How to deal with your child’s adolescence, the sooner you know these 4 things, the better

A recent little incident surprised me a little, and at the same time, it made my thoughts on raising adolescent children more clear. Chengzi\’s school has a requirement that boys\’ hair cannot be longer than one inch. During the weekend, I saw that Cheng Zi’s hair was growing long, so I reminded him to cut it. When I came back from the haircut, I saw that the sides were shaved shorter, and the top of my head was still a bit long in the middle. I said: \”You\’d better go back and cut your hair shorter in the middle, otherwise in a few days, the teacher will remind you to cut your hair again.\” Chengzi looked left and right in the mirror and felt that it was a bit long in the middle, but I guess I was too lazy to make another trip, so I hesitated and said, \”I\’m not going, let\’s leave it at that.\” As an old mother who thinks about her children, I continued to persuade: \”You go now, so you don\’t have to go in a few days.\” Otherwise, I will always be thinking about this matter.\” Chengzi\’s attitude became more firm: \”I won\’t go, I\’ll wait until I grow up, and you can leave it alone.\” I wanted to persuade him again, but then I thought: This is his business. If he doesn\’t mind the trouble, then let him. So he shut his mouth and let it go. Unexpectedly, after dinner, Chengzi said to himself: \”I\’d better go there again.\” After saying that, he put on his coat and went to the barber shop to shorten the hair on his head. This little incident made me realize once again: many times, children’s so-called rebellion and disobedience are to maintain their own psychological space and their own sovereignty. Many times, we control too much. Although it is out of love and for his own good, we actually use our own will to oppress the child\’s will, which is a violation of the child\’s psychological boundaries. At this time, the child\’s attention is focused on the confrontation with his parents, and he has no time to think independently and seriously. When parents let go and step back, leaving enough space for their children, they can focus on themselves, understand the things themselves, understand what they want, and make decisions that are in line with their hearts. Just like a country, when a foreign enemy invades, it will concentrate all its strength to resist the invasion. Only when diplomatic relations between the two countries are normalized can we develop with peace of mind and strengthen our national strength. The older the child is, the larger the territory he needs to roam and the more space he needs. Anti-drowning safety education for primary school students, etc., comprehensive protection of children\’s safety encyclopedia 100-lesson audio psychological space, it sounds a bit abstract, how to do it specifically? I have summarized it and might as well start from these aspects. Leave space for emotions. When children cry, are frustrated, angry, or have negative emotions, we are always eager to reason, give suggestions, comfort in various ways, and even go on the scene to help children solve problems in person. It seems that we are caring about our children, but in fact it is because we are intolerant of negative emotions. Think about solving the problem quickly and eliminate negative emotions. It\’s okay when the children are young, but as the children get older, these methods become less effective. Many children will be impatient and resistant: \”Okay, okay, I understand.\” \”Stop talking, you don\’t understand anything!\” Parents will silently label their children: This child is too rebellious, adults. I couldn\’t listen to anything he said. well! As everyone knows, the child\’s emotions have not been digested and are still there. No matter how correct the words are, he cannot listen to them. Emotions need to be seen and need space to digest. We can use empathy to accompany our children – I understand how you feel, ISaw it. At the same time, we might as well leave space for our children to slowly digest and process their emotions. Only when there is space can there be room for recovery. If you blindly drive away children, it is easy to push your children into a corner. They have no way out and can only fight you in turn. Leave room for mistakes To leave enough room for children, parents also need to have a certain error tolerance. It is not easy to watch our children make less than correct decisions and watch them fall into pits even though we know what the wiser approach is. At this time, we need to understand two things. First of all, many times, things complement each other: only when you experience darkness can you know the value of light. Only when you experience separation will you cherish being together. Only when you experience mistakes can you truly know what is right. Secondly, the older a person is, the greater the cost of making mistakes. While your child is still young and his mistakes are still within control, you might as well let him experience it and accumulate experience and lessons through trial and error. What parents need to do is to fulfill their obligation to remind and at the same time, be a safe base for their children. Make room for “uselessness” Will you allow your children to do nothing? When you see your child dazed and idle, can you control the urge to assign tasks to him? Just like Chinese painting, there is blank space to reveal the meaning. Parents should also hold their own anxieties and expectations, leave blank space for their children, and allow them to do nothing or do things that seem \”useless\”. Every Friday night is Chengzi\’s movie time. After dinner, Chengzi goes back to his room with his computer and watches it all night. Sometimes at 11 o\’clock, when we should go to bed, he is still watching. I will remind him and leave him alone. Many times, we don’t know what time he goes to bed. Every Saturday morning is Orange\’s bedtime. He will sleep comfortably until he wakes up naturally. When he wakes up, he will not get up. He will just lie in bed and listen to stories on his phone. We won\’t disturb him either – it\’s really hard to go out early and come back late for school for five days in a row. On weekends, let him choose the most relaxing way to \”degenerate\”. This world is so interesting: when you are allowed to do nothing, you will realize what you want to do; when you are allowed to \”fall\”, you will develop inner motivation. When you are allowed, you will be self-disciplined. Isn’t it true for us adults? Leave space for problems When children encounter problems, we are always eager to do something, hoping to get rid of the problem as soon as possible. As everyone knows, the problem itself also has a \”life\” and a process from germination to death. We need to respect the facts and leave a certain amount of space for the problem. This process is an opportunity for children to grow. So, sometimes, if the problem is not serious, we might as well let the bullets fly for a while. Some time ago, Chengzi had a little friction with a deputy subject teacher. The teacher said something embarrassing to him in front of everyone. Chengzi was a little hurt and said angrily: I won\’t listen to his class! For this reason, Chengzi and I chatted for a long time and took him to look at the matter from various angles. I could feel that Chengzi’s mood had eased a bit, but he was still a little bit resentful: “It’s so hurtful what the teacher said, and I just don’t want to take it seriously.” Take his class.\” \”Understood,\” I said, \”I can understand it even if you don\’t say it out loud. However,You have done a great job – from being afraid to express yourself to having the courage to insist on yourself, this is a great progress. I just hope you know that the next stage is to be able to stand up for yourself and take care of the feelings of others. How to balance the delicate relationship between the two requires more wisdom and experience. It\’s normal for you to not be able to do it now. This is the process of growing up. This is how I came through. At the moment, you just have to figure out what to do. If the teacher wants to invite parents, we will cooperate. If you need us to talk to a teacher, that\’s no problem. \”Chengzi didn\’t say anything more, but I could feel that he felt a lot more relaxed. In the next two weeks, he really did what he said. He showed an attitude of \”non-violence and non-cooperation\” in two consecutive classes. I In addition to asking about the situation, I found the opportunity to say a few words, and said no more, but kept paying attention to the matter. Later, several things happened one after another, which made Chengzi understand the \”rules\” better. I have gained more experience. When I went to class again, although I still had some knots, I still did what I should do on the surface, and I still abide by the rules that I should abide by. It has been two months since this incident happened, and as time goes by, things have become better. Due to the dilution, some things happened that gave it an unexpected solution – to be exact, it has not been completely solved. But I am not too anxious, so I let Chengzi slowly experience and understand myself in the process. Emotions, understanding of the relationship with rules, understanding of the subtleties of human interaction, and leaving enough space for problem solving. These are the only way to grow up. Today’s parents, as long as financial conditions permit, will give Set aside a room for the child. We know that the older the child, the more he needs his own space. Many parents ignore: We must not only leave physical space for the child, but also leave him enough psychological space. In this psychological space In this space, he can stay with negative emotions, do nothing, be bored, challenge problems, and make mistakes and failures. In this space, he can move around freely, fully experience, fully experience, and fully experience Through rumination, ability slowly grows, wisdom slowly emerges, and he gradually grows into himself. If parents cannot hold their own anxieties and expectations, they should hold on to their children tightly at the psychological level and take care of everything. Interfering and refusing to share a room with the child psychologically, the child will inevitably fight for his own psychological space – in the eyes of parents, this is rebellion. So, when we lament the child\’s rebellion again, we might as well take a look : How much psychological space do you leave for your children? Recommended scientific parenting books. I really hope my parents have read this book. Download the electronic version. If your child is a little whale, what do you give your child? Is it a fish tank? Is it a pond? Or is it a pond? The sea?