The comparison mentality among other people’s children will leave your child with a bone-deep inferiority complex.

I watched a program a few days ago, and I wanted to smash the TV after watching it. The name of this program is \”Youth Talk\”. The show was quite fun at the beginning, with a cute boy standing on the rooftop and shouting to his mother: He never wants to eat apples and eggs again! Because his mother heard that apples were good, she gave him an apple a day for six consecutive years. Later, she thought eggs were good and gave him an egg a day. The child could hardly stand it after two years of eating. Although my mother smiled shyly and said that it was these foods that made you so handsome, she still agreed to her son\’s suggestion. What really makes people feel distressed is the second girl who appears. She said that her mother always compared herself with others and the person she was most often compared to was her best friend who was a top student. Her mother\’s most common words are: You are so bad, how can anyone want to be friends with you? No matter how hard she tries, her mother will never encourage her. She always says she is poor. She stood on the rooftop and asked her mother with all her strength, why I have been working hard, but you have never seen it? The girl was already crying at this time. As an outsider, she felt very distressed when she saw this scene. But her mother didn\’t understand her thoughts at all. Instead, she said condescendingly that her evaluation was relatively objective. She hopes that her daughter will learn good study habits and master good study methods through comparison. The child said that it was uncomfortable to be hit often, and the mother immediately hit the child in public, saying that it was for the child\’s good and to prevent the child from being distracted. The daughter said that she was not suitable for provocation and would feel bad if she was hit all the time, but the parents never changed. The mother did not face her daughter\’s problem squarely. Instead, she talked about it and said: I have done everything I promised you, but have you done what you promised? Then the mother began to preach non-stop: pat when you are strong, push when you are weak, the child must change to make progress, thinking that it will definitely not help the child. Such long speeches really make people want to smash the TV! The little girl also cried sadly. In the mother\’s eyes, other people\’s children are perfect, while her own daughter is useless just because she is not as good at studying as others. When her daughter was on stage, her mother\’s expression was serious and frowning. But when the \”student from other people\’s family\” whom her mother had always praised came on stage to give a speech, her mother had an expression of admiration. Looking at the obvious contrast in attitude before and after, you can better understand the loss in your daughter’s heart! After watching this video, I felt very uncomfortable in my heart. I especially hated the mother\’s attitude, because when I was a child, my mother kept comparing me with other people\’s children. From the time I became conscious, \”other people\’s children\” have always been the object of my study. When she was a child, she was more obedient than me, ate faster than me, and slept better than me. After going to school, she wrote more neatly than me, took class more seriously than me, drew more beautiful pictures than me, got more compliments from teachers than me, and got better grades than me… …In different places, at different stages of life, in different schools, and in different classes, there is such a “child from another family”. Day after day, year after year, this \”other people\’s child\” has deeply become a part of me. Even if I leave my parents after going to college, I will still set myself up as \”other people\’s child\”. . Especially every time I go to a new place, I recognizeWhen I meet new friends, my first feeling must be that I am so terrible, so terrible. What my mother once said, \”You are so terrible, how can others want to be friends with you?\” naturally turned into my inner voice: \”I am so terrible, I am so stupid, so bad, and unworthy of being friends with these people who are so much better than me. I am not qualified.\” Although this feeling has become much better with the continuous self-growth, but occasionally in strange situations, this feeling still remains. Will surface from time to time. Not just me, every child who is compared by his mother will have this kind of inferiority deep in his bones. Some time ago, a mother asked me to talk to her daughter who was in adolescence. She said that her daughter had poor grades and was very unsure of herself. She wanted me to talk to her to help her daughter become more confident. I felt very strange at that time. I have met her daughter. She has fair skin and is very beautiful. She is the type who will be noticed unconsciously in the crowd. She is good at singing and dancing, plays musical instruments very well, has strong leadership skills, and is good at communication. From childhood to adulthood, She has always been a class cadre, and although her academic performance is not the best, it is not bad either. How can such a girl not be confident? It wasn\’t until I talked to the little girl that I knew what the problem was. Little girls are often compared with \”other people\’s children\” by their mothers. What impressed me deeply was that when I complimented her on her beauty, what flashed in the girl\’s eyes was not the happiness of an adolescent girl at being praised for her appearance, but disgust. She said impatiently: \”What\’s the use of being beautiful? You can\’t be a meal if you\’re beautiful.\” Eat?\” I deliberately retorted: \”Who said that beauty cannot be used as food? Many women can live a comfortable life just by being beautiful?\” But she quickly replied: \”They are shameless. If they only rely on their ability, they may live a comfortable life. Do you need to moisturize it?\” Listening to the girl\’s words, I already roughly knew what the problem was. Sure enough, when I asked my mother if she often said things like \”being beautiful is useless\” to her daughter, my mother said that because her daughter was beautiful, she had been praised in various ways since she was a child. She was worried that her daughter would be praised too much and lose herself. So all kinds of suppression. Especially after puberty, every time my daughter starts to pay attention to dressing up, she will criticize and ridicule her. When she was in junior high school, her daughter bought a floral skirt. When she tried it on excitedly at home, her mother came back, furious, and said, \”Is this skirt suitable for you? No wonder your grades are getting better and better now.\” Oops, it turns out that you have been thinking about dressing up all day long. You think about buying clothes every day. Buying clothes can help you get into a good university? Why can\’t you just focus on studying like sister XX? Look at her, let\’s go You are memorizing words everywhere and solving problems in your dreams. What about you? You are always dreaming about buying clothes, right? You think you can earn a living just by relying on your reputation. That is shameless!\” In anger, my mother took out the scissors. Cut the floral skirt to pieces. From then on, every time my daughter was praised for her beauty, she would feel deeply disgusted. Not only in appearance, but also in other aspects. No matter how good her daughter\’s performance is, the mother feels that it is useless. If her grades are not good and she does not study hard, it is a flaw. The mother will use this to attack all the children\’s advantages and make the children feel that they are worthless. . Many parents are like this mother, regardless of their children’s talents.No matter how many points they have, they feel that it is not good enough, especially when their children\’s grades are not good, it is useless no matter how good they are in other aspects. Parents will definitely take advantage of poor grades and criticize them severely. Parents think that I hit you like this for your own good, to prevent you from being too proud. It’s just that they don’t know that parents’ denial and criticism will make children feel less confident. What’s even more frightening is that over time, children will establish a sense of interaction with each other: I don’t deserve success, and I don’t deserve to be appreciated and affirmed by my parents. A friend of mine breaks out in a cold sweat, feels scared and uncomfortable every time she is exaggerated by others. The strangest thing is that her ability is very outstanding, and sometimes her work performance will be outstanding, but more often, she works hard but does not achieve good results. We had an in-depth chat, and my friend recalled that when she was a child, her parents rarely praised her. Most of the time, her parents affirmed, appreciated, and praised other children, and they basically denied, dissatisfied, and attacked her. A friend said that no matter how hard he works, he rarely gets praise and praise from his parents. A friend said that during one final exam, she tried her best and scored 98 points. This was the best score she had ever received. She went home with her report card happily, thinking that she would be praised by her parents. Who knows, when my parents saw the results, they curled their lips and said, \”Look, why did you lose two points? If you worked harder, couldn\’t you get full marks?\” When my father came back from the parent-teacher conference, he said to his friend There are even more accusations. When my father came home, he shook his head and said: \”You are actually still proud and think you did well in the exam. Do you know? Your class XX got 100 points in the exam this time. Her usual scores are about the same as yours, but she works hard enough and works hard enough.\” , you can get full marks in the exam. I\’m so proud of you, I really don\’t know how you have the right to be happy!\” My friend\’s heart felt as if a basin of ice water had been poured on her. She was extremely disappointed. Part of this disappointment was for her parents. In her heart, she really hopes that her parents can see her and see that although she did not get full marks, she worked hard enough. When she did not get the expected response, she began to be disappointed with her parents. She didn’t know why she still got the score despite working so hard. There is no approval from parents. This disappointment was more for herself. She hated herself for why she was so stupid, so bad, and why she still messed up things even though she tried her best. If this pattern keeps repeating, the friend will conclude that no matter how hard he tries, he will never be recognized. This also makes her more accustomed to being criticized, denied and blamed. Although such emotions will make her feel terrible about herself, because this is a familiar interaction mode to her, being criticized will make her feel at ease. On the contrary, if she does a good job and is affirmed and praised, because this is the way she has never been treated by her parents when she was growing up, this feeling is very unfamiliar to her, so she will break out in a cold sweat, She feels uncomfortable all over and feels that she is not qualified to be valued and praised. She will try her best to make her grades worse as quickly as possible. Therefore, the efforts made by parents to prevent their children from being too arrogant not only bring the children back, but also make the children fall into the quagmire. As the children grow up little by little, they will try their best to pursue failure.The result is a repetitive experience of this always-familiar interaction pattern. Not only that, those who grew up being praised by their parents as \”other people\’s children\” will repeat this pattern when they become parents, involuntarily comparing their own children with other people\’s children, and asking their children to learn from \”other people\’s children\” child\”. That\’s how I am. When educating Zaizai, I often uncontrollably compare Zaizai with other children. Sometimes, my consciousness has told me that I can\’t say that, and I can\’t compare others with Zaizai, but I just know how to do it. You do it out of nowhere, and you do it with confidence, thinking that I said it just to make you feel better! Every time when I calm down and reflect, I hate myself very much. I don’t know why I uncontrollably become the person I hated most. Until one time, I asked my son’s dad why he could control himself from comparing his parents with other children. We had an in-depth conversation about how his parents treated him when he was a child, and I discovered that because his dad was an only child, the children of his parents’ relatives and colleagues did not. People of his age have parents who are also busy with work and have no time to pay attention to their classmates. Zai\’s father was never compared with other children by his parents when he was a child, so he was not used to comparing Zai Zai with other children. As for me, because I have been compared since childhood, this is the pattern I am most familiar with. When encountering similar scenes, my brain will smoothly connect to this method, so I will uncontrollably compare Zaizai with other children. Comparison, especially when my emotions reach the breaking point. Although through continuous self-improvement, my heart has become much stronger and I no longer frequently compare Zaizai with other children, but how can it be so easy to eliminate all the familiar patterns that have followed me for decades? If you want your child to be confident, humorous, unique, and successful in his career, then try to focus on your child, accept his uniqueness and irreplaceability, dig out his shining points, see him, appreciate him, and affirm him. He, accompany him, love him unconditionally, let the child maximize his own strengths and abilities, and let him become himself. This is the responsibility of parents. Using other people\’s children to suppress your own children, setting an example for your children, and constantly \”praising other people\’s children\” for all their good qualities will not help except destroying the children from the core and destroying the parent-child relationship. If you really want to compare, compare your child’s today with yesterday!