How miserable will life be for children who are often denied by their parents?

I went back to my hometown some time ago and met a classmate from elementary school. He is currently busy with blind dates because his family is in a hurry. He said he was not anxious at all and felt scared every time he went on a blind date. As soon as I saw the girl, I felt panicked. \”You shouldn\’t! You\’re handsome and your job isn\’t bad. Girls should like you.\” \”When I was little, my mother always scolded me for being ugly, lazy and ugly, and that I wouldn\’t be able to find a wife in the future.\” he said helplessly. \”I scolded a lot, and I really felt a little inferior. Do you still remember that time, a female classmate handed me a note. When I got home, my mother found out. The result was that sentence again, \’You look like this, Even if you don’t study hard, there are still girls who like you!\’\” Alas! I was hurt so deeply by my mother back then. Even after I become an adult, I still carry that label. That kind of inferiority complex has little to do with one\’s age and achievements. When the famous director Jiang Wen was being interviewed, the host asked him, \”What is the biggest failure you have encountered in so many years?\” Jiang Wen said many things, such as why my relationship with my mother has not been good for so many years. No matter how hard I try, it doesn\’t work: \”I don\’t know how to make her happy when she sees what I do. She always looks unhappy.\” I bought a house for my mother, but she didn\’t show much joy. She didn\’t live in it yet because she didn\’t like it. When he was admitted to the Chinese Theater Academy, when he showed his mother the notice, she didn\’t show much joy. She threw it aside and said, \”Your clothes haven\’t been washed yet. Don\’t talk to me about this.\” From a career perspective, Jiang Wen is successful. But in his heart, he still felt a sense of loneliness when talking about his mother. He tried hard to make his mother happy and expected recognition. In fact, every child longs for the approval of his parents. Even as an adult, this is still the case. I generally don\’t like to talk about work at home. But sometimes when I go back to my hometown, I always tell my mother something about myself, intentionally or unintentionally. For example, my article was adopted by a big publisher! My first book is published! I always hope to get my mother\’s approval. She smiled slightly every time. Even so, it is a rare recognition for me. After becoming a father, my feelings deepened. When Xiao Xiaoyu was one or two years old, he often showed me some gadgets he made. His big eyes were dazzling and his little head was raised high, anxiously waiting for my response and evaluation. \”This little fish looks really similar. Your little dinosaur is really good!\” Even though there was only a slight resemblance, he became even more interested after getting my approval. Along the way, he kept creating, and I kept accompanying him, giving him responses and encouragement. Watching his paintings getting better and better, listening to the stories he made up becoming more and more exciting. Sometimes I’m cramped or in a bad mood because of some time on my hands. You will also become impatient when faced with his repeated questioning or pestering. He would even say harsh words, \”What is this! Do it again!\” \”Think about it for yourself, why do you still ask after you understand so well?\” Then he was left feeling sad. In the movie \”Patin Bear 2\”, when Iron Fist, the fierce chef in prison, said: \”Dad always said I was good for nothing,\” it hurt the hearts of many people. Because many people who appear to be strong and fierce hide a wounded heart. A lot of pain will happen over timeto repair the spread. But some pain will always remain with you. Especially children who were often denied by their parents when they were young, they always want to find other ways to gain confidence. You will spend your whole life searching for the approval of others. In Patin Bear, when Iron Fist\’s carefully prepared food was given to the prisoners, he tightly covered his eyes because he was worried that they wouldn\’t like it because he was afraid of being denied. But when he found that everyone liked to eat, he jumped up excitedly. He was happier than anything else when he got everyone\’s approval. When you deny a person, he will establish a psychological protection zone to protect himself, resist or reject you, and close himself off. This is why some parents say that their children do not obey discipline, and the more they scold them, the more disobedient they become. In fact, it was your own denial that pushed him away. And affirming a person will give him confidence. If you have ever performed on stage, you will definitely feel this. The affirmative looks or nods from the audience below will give you the confidence and strength to better present yourself. A netizen on Zhihu told a story of his own: Ever since I was a child, my parents have not given me much affirmation. Especially my mother, every time she scolds me, she always scolds me with some unpleasant words, such as \”You are a waste with a human head and a pig brain, I hate you when I see you\” and so on. I have always been deeply impressed by the words she scolded me. I can’t remember how long I was heartbroken and cried because of these words she scolded me. Many times I wanted to do something, but my parents and even my family members kept denying me, thinking that I couldn\’t do it well. It feels like they have been instilling in me the concept that you are just a little fool who can\’t do anything but cause trouble. Over time, I seemed to believe this \”fact\” myself and felt that I was indeed incompetent and couldn\’t get things done. I just accepted the role they assigned me, and I would unknowingly act stupid in front of outsiders, and then others would judge you as \”stupid\”. …There is a concept in psychology called \”native inferiority complex\”, which mainly occurs in childhood. The main reason for this inferiority complex is improper family education. The most typical characteristics are making children feel helpless, weak, and inferior to their peers. If parents keep emphasizing their children\’s shortcomings, they often talk about their children\’s mistakes. Over time, children will feel that they are really like this. In the end, the child really grows into something you hate. For you, this is not the achievement of a prophet, but a tragedy. Please remember, never deny your child at any time. Even if he really didn\’t do well. Vygotsky, a psychologist from the former Soviet Union, believed that \”every child\’s development and learning should occur in the \”zone of proximal development.\” This area refers to the area where the child is currently unable to do it independently, but with the help of others , the scope of development that can be achieved under guidance.\” Therefore, parents\’ encouragement can help children achieve breakthroughs. If even parents give up hope, it will be a huge blow to the children. Please believe in the power of belief. I remember when I was a kid, I alsoI once complained that life was too hard. \”Why don\’t others do things and can play every day.\” \”Why is our family poor and other people\’s families rich!\” But I want to thank my grandma. She never complained about the unsatisfactory life, and she never denied me. She was also very happy when she saw that the certificate I got back said I ranked fifth or went home without a certificate. When relatives come to my home, they tell me that I am good at studying and that I have won certificates time and time again. After I heard it, I felt very happy and carefully posted the certificate on the wall. During the college entrance examination, I failed in the first year. She told me, \”If you don\’t do well in the exam, it doesn\’t matter if you try again.\” But at that time, many relatives tried to dissuade me, saying that it was stupid to repeat the exam and that they would not be assigned work. But in the end, I borrowed money from everywhere, repeated my studies, and finished college. \”Thank you for never denying me. Thank you for doing your best for me.\” I have told my grandma countless times in my heart. She never bowed to suffering, but used her shoulders to carry life and hope at the same time. And he always believed in me that he would become great. You know, the trust parents give their children is precious. It can repel those shadows of inferiority in childhood and allow children to grow up warmly.