Every child who is not self-disciplined is disturbed by such mistakes behind his back.

Many parents have a mantra: \”If you are not good, then I will be good.\” If you don\’t do your homework now, I won\’t buy you new shoes; if you speak rudely, your iPad will be confiscated; If you continue to be undisciplined in class, you will be beaten… Shafali Sabari, a famous American psychologist and a doctor of psychology at Columbia University, calls this kind of discipline the \”prisoner-prisoner\” model. Delay the problem instead of solving it. American educator Jane Nelson also said in her book \”Positive Discipline\”: \”When children feel threatened, they will not judge whether their actions are right or wrong.\” They have been trained and scolded, but most of them The child will never cry with gratitude and think: \”I did something wrong, my parents did it for my own good, and I will never do it again.\” Because: Sometimes, the child will not do it for the time being because he is afraid of punishment. But when the \”fear\” disappears, they still have short memories. Sometimes, an overly harsh attitude will make children become more cautious next time they want to make a mistake, or even learn to lie, and miss the opportunity for self-reflection. Sometimes, excessively severe criticism and punishment can easily arouse children\’s rebellious psychology and make them ineffective. Children have a knack for making their parents angry. If he is desperate, he may even harm himself to get revenge. Sometimes, a self-defeating child will not try to outwit you, nor will he take revenge on you. He is just \”tired\”, and adults can do whatever they want. There are several consequences of punishment, none of which we want. So what can you do to make your children \”obedient\”? You can try the natural consequences method. After they \”eat the consequences\”, they will naturally learn to behave. What is the Natural Consequences Act? Let me first take a mother living in Germany as an example of her daily life with her baby. The mother said that when she went to the kindergarten to pick up her children several times in winter, she saw some children going crazy outside without hats, gloves or even coats. German teachers will not beg children or threaten them with authority to wear clothes. Instead, they say: \”We all give children coats, hats and scarves, but if the child resolutely refuses, then we can only let him go. Isn\’t it cold?\” Cold is his own feeling, and he will naturally want to wear it when he feels cold. If a child under 3 years old really refuses to wear it, he cannot go out to play and can only stay indoors. Whether to wear a hat or stay indoors is up to the child. \”If What if the child gets cold and sick because he doesn\’t wear enough clothes? \”That is also the natural consequence of his or her own choice. Children must learn to bear the consequences of their own actions. If they get sick this time, they will know to wear warm clothes when going out to play next time. We will clearly inform the children of the consequences of each choice when they make a choice. Corresponding consequences.\” If you don\’t eat, you will starve; if you don\’t wear enough clothes, you may catch a cold; if you walk and play with your mobile phone, you will fall easily; if you lie to your friends, they will stay away from you… This is the natural consequences method. The significance is that the child\’s behavior itself produces unpleasant experiences, and the child experiences the consequences from the development of the matter, summarizes the causal relationship, and thus spontaneously corrects his inappropriate behavior. This process does not require adult emphasis and intervention. The natural consequences method originated from Rousseau in France in the 18th century, and was developed and enriched by Rousseau in England in the 19th century.Spencer. These two famous educationists believe that natural consequences are indispensable for children\’s growth. Without the experience of natural consequences, children\’s lives will be empty, and many preachings will have no foundation. No matter how much we preach to our children, they are all external. Children may obey our orders because they are afraid or worried about being punished. They may not really understand the true meaning of \”commands\” in their hearts, and they may not understand the cause and effect relationship. . Only when children internalize the causal relationship of \”behavior-consequences\” and truly understand and agree with it, the teaching will have a foundation and meaning. For example, when the child is very young, we don’t want the child to get burned when eating. Some children learn not to touch hot things by being burned (of course, children need to be protected from being burned). After having the experience of being burned, if parents say something is hot, the child will consciously not touch it. But if the child has never been burned and parents tell them not to touch hot things, this kind of teaching lacks foundation. It can be said that the biggest reason why children have not learned self-discipline is that the causal relationship does not achieve an effective enough pairing, and this is usually caused by interference from parents and elders. Parents are worried that their children will bear the natural consequences (getting burned), so they choose to use punishment (reprimands or beatings) instead. This is undoubtedly telling their children: Even if you don\’t do well, as long as you accept the punishment, your parents will bear it for you. as a result of. So when the child grows up, who else will help him bear the burden? So, it’s no big deal if you get hungry, get burned, or fall down. The natural consequences method not only allows children to experience unpleasant and even painful experiences from their own mistakes, but also allows them to naturally long-term memory and proactively adjust their behavior, rather than based on \”my parents don\’t let me do it.\” It also allows children to learn to take responsibility for their own actions. However, when using the natural consequences method, you must also pay attention to methods and master the basic 3R principles. -The 3R principle of the natural consequences method-American educator Jane Nelson proposed a 3R principle, that is, when using the natural consequences method, you must pay attention to related, reasonable and reasonable, and parents and children should respect each other. 1. Relevance Correlation corresponds to randomness, which means that the consequences must be related to the child\’s behavior and clearly connect the behavior with its educational function. Therefore, if a child makes a mess at home, the consequence education he needs to receive is to clean up the house instead of being punished and never being able to play with toys again. 2. Reasonableness: Give the child an appropriate treatment for his inappropriate behavior. This treatment must be understandable and acceptable based on his age and cognition. For example, if a 3-year-old baby spills a carton of milk, don\’t expect him to wipe the milk off the floor by himself, because this is something beyond his ability. In this case, what we have to do is lean down and help the child dry the floor. But what if the child doesn’t do what he has to do, or the child doesn’t suffer any repercussions as a natural consequence of his misbehavior? For a while, I wanted Xiaochuan to pack his Lego, and I would nag him at least three times each time. However, my nagging does not exist in his world.It didn\’t leave many traces, and he would still go his own way next time. At this time, you definitely can’t say, “You can’t watch TV (like that) until you finish packing the Lego.” I reversed the sentence structure. It was also about putting away toys, so it became \”After putting away the Lego, you can watch TV.\” This is natural consequences education, and the effect is earth-shaking. Xiaochuan obediently packed up the toys. Such expressions will convey an important principle to children: only after you have done what you must do can you do what you want to do. At first, he may miss out on his favorite programs because he refuses to act in this way. But once he accepts the message that after putting away his toys he can watch TV, he will enjoy the joy of natural consequences. 3. Respect Jane Nelson believes: \”When a child does something wrong, he already feels very bad, and may even be regretting it.\” If you want your children to truly experience the natural consequences, the attitude of parents is very important. Shaming and complaining will only make things worse. Some parents often use emotions to make excuses: \”I told you a long time ago, but you didn\’t listen, and now you have a cold!\” \”You didn\’t eat when I asked you to eat, are you hungry now?\” Humiliation, only for The person who inflicts humiliation benefits because it feels \”good\”. It\’s hard enough for a child to bear the natural consequences, but it\’s even harder to bear the shame of a parent. In fact, using the topic to express emotions of blame, humiliation or pain is attached to the experience that the child can naturally obtain, allowing the child to shift his attention to dealing with the emotions of his parents, which closes the door to proactively recognizing his own mistakes. In addition, once the law of natural consequences is implemented, it cannot be abandoned midway. For example, if a child always fails to eat properly because of snacks, parents make an agreement with the child: \”If you don\’t eat at noon and there are no snacks in between, you have to wait until dinner.\” However, when a child cries because of hunger, many people will If you don’t want your child to be upset, or you are worried that your child will be hungry, you will give up the agreement midway and give your child an extra meal. Of course, children cannot develop the good habit of eating on time. Also take the above example of a 3-year-old baby spilling milk. If the child refuses, we should not give up our principles easily, but should gently hold his hand and wipe the floor with him. If your child is acting up and crying, hold him in your arms to soothe him, but only after he has wiped some of the milk off. In short, when parents give up their principles, their children cannot experience the natural consequences and naturally cannot understand whether their actions are appropriate. On the contrary, he will learn the cause-and-effect relationship of \”every time he encounters a problem that cannot be solved, he will try his best to grind the adults down.\” – Special cases of the natural consequences method – In some cases, the natural consequences method cannot be used. For example, touching the switch, playing with the kettle, playing with needles, running around on the road, throwing stones at others, etc. Putting away hazardous items until your child is old enough to handle these situations is the most effective method. In addition, my own experience is that for many things, it is difficult for children to experience the natural consequences in a short-term and direct way. For example, not brushing your teeth will take a long time to cause dental caries. The natural consequences are not so immediate, and such consequences are We can\’t afford it. At this timeParents need to take the initiative to create immediate, visible, and direct consequences, that is, to transform natural consequences into logical consequences. A mother on the Internet @GraceMummy shared such a thing. Her daughter likes to walk barefoot on the floor tiles, but she cannot let her child immediately experience the fact that \”bare feet will catch cold.\” She solemnly talked to her daughter about her views on getting sick from walking barefoot, and told her that in order to avoid this situation, if she continued to go barefoot, she could only cover all the floor tiles in the house with carpets, and the cost of buying carpets would need to be from Deducted from her New Year\’s money. The mother and daughter happily reached an agreement, which also allowed the child to establish a connection: walking barefoot – spending money on carpets. There is no coercion, no excessive preaching, respect for children\’s choices, even if they are wrong choices, and let children learn lessons from the consequences of their actions. This is natural consequence education. We don’t need to be afraid of children making mistakes, because making mistakes, bearing the consequences—summarizing experiences—and improving behavior is the only way for children to explore, learn, and continuously improve their self-understanding. Without this process, the child will not learn to be responsible for his own actions, and he will not be able to become an independent self.