99% of parents have touched the 4 \”high-voltage lines\” of early childhood family education

A mother on Zhihu asked for help: What should I do if my child doesn’t want to talk to us and only keeps it in his head when things happen? The mother said that her child had a cheerful personality when he was young. But starting from the third or fourth grade, in order to supervise his studies, I often watched him do his homework. At that time, he was very demanding and would criticize him when he made mistakes. Unexpectedly, this made him more and more lazy in his studies. At first he was very resistant to anything we said, but later he didn\’t want to say anything to us. Once he got into a fight with his classmates and locked himself in his room as soon as he got home without saying a word to us. It was only after the teacher called home that we found out about it. There is less and less communication, which makes the mother very anxious. A netizen at the bottom of the topic said this: Your child is not unwilling to speak, but he has been \”forced\” by you to not want to speak and has closed himself off. Every child will have a ruler to measure \”self-worth\” in his heart, and its standard is determined by his parents. The affirmation, encouragement and expectations given by parents can allow children to see their own value in the eyes of their parents. However, many children today lack self-worth. A survey report on \”Youth Mental Health\” was conducted in China Education News, which showed that among 2,000 parents, half believed that their children had psychological problems. Nearly a quarter of the parents revealed that their children expressed the negative emotion of \”thinking they are worthless\”. It can be seen that there are big problems in family education. Especially these 4 \”high-voltage lines\” indicate that you may be raising a child with \”a sense of worthlessness\”. To be \”overly picky\” about a child is to deny him. Papi Jiang once simulated a scene called \”Cicky Mom\”. Scene 1: The child scored 99 points in both Chinese and mathematics. The mother asked: \”Why not double hundred points? Where did that point go?\” The child said: \”You were careless…\” Then the mother said a lot to the child. If you are dissatisfied. Scene 2: The child happily said to his mother: \”Mom, I won first place in the art festival.\” The mother immediately criticized: \”Please pay more attention to your studies. Your book is so new and you are not serious at all.\” …\” The child said: \”My Chinese books have all been turned to pieces.\” As a result, the mother poured another basin of cold water on her: \”I don\’t know how to cherish it at all.\” … This video made many netizens feel the same, and they all said, \”This is my mother. ah\”. Every child measures his or her worth through the \”sense of validation\” from his or her parents. However, some parents tend to only see the shortcomings of their children and fail to see the good side of their children. They always think that their children are \”this is not good and that is not good\” and they talk about their children in a very bad way. Behavior that seems to be motivating is actually killing the child\’s motivation. From a psychological point of view, people who live with criticism all year round lack love and positive feelings during their growth, and will suffer from psychological difficulties due to a lack of identity. Picky parents will make their children constantly doubt their abilities, and they will always fall into the negative emotions of \”I can\’t do it.\” They will always think in their hearts that \”I am terrible and I don\’t deserve to be loved.\” A study in the United States shows that teenagers aged 12-13 are most susceptible to the influence of their parents. Children who have never or rarely been regarded as \”tsundere\” by their parents have spontaneous consequences.The probability of having suicidal thoughts is 5 times higher than that of ordinary people, and the probability of attempting suicide is 7 times higher than that of ordinary people. Among these children, their biggest feeling is \”no one loves me, and I have no meaning of existence.\” Children who are worthless will always have a dark heart. Psychologist Winnicott proposed a theory of \”maintaining environment\”: No matter you are good or bad, I will firmly believe in you; even if you are at your worst, I will be willing to endure and help you. Accepting your child\’s imperfections calmly is the best recognition for your child. Neglected children will feel \”abandoned.\” In the variety show \”Singing Wings\”, there is a boy who is particularly distressed. His parents owned a restaurant. Every day after school, after finishing his homework, he would help his parents in the restaurant. At a young age, he could serve food, sweep the floor, and clean the tables. In addition to helping in the restaurant every day, he sometimes goes shopping with his parents. The boy\’s sensible appearance makes people feel distressed. The program team asked him: \”What is your wish?\” He said: \”I hope my parents will not be too busy and can have time to accompany me.\” After saying this, he tried his best to smile for himself. The psychologist on the side commented on the boy: \”You have a lot of needs in your smile, but you are unwilling to tell your parents.\” The boy cried helplessly after hearing this. Every growing child needs parents, which includes parents\’ love, attention, and emotional interaction with each other. Obviously, you don\’t see this in boys. In fact, a fatal flaw in many family education is that \”you may be neglecting your children.\” Someone once conducted a survey on \”emotional neglect\”, and the results showed that 31% of parents said they had ignored their children\’s needs. Many parents may not know that your neglect of your child may hinder his future. Psychologist Jonice Webb once pointed out that there are two types of emotional neglect. One is \”acute empathic failure\”: when a parent neglects their child when the child is going through a major crisis. For example, when parents divorce, they always focus on dealing with the relationship, but actually ignore the fact that the child is \”unwilling to give up the love of either parent.\” Because the child has to be forced to accept it, he always feels in his heart that \”I am redundant.\” The other is \”chronic empathy failure\”: parents are indifferent to their children\’s emotions for a long time while their children are growing up. Whatever the child wants, there is a \”no response\” attitude. Such disregard will make the child feel helpless. There is a term in psychology called \”existential anxiety\”: Neglected children will feel abandoned because their needs are not responded to, and they will continue to deny themselves and question themselves. They will feel in their hearts that \”no one cares about me\” and \”I am not important\”. Such children are most likely to develop a \”sense of emptiness and meaninglessness\” when they grow up. Because they live in a meaningless life, they are more likely to develop depression and anxiety. All love needs to flow both ways. Only by giving children needs, respect and response can their lives begin to flow. Doing everything for the child and cutting off the child\’s \”self-ability\”. A netizen shared a true story. A college student from a highly intellectual family was ridiculed by his roommates because he couldn\’t do laundry. His mother is a typical housewife. In order to cultivateHe is not allowed to do anything other than studying. Sometimes when he wants to help, his mother will say, \”If you study hard, you are helping me.\” His mother did too much for him, causing him to remain an idiot in college. He couldn\’t do housework and couldn\’t share cleaning duties with his roommates. Gradually, his roommates didn\’t want to live with him. He had to take a pile of clothes home to wash every week, so someone joked, \”You might as well ask your mother to accompany you to study.\” He was very embarrassed at the time. He gradually discovered that the distance between him and his classmates was not due to grades. While others can complete social practice courses with just a few strokes, he needs to spend several times more energy to learn from scratch; almost all his classmates are all-rounders, but he seems unable to do anything other than study. As time went by, he felt that he was getting worse and worse, and that his life became meaningless. Many parents have a doting mentality. Adhering to the principle of \”not letting children endure hardship\”, I tried to do everything for my children, but I didn\’t expect that in the end, my children\’s abilities were cut off. \”Ban Yue Tan\” once mentioned a word called: \”Squatting Clan Phenomenon\”. It refers to the avoidance phenomenon shown by some people, which is mainly characterized by the lack of goals and the inability to find value and meaning. Although they are highly educated, they lack experience in life and do not know what they want to do. From the perspective of child psychology, children need a sense of confirmation of \”self-ability\” to maintain their own value. It mainly confirms its own value through children\’s own hands-on ability. If this skill is missing, the child will feel that \”I don\’t know anything and am not as good as others.\” The more you do for your child, the weaker the child\’s ability to express himself, making it difficult to gain his own value. Therefore, never do for your child what he can do for himself. Good education pays attention to \”experience\”. Only by allowing children to experience life on their own can they have the power of \”I can do it.\” Letting a child make a fool of himself in public is denying his value. There is a video like this online. A boy cried and said to his father: \”On the way to school, I don\’t want you to talk about me.\” \”If on the way to work, I say you always drink until you vomit, you will think that I don\’t give you face. \”I also want to save face.\” The boy said that he was particularly aggrieved. It turned out that when his father sent him to school, he often criticized him on the road, and often exposed his shortcomings in front of his classmates. Because his classmates heard him, they laughed at him for a long time. At that time, he felt that he was particularly shameless, so he made such a request to his father. From a psychological point of view, from the age of 5, children will consider how others see them and build their own image and dignity. Every child\’s self-esteem is very fragile, and they will be particularly concerned about the evaluation of themselves by those around them, especially their parents. Every child finds his own value in the eyes of his parents. Parents\’ humiliation and sarcasm will only \”close\” the child\’s self-worth and make him feel that he has no meaning of existence. One netizen said: When she was in junior high school, her mother laughed at her in front of everyone in KTV for her poor singing. She felt very ashamed at the time, and later she was no longer willing to sing. She said: \”I especially envy confident children because they can still have their own opinions even if they are wrong, but I am always afraid of myselfDo something wrong.\” The motivation for children\’s growth comes from the input of \”self-worth.\” Praise and praise will make children feel that \”I am seen,\” while humiliation and ridicule will only make children feel that \”my existence is meaningless.\” All education must be based on the respect of parents. When educating children, we advocate \”behind closed doors\” so that children can be respected and receive education. In the \”Original Family Survival Guide\” Mentioned: Between 0-6 months old, babies receive long-term, high-quality empathic care. As adults, children are more likely to feel self-worth and can establish harmonious relationships. To cultivate a child\’s sense of value, it is necessary to Let children have the ability to empathize. This means that parents must have an emotional connection with their children, allowing each other to have an \”emotional conveyor belt\” so that children can feel the meaning of family. When children have feelings, parents must learn to respect them; When children have emotions, parents must learn to guide them; when children have needs, parents must learn to discuss and communicate. Give children encouragement and attention, give them independence and respect, and let them have self-esteem, self-improvement, and confidence in an environment full of happiness. Sense of value.