The distance between you and your child determines his or her future

Earlier, an 18-year-old girl in Hangzhou was filmed by her father while she was lying in bed and sent to her family. Faced with her daughter’s accusation, her father still looked disapproving and said, “It’s not that you are disobedient.” The sadness of being misunderstood and the video being released to the public are all earth-shattering events in the eyes of the child, but to the father, they are not worth mentioning at all. The 18-year-old girl is sensitive and proud by nature. She has her own privacy and the dignity of a human being. The feeling of having all the packages spread out and letting others watch is like Ling Chi. Parents intervene in their children\’s domain without measure and tie up their children\’s lives, which is destroying the harmonious parent-child relationship step by step. Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said that many Chinese-style families often have a symbiotic relationship with blurred boundaries. You are in me, you are in me, and you are trapped in an endless loop. Some parents impose strict demands on their children in the name of love. In the final analysis, they just want to control their children and let them live according to the standards they set. In the name of love, breaking through the safety boundary without leaving any room not only causes the deepest harm to the child, but also puts the child under unimaginable pressure. Parents have no sense of boundaries, and their children have already \”spiritually died.\” \”I\’m about to suffocate! My parents have ruined my life.\” Parents\’ self-righteousness often causes them to ignore the inner cry of their children. Control in the name of love may seem like protection, but in fact it creates a cage for children, allowing them to constantly escape. The most frightening thing is that this invisible control flows at will, and finally spreads to every corner of the child\’s life, turning into a bitter wine in life. Parents\’ love for their children that exceeds the standard will eventually become harmful. Excessive control makes children lose the opportunity to think and grow independently, making it more difficult to cultivate their ability to challenge the future, and eventually they become giant babies attached to their parents. Psychologist Li Xue once said: \”A body can only bear one soul. If the parents\’ control is airtight, the child is actually spiritually dead.\” The suffocating love of parents is like stuffing other substandard souls into the child\’s soul. , over time, children not only lose their correct self-understanding and decision-making, but also become trapped in inner demons that they cannot get rid of throughout their lives. The lack of a sense of boundaries stems from parental control and anxiety. Parents regard their children as everything in their lives, devote all their love without reservation, and blur the boundaries of their children. This kind of symbiotic relationship in which you are in me and you are in me, without distinguishing between each other, leaves no buffer zone between parents and children. Once the children decide to leave, the parents\’ world will collapse. When parents pay excessive attention to their children, it suppresses and offends their psychological boundaries and hinders their self-growth. In the eyes of parents, children are always works created by themselves. They do not allow their children to have flaws, nor do they allow their children to escape their control. The stronger the parents\’ desire to control, the less sense of inner security they feel. The accompanying anxiety impacts the already fragile parent-child relationship over and over again, prompting them to blur the boundaries between themselves and their children. The stronger this kind of love, the more depressed the child becomes. Once a child tries to stretch out his independent tentacles, parents\’ anxiety prompts them to continue to control their children even more, falling into an unsolvable cycle.The best parent-child relationship is the right kind of love. No child can grow up overnight. What they need is never control, but parents who have a sense of proportion and learn to let go at the right time. Sometimes, a slight change in a parent\’s thinking can change a child\’s life. 1. Don’t be your children’s “clicker”. Many times, we always answer all the children’s questions, but this inadvertently extinguishes the children’s desire to explore, making them unable to think and observe independently. \”Success, Motivation and Goals\” once said that children long to gain happiness from a sense of belonging, to grow in new things, and to gain motivation from free choices. Only through the results of children\’s perception and observation can the inner potential be stimulated. Only by letting children take the initiative to explore can they grasp the direction of their own growth. 2. Speak well to avoid the \”gaslighting effect\” \”Why are you so stupid? You can\’t even do this. Can you learn XXX!\” \”Stop doing it, it won\’t work anyway.\” \”What\’s the use of you? Raising a pig is better than you!\” Parents are the people closest to their children. Your denial and contempt will continue to weaken your children\’s will and even make them indulge in feelings of inferiority. This method of slowly destroying a child\’s self-perception in a belittling way is the famous \”gaslighting effect\” in psychology. Once you find this \”shortcut\” to control your children, you actually start a journey of destruction in the name of love. Mouths express love, not hurt each other. Talk to your children well, replace criticism with encouragement, and replace criticism with praise. Only in this way can your children grow up confidently and brightly in the sunshine. 3. Parents should be sensible in their hearts. The chicks will eventually leave the nest. As long as parents are sensible in their hearts, guard the boundaries with their children, and let their children let go and have their own wonderful moments, it is not a bad thing. Zhou Guoping said that a sense of proportion is a sign of mature love. It knows how to respect the necessary distance between people. This distance means respect for the other person as an independent personality. 4. Every time you let go, there will be more love and freedom in the child\’s heart. Parents\’ love has a sense of boundaries, and the children also have their own sense of proportion. They will understand the bottom line of life, learn to be sensitive in words and deeds, and live independently and with dignity. Take better control of life. You can establish a psychological boundary with your children in this way. 01 The three principles of safety boundaries are: don’t hurt yourself, don’t hurt your children, and don’t hurt the environment. These are the three principles of safety boundaries. When establishing boundaries, you must first respect your own feelings, which is what you can accept within a comfortable range. At the same time, you must also look at the child\’s current abilities and responsibilities, and do not view the child\’s abilities too high or too low. and giving children too much or too little responsibility. Of course our borders must not harm the people and environment around us. As long as such conditions are met, our boundaries are feasible. Secondly, ask yourself, is it to meet your own needs or to meet the needs of your children? Many times, parents over-discipline their children and arrange everything for their children to satisfy their own narcissistic needs, to relieve their own anxiety, or to save their own face. 02 Three specific ways to establish children’s psychological boundaries (1) Respect children’s emotions and feelings,Allow children to express emotions; (2) Allow children to make their own choices; (3) Let children take responsibility for their actions. When we give our children the opportunity to choose, you may worry that your child\’s life will take a detour or that he will live an unhappy life. These worries are emotions within our boundaries and need to be digested and responsible for ourselves. They have nothing to do with the child. What children have to do is to take responsibility for their own choices. Let me ask, when our children are really strong enough to take responsibility for their own actions, what else in their lives is worth fearing? Because he will accept all consequences and responsibilities and can adjust himself to face them! As children grow up, the psychological distance from their parents becomes wider and wider. The process of growing up is the process of psychological separation from parents. The wider the separation, the more independent the child is, which also means the better he or she will grow. Raising children is actually the process of parents withdrawing from their children’s lives in a dignified manner. Recommended scientific parenting books. I really hope my parents have read this book and download the electronic version. I hope every parent can distinguish the boundaries of love, let go calmly and unhurriedly, and let their children grow freely in a relaxed and measured love.