When getting along with children in adolescence, don’t keep an eye on the children, but keep an eye on yourself.

A few days ago, a mother left a message: My daughter’s grades were very good in the first grade of junior high school, but she didn’t want to go to school from the second grade of junior high school. I have a bad temper. Although I have read many related books, those methods are of no use on my daughter. Sometimes, I couldn\’t help but beat, scold or ridicule my children, and afterwards I felt extremely self-blame and regret. Our relationship was once very bad. I\’m worried that my child won\’t be able to study hard and lacks too much knowledge. I\’m afraid that he won\’t even be able to pass the high school entrance exam. I tried so hard for change, but in the end nothing changed. Mom’s messages are filled with a series of negative emotions such as frustration, anxiety, self-blame, worry, regret, and powerlessness. On the surface, it seems to be the child\’s academic problem, but what actually needs to be solved is the mother\’s emotional problem. According to the emotional ABC theory of American psychologist Ellis, A\’s daughter does not want to go to school, which is the triggering event; B\’s child\’s lack of progress in study and failure to enter high school is the mother\’s view and evaluation of the event; C\’s beating or ridiculing the child is related to Poor relationships between children are a result of the mother’s emotions and behavior. Such a result is obviously not what my mother wants. What she wants is for her daughter to study hard and get into high school. The interpretation of this message is not to blame anyone. We all know that when a child encounters academic problems, it is a relatively big problem for the child; when a parent encounters a child\’s academic problem, it is a relatively big problem for the parents, at least in the exam-oriented education system. Is this problem easy to solve? From the parents\’ point of view, it\’s easy to understand. As long as the children want to go to school and study hard, the problem will be solved. However, in the eyes of children, it is difficult to understand. I just don’t want to go to school and can’t learn, what should I do? Most parents are unwilling to face or admit that their children do not want to go to school or cannot progress in school. They cannot find a way to discuss with their children the difficulties they encounter in study or life. They lose control of their emotions due to anxiety and get angry at their children. Afterwards, I felt extremely self-blame and regret. I believe most parents have experienced this process personally. Often, it stings the child and hurts oneself, and the parent-child relationship deteriorates. Once the parent-child relationship enters the swamp, for adolescent children, the parents\’ words become \”You are right, but I won\’t listen to a word of it.\” Or, it may be the other way around, both for defense and revenge. A good parent-child relationship is the prerequisite for effective communication. When communicating with extremely sensitive adolescent children, what you say is not the most important. What is important is the non-verbal information conveyed in the communication, such as attitude, facial expressions, tone, etc. According to the 55387 law of effective communication: body language of communication accounts for 55%, tone of voice accounts for 38%, and content accounts for 7%. In the process of communicating with our children, we often use threats or harsh tones to reason (preach). For example: You are already in the second year of junior high school. If you don’t study hard, you won’t be able to pass the high school entrance examination. As you are now, do you still want to be a writer when you grow up? We save money and live frugally so that you can go to school. If you don\’t study hard, who can you blame? Look at Yanzi, he ranked third in the class this time. Look at you, you only ranked eighth, which is one place lower than last semester. We have only one request for you, and that is to study well. Thinking back to when we were in middle school, how did it feel when we heard such words? Do you suddenly realize it and study hard, or do you sneer and retort?Ridicule? Adolescence is a period full of confusion and chaos. A period when you are dependent on your parents but have a heart that longs for independence. A period when you know you are nothing but mistakenly believe that the world is drunk and you are alone. A period when in reality, you are alone. A period of struggling and trying to find oneself, a period of vulnerability. Academic problems in adolescence are often not just academic problems, but are often accompanied by growing pains, interpersonal communication, emotional control or other behavioral problems. This is a problem that everyone will encounter when growing up. Some problems will automatically go away after this stage, and some will not. If parents are willing to look for the key to the lock with their children, even if the problem cannot be solved, they can deepen their feelings and understanding of each other. As the story of \”Key and Lock\” reminds us, if you can\’t make a key, don\’t make a stick. The story goes that there was a big solid lock hanging on the iron door, but even after a lot of effort, it couldn\’t be pried open with an iron rod. The key came, its thin body got into the keyhole, and with just a slight turn, the big lock opened with a \”snap\”. The iron rod asked strangely: \”Why can\’t I open it with so much effort, but you opened it easily?\” The key said: \”Because I know his heart best.\” The heart of an adolescent child is a needle under the sea. Sometimes, even if you speak softly and with good intentions, you will inevitably be regarded as a donkey. No parent has a master key. We should all strive to use humor and patience to accept ourselves, our imperfections, and our own powerlessness, so that we can be tolerant and loving to our children. Constantly blaming ourselves for our mistakes will make us trapped in our own emotions and unable to extricate ourselves, making it impossible to establish a connection with our children, let alone communication. Some problems exist objectively, and some misunderstandings and damage are inevitable. Parents who learn to understand their own emotions can enable you to adopt a gentler and more tolerant attitude toward conflicts with your children. By learning to calm down their own emotions and no longer swing between guilt and anger towards their children, parents can comfort their children and at the same time supervise their children\’s growth, and the parents themselves will also grow. When dealing with adolescent children, instead of keeping an eye on the children, it is better to keep an eye on yourself. Looking inside and understanding your own actions and thoughts during this process can open the door to reconnecting with your children. Only by establishing a communication bridge can communication take place. Daniel Siegel, a famous American psychologist, said: Parents should be responsible for their own actions. Recognize your role in the damaged relationship with your child and tell your child how you feel. Doing so will not only help repair the rupture, but also reduce the shame our actions bring to our children. Everyone should be responsible for their own actions. This is a required course for children throughout their lives. Only when parents learn to let go can children have enough space to reflect and grow, and only then can they find the key to the big lock.