You don\’t have to be a good mother

Many friends will say, I really want to be a good mother. But why, I just can\’t control my temper? Why do I always hurt my child inexplicably? That\’s because we don\’t know ourselves. I want to be a good mother and a good father. A very important prerequisite is whether you have understood the relationship between you and your own parents, and the relationship between you and your caregiver. When you read a lot of parenting books and master a lot of methods, but you don\’t know yourself, you will find that those methods either only work for a short time, or you can\’t use those methods at all. At this time, you might as well ask yourself, how did you grow up? If you were a child, how would you like your parents to treat you at this time? When you think about it this way, you may have different feelings, and you may be able to truly understand your child. There are many new mothers who criticize themselves and always feel that they are not doing well enough. For example, they worry about not having enough milk, worrying about not being able to provide the best care for their children, worrying that their carelessness will affect their children\’s psychological growth, all kinds of worries and anxieties, and they regret every mistake they make. They are demanding that they be the perfect mother. The reason for this is often that these mothers did not receive enough maternal love when they were children, so they imagined a perfect mother to take care of them. When you become a mother, you will automatically use the image of this perfect mother to demand of yourself. However, this actually caused tension and helplessness in myself. The communication between the child and the mother in infancy is at the subconscious level. The child can understand the mother\’s anxiety from its own level and express it directly with the body. What children report back is anxiety and restlessness when their mothers are in this state: crying, not sleeping, restless, and restless. If a mother can be calm, relaxed, and stable, and create a peaceful atmosphere for her children, the children will naturally feel refreshed, quiet, and contented. Perfection is like a limitation, which not only limits the mother\’s role, but also limits the child\’s feelings. Why limit yourself to the perfect role? Let me start with the story of a visitor. This client was consulting on marital issues. She didn\’t know why her husband wanted to divorce her. She respects her parents-in-law, takes care of her children, and has a good job. She is a good wife, daughter-in-law, and mother in the eyes of everyone. But why does her husband insist on divorcing her? She said that even her parents-in-law stood by her and complained that her son was out of his mind. During the consultation, the most common thing she said was: What did I do wrong? ? She did nothing wrong, she was a perfect wife. However, it is precisely because it is so perfect that all the husband sees is his own unhappiness. She would often say this: I have done my best to be benevolent and have a clear conscience. What is the subtext of these words? What she is actually saying is that any problem in this family is not my fault, it is not my fault, it is all my husband\’s fault. This is what the perfect wife really means: I do it so perfectly that I have no responsibilities in the relationship. So what does it mean if you are the perfect mother? The perfect mother isIt\’s very scary, that means: I have done my best as a mother, so any problems this child has have nothing to do with me, they are all the child\’s own problems. Perfect, like a mask. When you are being a perfect wife or a perfect mother, perfection is a huge defense against your reality. One mother said that there was a time when she had to feed her baby at night, which also caused her to have poor sleep. One night, the child kept breastfeeding and kept her from sleeping well. She couldn\’t control her emotions and yelled at the child: \”Eat whatever you want! You have to breastfeed at such a big age!\” After yelling at the child, she felt very guilty. Because in the beginning, I decided to feed the child until he weaned naturally, but now he blames the child for breastfeeding. After having this awareness, she said to the child: \”Mom is very sleepy now and doesn\’t want to feed you!\” Although she was also rejecting the child, the essence was very different. \”Mom is very sleepy now and doesn\’t want to feed you!\” This is a real mother rejecting her child. It is true that children will be sad when they are rejected, but this sadness is real, can be faced, and will pass. \”\”Eat whatever you want! He still needs milk at such a big age! \”This is the mother wearing a mask blaming the child. In order to defend the fragile self, the mother has an evaluation of the child. The child has formed a false self in the mother wearing the mask. The child will feel, It would be nice if I didn\’t have to breastfeed, it would be nice if I didn\’t bother my mother, it would be nice if I could do better. Not only will the child be rejected, but he will also have self-doubt and feel shame. The child\’s false self, As a result, children have also learned to revolve around their mother and the feelings of others, and we have all lost our true selves. Nowadays, there are many parenting concepts that put pressure on many parents. What can\’t be done? What to do? A friend of mine said that when she was with her children in the past, if she was in a bad mood, she would try her best to hide it. However, she found that the children would still capture their parents’ emotions. At that time, she could always help the children When she sees uneasiness and timidity in her eyes, the child will become cautious when speaking. Later, she will directly tell the child how her mother is feeling now and what factors have affected her, causing her to feel sad, nervous, anxious, etc. All kinds of emotions. After she did this, she found that the child would accept her mother\’s bad state calmly. The most important thing was that the uneasiness in her eyes was gone, and the child no longer had to be cautious. Children do not need perfect parents. All you need are real parents. If you really feel irritated with your child, you can tell it honestly: Mom is in mood now and doesn’t want to agree to your request. This is her own emotional problem, not your fault. When you communicate with your child When you are pregnant, truly tell your child what you were feeling at the time and what caused your mother\’s emotions instead of blaming the child. In this way, the child\’s subconscious feelings and consciousness will not be split or hurt. When we can When we are responsible for our own emotions, children will not be easily troubled by other people\’s emotions in the future. When we are willing to admit that we have problems and are willing to admit that our relationship with our children can beYou can have shortcomings and be willing to change them, and you know that it doesn\’t matter even if you can\’t change them. As long as you know your problem is there and you are willing to see and admit your mistakes, you are a good enough mother. You don\’t need to be perfect. What if you see a problem in yourself but you can’t seem to solve it no matter how hard you try? Then just admit that it\’s there, and that\’s good enough. The perfect mother is a mask, but the real mother has warmth. Although there are still problems, she has established a real relationship with her child. This mother really stays with her child with her own heart and her own feelings. If you only look at right and wrong when raising children, parents will never understand their children. If you face yourself only on the good and bad levels, you will never be able to find your true self. Parents don’t need to be perfect, but they need to constantly see the truth and be honest with themselves and be true to their children. What is better than perfection is reality, when parents truly face themselves, and when children see their true self. You don\’t have to be a good mother, 60 points is enough. This is a good enough mother.