Don\’t raise your children to be your enemies

There is particularly gratifying news during this period: Sun Zhuo, the son of Sun Haiyang, the prototype of Zhang Yi in \”Dear\”, has been recovered. How to Cultivate Children\’s Concentration Training Manual Video Course 53. There is a key figure in the recovery of Sun Zhuo, another child who was abducted at the same time, Fu Jiantao. But the story of this child is heartbreaking to hear. Fu Jiantao was also abducted when he was 4 years old, but he clearly remembers the scene of his abduction and understands that he has biological parents. But even so, he chose to keep this memory and live cautiously in his \”new home\”. When asked why he knew he was abducted but never thought of calling the police or running away, he said a particularly sad reason: \”I thought my mother sold me.\” Because he was very naughty when he was a child, his mother always told him, \”If you don\’t obey me, I won\’t want you anymore and I will sell you.\” It was this sentence that made Fu Jiantao think that his mother had really sold him because he was not good. So he didn\’t dare to tell the truth and chose to be a \”good boy\” in his \”new home\”. A sentence that adults would say casually made Fu Jiantao keep the secret of being \”abandoned\” for 14 years. We may never know what we mean to our children. Some mothers are the warm sunshine on their children\’s growth path, but some mothers are the disaster for their children to fall in love and kill each other. If you are also one of the following three types of mothers, I hope you can understand in time: love is not a restraint, nor a sacrifice, nor an authority over personality. Love should be about loving what you are and growing together. Common phrases used by mothers who always make conditions: \”Don\’t cry. If you don\’t cry, I will let you eat snacks.\” \”Stop making trouble. If you make trouble again, mom will leave and don\’t want you anymore.\” \”If you don\’t do your homework well, I will I won’t take you out to play on the weekends.” I know that in the process of raising children, there are too many things that are beyond my ability and too much power to cope with. When faced with a child who is like a perpetual motion machine, and want a moment of respite, we always say threatening words as a last resort. Using these words to discipline your children is very useful, but the harm it brings is far beyond your imagination. Just like Fu Jiantao at the beginning, children will take adults\’ words seriously, and they will take them seriously for a long, long time. Children all make mistakes, but the purpose of discipline is to restrain behavior, not to make children bow their heads and compromise. Parents can also get angry, but no matter how angry they are, never use love as a threat or use love to kidnap their children. For young children, the withdrawal of mother\’s love is a very scary thing. This will make him very insecure, and this insecurity makes them willing to compromise themselves to please adults. At the moment, it seems like a good thing if our children don’t continue to cause us trouble or antagonize us. But don’t forget that children who blindly please their parents at home will also please their classmates, colleagues, and lovers in the future. He will think that only if he tries his best to be kind to others and meet their needs, will others love me and recognize me. There is a highly praised answer on Zhihu: If children are determined from the beginning that the approval of others is higher than their own needs, they will continue to lower their self-worth in the process of catering to others. Children who are used to pleasing their parents are fearful and have low self-esteem deep down. Fear of not being able to get support from parentsLove, because he knows that being willful, naughty, misbehaving, and getting into trouble will make his parents\’ love withdrawn or become even thinner. Because in his understanding, other people\’s love is conditional. If you perform well, you will get it; if you perform poorly, I\’m sorry and I don\’t deserve to be loved. In fact, the root cause of conditional love is the blurring of boundaries, which blurs children\’s concepts of \”things\” and \”people\”. If you don\’t like your child playing in the water, you can just say: I don\’t like your playing in the water. It\’s troublesome to get your clothes wet and it\’s easy to catch cold. You can even take him away and let him cry, but don\’t compromise. If your child\’s tantrum makes you irritable, you can directly say: I don\’t like you yelling at me, it makes me feel particularly disrespected; you can even express your dissatisfaction sternly \”Don\’t yell at me.\” We need to always let our children understand that \”Mom will always love you, but she just doesn\’t like your behavior.\” I know it is difficult to make a child obedient, but don\’t bully them into being weak, helpless, incompetent, and dependent on adults. Use conditional love to threaten or manipulate them. Children are not worthy of being loved only when they are good. The more misbehaved he is, the more he lacks love. Common phrases used by over-sacrificing mothers: How much effort did it take me to prepare this meal for you? It would be better for you not to eat a bite. What else do you want from me? How tiring it is for me to take you out and have to watch you while carrying so many things! Who doesn’t know how comfortable it is to lie down for a while? Isn’t it all just for you? You are still disobedient! If it weren\’t for you, I wouldn\’t have to work so hard and be so tired. My hair would turn gray. Can you save me some trouble? If it weren\’t for you, I would have divorced your father long ago. Will I suffer this fate? These seemingly \”self-pitying\” words are actually hidden behind a deeper accusation and denial of the other person – making the other person feel sorry for you, creating a sense of guilt, and letting the other person see how much love they have given. Thereby getting equal or even more love. This is used to \”kidnap\” children to achieve the purpose of \”listening to our words and complying with our wishes\”. The educational effect of 103 kinds of games for young children: American student games and quality training manual to cultivate children\’s cooperation, self-esteem, communication, and emotional intelligence PDF I have a friend who lives very close to home, but she doesn\’t go home unless necessary. \”My mother has always been a person who lives for her husband and children. She does laundry and cooking at home, and even the fruits are washed before putting them in the refrigerator. When I\’m at home, I even take out my socks and underwear to wash, and I don\’t say anything. Listen. She left everything good at home to us. She didn’t even eat a bite of the newly cooked vegetables, only the leftovers from the previous meal. Such selfless love made me feel uncomfortable. Moreover, once I showed that I didn’t want to return If the family is \”unappreciative\”, she will shed tears and cry out how hard it is for her. Yes, I understand, but I feel very annoyed and want to escape. Since I was a child, I have forced myself to be sensible and not cause trouble to my family. . Every day I live in the torment of guilt, unable to accept it or change it. I am tired, I am enough, really.\” Many mothers like to use guilt to make their children \”sensible\”. This is indeed very effective, but it can also overwhelm the child and even become a nightmare that the child cannot get rid of throughout his life. Huang Zhizhong in \”\”Qi Pa Shuo\” once shared the story of \”Fish Head Mother\”: In order to leave fish meat to her son, the mother lied that she did not like to eat fish and only liked fish heads. In this way, she ate fish heads all her life, and it was not until her death that she said, \”I don\’t like fish heads at all.\” Huang Zhizhong said that when he was a child, he thought this mother was so great, but now he feels that this son is too difficult. In the end, the mother used a lifelong sense of sacrifice to make her son live in guilt for the rest of his life. Educator Lu Jun said: The most useless education method in the world is to lose temper, reason and deliberately move. For children, it is better for parents to do less than to complain with grievances! (If you don’t believe it, you can ask every child around you, or even yourself when you were a child.) Now that you are a parent, the roles have been reversed, and you suddenly feel a little aggrieved, right? ——I sacrificed so much for him, am I still wrong? So wrong. The child does not ask you to sacrifice for him. As a parent, you give him life, provide food, water, a safe living environment, and necessary education. From a responsibility perspective, that is enough. If children want to achieve basic health and happiness, their parents do not need to pay too much. We are the ones who are unsatisfied and have more expectations, hoping that he will study better, behave more appropriately, and have more talents… Our sacrifice is paying for our own expectations. If you feel that raising children is aggrieved and difficult, what you should do is lower your expectations. Common sentence patterns of strong mothers: \”I\’m all for your own good, what do you kids know?\” \”I say no, it just can\’t be done!\” \”If you don\’t do XXX well today, I will never let you XXX\” \”No, Can\’t, can\’t…\” Usually in a family where the father\’s role is missing or marginalized, the mother will become more and more dominant. Although today\’s society has indeed become more and more demanding on mothers, facts have proven that mothers who are too dominant are very detrimental to the growth of their children. They are used to taking care of their children\’s lives in every detail, but it is also easy for them to be very strict in every aspect – what to wear every day, how much to eat, who to be friends with, what to do first and last when they get home, everything they do. To whatever extent, there are standards. American psychologist Baldwin once said: The mother\’s attitude is dominating, interfering, and authoritarian, and children are prone to develop negative and rebellious personalities. The child is either domesticated and accustomed to obedience and obedience. One day, he will find a strong wife/husband after leaving his strong mother. Because that feeling of being controlled has become his comfort zone. This \”sense of fate\” is the most terrifying thing. He doesn\’t like it but has become accustomed to it. Either arouse the child\’s rebellious consciousness and fight the mother in a more extreme way, even if this method is not correct, even if both parties are bruised and bruised by it. Jiang Jing in the recent hit drama \”Female Psychologist\” is dependent on her mother. While she understands the difficulty of her mother raising her alone, she cannot bear her mother\’s desire to control. So she chose to overeat and then induce vomiting to release her suppressed emotions, and eventually developed bulimia. \”I no longer want to live like what you want me to be.\” A mother who clearly loves her children and gives everything she has has pushed her children into an even greater abyss. How about Nanada Zhen?Cultivating children\’s concentration: The World\’s Most Difficult Maze Diagram [All 3 volumes are ultra-clear and printable] Don\’t blindly impose your will on your children or hurt them in the name of love. Our original intention is to prevent children from taking detours, but we always use strong love to make children farther and farther away from happiness. \”Love\” is an instinct, and \”being able to love\” is an ability. Love that requires exchange of conditions is not love, love that is kidnapped with a sense of sacrifice is not love, and love that is under strong control is not love. They are all just to meet adults\’ own expectations. Love is only when parents are willing to spend time with their children, respect is when they squat down and listen to their children, and love is when parents tell them the correct solution when they make mistakes.