What kind of parents cannot raise happy and strong children?

In our concept, \”sacrifice\” is noble. People are often moved by parents\’ self-sacrificial approach to raising children, thinking that it represents selfless love. Parents are reluctant to give up food and clothing and leave all the good things to their children; parents endure broken marriages and want to give their children a complete home; parents reduce their time for study, work, hobbies, and entertainment, and focus on their children… ····A survey report shows that 82% of parents are ready to make sacrifices for their children’s success; more than one-third of Chinese parents have completely lost their personal time, especially mothers. However, is such \”self-sacrifice\” really good for children? Maybe we need to give it some serious thought. Self-sacrificing parenting is often accompanied by interference and control. Actor Zhu Yuchen\’s mother said in a program: \”I spend my whole life treating my son.\” \”I live for my son all my life.\” She also This is exactly what he did: he got up at 4 a.m. every morning to make pear soup for his son. This persistence lasted for 10 years. He brought cooking utensils and ingredients, followed the crew, worked tirelessly to cook for his son and clean the house… Such \”selfless\” dedication, Along with this, she became over-involved in her son\’s life: she did not allow the child to be beaten, and she interfered in almost every relationship of her son, so that Zhu Yuchen was still alone at the age of 39. In the TV series \”Little Joy\”, Song Qian quit her job as a gold medal physics teacher in order to devote herself to taking care of her daughter to prepare for the college entrance examination, and the focus of her life was entirely on her daughter. Such a \”sacrifice\” is followed by 360-degree supervision and control of the daughter: replacing one wall of the daughter\’s room with glass so that one can see what the daughter is doing at any time; depriving the daughter of everything except studying Hobbies, Lego was confiscated, and planetarium activities were prohibited; my daughter was not allowed to go to Nanjing University, which was far away from home, and she must apply for Tsinghua University and Peking University… The suffocating pressure and control caused frequent conflicts and conflicts between mother and daughter. The quarrel brought the daughter to the brink of mental collapse and she suffered from depression. Philosopher Russell said in \”The Road to Happiness\”: \”Parents should not do as much as possible for their children. Parents who are self-sacrificing are often extremely selfish towards their children and will control their children emotionally and go too far. The concern is often disguised as possessiveness.\” Self-sacrificing parents focus on their children for a long time and neglect to pay attention to and think about themselves. They are often in a state of scarcity in their hearts and are prone to over-nurturing and over-control. Misunderstanding: Pinning your expectations and goals for life on your children, and treating your own needs as your children\’s needs. When a child is disobedient and does not perform up to expectations, dissatisfaction and complaints arise in his heart, and he \”emotionally kidnaps\” the child: \”I work hard all day long, and you only get such a few points in the exam, are you worthy of me?\” \”If it weren\’t for You, I have divorced your father a long time ago.\” \”If I hadn\’t taken care of you, I would have taken the postgraduate entrance examination and the civil service examination.\” Under this parenting model, the child is feeling guilty and self-blame, and at the same time unbearable Parents\’ interference and control that exceeds the boundaries will cause physical and mental pain, and growth and development will be hampered.will be restricted. Self-sacrificing parents will put a lot of pressure and restraint on their children. We all understand the truth: when a cup is full, it overflows, and going too far is never enough. The same is true for excessive love, which children cannot bear, or in other words, the price is too high. Scenes like this are not unfamiliar to us: when I was a child, every time I cooked noodles, my mother would add two eggs to her children and would not eat them herself; when she grew up and her family conditions improved, her mother still treated herself harshly and was willing to buy expensive ones for her children. s things. When children see their mother\’s \”sacrifice\”, they will feel guilty, and then form a concept: \”My mother has done so much for me and is so great, I can\’t be sorry to her.\” Parents\’ self-sacrificial love hides invisible conditions : You must be obedient, grateful, and repay your kindness. This kind of parent-child relationship is unhealthy, and the child passively becomes a \”deficient\”. They often feel a kind of pressure and restraint that follows them. They dare not resist their parents, dare not do things that their parents don\’t like, cannot bear their parents\’ disappointment, and worry that they cannot repay their parents. As a result, children are often in a state of worrying about gains and losses. They are afraid that their poor grades will disappoint their parents, they are afraid that the job they find is not good enough and they do not earn enough. They often criticize themselves and are never satisfied with themselves… It is difficult Be truly happy. Some parents also like to talk about their own sacrifices and contributions, and then judge whether their children are sensible and should do so from the moral high ground. Some children may choose to resist, break away from their parents\’ control, and the parent-child relationship breaks down. However, a larger number of children choose to suppress themselves and live the way their parents want in order to \”repay the favor\”, making it difficult to realize the true happiness in life. Educating children has never emphasized the unilateral sacrifice of parents. If the meaning and happiness of parents\’ lives depend on their children, it will be a burden to the children. In raising children, parents must also know how to care for themselves and grow up. In life, we often see many mothers give up their jobs, friends, hobbies, and devote themselves to taking care of their children. In the end, they themselves are exhausted mentally and physically, and their children are rebellious and difficult to manage, and they lose their way in the road of parenting. direction. American writer Suze Lula pointed out in the book \”The Evolution of Mothers\” that a mother who is lacking in heart and does not take good care of herself is like a car with an empty gas tank. No matter how hard you step on the accelerator, you are just \”Idle\”. Parents who keep sacrificing and giving and neglecting their own needs can easily feel exhausted and drained of energy. In this state, it is impossible to give children healthy, free love and correct guidance. We often say \”love your neighbor as yourself\”. Only when parents are full of themselves can they love their children better and influence their children with their own positive state. In \”Youth Talk\”, a girl who is a freshman in high school stands on the rooftop and declares loudly to her mother: \”From today on, I want to be independent, you want to be free and easy, and I hope you are truly happy.\” In her opinion, her mother is a \” \”24-hour Mom\”, everything you think, say and do in life is centered on yourself. I get up with her at 5:30 every day, take her into the elevator and go downstairs at 6:30, and then send her to school. No matter what I do, my mother is worried and wants to accompany her. Mom\’s nowThere are fewer friends, no hobbies and activities, life is empty and boring, and my mother has become more and more sensitive and fragile, and she also \”feels particularly depressed.\” She told her mother that one day she would grow up and fight for her own life. She hoped that her mother would return to work, return to her circle of friends, and think more about herself. In fact, no child wants his parents to sacrifice too much for him. He would rather see his parents be positive and live a good life, which will give him endless strength and confidence. In the final analysis, parents and children are two independent individuals, with independent personalities and thoughts, and their own life issues that need to be explored and completed. In the early stages of a child\’s life, he or she needs relatively sufficient love and care from parents in order to grow up healthily and develop various abilities. But as the children grow up, parents must gradually let go and withdraw, so that the children have the space and freedom to explore their own lives and realize their self-worth. The same is true for parents. After having children, they cannot shelve their own life issues and place all their wishes and goals on their children. They should regard their children\’s excellence as their own success and their children\’s value as their own. own value. After becoming a parent, you must also care for yourself, grow yourself, be responsible for your own life, and strive to find and realize your self-worth. Such a mutually independent and mutually reinforcing parent-child relationship is harmonious and healthy. Both parents and children can face each other in a better state. As Suze Lula said: “I have discovered that when I take care of myself, my children are the beneficiaries, and I have discovered that we must first take care of ourselves at all costs—our bodies, minds, emotions, and hearts. The core of life. Our own transformation is the greatest gift to our children, allowing them to be free to be themselves.\” Therefore, while raising children, parents should not forget to love themselves, improve themselves, and balance the time between the two. . Recommended scientific parenting books. I really hope my parents have read the electronic version of this book and downloaded it. When they are tired, they can give themselves a moment to breathe, relax their body and mind, do what they like, and adjust themselves before facing their children.