What\’s the matter with the son not being close to his mother?

A few days ago, I was at a friend\’s house and happened to see her son walking out of the house. The friend turned his head and shouted at the child: \”Son, come here and say hello to auntie.\” The child walked away without saying a word, leaving a face full of embarrassment. friend. \”Hey, my son grew up with his grandparents. He just got him back when he was in the first grade of junior high school last year. You see, he is not close to me at all. I treat him badly. He has what others have, but he has nothing to do with me. To put it bluntly, he doesn’t look like his biological son.” At first, I felt strange when I saw the child’s indifference and unwillingness to talk to his mother. But when my friend said this, I understood it instantly. The original family is the cause, and the children are the result. It is said that the growth process of a boy is not smooth sailing, especially from birth to 6 years old, from 6 years old to 13 years old, and from 14 years old to adulthood. These three growth stages require scientific care and correct raising by parents. Mothers, in particular, should constantly adjust their parenting methods as boys grow. Ignoring a boy\’s growth needs can easily affect the establishment of parent-child relationship and disrupt the boy\’s normal development order. 01 Love and Companion In the popular drama \”In the Name of Family\”, which determines the relationship between mother and child at an early age, what happened to the boy Ling Xiao is the most heart-wrenching. When I was a child, my father was busy with work and would leave early and come back late every day. My mother loved playing mahjong and often locked him and his sister at home and ran away. After his sister died unexpectedly, his mother\’s resentment towards him became even more visible. She was extremely cold to him, didn\’t cook for him properly, and was immersed in the grief of losing her daughter all day long. She even got into a fight with her husband in front of him, overturned the dining table, and angrily accused him of being the murderer of her sister. In the end, his mother cruelly abandoned him and left him far away, ignoring him for more than ten years. He was thinking about his mother. But when I saw my mother again when I grew up, my mind was filled with the depression of being ignored and abandoned, and I couldn\’t reconcile with my mother at all. Similar things abound in reality. Many mothers’ lack of early care that seems “inconsequential” is actually a minefield buried in the mother-child relationship. Even if the child grows up and is respectful and polite to his mother on the surface, the lack of love and companionship in childhood has long cut off the intimacy between the boy and his mother. In the program \”Speak Out\”, this is the case for Mr. Liu, who has not received attention from his mother since he was a child. Because my brother had a rough birth and had to undergo major surgery, my mother devoted all her love to him alone without much companionship or concern for him. He has always considered himself to be his mother\’s spare tire and is dispensable. He left home independently when he was more than ten years old and went to work in other places. He never took the initiative to tell his mother when something happened, and he never went home during the Chinese New Year. His mother blamed him for being unfilial, but he blamed her for not loving him and not giving him enough maternal love and warmth. The book \”Raising Boys\” says: From birth to 6 years old, boys of this age belong to their mother. A large number of studies have shown that a child\’s early childhood is the most critical period for establishing love, intimacy and security with his parents. Mother\’s breastfeeding, hugging, touching and kissing are irreplaceable. A boy\’s sense of security before the age of 6 mainly comes from his mother\’s love and careful care. It\’s like a boy\’s spiritual food, indispensable. If at this time, motherIf you don\’t give enough attention and companionship, no matter how hard you try, it will be difficult to establish a strong and intimate relationship with your son in the future. So, open your arms when he\’s craving a hug, give him attention when he\’s looking for a response, and tell him \”Mommy loves you\” when he\’s upset. I believe that his satisfied early attachment will definitely give him the certainty of being loved. 02 Support and affirmation are the bonds that maintain the mother-child relationship in adolescence. Once a boy enters elementary school, many mothers always have this trouble: their son was obviously quite lovable before he was 6 years old, but now he has become a perpetual motion machine and cannot be controlled; I have weird thoughts every minute, and if I\’m not paying attention, I\’ll be so angry with him that I\’ll burst into tears; trying to reason with him, it goes in one ear and out the other, but it\’s all ignored, and in the end it\’s still thankless… Isn\’t there a saying that says this? : The first and second graders show off their children like crazy, and the third and fourth graders disappear from the world. Boys in adolescence are naughty and aggressive, making old mothers unable to love them even if they want to. So many mothers choose to suppress, control and yell, so that the relationship between mother and child becomes increasingly tense. A netizen shared such an experience. When he was in the fourth grade of elementary school, he liked to read novels. Because he was so fascinated by the book, he forgot to do his homework several times. When his mother found out, she beat and scolded him and deducted his pocket money to prevent him from buying books. Once, the novel he had secretly hidden was discovered. In front of the whole family, his mother viciously tore the novel to pieces. After that incident, he felt resentful and guarded his mother in everything he did, and did not want to say a word to her. What was completely different from his experience was Yin Ran in the documentary \”Little Boy\”. Behind this child, who is almost crazy about bugs, stands a mother who is infinitely supportive of his hobby. At first, he was interested in bugs, but his mother did not dislike or deny it. Instead, she studied with him to find out what was interesting about bugs. There are many terms for raising insects, which are difficult to understand, but my mother always keeps a low profile and learns from her son like a student. Her support and understanding gave Yin Ran the confidence to continue pursuing his hobby. Even if his classmates don\’t understand him and think he is weird, he doesn\’t care. The closeness between him and his mother is even more enviable. \”Raising Boys\” points out: During the boy\’s teenage years, he is feeling the call from his inner world and begins to try to become a man. His mother\’s criticism and accusations will only bring him a strong sense of powerlessness and frustration, making him feel like \”I can\’t do anything well, I\’m particularly bad.\” Only his mother\’s recognition and affirmation can stimulate his vitality and give him the confidence to constantly challenge himself. For a child of this age, when he happily tells you about his new discovery or shows his enthusiasm, please smile and tell him \”you are awesome\” and \”you can do it\”. With his mother\’s loving support and encouragement, he believes that in the future, he will respect and like her from the bottom of his heart. 03 Exiting and shutting up at the right time is a good medicine to reshape the relationship between mother and child in adolescence. Regarding \”son\’s adolescence\”, writer Mai Jia described it this way: It is like accompanying a tiger, you have to be careful. Many parents of boys feel the same way. Not only will war break out with their sons during adolescence, it is also the period when the parent-child relationship is at its worst and most difficult to adjust. Mothers feel even more deeply powerless when they think about it. In \”Metamorphosis\”, Wu Xianqiang\’s mother cares about herself more than anyone elseMy eldest son is also very concerned about it. But I just don’t understand why her son always resents her, quarrels with her at every turn, and runs away from home as soon as she can’t communicate. In fact, the answer can be found out from her daily interactions with her son. At home, whenever she sees her son playing with his mobile phone, she can\’t help but say a few words, either telling him to read more books or scolding him for not making progress. I thought \”motivating the general\” would be useful, but unexpectedly, her earnest nagging and tight control made my son more and more annoyed. The more he listened, the more he wanted to run away from the scene. In the final analysis, it is not that the boy has changed, but that when he faces adolescence, his mother\’s previous education model and authoritative attitude are destined to fail to win over the boy\’s evolved heart. Adolescent boys have independent thoughts and opinions, and their emotions are easily out of control and difficult to control. In order to avoid the \”point of contact\” between mother and child, Professor Li Meijin suggested that parents should learn to shut up. The famous psychiatrist Tsuneko Nakamura also said: \”When children enter adolescence, parents must gradually separate from their children\’s study and life.\” When my son entered the second grade of junior high school, I personally experienced an unforgettable \”mother-child war.\” . One day, he suddenly locked the door and refused to go out until dinner. He asked him a few words \”What are you doing?\”, but he always got an impatient \”Don\’t worry about it.\” Unable to resist curiosity, she quietly walked into his room to search for clues. But he noticed that I entered his room without permission. That night we quarreled until we got tired, so he simply went out to spend the night and refused to go home. Later, I compromised and stopped interfering in his affairs, doing whatever I needed to do. A few months later, he took the initiative to find me and told me that he was preparing for a game behind closed doors and did not want to be disturbed. After this incident, I suddenly realized: When dealing with adolescent boys, blaming is useless, and head-on confrontation will only hurt both sides. Now that he has grown up and wants his problems to be solved by himself, what you can do for him is to take a step back, stand with him, understand and respect his independent personality; shut up, cook more, and quietly guard him healthy growth. Timely withdrawal and showing weakness is a good medicine for reshaping the parent-child relationship during adolescence, and it is also a magic recipe for retaining children\’s hearts. 04 Re-establishing a relationship Maternal love is a graceful exit. A mother wrote to seek help from a psychologist, teacher Chen Mo, crying about her love for her son: As soon as her son was born, he stayed at his grandparents’ house, but she never treated him badly. I buy a lot of things for my son every week. When I was in elementary school, I wanted to take my son home, but he refused to work, so I had no choice but to let him live with his grandparents. I would go over every other day to check on his study status. After entering junior high school, she insisted on sending her son to a boarding school. For three years, she and her husband often visited her son at night and gave him this and that. But her son is now 15 years old. Not only is he not close to him, he even finds her nagging and would quarrel whenever they disagree. She felt aggrieved. Why did she love her son so much, but he couldn\’t understand it at all? In the reply, teacher Chen Mo pointed out to the point: Every time your child sees you, what he needs most is not toys or snacks, but your close feelings for him, such as you hugging him enthusiastically and playing with him. At the same time, he also gave advice: \”What you have to do now is to give your child the maternal love he needs in his early years and re-establish a close mother-child relationship.\” There is no doubt that, every boy cares about his mother more than anyone else. The reason why he no longer expresses intimacy is that when he needs love the most, his mother does not respond and give it in time. If your child is a toddler at this time, remember: his world craves your intentional participation. Don’t be stingy with your hugs and comforts. No amount of love and companionship is too much. This can bring him full security and confidence. If your child becomes lively and active and shows more and more boyish qualities, please protect his passion for life and respect his exploration of the world. Tell him: Mom is always here, and I will always support you and help you. If your child grows into an adult and undergoes drastic changes in body and mind, don\’t be too hasty to speak. Please listen to his voice and give him a chance to make the decision. At every stage of a child\’s growth, there are lessons for the mother to learn. The best love for him is what Zhao Jie, a talented woman from Peking University, said: \”Give your children strong intimacy when they are young, and learn to withdraw appropriately when they grow up.\” Written at the end I recently saw the maturity on my son\’s face. , with a strong body, I can\’t help but think of the writer Long Yingtai\’s confession: \”I slowly and slowly understood that the so-called relationship between father, daughter and mother only means that the fate between you and him is that it will last forever in this life. The ground is watching his back fade away.\” Indeed, the boy\’s growth is destined to be the biggest challenge in his mother\’s life. But with the right education, you will gain many unexpected surprises and accidents. After finally bringing him to the world, you must know clearly what he needs and do your best to give him what he needs. I believe that giving him abundantly according to his needs will surely give him a happy childhood and promise him a free and happy future. The fate between mother and son will also be the best blessing in each other\’s lives.