled her lips and said, \”I don\’t want to play with him. He\’s not pretty.\” Then he turned around and ran away. Grandma was extremely embarrassed and kept trying to smooth things over. When she saw her granddaughter running away, she hurried over to chase her. This incident reminds me of a little boy I met in a trial class of an interest class a few days ago. In the waiting area of ​​the interest class, there were some puzzles. The little boy’s mother brought him a 9-piece puzzle, and the little boy quickly put it together. When the mother saw this, she quickly praised: \”My eldest son is so smart, he\’s awesome.\” Then the mother gave the little boy a 12-piece puzzle. The boy fiddled with it a few times and threw it away if he didn\’t put it together properly. I stayed aside and ran elsewhere to play. No matter how much his mother yelled behind him, he refused to play the puzzle anymore. Praising our children for being beautiful and smart is something we often do. But as time goes by, there are always times when we feel vaguely that something is wrong. Children who are often praised for their beauty and handsomeness begin to use appearance as a criterion for choosing friends, and attribute their popularity only to their beauty. Children who are often praised for their intelligence may give up easily when encountering difficulties and are unwilling to challenge new problems. Why does overpraising children make things worse? Carol Dweck, a famous psychologist at Stanford University, has repeatedly studied a topic for ten years: the impact of praise on children. Their research team conducted experiments in more than 20 schools in New York. The test was divided into four rounds, requiring children to independently complete a series of intellectual puzzles. In the first round, the topic setting is very simple. After the children complete the puzzle task, the researchers will divide them into two groups: one group of children will be told: \”You are very talented in puzzles, you are very smart.\” and the other group will be told. Ask the children: \”You worked very hard just now and performed very well.\” In the second round, the questions vary in difficulty and the children can choose freely. The results showed that most of the children who were praised for their intelligence chose the same simpler questions as in the previous round; while most of the children who were praised for their hard work chose questions that were more difficult than the first round. In the third round, they deliberately created some difficulties for the children and set some more difficult questions. The children who were praised for their intelligence remained nervous and frustrated throughout the whole process; while those who were praised for their hard work kept working hard and thinking about various ways to solve the problem. In the fourth round, the difficulty of the questions was set to be the same as that in the first round, but the results were surprising – those children who were praised for their hard work received 30% higher scores than those in the first round; while those who were praised for their smartness received scores lower than 20% in the first round. Dweck explains: “Praising children for their hard work will give them a sense of control and they will think success is in their own hands., so it is easier to accept and overcome setbacks. \”And those children who are praised for their intelligence often do not realize the importance of hard work, so they often dare not take risks in order to maintain their intelligence. Once faced with unknown risks, they are often helpless and have poor ability to withstand setbacks.\” De From this, Weick pioneered the \”growth mindset\” theory, believing that whether it is a child or an adult, abilities can be developed like muscles. Everyone has the ability to do what they want to do, no one is born a genius. In contrast, the \”fixed mindset\” believes that people\’s abilities are innate. In order to avoid making mistakes, these people will be afraid of trying and unwilling to change. Praising a child for being smart or hardworking will give the child two different mindsets and ways of thinking, thus affecting the child\’s perception and choices for the future. How to praise and encourage children? Real praise is to encourage children in a targeted manner and give them self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment. Praise children for their acquired efforts rather than their innate advantages. I once read a short story. A domestic scholar went to Europe to study and once visited a professor\’s home. When the scholar saw the professor\’s beautiful 5-year-old daughter, he couldn\’t help but praise: \”Your daughter is so beautiful.\” However, the professor decisively stopped him and asked him to apologize to the little girl. The professor explained: \”The daughter\’s beauty is not due to her, but depends on her parents\’ genes, which has basically nothing to do with her. But children are young and cannot tell the difference, and they will mistakenly think it is their own ability. \”Instead of being beautiful, you can praise my daughter for having a nice smile or being polite.\” When praising a child, praise the child\’s acquired strengths so that the child can gain a sense of accomplishment after hard work. Praise the details instead of talking in generalities. Last week, a mother took her daughter to early childhood education class. She watched her son climb up the slide and then slide down. The whole time, she kept shouting, \”Son, you are awesome.\” \”Son, you are great.\” , you are amazing.\” \”Son, you are amazing.\” The little boy has been immersed in his own little world, unmoved by any of his mother\’s exclamations. The early education teacher said to this mother: \”Your praise can be more specific. For example, you can say: Baby, you can climb up step by step by yourself. Mom is so proud of you.\” From the day the child was born, he continued to bring Surprise us, laugh, look up, turn over, call mom, walk, help mom with housework… Don\’t always give your children general praise like \”You\’re awesome\” or \”You\’re so awesome\” \”Cute\” \”You are so smart\”. When your child just learns to walk, try to say to him, \”Baby, you did it. That\’s great. Walk slowly and a little farther. Mom is so happy.\” When your child has built a building block house, try to Say to him: \”Baby, you are very imaginative and the house you built is very creative.\” Praise should come from the heart and respect the uniqueness of the child. In the Indian movie \”Stars on Earth\”, the 8-year-old boy Isha is a talented child. A child with dyslexia but extremely talented in drawing. Because of her poor grades, Isha was sent to a strange boarding school because her parents thought she didn\’t study hard. She lost interest in life for a while.Give up on yourself. Later he met an art teacher who changed his life. The teacher saw his talent in painting, recognized him in his own unique way, and encouraged him to pick up his paintbrush again. He told children in class the stories of the physicist Einstein, the inventor and painter Leonardo da Vinci, and the Indian rock star Abhishek Watson: they all suffered from dyslexia, but they all had unique talents. . He said: \”People who change the course of the world see the world with different eyes and have special ideas, so not everyone understands them. They seem to be in opposition to the world, but once they succeed, they amaze the world.\” Later, Isha With the approval and encouragement of the art teacher, I picked up my paintbrush again and became famous in an art competition held by the school. I became a \”star student\” and regained my confidence and happiness. Psychologist Rudolf Drex wrote: \”Children need encouragement, just like plants need water. Without encouragement, the child\’s character will not develop healthily, and the child will not have a sense of belonging. Encouraging children is a continuous process, the key point It’s about giving children self-esteem and a sense of achievement.” True praise of children will give them full confidence and courage to challenge the unknown, and will allow them to find a sense of belonging and self-worth. Effective praise will not waste every opportunity for children to grow.