Should the grace of upbringing help children or ourselves?

Do you still remember those moments when we had parent-teacher conferences when we were young? Parents of children who are praised look calm, with a hint of pride that \”my child is very good\”; parents of children with average grades always look a little uneasy on the surface; if unfortunately our grades are at the lower end, many parents don\’t even dare to Look directly at the teacher at parent-teacher conferences. It seems that what they went to get was their own transcript. I once heard a classmate talk about her experience in junior high school. Her grades in junior high school were top-notch, and her parents were proud of her. Her parents, who were not highly educated, took her to bookstores on weekends to buy suitable books to prepare for high school entrance exams. At the teacher\’s invitation, they signed her up for various competitions. Parents make all kinds of efforts so that their children can get into high school. However, there was one thing that she couldn\’t let go of. Every year during the Chinese New Year and family gatherings, her parents would proudly tell their peers about her achievements. Therefore, in many cases, she fears the annual New Year dinner because her parents want to show \”their report cards.\” Why, as parents, do they unconsciously think that their children’s report cards are their own achievements? I don’t know when it started, but the standard for evaluating parents became their children’s report cards. However, I often wonder, is it the parents’ business or the children’s business to complete their studies, which takes a full 16 years (to undergraduate degree)? Last Friday was a particularly anxious day for most mothers in Hangzhou. My classmate T is no exception. She was nagging me early in the morning. T: What should I do? I have an interview with a private school tomorrow. Me: Nothing to do, just take me for an interview… Before I could say anything else. She started again. T: I haven’t given him much training on interview content. He still couldn\’t sit still. Me: You can tell him the precautions. I took my daughter to a mock interview last week… Before I could finish, T asked: Please tell me about the mock questions. Me: There will be a question about equivalent substitution… As I said that, I wrote the question to her. Then, she didn\’t reply for a long time. I tried to comfort her: My daughter can\’t do this question, and I think I understand it. This seems to be the difficulty of my second and third grade mathematics back then. However, my explanation only comforted myself and did not alleviate her anxiety. Her: Did you mention any other points deductions besides test questions? Me: Yes, children who yell and cannot sit still can be vetoed with one vote. She stopped replying at all. I called her and she told me that she was going to buy snacks to suppress her anxiety. I asked why she was so anxious. She said that of course she was worried that her children would not meet the requirements of private schools. Me: Is that so? According to your personality, you should prepare your children in advance. Her: That’s the problem. I started working during this period (I took care of my children at home and stayed employed for several years). When I got home, my children were often already asleep. I don\’t have time to accompany him, nor do I have time to help him prepare for exams and interviews. I feel guilty. Me: …but you like your current job, don’t you? she is. But I think I should change my job later. I should wait until he finishes this interview. If my child doesn\’t get admitted to a private school because I don\’t have time to tutor, I\’m not a good mother… Similar to T\’s situation, another mother M also recently changed jobs and needed toTo adapt to the new environment. She and her husband had been vaccinated: At the beginning, I had a lot of new information to digest, and I had to leave the child to you to deal with it. He understood very well and began to take over the tutoring of the children after class. He moved back the time he originally spent on work and study, and gave the entire time to his children. My daughter also began to like her father\’s tutoring methods. Unexpectedly, the man who had always been calm became so anxious that he often couldn\’t sleep in the middle of the night after he started raising a baby. Last night, M saw him sitting on the floor meditating again and asked: What\’s wrong? He: I\’m worried about whether my child can keep up with the pace of primary school. If my child\’s grades are not good, I feel useless… He said: Should I help her first and put myself in the next step? Why am I getting more and more anxious and scared about raising children as I approach 35? Living in the Internet age, we have access to more cutting-edge parenting knowledge, allowing us to know more and more what a “good” parent is. We dare not neglect anything from children\’s enlightenment education, promotion from early childhood to primary school, and interest cultivation. I spend a lot of energy, fearing that I am not a good enough parent, and fearing that my child will fall behind in some way. I don’t know since when, our children’s report cards represent ourselves, and our children’s success is our success. We seem to be in a long relationship with our children. For the sake of our children, we have almost become a complete \”good mother\” and \”good father\”. What about ourselves? But don\’t know where. Y went to Ali after graduating in 2008. After she gave birth to her child, she originally planned to let her mother-in-law take care of the child. My mother-in-law took care of her for a few days and found it too tiring, so she asked Y to leave her job and help take care of the child at home. Y was reluctant to give up the opportunity provided by her current job and confessed her thoughts to her husband. What also surprised her was that her husband decided to quit his job and take care of the children at home until the children could go to kindergarten. When she mentioned this in the mothers\’ group, we all envied her for having such a considerate husband. But what her husband said was: Children are children, and we are us. As a parent, it is much more reliable to realize your own ideals than to let your children realize their ideals for you. The core concept of \”healthy self-understanding\” in psychology is: understand yourself, have a clear understanding of yourself, do not look at yourself in the eyes of others, and do not prove yourself in the achievements of others. This includes other people, including children. Only by being honest with yourself can you be honest with your children; only by taking good care of your own emotions can you take good care of your children. Therefore, in the long-distance \”love\” race with your children, don\’t forget to leave a place for yourself. Love our children, be ourselves, pursue what we want, and tell our children, \”Look, mommy will fight for what she wants. You have to work hard too!\”